Introspect
by Wildly Obsessed
Summary: UD March 19! A story about Scott, Shelby, and Juliette in life after Horizon. The 3 are rooming together during their college years. Suffice it to say that old rivalries die hard. With new lives and changed circumstances, will the heart remain unchanged?
1. Golden Boy

**S c o t t**

Love. Hate. Fear. Such intense emotions. Such extremities. I feel a bit like a melodramatic brat occasionally, after I've just blown up at someone. I've been blowing up a lot lately. Sometimes I wish everyone would just back off, I hate their voices prying into my walls. My walls were so carefully constructed, the mask almost flawless. I was obnoxious and conceited. Spoiled, rebellious, good at many things and looking down at all others. I'd walk through the school hallways, the haughty pout and stupid, meaningless words spilling from my mouth. I had the perfect life. At least I did in daytime. My nightmares came out at night. At night I screamed. My male dignity was nothing, I was nothing, there would be nothing left in me. I'd cry and I'd hate it all. Then the sun would come up again, and with the dawn she would walk out. The sun chased her away, and I'd be protected for a handful of hours until the torture came again. I tried not to think about it, not in the daylight, not when she couldn't get me. I would not let her take over my entire life. My days were my own. I tried not to feel her luring hands on me every time anyone at school so much as patted my shoulder. I tried not to feel her lips pressed against mine, her body crushed into me… But no matter what I said to myself, she was over me always, in my head, in the phantom movements my body will always remember. It was worst when I looked into the eyes of my father. So trusting. So oblivious. He'd boast about our perfect family, our lovely life. He'd celebrate how lucky we were to have found each other in the world. How he couldn't see the way his new wife looked at me, I have no idea. How he always seemed to be looking the other way when her hands rubbed my upper thighs, I'm not able to explain. All I know is that I was in crisis, my life was shaken up and ripped apart, and my own father didn't notice. It was in his home. At least three times a week she would leave his room, leave his bed, and slip into his sons. Of course, she usually only dared to do it when he was out of town, or away at some late business thing. But once she realized how easy it was, she started to creep in when he was home. The days I thought were safe were wrenched away from me. And shortly after that, she started lingering longer. On weekends, she would even slip in during the afternoon. It was this time when I knew that I couldn't pretend anymore. I had to get out. The sun didn't save me anymore. And if sun couldn't banish her, I knew she'd only get bolder.

The truth, as you all probably know, is that I did think it was my fault. From the moment she touched me onwards I've been eaten alive by guilt. I knew I was such a screwed up kid. Who sleeps with their step mom? More importantly to me, what fifteen-year-old 150-pound football playing teenage guy claims that his 110-some pound stepmother molested him? Like I couldn't defend myself, like she was making me and I was so completely helpless. I found it hard to come to terms with the fact that it was even possible for an adult male to get raped by a woman. She wasn't stronger, faster, anything. Well, she was more ruthless. I'm one of those guys who would never lay a hand on any girl, no matter what. Which made it a bit of a predicament when the only way I could really get the step monster off me was if I used brute force. Then there was the concern that if I ever did anything, she'd easily be able to tell everyone I had forced myself onto her. It was more believable. I was so weak, so pathetic. The really sad thing is I only ever thought about how wrong it was in the first few moments. The moment she really got into it, my brain would stop and my ever-unfaithful penis would be the all-ruling force. Stupid teenage hormones. Of course, I'd feel like slitting my wrists when she left. It all made me feel so sick. Dirty.

That gold digging disturbed wife of my father made my life a very confused mess. It was after I figured out I didn't love her, and she didn't love me that I really started in on it. To get away from the sickness, I did drugs. Which inevitably made me feel sick as well. So I did more. Drugs and sex and a streak of wildness that exploded from me, trying to make it all stop. Or maybe to try and make me fit into the madness, to grasp some sort of control. That may be hard to understand, but I couldn't control what that slut did to me- therefore I figured I could seize control of everything else. Control being a loose term. No one could force me to go to school- I skipped. No one could tell me what to put in my body- drugs. Unfortunately they could tell me I couldn't do football anymore, which is what they did. And they could tell me that if I didn't start showing up for class, they'd make sure I never showed up again. My clueless dad, wondering where his golden boy had gone. I became addicted to smoking. Petty theft (if you haven't noticed yet, I was pretty hateful towards rules). Vandalism. Met some pretty freaky people and did a lot of things I was too high at the time to be able to list now. All to try and make sense of her. I turned myself into a guy who would sleep with his stepmother.

The drugs helped. They helped me forget, let me be happy. It didn't even hurt as much as I thought it would when they took away football from me. As long as I had my stash to lull me into a different reality, I'd be all right. I don't think I'd have lasted without cigarettes. They seriously soothed my nerves. Of course, it was this that my dad chose to notice. How could he not? The school called him, broadcasting my bad grades and drug dabbling. And the theft was also noted. He couldn't stand the thought of his only son breaking up his perfect little family. He sent me to get fixed. He couldn't fix me himself, couldn't take the time to be with me, to talk to me. If he'd only asked me what was wrong, if only he'd shown me the understanding and unconditional love and acceptance he showered on her… If only he truly cared, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here right now, in the middle of my dorm in the fix-up school for fucked up kids.

My father only knew a drop of what I did, knew I got kicked off the team, knew I was failing my classes and was nearing expulsion. But he thought I only did weed, and thought a little vandalism on the mall walls was the worst crime I committed. Even that drop of knowledge was enough to send me away to what I thought was a hick retarded rip-off school in the middle of nowhere. My dad needed a cure for me. He spent so much cash to get me fixed, when all he actually had to do was tell his wife to get out. But he would never have done that. No, they were too deeply "in love" to do that. Really, dad, do you think a woman closer to my age than yours would seriously want to marry you out of love? Blind, stupid, naïve…negligent… the words I will never say to him.

Anyways, I screwed my life over and knew it was completely my fault. At the time, I didn't care. Well, I did, but at the time I didn't think I deserved any better, or that I had much else to live for.

Horizon taught me differently. That stupid hick school saved my life. And I met some gorgeous women while I was soul searching. Juliette was a sweetheart. Sophie was a hard ass (and had one too). And Shelby, well, Shelby sent me so many mixed signals I thought I'd go insane when I went out with her. Peter was like the father I wished I had, Auggie was the real, raw friend I never knew, Daisy was the frank, unyielding rock that told me straight up things I needed to hear when no one else would or could tell me. Everyone there helped me. And I like to think I helped them.

But I'm rambling, aren't I? What do you lot even care about a guy like me? Horizon, saving the lives of teens who would have killed themselves, OD, starved to death, or been killed otherwise, even Horizon is just a blimp in the world. We're screw-ups. We're scum. Except they've actually managed to convince us all that we're not. No matter what the rest of the world may think, they were so completely unshaken on their belief that we were good people, that we weren't screw-ups who had irreversibly ruined our lives for good.

Again, what does all this mean to you? Maybe nothing. But this is my story, and I'm going to tell it whether you want to hear it or not. I've hated my self for so long. I've stuffed all the darkness inside of me, hidden away from concerned eyes. That path can only lead to suffering. That's the road to destruction, and if you make me keep my silence, I will implode.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I arrived at Horizon that first day. I was in a really bad state. In that one day, I had tried to run away twice, and had actually prodded the camp director, Peter, to ask if I was gay. Let's just say I was a bit of a macho brat and slightly amused that anyone would think that of me. At my old school, I had been a bit of a player. I was the most popular guy there, and everyone knew it. I was Golden.

It didn't take long for me to realize that life at Horizon wouldn't be too different in that respect. Two girls from my Cliffhangers group spotted me as soon as they walked through the door the first hour or so that I was there. I was sulking at a table by myself, but I hadn't failed to notice the way they were glancing at me, impatiently waiting for their food. This was the first time Shelby spoke to me. Juliette had gotten her food first, but good ol' Shelby, ever the determined one, had pushed Jules to the ground and darted over to me. Seriously, I told you I was Golden. Of course, the first words she said to me were to offer me something to get high on, and though I was by no means unfamiliar with drugs, this didn't exactly endear me to her. All right, if I were to be honest, the first thoughts that went into my mind about Shelby were that she was white trash. Call me judgemental and superficial, but I didn't want to tangle in that tough slut-queen bitch, as she had appeared to me in the first while that I knew her. She was pretty, but then when I could get pretty any day, I tended to look for girls with personalities that suited me. And I didn't want to be known as the boy toy of Trailer Trash girl at my new high school. These thoughts drastically changed, mind you, and now I'm ashamed I ever thought of her that way. But this isn't about making me look good, it's about being frank.

That first night was hard. I had managed to book it out of Horizon and into town, where I proceeded to be a further fuck up and I trashed this house completely. When Peter showed up I had a mini-breakdown and it was only by his good graces that I wasn't kicked out of Horizon before I even started.

Let's be clear, for a moment. I'm not a bad kid. I'm sure I never really was one. I just had a lot of shit to get through, and I thrashed out any way I could. I was hiding, I was faking it all. Like I said earlier, I had a lot of pride. Elaine had wounded that pride and there was no way I'd ever let anyone see that. I was sick inside.

It's pretty cliché; I'd have to admit. A good kid making bad choices until someone saved them. I'd like to think I would've dug myself out of the hole I was in by myself if I had to, but I know that if not for Horizon, I'd probably have spiralled down into death. If I hadn't gotten out of that house, I wouldn't have a life to return to. Horizon was tough, but it had to be to get through to me.

This reflection of mine is sounding really stupid, isn't it? I guess I'll end it at this. I found love for myself again at that school, and I learned to love others again. I found myself under all the crap I hid behind, and I'm pretty sure I cried more than any of the girls did. I'm Scott Barringer, my stepmother molested me, I dabbled into drugs, and I became a complete ass hole. And I wouldn't say I'm cured, but I did find people who would never judge me, would never toss me away after learning the truth. I was accepted. They didn't baby me, I always had to take responsibility for my actions, and myself but they really cared. They noticed things about me. They saw through my mask, they saw when something was bothering me, and unlike other people, they made sure I knew that if I wanted to talk about it, they'd be there. They didn't pressure me into talking about things before I was ready to, but they never made me feel like I had no one to talk to. Really, they were more of a family than I had ever known.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look really cute when you're concentrating?" a melodic voice smiled over my shoulder. I tore myself away and looked up into Juliette's soft eyes and smiled back at her.

"Queenie, must you be so nauseating?" the sarcastic voice of Shelby snorted from behind my other shoulder. Juliette paid her no mind and rested her delicate hand on my shoulder. I could feel the concern radiating from her already.

"Scott, are you all right?" Jules asked me. I could feel her breath on my neck as she tried not to pry.

"He will be once you stop annoying him." Shelby smirked. She leaned in closer and he could see that her eyes were a bit concerned as well.

"I'm fine, really." I assured the two. I had two beautiful girls leaning against my shoulders, how could I not be?

"Do you want to be left alone, or what?" Shelby asked.

"I'll be out in a moment, I swear." I chuckled.

"We're sorry to intrude, but you've been writing in here for a long time," Juliette said.

"It's okay," I waved off her worried voice. I guess it's my fault she's still a bit on tip-toe around me. I had snapped at her a lot in that first year we met.

"All right, then. We'll see you later then." Shelby said pointedly to Juliette, who looked as if she wanted to hover over me for a few more minutes.

Juliette reluctantly nodded and I felt her hand leave my shoulder. Shelby strode out the door, glancing over her shoulder once to make sure Juliette was doing the same.

"Scott?" I turned around. Juliette was at the door but hadn't left yet. I had to grin at her persistence. "If this ever gets too intense… I mean, I know I wasn't really there for you in the beginning, but I want to be here for you now."

"I know, Jules. Thanks." I nodded at her. She looked at the floor for a moment shyly and I added, "I really scared you, didn't I?"

She looked up quickly, thinking I was teasing her, but my face was serious. She hesitantly nodded. "I didn't know what was going on with you, and when you shut me out so angrily, I was really worried. I should have tried harder, and if you feel like I deserted you, you'd probably be right. But I was too scared to try again, even though I never stopped freaking out about you."

"You've got a good heart, Jules." I smiled gently at her. "I just wasn't ready to tell everyone yet. I'm sorry I made you worry, and you've got to understand, I don't blame you for drifting away. I had pushed you back, and you were just protecting yourself."

"I know I'm too cheerful for you, and you think I can't understand anything, that I'm too bright to be able to handle your darkness, but I went to Horizon, too, didn't I? I had problems there, just as you all did. I just wish you didn't think I was an immature, stupid little girl, and had trusted me, just a bit." She was staring at the floor again. "Because maybe I'd understand if you just gave me a chance. You said you don't judge us anymore, but I know you still think I'm some naïve princess who only thinks of make-up and dating. I just wish you wouldn't write me off. I'm different from Shelby, I know that. And I know that you two have much more in common, that you both understand each other so much. You've got a deep connection, and I know I'm completely different from her. But I could help you too, if you'd let me."

"Jules…" I didn't know what to say. Her speech was just so, so un-Jules like.

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just wanted to let you know that you hurt me, that's all." She sounded like herself again, like a wounded puppy that I had to take care of.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel that way." I finally said apologetically.

"It's true, though, isn't it?" she met my eyes, her dark ones wide and sad.

Before I could answer, the door opened again, and Shelby reappeared.

"I thought we said we were going to let him have some time, he said he'd be coming out soon." The blonde reprimanded the brunette. She gave Scott a 'what are we going to do with her' eye roll and took Juliette's arm and led her out of the room. I watched the door close behind them and sighed. I loved them both so much, but even though their mutual loathing towards each other had dimmed slightly, their rivalry was still going strong.

I turned my attention back to the paper I had been hunched over and finished it off.

_So_ now you know. I couldn't tell you all this in person, but if you were ever wondering why and where I had just disappeared off to, here's your explanation. You deserve a face-to-face explanation, you deserve better than this. But I can't do that right now. I know you were hurt when I lashed out at you so long ago, when I deserted you. I know you need this closure. But I've changed so much now, and I realize how much I needed to do this. I'm in love again, and I know these words, too, will hurt you. I'll always care about you, but if you've still been holding on, let go. I've still got a long way to go. I've still got to heal, and that's time spent that I don't want you waiting around for. You deserve better than I can offer at the moment. I can understand if you never want to see me again, but know that none of this was your fault. I certainly don't blame you for not noticing. Well, okay, I did once, but I've moved on.

Yours Truly, sincerely, with love... pick your salutation,

-Scott

* * *

A/N: Just found HG reruns recently and fell in love with the show. These events take place after the show ended. 


	2. White Trash

**S h e l b y**

He's been worrying me lately. He's been more reserved, a bit like the way he was after confessing to Peter about Elaine. I can see that he's writing some sort of letter; he spent an entire day yesterday locked up scribbling out words. Scott isn't much of a word person, so this surprised me. I mean, he barely wrote to me after the summer after graduation. He had wanted to go to university; I had opted for a year off. He was busy, I understand. And he never was good with articulating his feelings. When I came back from Australia after my year off, he was still there, and we were together again. That summer after graduation had been amazing. We had been closer, more intimate, than ever before. It felt so right, almost too good. It was the sweetest two months of my life.

It's been a few weeks since he started his second year at university. I'm attending one near his, and Juliette happens to be going to Scott's school, too. We're living together, the three of us. It annoyed me a bit in the beginning, having Princess living with me again after I thought I was finally free from her fairy dust. But she's been less annoying, or maybe I just grew up, because we're sort of civil these days. I suppose that's more than partly because Scott is living with us. He never could tolerate our bickering, even though I know that on a small level, he found it amusing, and even flattering. What male ego wouldn't? But Juliette was his friend, and she an entire year's advantage over me, since she enrolled in the same university the same time Scott did. Of course, I knew they were just friends, but even just good friends can beat out girlfriends if it came down to kicking out one of us if the bickering got to be too much.

The three of us live in a small, but not stiflingly small, apartment about two blocks from their school, and maybe an hour's walk, or a half hour bus ride, from my school. Scott drove me on the days that he wasn't running late, even though my school was in the opposite direction of his. We always had breakfast together, just the two of us. I told him he was crazy to go to that much trouble, after all, he could have almost an extra hour to sleep in the mornings if he didn't drive me. He had smiled that boyish smile of his, and simply said that he liked spending time with me in the morning, and that I was worth all that. Besides, he wasn't going to let me waste my time waiting in the cold for the bus.

It was in times like those that I was reminded of how much that curly-haired blonde really cared about me. He's helped me a lot in my past. He's helped me forgive myself, by forgiving me himself. There was a time where I had thought he wasn't ready for me, that he would never be able to understand. He shared with me his most painful stories, the ones that hurt him too much to tell any other soul. He had trusted me with them.

My past isn't all that pleasant. None of Horizon's kids had pleasant pasts, but I've got a feeling that Scott and I were the worst of the worst. It wasn't that the other kids didn't have shitty issues, it was just that for the most part, they admitted their issues. Scott and I hid ours away. We were both sent in because of drugs, falling behind in school, taking the term rebellious teenager too far. But we hid the real reason that caused us to lash out. And it took nearly a full year before Horizon figured out what our problem was.

Scott and I shared more than our bad ass nature, more than our blonde hair, more than our contempt at the school. It turned out that we actually shared the same haunting secret, the same scalding past.

My step dad was a jackass. Every second I was with him, every second I thought about him, or spoke about him, or was so much as reminded of him, I wanted to kill him, and slit my own wrists. He ruined my life. That may sound dramatic but he wrenched away the person I used to be and turned me into this hard shell of a girl. At least he started me well on that path. He touched me, made me feel like I couldn't ever be safe. I couldn't tell anyone. I had a sister to look out for. He promised he wouldn't touch her, and that oath was what I clung to. I would die for Jessie. If I had to live through hell so that she got to keep her innocence, I'd do it. The thing that hurt me was that I knew my mom knew what he was doing. He left her bed every night; she had to notice. She had to realize that he wasn't just going for a midnight snack that lasted hours.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I left. Just ran away as far as I could possibly go. Stupid me, I ran out of cash. There was nothing I could do; I looked like a pathetic hobo. I knew I was starving to death, slowly. I knew that winter was coming, and then if the hunger didn't kill me the cold would. I had nowhere to go, no one to call. I could never go back there. He would never stop, so I could never stop. My friends? What friends? My own mother didn't care.

So I took to the only thing I could to get money. I had no choice, it was either this or death. I sold my body, the only thing I had left to sell. I moaned at appropriate times, put my hands in all the right places. I held back my screams, and made sure the John didn't notice the tears streaming down my face. The first time I did it, the man had paid me up front, and told me he'd take me to a warm room. I kept praying for something to kick in, something to let me break away, but nothing came. Eventually it became routine. The tears dulled, my eyes glassed over. I even started to black out. I repressed details, and had money for drugs to make me forget what my mind wouldn't let me forget. Ah yes, I was a typical hooker. It wasn't until much later that I realized I was knee deep in the same disgusting problem that had caused me to run away in the first place. Except this time I had a choice. And I was choosing to do it, every time. It's amazing what desperation will do to a person.

After a year of this life, after a year of feeling dirty, of feeling hopelessly lost, I found a glimmer of hope. My dad. Not the one that I wanted to poison and stab, the one I loved. My natural father. I was dying in the life I was in, and when I found him, a very large part of me was relieved. But after doing what I had been doing for so long, I couldn't just revert to a nice little fifteen year old. I had a hard edge that wouldn't go away. And I was so scared of being thrust back there, back into that dingy crap hole, that I kept up my walls. I still used the drugs; I still needed to forget. My mask was up, and the wild uncontrollable daughter I had become shocked my dad. His answer to this shock was to send me to the hick school, as Scott called it once. My dad had said it was either this or Juvie, and at the time I didn't really think a fix-up school would be that much better than jail. But I had gone, and it had saved me. The school, and Peter, had wanted to get to know me. Not to judge me, not to necessarily 'fix' me, but because they actually cared. I had naturally resisted. No one could help me. But they were warm; they were like real parents. Strict, understanding, concerned. When I started to like them, I was more adamant than ever to hide myself from them. I couldn't risk the chance of them finding out what really happened. If they found out what I did, they surely would cast me away. No one could still want to help me, could still care about me, after that. They would judge me.

It wasn't until after Scott confided in me, it wasn't until Scott had a breakdown opening himself up, that I let just a little bit of me out. I didn't want to go through the pain I saw reflected in him. Confessing, telling Child Protective Services, hadn't done him any good. From what I saw, it just brought out the hurt he had been hiding and cut open closed wounds. It broke the connection he had with his dad, broke his trust in Peter, caused more self-loathing, and closed him off so much more. They didn't even believe him. I wasn't going to go through that.

After his confession, Scott had wanted to know more about me. He was frustrated, he was hurt… He told me the one thing that no one else knew, exposed all of himself to me, why couldn't I let him in to who I was? Why couldn't I tell him? He thought I had deserted him. He had spilled his heart out to me, and I was remaining close lipped. He couldn't see that the reason I wasn't telling him was that I did care about him. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, didn't care enough to open up. It was because I cared so much about him that I couldn't show him all my ugly scars. If he turned away from me, I would have nothing.

I told him, and he had done just that. Turned away. Just as they all do. It's like a people repellent. I in turn was pissed at his actions. I had stood with him, held him, comforted him through his hurts, and of course he walked away from me after I finally let him in. I had left myself vulnerable and he couldn't handle it. The unfairness overwhelmed me. I knew he was too light to take my darkness. We shared the same problem with our stepparents, but he could never understand what it was like for me out in those streets. He couldn't see why I had to do what I did. He was disgusted. Scott was disgusted with me. And that hurt me so much more than I wanted to admit.

When he finally came back to me, wanting me again, my walls were back up. There wasn't a chance in hell I'd let him in again after what he did. He crushed me and expected that nothing had changed between us. He said he wanted me. I laughed hollowly. He didn't know what he wanted. He swore he wanted all of me, swore he was sorry that his surprise had caused him to back off. He swore that he still cared about me. But he still didn't understand.

After I got the courage to tell the police about the jackass, after my sister whom I loved so dearly, who I'd sell my soul for, ran away and nearly followed my very same steps, he finally got it. He heard her story, and though thankfully my sister had gotten herself out in time, he finally, truly, understood. I couldn't tell him what it was like, but Jessie's desperate tale, her panicked, shrill cries begging me to believe her when she repeated over and over how cold she was, how hungry, how she didn't want to but that she just didn't know what else to do, her scared eyes… they told him for me just how it was for me. And he was there this time. When I had to re-live the horror through my little sister, he had comforted me and accepted me.

In time, I slowly learned to like myself again. That doesn't mean I don't still feel dirty. I don't think that feeling of hatred and regret will ever go away. I did some truly horrible things and my conscience and my body won't let me forget it.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk to him." Juliette quietly told me as I dragged her out of the study. It was more of a large walk-in closet than anything, with a small desk, chair, and love seat, but it was a separate room from the TV, allowing for privacy and quiet.

"Yeah, I know. I just don't want to invade his space, Queenie." I answered. It had once been my own customized insult for her, but now it was a bit like my nickname for her, it held much less of the contempt it once held.

"Can I ask you something?" Juillette asked, her wide innocent eyes set on my cynical ones.

I refrained from mentioning that she had already asked me a question, and shrugged.

"Why did you hate me so much before?" she said.

So many things that could be said here… But now, I could tell she wanted a real answer. I shrugged again. "I didn't hate you. You just pissed the hell out of me. Look, you were just so… Peppy. You were a bit like a spoiled brat, conceited, giggly, and everything I wasn't."

"I know my lightness annoyed you, but is that really enough for you to loathe me like you did?" questioned the brunette lightly.

"You and I both know that we came from different worlds. We were too different to be friends." I said logically. And smiling just a bit, I added in lightly, "And then there's the fact that you stole Scott."

"Actually, _you_ stole Scott. I technically had him first." She grinned teasingly.

"All right, fine, you took him when I wanted him." I rolled my eyes.

"All this over a boy? I don't think that can be it. I don't think you'd do that. It's so superficial… so much like something I would've done." She laughed.

"We were competing for the same guy, and we were dead opposites. Everything you did just rubbed me the wrong way." I admitted. "But hey, that's all in the past."

"Is it?"

"Sure. I now only have an irritation to you that's only slightly greater than the annoyance I have for mosquitoes." I smiled with fake sweetness. "Now stop bugging me with your questions. I've got a test to study for."

"Play nicely, girls." Scott smiled as he emerged from the room, his eyes flicking between the two of us. He put a playful hand on both our shoulders and leaned his forehead against the tops of our heads. "We live together, we can't have chick fights every day."

"I'm sure you'd mind that so much." I snorted. "Not every thing we talk about revolves around you." All the same, I placed my hand on his cheek. "And we weren't fighting. Wouldn't want to anger you, would we?"

He kissed my cheek as I backed up to go to my room. As my back was turned, he called after me, "If you two ever do get in a chick fight, do you think you could take it to where there's a lot of mud?"

He was joking, yes, but that didn't stop Juliette from giving him a dignified shove. She pushed him harder than she had intended and he wasn't prepared for it, so he actually fell back, grabbing the brunette's wrist as he fell. They landed with a heavy thump on the floor.

Scott winced. "Can't take a joke, can you?"

"I wouldn't mind a mud fight, if you joined us." I remarked. "Of course, you'd have to be shirtless."

"I will if you will." He leered back, albeit jokingly.

"You are such a pig." Juliette muttered half-heartedly.

"You enjoy every moment of this." He chuckled. She shook her head in a very 'I'm so much more mature than this' kind of way, which was sort of ruined by Scott's next comment. "If you didn't, you wouldn't still me laying on top of me." She hit his chest lightly and lifted herself to a kneeling position. "Straddling me now, aren't you? Not in front of Shelby, Jules, it's indecent."

I relished the redness that predictably appeared on Juillette's face as she clumsily tried to stand up.

"I like you and all, sweetie, but you're just too easy." He laughed. She pouted. "I was only teasing." He took her wrists and helped her off of him and into a standing position.

"Not that you two don't amuse me, but I've got work to do." I rolled my eyes and departed into my room.

"Kill joy." Scott called after me.

I loved him, but his mood swings were going to drive me to insanity. He followed me into my room and plopped onto my bed. "Can I help?"

"Not really."

"Aw, but I've barely spoken to you the last few days."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Come on, Shelby."

"I'm going to fail this test because of you!" I laughed. "Out!"

"You're no fun." He smirked.

"I'll play with you tomorrow. This is the first big test this semester. Go hang with Juliette."

"Kicking me out, then?"

"Good night, Scott."

"Good night." He wrapped one strong arm around my shoulders in a half hug and kissed the top of my head.

I thought about asking him to stay, but no… this test really was important. Too bad. He was a nice thing to have in my room. I heard him pouting outside my room.

"Shelby kicked me out."

Juliette's laughter rang through the air like bells.

"I'm hanging out with you."

"And what if I'm busy too?"

"What's the point of living with you two if you don't even hang out with me?" He grumbled.

I smiled to myself. I never thought I could have a good time living with both of them, but somehow it really worked. Having Juliette around lightened the mood. With Scott and me it was always intense, dark, passionate, deep, moody. It was exhausting. Juliette brought with her an innocence that both Scott and I had long lost, and made things so much less serious. She was a total drama queen, but hey, I could live with that. After all I'd been through, I had to admit that this was so much better than I could have ever imagined. I was sitting here studying for a college exam, with people I knew were on my side. There were no parents, there were no drugs. I have to admit, I had thought that I would be dead by now, back when I was still a prostitute. This is one time where I thank the Lord that I was so completely, utterly wrong.

* * *

**A/N**: I've decided not to make this a one shot... Thanks for reviewing, I hope to get more, as I will definitely be continuing this story. **-Thanks** for pointing out my mistake, Lucky, I've removed the rape part. Though when I wrote that Shelby's morther didn't care, it's just how I think Shelby would've looked at it when it was happening, it's probably not true, but she just felt like no one was there for her. 


	3. Naive Princess

Juliette 

All right, so this is me. Ask anyone who knew me a few years ago, or well, pretty much anyone who knows me in general, and he or she would all tell you the same thing. Everyone says (or secretly thinks) that I'm a complete airhead. My head is in the clouds, half my time is spent whining, and I grew up getting a lot of the things I wanted. I'm a spoiled brat, a fairy tale princess who freaks out if something gets on my designer clothes. Before Horizon, I had never done a hard days manual work in my life, and I am the type of girl who complains when a nail is broken.

This is what got me made fun of in Horizon. Compared to the rest of the students there, it seemed like I had no right attending the school. I wasn't molested, didn't do drugs, aren't dyslexic, and I haven't shown violent tendencies. My grades were decent, my social status always closer to Prom Queen than anything else, and I had a cheerful disposition. In short, my life seemed perfect to those on the outside, especially those in Horizon who had seen and experienced the worst of the worst.

I am naïve, guy crazy, and on the surface, a preppy cheerleader type. People hardly take me seriously, and people often resent me for my whining or become protective towards me as if I'm made of glass.

To an extent, the people who judge me and brush me off so carelessly are right. I hate getting dirty; I believe chopping firewood and all those hard tasks are men's jobs. I haven't lived out on the streets, don't have a dark edge, didn't struggle in school, and wasn't busted for hanging out with the wrong people.

I couldn't hang out with the wrong people. My mother largely chose my friends for me. She would constantly hold dinner parties and invite every higher status person she knew. My evening would be spent looking pretty, being polite, and giggling with the girls my age, flirting with the guys my age, and allowing the guys who were most definitely not my age leer at me.

When I wasn't at school or being paraded around by my mother, I was exercising. Our house had a sizable exercise room and for an hour before school every weekday, I'd be on the treadmill. After school, I would do my homework, then I'd be being sit-ups, Pilates, and on the exercise bike for two hours. On Mondays and Thursdays I attended dance lessons after this. On Tuesdays and Fridays I would be prepped on my etiquette, a finishing school of sorts, and I would get my hair and nails done or I'd go shopping for my wardrobe. Wednesdays I had singing lessons. Sundays my mother would sit me down and we would go over the plan for the next week, if there would be any adjustments to my diet or exercise plan, if there were any upcoming beauty pageants I was to take part in. Because all of this was for the beauty pageants, of course. My mother always prided herself on her daughter's good looks and she flouted me every way she could. She had won a few medals in her day but her father had made her quit, saying it was demeaning for women. She had always been angry with her father for not letting her continue, and so she lived through me. I was in every competition I was eligible for. I can remember learning how to stand properly, walk properly, and smile properly, since I was four. My first third place ribbon came when I was seven, and it was just a regional win. But in the years to come, I'd garner much more recognition.

I was the perfect beauty queen. I did as I was told. I had pretty features, a melodic voice, and a fragility that judges seemed to adore. I was polite, meek, and always with a smile on my face. I wasn't a total idiot, I had enough intellect to have some respect from onlookers, yet I wasn't outspoken and wasn't smart enough to be intimidating.

Being in the spotlight for my whole life, being in a position where my appearance mattered above much else, I was under a lot of pressure. My mother nagged me about my weight in my teen years and she criticized everything about me. Every time I would take a drink of soda, or take a bite of buttered toast, she would raise her eyebrows. And if I tried to have a burger, she'd out right say that I couldn't afford to gain an extra pound. Thus began my fear of not being good enough for her, or for anyone. I couldn't take the pressure to look good, I found myself having panic attacks at the prospect of gaining any weight. Looking back, it was quite a logical thing for me to develop an eating disorder.

I've been known to be anorexic and bulimic. To this day, my eating habits are still watched. I had to have a food journal, my calories had to be kept track of, people always would sharply ask if I had been eating. But this is all after I was discovered and helped. It took my mother too long to care. I'm sure she noticed. I'm equally sure that my figure staying pristine pleased her. When it spiralled worse and worse and I began losing more weight, when my bones were becoming more pronounced, and when I finally began to pass out from lack of nutrients, this was when my mother checked me into a clinic. I still wonder if she intervened because she was worried about my health of if she was upset that my hard won beauty queen looks were being jeopardized.

It was hard to kick the habit, even after the clinic. They forced me to eat, but no one had yet addressed my low self-esteem issues. My mother didn't help. On the contrary, she often yelled at me for being so stupid. I still felt worthless, and she made my problem into her problem. I felt like I was nothing but a nuisance to her, nothing but a disappointment. She said I made her look bad, that this was reflecting horribly on her. Not me, her.

Through the various husbands she made, my body image continued it's descent. I was drilled to be happy always. I had to smile, had to be a good girl, even when it was hurting to let things stay the way they were. I felt so much pressure to be perfect.

No one can be perfect. To let out my pain and frustration, I started cutting myself. It felt good to feel something. The physical pain numbed my emotional unhappiness, and things were made more bearable when I knew that I could go home and cut out the sadness.

When this new little trait was discovered and my eating disorder was becoming more visible, it was time for another change. My problems were making the current husband nervous. Mother couldn't have that, now could she? The clinics weren't working as well as she wanted, and in exasperation and in a desire to get me out of her hair and to salvage her marriage, I was thrust into Horizon.

I really was unhappy with myself. I could never be thin enough, I wasn't pretty enough, and nothing I could do could make my mother love me. I was always messing up, always scolded, never praised.

At Horizon, I met Shelby, who for the first time in my life, was real to me. She pointed out my flaws, but she never made out something was there if it wasn't. She used honesty in the most brutal of forms. She took me from my fairy tale bubble and exposed me to reality. Horizon showed me that life wasn't about Beauty pageants; it showed me that it was all right to mess up. Everyone there had made mistakes, everyone there were flawed. They accepted you no matter what. I think it was this more than anything that helped me to see that I was okay. There wasn't anything seriously wrong about me, and I found a place where I was loved and cared for. I was healed.

Meeting Scott was wonderful. In the beginning, when I first saw the delicious and slightly broody Golden Boy, I knew I wanted him. He had been a star football player in his high school, and from what I could see; he was the Prince Charming to my Prom Queen. Next to Ezra, the dorky druggie, and Auggie, the gangster homeboy, Scott was ideal. For a while, he liked me back. Shelby, of course, wasn't blind and she liked what she saw as much as I did. She flirted with him, and we both vied for him. He instantly chose me, no contest. Despite her best efforts, smuttiest positions, leeriest words, most seductive moments, he chose me. He ignored her. The feeling I had when he didn't even need to think about which of us to choose really boosted me. I wasn't second best. Scott wanted me. He helped me to like myself, he protected me like no one else could, and he made me happy.

Of course, through the Shelby-Scott-Me triangle, cropped up the Auggie-Scott-Me triangle as well. My initial brush off of Auggie as someone I would never go out with in any lifetime was altered as he showed a side of himself to me that he had kept hidden. It was I who had started him on his own path to acceptance, it was I who helped him see that he had a diagnosed, common problem that was not his fault- and it wasn't stupidity, it was dyslexia. Auggie was drastically different than Scott in several ways, but so similar in others. He had such an edge to him, such a tough attitude that wouldn't let anyone in. But once he did let you in, it was realized that he was incredibly sensitive. Scott also had barriers that kept out people, except with him I never could get through them. Auggie let me in, but I still don't quite know what the real Scott Barringer is like.

When Auggie exposed himself, I gave in a little. He was so sweet. At this point, I could feel Scott easing up on Shelby as he too saw a bit more to her true side. I was worried that he was drifting from me, that I might lose him. Auggie was being more attentive to me, more protective… I let myself be swayed and I lost myself to him, just as Scott did with Shelby.

Scott chose Shelby. They had much more in common and once that was found out, once Shelby finally showed people that she wasn't just a bitch, he was taken. And it still hurts that after he knew us both better, he changed his mind and opted for her instead of me. He only chose me based on initial appearances, he chose her when substance was seen. He chose her when it mattered.

Auggie never did that. There was never really any one else but me for him. He had always been a little hurt when I would glance at Scott, he'd always be concerned that I loved Scott more than him. Auggie never broke my heart. He would do anything for me. That includes running away with me even though he had no real reason to run, except to keep me safe. He shoplifted for me, was arrested for me, and nearly got charged and landed in jail for me.

He took me to the Morp, made me feel like a princess, and cared for me with every thing he had. So sensitive, he'd always be hurt if I pushed him away.

Auggie, the sweet, sensitive, artist, who I knew would protect me from anything. The Spanish gangster from the wrong side of the tracks and the popular beauty queen he'd been fixated with since day one.

Scott, the gorgeous jock with a dark past, hidden secrets, and a soft interior that he had never allowed me into. My Prince.

"Why am I always second best?" I murmured.

"What was that?" Scott asked sleepily. I flinched. I hadn't meant to speak out loud. We were both curled on the couch, a blanket wrapped around us, and some sort of TV show playing in front of us. His head was resting on my lap, and it felt so nice. But he was only here because Shelby had kicked him out of her room so she could concentrate on schoolwork.

"Nothing." I quietly answer.

"You're getting that wounded tone in your voice. What's up?" he shifted his head so that his eyes can meet mine.

I wanted to ask him what happened to us. There are times where I desperately want to be with him again, to be his girl again. I miss the times where he used to call me that. Instead, I blurted out something random, "Are you tired?"

"It is nearing midnight, Jules." He chuckled.

"Then go to bed."

"Seriously, what's up?"

"Why did you choose to go to this university?" I asked.

"Because I got a full sports scholarship." Scott answers easily.

"And why did I?"

"Because I was going here, of course." He joked. "You said it was prestigious, affordable, had a variety of courses you were interested in, and was far enough from your mother's house that she wouldn't be able to visit regularly, remember?" I nodded.

He doesn't know that the first reason he had stated jokingly had been more of a deciding factor than everything else he had mentioned. I wouldn't have followed him to any grungy crap school, but he had chosen a good school. And I was scared about the prospect of knowing no one. The idea of going to a school with at least one friendly face alongside me, and not just any friendly face, but of Scott's protective and sweet friendly face who knew of and could identify with my problems, was too persuasive to pass up. It wasn't as if I really knew what I wanted to be career-wise, so I opted in following him.

Scott had been really crushed when Shelby had announced that she wasn't going to college yet. He had wanted her to go with him. This was before she decided on leaving the continent for her year off. His mood when he found that out was actually a little frightening.

After high school grad, I couldn't stand hanging out with Scott and Shelby. They were so happy together, so love sick. I went away to visit some old friends and relatives, and came back two days before Shelby was to leave. I had already decided and accepted to go to Scott's university but had held off in telling him after grad. He was so involved with Shelby that it didn't feel right. I finally told him where I was heading after he met me at the airport and dejectedly told me that he didn't know anyone from Horizon going to his university. His pleasure upon hearing my decision had made me blush. His face had spilt into a wide grin and he had stridden over and given me a warm hug, exclaiming that it was going to be an amazing few years.

It was he that suggested the rational idea of living together, especially when a nice, affordable, and nearby apartment had popped up in the classifieds. We were both well off, and pooling over money together for rent meant that the apartment wouldn't be a strain of either of us.

Of course, he casually mentioned this to Shelby the night before her flight and she totally freaked out. They spent a few hours arguing, with Shelby obviously not trusting the two of us living together. She was uneasy with the idea of us even going to the same school, and I had gotten threatened with a very 'he's mine so keep your hands off my man' kind of speech.

The fact that she was going to Australia for a year lightened me. I'd have all year of him to myself, even if that were friendship.

When Shelby decided she was going to our university, I wouldn't be surprised if she based her entire decision on the desire to not let us spend any more time alone together. She had declared that she was going to move in with us, which would work out all right, though our formerly comfortably spacious apartment would be more than a little cramped, and cutting the rent three ways wasn't really necessary for either Scott or me.

Since she saw that Scott and I weren't sleeping together, her trust in me grew and we've since developed a mutual civility, even friendship. But despite all this, I still have an underlying resentment that she stole him from me.

"Last year was a lot of fun." I state dreamily. And it was. We had gotten so much closer, and I had found out much more to him. His guard had lowered a bit, but I still felt like he wasn't letting me in.

"It was. Between your daily freak-out about school, whether it was about a test, assignment, or your horrible professor, it was like watching a soap." He said, amused. "Then there were the fashion meltdowns where you stressed because you couldn't find your favourite top, or you got a stain in your jeans, or one of your endless pairs of shoes were missing. Oooh, and the sale days. Dear God, you were scary on sale days."

"Shut up, Scott! Like you were any better. 'Jules, I can't find my textbook for pysch.!' 'Does this shirt smell unwearable?' 'Oh my GOD I'm out of cologne!'" I tease back. "The best I can say about you is that you didn't bring home any girls. That would have permanently scarred me."

"Speaking of that, you haven't brought any guys home either. I know I said in the beginning that I would be physically sick if you did, but I was kidding. I could crash some place else for the night, if you wanted me to. Okay, this conversation is heading to a weird direction." Scott remarked.

"Yeah. Do you think about me bringing home guys often?" I arched an eyebrow.

"I'm just saying, a girl has needs just like a guy-"

"I'd rather not hear about your needs, thanks." I cut him off and shut my eyes in mock disgust. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. I'd have thought that Scott would know that, but no matter. "And this isn't an issue you have to be worrying about. I'm not going to be bringing home any guys. I don't want to."

"What, college guys aren't good enough for you?" he laughed.

"Go to sleep, Scott." I smiled, throwing a cushion at him.

"All right, I'll shut up." He relented and helps me up.

"Good night." I nodded at him, and he gave me a quick peck on the cheek as I moved around him into my room, which is right beside his. We had spent numerous nights where neither of us could sleep, both of us leaning against the wall we shared as we talked to each other about nothing and everything until both of us fell asleep or the sun rose, whichever came first.

An hour or two passed and I was still awake in my bed. I open my eyes and sigh. My bed is against the wall separating our two rooms so I stare at it, wondering if Scott is up. This is the closest I can feel to sleeping beside him, and it comforts me when I'm feeling alone.

"Scott?" I mutter very quietly.

"Hey Jules." His voice replies through the wall. "You're up, thank God. I didn't want to wake you but I'm going crazy staring at my ceiling."

I smiled. It's just like old times. "What's your favourite brand of chocolate?"

"Hershey Almond. What's your favourite flower?"

"White roses. What do you feel like doing right now?" The other end of the wall is silent. "Scott? Don't tell me you've fallen asleep already."

"Nah." He finally answers back. "I don't think I will tonight. I had another bad dream."

"Oh." I breathe. He's always been touché about this. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It scares me, sometimes. I feel like she's going to come back, appear in the doorway again…" he admits.

"It's okay to be scared." I don't know what to say. I never do.

"Why is it we always talk through the wall like this?"

"So we can feel together without having to move. So we can be alone and not alone at the same time."

"So we can act like little kids?" he chuckles. "I think this is stupid. Besides, we might wake Shelby, and she's got a huge test tomorrow." I stare at the wall and glare at it. We never had to worry about waking up anyone before. And I don't appreciate him calling our insomniac tradition stupid.

"We're not loud enough to wake her up." I said. And its true, Shelby's room is across the apartment from ours. "And I happen to like this. It's helped me through a lot, these night time talks."

"They've helped me too." He softly answers. "Jules?"

"Yes?"

"I'm coming over."

"What?"

He doesn't reply and in a moment, his head peeks in through my door. I'm worried. He used to only come in to my room when the dreams really, really got to him.

"Are you okay?" I asked. He half shrugged. "Come in." He smiled and walked into my room and settled on my bed, cross-legged. I try not to admire his defined stomach that is uncovered and begging to be touched. I love that Scott sleeps in only boxers or pyjama bottoms. "So, what's your favourite pizza?"

"Pepperoni." He replies. This is our way of dealing. We talk about random, light, topics and in time, with little prodding, the person who needs the comforting will talk in their own time. I unconsciously take his arm and pull him closer to me so that I am lying on his chest.

He leans his cheek against the top of my head and sighs, "You make me feel safe."

"You've done that for me since you walked into Horizon. You should know that you're always safe with me, Scott." I answer.

"Thanks for this." He said. "Thanks for doing this every time I need you to, without fail."

"We help each other out, no thanking necessary. That's what friends do." I grinned and ruffled his already ruffled curls. He nodded and hugged me. I'm brought back to the nights where he held me in the washroom, I'd be sobbing and trying to throw up, something having happened that night which made me feel low, fat, ugly enough to try that. He'd be comforting, soothing, understanding. I'd talk about my insecurities, he'd tell me about his football glory days and how they went to hell right before Horizon, but how he managed to bring them back. He'd give me hope and support, and most needed of all, companionship.

"Jules, I love you." He whispers. I know that he's exhausted, and thankful, and means it only out of friendship, gratitude, and vulnerability after his dream. He's often said those words to me, and I know he always means it. I only wish that one day he might mean them the way I want him to mean them.

I smiled as I savoured the feeling of his bare chest against my cheek, and I replied, "Me and Shelby, right? The two best girls in your life."

He kissed my forehead and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest slowing. I've helped him calm down enough to sleep, and my own eyes close. Making Scott happy is the best feeling I know.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reviewing. As for the person who asked if I've seen all the HG episodes, I'm working on it but I've only seen about half so far. I've seen the first epi, and the last few epis, and a few scattered throughout the middle. I haven't seen much J/S in the series but the little I have seen, I've liked a lot, as well as the S/S. If you're wondering what happened to Jule's and Auggie's relationship in this story, I haven't figured out yet what happened to him in this world, so if there are any ideas, they are welcome... And I'm still torn between which ship to pursue here, J/S or S/S. Feedback? 


	4. New Beginnings

**Scott: Three years isn't enough...and one year is just too much**

It's really sinking in that Elaine and all that she put me through will haunt me for the rest of my living days. It's gotten a lot better these past few months, the past year and a half I was able to be freed just a little from the clutches of my memories of grade ten. But every now and then, a nightmare creeps up on me, as if my subconscious is reminding me viscously that no matter what I do with my life, the fact that I slept with my stepmother will never be erased.

After I woke up last night after being asleep for only two hours, maybe even less, I couldn't bring myself to even try to sleep again. I wanted to take a shower, but the noise would inevitably wake up my roommates. I couldn't even get a drink of water from the kitchen, since Shelby's room is right beside the kitchen, and her tendency to be a light sleeper would mean that even the running of water would probably stir her.

Juliette, bless her, had called for me after a half hour of my being awake, and her soothing actions had guided me back to a peaceful sleep, much as she had done for me on countless occasions during the past year.

I had actually gotten a refreshing sleep, and when I woke up I felt more relaxed than anything. I blinked a few times and realized I was still in Juliette's room, with her nestled on my chest. I smiled. Her head was against me, and her arm was flung out almost protectively over my upper body. I rubbed her shoulders gently and in a moment, her eyes fluttered open as well.

She gave me a sleepy smile and mumbled, "'Morning. Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah, thanks." I nodded and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear before I slowly sat up in the bed, helping Juliette up as well.

"What day is it today?" she yawned.

"Friday."

"Yessss."

"Hot date?"

"Hot weekend."

"Any plans?"

"Not specifically. What about you? You and Shelby going out?"

"Possibly. Come on, we'd better get ready. Knowing you, I'd better get in the shower before you can use up all the hot water." I stated. Her beauty queen habits in relation to preening have yet to die down, though I find it cute. Frustrating at times, and occasionally annoying, but I've gotten used to it.

"Scott?" Juliette started as I turned my back to her on my way across the room.

"Yeah?" I turned back. Her voice sounded hesitant.

"…Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine. Really. With your help, of course." I inclined my head. "Thank you. Seriously."

"Hurry up in the shower, I've get to get in before Shelby does." She waved me off, though the shy, pleased smile I've come to know so well spread across her face.

As I was half way to the bathroom, Shelby left her room and gave me a brief kiss on the cheek. "Hey." She greeted.

"Hi. Jules says she wants the shower after me." I told her.

"What are we, ten?" she snorted.

"If you took that long in minutes, instead of hours, to shower, we wouldn't have to be calling dibs on it." I laughed back.

"Oh, please. She takes at least double what I take in there."

"Uh huh." I shook my head. "I've got a shower to take."

"Can I join you? I'd be defying Juliette's order yet she wouldn't really be able to complain about it." Shelby smirked.

"Ew. Don't talk about this stuff in the open, okay?" Juliette winced as she walked into our conversation.

"I was kidding, Queenie." Shelby rolled her eyes and made for the fridge. I half smiled at Juliette as our eyes met, though she looked away almost instantly, a blush on her face. I guess hearing about my sex life isn't exactly fun for her.

In actuality, Shelby and I have never had sex. We've been close to it a few times, especially after she told me that she'd be going to the other side of the world for a year. It had been a big deal, obviously, but both of us were still a little hesitant about intimacy due to our past. I know I'll be able to move on eventually. I am still a teenage guy, after all, and even though my baggage hinders my relationships, I know that in time I'll be able to move on completely… Three years should have been enough, but it isn't, at least not quite yet. And though it would be amazing to be so close to her, I'm still a bit shaky about it.

That isn't to say that I haven't hooked up with anyone but Elaine. Before the step skank walked into my life, I had gotten really far with numerous girls, in fact, I had done pretty much done everything short of actual intercourse. I was a player; I was popular and almost hero-worshipped at my old school… I didn't exactly have a shortage of potential girlfriends. But though I was by no means inexperienced with women, Elaine had actually taken away my virginity, and I haven't gone all the way with anyone since. It may be a messed up way of thinking, but I just don't know if I want to go that far…I'm afraid that doing so may remind me of everything she made me do. I'm scared because I had liked what Elaine had been doing, or at least I had managed to convince myself that I did, back when I still thought what we had was love. I don't want to lose myself again. And I get that feeling that I'll feel guilty, dirty if I sleep with anyone, even if it should have been long enough time for me to get over it. That sounds kind of harsh, actually. Getting over something as large as this makes the subject in question seem so much more harmless than it is.

The nightmares I still get at times tell me something important. I know I need more time. The thing is, what if more and more time passes and I don't move on from it? I can't let her control the rest of my life, but I can't make myself block her out completely. If I am still like this after three years, what's to say I won't be like this for the rest of my life? I've gotten better, haven't I? I'm out of Horizon, I'm old enough to vote, I go to university, have a part time job that I only really have to go to twice a week, and I've managed to keep my mood swings at bay long enough to make new friends. I've gotten better…and I thought I was freed. But am I? Will I ever be normal again?

"I thought you were going to shower?" Shelby's voice broke into my thoughts. I shook my head a bit and realized that I was still just holding onto the bathroom doorknob.

"I am." I muttered stiffly.

"What's with the tone? I was just wondering why you were staring at the knob for the past minute. Examining it for dirt particles, or something?" she raised her eyebrows. I ignored her remark and opened the door. "Scott. I was kidding. What is with you today?"

"Nothing. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed." I brushed off as I tried to concentrate on reality instead of dwelling on my thoughts.

Shelby strode over to me with her glass of milk and peered at me almost analytically. She commented, "Are you sure? You seem more out of it than usual." She reached out and touched my bare back, causing me to twitch.

I instinctively swatted her hand away and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Look, just leave me alone, okay?" Shelby dropped her hand, though now there was a slightly peeved look on her face, mixed in with a bit of concern. I sighed. "I'm seriously just crabby, it's nothing else. I didn't mean to snap at you."

Without waiting for a response, I walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I started the water in the shower and rubbed my face. I knew I was being stupid. I had woken up that morning feeling relatively good, and the only thing that had changed my mood was my own thoughts. I had to snap out of this.

When I was almost done in the shower, I heard the door open. My head jerked up and I felt my breath catch. I automatically shut off the water and called out, "I'm still using the shower!"

"I know, but I wanted to brush my teeth, since I won't get the shower for at least another half hour." Shelby answered me.

"I'm not wearing anything!" I said indignantly.

"Scott. Seriously, I won't peek or anything. I'm just going to brush my teeth." Her voice was amused.

This was succeeding in making me feel uncomfortable. I hated being in the same room with anyone when I was completely naked. Especially the shower. Flashbacks of Elaine stepping into the shower with me in the nights where my dad was out of the house sprang into my mind and I shuddered. This was just Shelby…surely I could get a grip on myself.

I slipped my arm out of the shower curtain and grabbed a towel from the rack. Not that I didn't trust my girlfriend, but I wouldn't put it past Shelby to glance over by "accident". I wasn't in the mood to be amused by this and I tightly secured the towel around my waist before I finally swung the curtain open and stepped through.

Shelby grinned at me and slipped her arms around my neck and gave me a playful kiss on the lips. "So jumpy, Scott!"

"So horny, Shelby!" I shook my head at her, though I kept my tone light. I shrugged her arms off. "I'm dripping wet."

"I don't really care." She responded, kissing me again. I reciprocated briefly, before I pulled away.

"I'm going to put my clothes on." I told her as I slipped out of the room. Once I closed the door behind me, I let out a breath. This shouldn't make me as uncomfortable as it did…should it?

In truth, the distance between us the past year really affected our relationship, or at least it did in my eyes. The summer we had together was great, but before that summer I had gone to my hometown high school for senior year while Shelby stayed in Horizon. We had visited each other as often as we could, but despite our efforts and good intentions, we had still only seen each other less than two dozen times that year. She came to my Prom, and I to hers, and we visited each other through Christmas and other holidays, but we drifted. The summer brought us together again and had she not left the country we would probably still be quite close. But she decided to leave, and three months between the two years apart was not enough for me. It seriously angered and hurt me that she wanted to go so far away from me after we had just been together again.

I missed her, and I had hoped that things would be the same as they had before she left. I told myself that if it was true love, and it was, then nothing could get in the way.

When she came back, I was incredibly happy, but I knew within a few days that things had changed. A year makes a lot of difference… and to me, it meant everything. This time around, we couldn't even see each other periodically through the time apart. Telephone calls once a month in fifteen minute segments, instant messaging once a week for half an hour, emails daily, and even snail mail when either of us were feeling particularly romantic helped us to maintain some sort of grasp on our relationship, and this fractured but very determined communication lent me hope that we would not weaken. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, when I say that things changed. I still care about her, still love her, I believe I always will. After everything we've gone through together, after everything we've helped each other with, every pain we've worked through, I don't think we'd be capable of ever breaking our connection. But we have separate lives.

I ached for Shelby desperately when she left. I had sent her about ten emails in the first day she flew off, and I couldn't sleep. I was a wreck. I was pissed, moody, hurt, and not exactly sure that I could make it without her. In a nutshell, I was not a fun person to be living with, and I wouldn't have been surprised if Juliette had gotten fed up enough to move out.

After my initial temper tantrum, I adapted to being Shelby-less eventually, though it didn't seem fair to me that I had to have her ripped away from me after having spent such a short time together. But I got used to being without her again, and things were stable. It makes me feel guilty to admit it, but when she came back, I felt as if I had to re-adjust. And though I was more than ecstatic to be with her again, I couldn't deny that her arrival made things a bit awkward. Juliette hadn't known quite how to act around me anymore, afraid that if she were overly friendly with me that Shelby would jump down her throat. In fact, last night's midnight talk was the first we one that we had since before Shelby returned.

Anyways, I had just shut the door behind me when Juliette looked up from her perch on a stool in the island in our kitchen. That island was the closest thing to a dining table that we had in the apartment, though neither of us minded. She was chewing on pieces of neatly cut cantaloupe, and upon seeing me she put her fork down softly beside the bowl.

"Is that all you're having?" I asked her, noticing that she had quickly averted her eyes upon seeing me clad in just the towel. She had seen me like this more than a few times before, but apparently her modesty levels still made her blush upon seeing me like this.

"I had some water too." She tried to protest. I sighed and strode over to the pantry, took out a box of cereal, and poured her a bowl. She looked at the bowl with distaste. "I've been eating normally for years now. You don't have to watch over me like that. What if I'm just not hungry?"

"You've been eating less lately." I said while filching a piece of cantaloupe and plopping it into my mouth.

As I was about to go to my room, Juliette quietly murmured, "You would tell me if you weren't okay, right?"

My impatience crept up and I snapped back, "I said I was fine! What more do I have to do? God, do you have to pry?"

She looked like I had slapped her and she lowered her eyes again. When she answered me, her voice was even quieter than it had been before. "I'm sorry. I know you said you were okay, but after your dream…"

I hated that look of worry on her face, mixed with chagrin and even apprehension. It never failed to guilt me. I always had felt like I had to protect Juliette, and I slowly relented. "I was just thinking of her again."

"You will be okay again, Scott. I believe that you are stronger than any of the dark stuff that most people would have shrunk under." She told me. I looked at her in surprise. I hadn't expected her to guess exactly what was worrying me.

"What if I'm not?" I wished I could take back those words of insecurity as soon as they left my mouth.

"You are." Her firm faith in me affected me. "And I'll stay up all night with you as much as you need me to for you to believe in yourself as much as I do." I took her hand and squeezed it gratefully.

"What's this about spending all night together?" Shelby raised an eyebrow as she joined us on the island.

Juliette looked like a deer in the headlights and glanced at me for help. I contemplated about telling her our ritual, but I quickly waved the thought away. That would not be a wise move.

"Nothing." I casually shrugged.

"Come to think of it, I thought I saw you walk out of Juliette's room this morning." Shelby's voice seemed calm, though it had an underlying layer of accusation to it that I didn't miss.

"We were just-" I started.

Juliette helped me by finishing the statement with, "Sleeping!" Too bad she said it just as I continued with, "Talking."

Shelby's eyes grew suspicious and she crossed her arms. "Well, which was it, then, Scott? Sleeping? Or talking? Or was it something else altogether?"

"Shelby, don't be stupid, we didn't do anything. Don't accuse Scott of something he didn't do." Juliette jumped in.

"I wasn't accusing anyone of anything. Is there something I should be accusing him of doing?" Shelby coldly looked at Juliette.

"Look, it's just a thing we used to do. I couldn't sleep, so I hung out in Juliette's room, just to talk. After we talked for a bit, we fell asleep. That's it." I explained, trying to bring Shelby's attention back to me before Juliette wilted under her glare.

"You could have come to me." She said.

"I didn't want to wake you because of your test today, or I would have for sure." I told her apologetically. "We were just talking, it was stupid anyways."

"Yeah. Shelby. You won him, remember? He chose you." Juliette's voice was steady. "Me and him are just friends. Because he chose you."

"I'm sorry for not trusting you," Shelby finally said, taking my hand.

"Don't worry about it." I smiled at her. "Now I'm just going to change and then we can go out for breakfast, okay?" She nodded and turned to her own room to change.

On my walk back to my room, I failed to notice Juliette's look of hurt that she held as she watched me leave.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for the continuous reviews, I love hearing from you guys. Ha ha I had two Higher Ground dreams in the past four days, I just thought that was a sign to update. More to come soon, no doubt. 


	5. Emotional Blockage

**Shelby: Emotional Blockage**

I really love Scott. It must be said right now. Every time he so much as looks at me my heart almost explodes. He saw in me the things I could never see in myself, he made me feel number one for once.

As he sat across from me in our favourite coffee shop that morning, I couldn't stop touching him. Mind out of the gutter people, what I mean is I couldn't stop from holding his hand, or caressing his cheek. It feels like no matter how much time I spend with him, it can never be enough.

The fact that he was in Juliette's room all night was not something that exactly made me happy. But I knew from the look in his eyes that he would never, ever cheat on me. Still, I am mildly possessive and I think I'll have to ask Scott not to continue the late night rendezvous with Queenie. Not that she even looks at Scott in that way anymore. The two went out for a little while a few years ago, and I knew even then that it wasn't serious. It had been a typical high school romance: shallow. Nothing like the intensity and honesty that captured Scott and my relationship now. Besides, I've always felt that she got along better with Auggie, any ways.

Of course, I trust Juliette too. More or less. I believe she's gotten over her little crush on him, and I think that she's a decent human being. She's got morals, and would be too up righteous to ever do such a thing like go after a guy who's not single, even if the girlfriend of said guy was someone she loathed. And she doesn't loathe me anymore.

Considering I've been musing about this for a few minutes, I'm hoping that the feeling at the back of my mind isn't doubt. I'm not trying to convince myself; I'm already convinced. I am.

I really am still a teenager, aren't I?

I do have faith in my roommates. It's just that I've been away from Scott for so long that I'm still a little over eager to compensate. I feel guilty for ditching him for a year. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but one look at his face after I told him I was leaving and it was obvious that he was taking it personally. I was worried that being away for so long would wreak havoc in our relationship. Before I left, I was sure nothing could shake our love. While I was actually away, I was too busy having the time of my life among the Aussies to worry about things back home. But on the trip back, I began wondering if maybe I had put on weight…or what if a year in college had transformed him into a complete intellect and I would seem immature and stupid? What if things had changed?

He had been absolutely giddy upon seeing him, so those doubts went out the window. He didn't dump me on the spot. And I allowed myself, for just a moment, to believe that one year didn't change us at all.

"So, are you ready for your test?" Scott asked me pleasantly.

"Let's hope so." I answered. "I studied at every opportunity I could."

"You'll do fine," he reassured me.

"What was it that prompted you to talk with Juliette, anyways?" I said conversationally.

"Nothing." His reply was too quick.

"Scott, you can tell me." I said, taken aback that he hadn't told me straight out.

"It was about stupid stuff. I told you." I could sense his walls going up.

"Stupid stuff wouldn't bring you to sleep in her bed all night." I pointed out, annoyed.

"We didn't do anything!"

"I'm not accusing you! Scott, you opened up to me before, why can't you now?"

"Stop prying!"

"I'm not freaking prying, Barringer!" I snapped right back at him.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Oh great, we were back at this stage. "You were fine with talking about it to Juliette."

"When did you get so suspicious?"

"I'm not suspicious. I just want to know what's going on with my boyfriend."

"You should do your test." Scott shortly said. He stood up, scraping the chair loudly as he did so.

"I was wondering when your mood swings would return." I commented, just as shortly.

"Can't you understand that I don't want to discuss it right now? I had to wait for God knows how long until you were ready to tell me about Walt, and even then my finding out had more to do with my guessing than you actually telling me about it."

"You're dragging that into this? Really, Scott. After you found out about everything in my past, you turned away from me. That isn't a prime example for you to bring up."

"I don't want to fight." He sighed in resignation.

"Then let me in again, why won't you?"

"I'm sorry." This was one of his hard, 'I'm not actually all that sorry but I'll say what you want to hear' type of apologies.

"Why can't you take out your anger on Juliette? If you can let her pry into your life, I don't see how you can possibly have a problem with me doing it."

"Why do you keep bringing up Jules?" He was getting frustrated. Well, so was I.

"Because she knows more about you than I do!" I wanted to shake him.

"I can't take this right now, okay?" He clenched his jaw. "I hope you do well on your test, and I'll see you later."

"You're all pissy at me now, aren't you?" I laughed incredulously. "All because I asked an innocent question."

"I'm sorry, all right?" he bowed his head for a moment as I gave the top of his head a dirty look. I softened and reached out and grabbed his hand before he could leave.

"Don't walk away mad." I told him.

"If I don't walk away now, the only thing that's going to happen is this argument getting worse." He said gravely.

"What the hell, Scott? We're arguing over nothing. In the few weeks I've been back, we haven't had one single argument, and now you're jumping down my throat over something as trivial as this?"

"Maybe we haven't fought because we haven't talked about anything worth talking about." He said.

"Excuse me?" I frowned.

"Shelby, look, I have to get to class."

"Why are you so mad?"

"I'm not mad!" he exclaimed. He met my eyes again and shook his head. He closed his eyes for a moment before reopening them. Taking a breath, he leaned across the table and kissed me. "This is ridiculous. I love you, and it's insane that we've managed to pick a fight."

"Yeah, it is." I agreed, and I leaned closer to him and initiated another kiss.

"I'll see you tonight." Scott stated, pulling away from me. He gave me a small smile. "And really, break a leg on that test."

I watched him leave, more than a little confused. Talk about male PMS.

I finished my coffee and took my test, which I sincerely hope I did well on. After a few classes, my cell rang. I got a text from Scott saying he really was sorry for snapping at me, and he wanted to meet me in half an hour. I grinned. I could get angry with him, but he always found ways to make me forgive him, and his little messages always cheered me up.

I had to admit, though, it did feel a little too good to be true. Scott was attentive, and enthusiastic, and patient. He was caring, supportive…a model boyfriend these past weeks. Yet, it was so good that it was almost at the point where it was…fake? I think he's just concerned that my year exploring a foreign country may have opened my eyes to the world, and maybe he thought I'd run off with a hot accented Australian. Maybe he's just trying to be extra sweet to make up for lost time. Either way, I feel like he isn't being real with me. He's trying to please me, which I can see. But I'm not sure if he's coming to me to actually confide in any more. If he's feeling troubled, I'm wondering if he's going elsewhere for comfort and help because he doesn't want to bother me, or have me think him weak. I see he's trying to hold us together, but I know this is surely not the way to go about it.

Him and Juliette obviously got closer in their year together. I'll admit I was jealous that she got to live with him alone. Back in Horizon, we always had to sneak around to actually kiss, we were watched so carefully. And then the next year I saw him only occasionally. The summer was really all we had to be a real couple- a couple that could kiss in public and see each other daily.

I left because it was my dream to go to Australia. I had always told myself that if I made it to high school graduation with enough money to do so, I'd award myself with a trip. I did want Scott to come with me, but obviously he couldn't just leave his studies. And I couldn't wait a few more years for university to be finished. I wanted to go then.

I'm still trying to decide if that was a mistake. The trip was wonderful. But Scott, try as he might to be the best he can for me, Scott is pushing me away. I'm not stupid, nor am I blind, and I can feel him drift. The boy who had come to me first, before anyone else, to confide about his painful secret, the boy who had chose me above every other person in his life to go to for comfort, the boy who trusted me to accept him without the mask… He's put his walls up again. He's put his walls up against _me_. And I can't understand it. He wanted me to help him, to hold him, to chase away his demons once upon a time. We were the pillars of support for each other. And now I've been replaced.

I know he needed to have someone to lean on, someone who could physically be there for him. But I'm here now. And it's not like I want him to freeze out Juliette, but I want him to stop acting like I'm out of the country. I'm back now, and yet he's not turning to me for help.

I want to shake him, to demand that things go back to the way they were. But I don't say it. I'm scared that if I push him too hard, he'll leave me. I know that if I try too hard to pry, he'll get scared and pull further away. I have to let him come to me in his own time. But what if he doesn't need me anymore? What if Juliette really is all he needs?

"Hey Shel." Scott smiled as he walked up next to me. He casually swung his arm around my shoulders and kissed my cheek. I looked at him and smiled back, wondering if I should try to prod him. "How was the test?"

I inwardly sigh. He never does bring up a topic that goes deeper than the surface these days. I fear that we may be turning into one of those shallow couples. "Okay."

"Told you it'd be fine."

"Scott." I'm sick of this. "Why are we like this?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. You're not talking to me anymore, not about anything important. Not since I got back."

"I talk to you."

"No you don't. You smile at me, and spout a bunch of words that sound nice but mean nothing. We both know that neither of us are sugar coated, that's one thing we share. What you are now, what you're showing me, it's all fake. And I don't know why you thought you had to bring your mask back up, but it's up. And I want to see the real Scott Barringer now." I touched his face but he pulled from my touch. His face hardened and I know that he still won't admit it.

"Do you have to go and pick a fight? You can't just let things be, can you? What, were things going too well for us? Maybe I've just been better. Maybe I haven't needed to talk about the dark stuff. I want to live. I'm tired of sulking in the past."

"If you didn't need to talk about it, you wouldn't have been clinging to Juliette."

"I wasn't clinging. Am I not allowed to have friends now? I chose to talk to her and not you. It's not the end of the world, considering you told me you had a huge test today and didn't want to be disturbed."

"Since when has that meant that you can't come to me? You know I wouldn't have minded if you needed me to be there for you."

"And I didn't. I didn't need you."

I visibly stiffened. "You don't need me now that you and Juliette are so close, right? It doesn't matter that we've been through so much, you've replaced me."

"You're being ridiculous. Of course I haven't."

"Then why won't you talk to me?"

"Because you left me! Just when I got close to you, you left me. And now after a year of my being used to Jule's help, you're trying to take it away from me and force me into confiding in you when I'm just not comfortable doing so."

"You're not comfortable confiding in me because I left for one year? What the hell happened to us? We were close once!"

"And we still are."

"No, everything's changed now."

"Shelby, I've never stopped missing you when you were gone, and I was completely relieved when you came back, but I just need to adjust."

"Why do you need to adjust to me? Am I just some nuisance thrown into your world, causing more trouble than I'm worth? Because that's what it feels like you're saying. Just tell me what was wrong yesterday. Trust me like you once did."

"It was Elaine, okay?"

"Was she-"

"What else?"

"It was just a dream, right?"

"No, she just broke into our apartment and into my room."

"You don't have to be so sarcastic. Scott, it was just a dream- it's been years. Nothing will happen to you anymore."

"Don't you think I know that? That's why I didn't tell you. It's stupid."

"I didn't say that-"

"I'm going to go back to the apartment."

"I just want things to be like they were. I feel like we're still as apart from each other as when I was in Australia. It's like I never came back. Even though I'm standing right beside you, it's like there's still an ocean between us."

"What is it that you want me to say?"

"That you'll let me back in."

"You're the only person I've ever let in, Shel. The only one. I'll always need you. Please, of all the things you could doubt about us, don't doubt that."

Empty words. But I knew better than to say so. I nodded silently as he brushed his lips against mine.

I need him. If Scott isn't with me, I don't know how I would cope. He was what got me through grade eleven. It was the knowledge that I'd be reunited with him that helped me push through grade twelve. And it was the sweetness of his love for me, however many miles away, that made my trip to Australia that much more glorious.

I tightly wrapped my arms around him and nestled my head under his chin. If I could make sure he never left me just by holding on, I would never let go.

Even if things have changed, even if our relationship has drifted, I still love him. I know that we're two different people now, a year has changed both of us. But I don't know myself without him. I've loved him for so long that I'm not even sure I'd recognize it if I one day stopped. Even if it weren't love that made me want to stay with him, the need for the familiar comfort he represents would be enough. He's a constant in my life, part of a routine. And now I'm scared that I'll start wanting to be with him simply because I'm scared of the change. I like familiarity. I wonder if Scott is becoming just another familiarity… if my feelings for him can dull.

I breathe in his scent and run my hands through his curls. My eyes shut and I tell myself that I can't stop loving him. I try to convince myself that things will turn out, that we are meant to be together. But doubts creep in and tell me that even small changes to both of us may be enough to shift our dynamic enough that we no longer fit together anymore.

"Shelby, I'm going back to the apartment, okay?"

"Okay. I've just got some things to do. I'll just see you later then."

"Are you all right?"

"Of course." I reassure him with a grin. I press my lips against his again. I just lied to him. And now I can't say that he's the only one hiding his emotions.

* * *

A/N: This would've been up on Friday but was being weird and wouldn't let me upload this until now. I've got most of chapter 6 written too, and it will up be shortly. Thanks for reviewing, as always. 


	6. Old Habits

**Juliette…Loneliness**

I couldn't believe it. Am I nothing now that Shelby is back? The two left the apartment grinning happily, barely acknowledging me. I accepted it when Scott completely excluded me by taking Shelby out for breakfast everyday, even though we had used to eat breakfast together. I understood that her coming back would mean I'd be given less of his time. But does less time really mean that he has to treat me like I barely exist? I have feelings too… But it's plain that his world revolves around Shelby now. I had blatantly stated that I was second best to Shelby and he hadn't corrected me. It goes to show just how attentive he was to my words. Or maybe he agreed with the statement.

So our initial romance wasn't exactly all consuming. Maybe it wasn't a relationship that evoked deep feelings, but since then I've gotten to know him a lot better than I had when we were dating. And I love him now, I feel for him more than I ever did before. Maybe a part of me had hoped that he would jump in and, I don't know, soothe that he cared about us equally. All right, so that would have defeated the purpose of reassuring Shelby that there was nothing going on between us, which was his main objective at that point. Wishful thinking on my part, I guess.

Sometimes I seriously wonder about my heart. It's fickle, it really is. When I first arrived at Horizon, the first guy I wanted to be with was Scott. And I keep saying that he chose Shelby, but the question I'm asking myself is, did I choose Auggie first?

Scott and I had a pleasant relationship. I always figured that near the end of it, my leaning towards Auggie had always just been an easy way for Scott to be with Shelby. I always thought that both of us were mutually drifting and had started developing feelings for other people. After all, I had started liking Auggie mainly because Scott really was treating me less like a human being and more like a convenient kisser. Auggie cared about my emotions. Maybe I've been lying to myself all these years. If I were to be honest to myself, more honest than I've ever been, I would have to admit that in actuality, I chose to leave Scott first. He was jealous of my friendship with Auggie, and when he challenged it, I got fed up and in a fit of exasperation I challenged him to end things if he didn't trust my feelings. I had spoken those words first… and looking back, he hadn't even shown interest in Shelby yet, not when we were together. He was loyal. I've been blinded. I lied to myself to comfort my guilt. I knew that in reality, I did feel closer to Auggie at that point. But I didn't want to believe that I would betray my boyfriend, so I logically thought up that both of us were wandering, when it was only I who looked elsewhere. The thing is, I didn't want him to agree with me when I suggested we break up. I was bluffing, as I often did. When I was backed into a corner, my tendency was to be an idiot…anything to get the upper hand. It was a painful mistake when I found that Scott reacted the same way, he took my bait, finalized the break up, and made me cry. One could say it was mutual, one could say I was feeling for Auggie anyways, but a break up, any break up, still stings. Even if I hadn't been very close to him at that point.

So where do my feelings about Scott choosing Shelby over me come in, if this is in fact how our relationship ended? Scott wasn't cheating on me, and to my knowledge, he hadn't even warmed up all that much to any other Horizon girl aside from me while we dated.

To know where I come from with my feelings of betrayal, I'd have to explain just what happened in the past two years.

Scott left the school after grade eleven. He and Shelby were a close couple, and Auggie and I had been quite devoted ourselves. For senior year, I wasn't conflicted with undying feelings of love for Scott. On the contrary; I was immersed with Auggie. Of course, Scott and I had formed a friendship before he left Horizon, and I missed him as friends do, but Auggie was amazing.

The problems started that summer. Auggie went with his parents to Columbia and Spain to celebrate his high school graduation. I spent the first week with Shelby and Scott, instantly got sick of their love sickness, and went away to visit some relatives who I got along with.

I came back; Shelby was displeased that Scott and I would be living together. She flew away across the world, and left us alone. Auggie at this time had still been away, and our correspondence was not as much as it should have been. So, Scott and I were living together with both our respective girl and boyfriends out of the country.

My stupid ever changing heart, which I'm not on good terms with at the moment, chose that moment to flop around and mess up my perfectly constructed world. As I lived with Scott, we inevitably got closer. We didn't know very many people in the first while, and spent a lot of time together. Our friendship was firm at that point, and our bond was slowly growing. Living in such close quarters with an ex who I'm not sure I got over completely stirred up my emotions. I found myself liking him more and more, though at the time I attributed it to a sisterly/brotherly relationship.

And then Auggie, who had decided to live in Spain, finally found out whom I was living with. I'm not saying that he freaked out and promptly threatened to kill Scott if he made a move. The two were almost brothers, and they weren't stupid enough to let a girl get in the way of the respect they held for each other. But Auggie didn't like me living with another guy, especially an ex, even if it was Scott we were talking about. He told me, gently, pleadingly, that he would be much more comfortable with me living somewhere else. But my rent was paid for the next six months, the apartment was perfect for me, and I had gotten rather attached to having Scott as a roommate. I was insulted that Auggie would be suspicious of me, and he finally backed off. He wasn't happy about it, though. I know that he still had doubts- and the strain of being away from him for the past few months added with this suspicion chinked a few holes in our relationship.

Being away from Auggie and close to Scott, I slowly grew to love it when Scott hugged me, when he laughed at something I said…I grew more protective towards him, and I was happier around him than anyone else.

Auggie came down for a visit and noticed our new closeness. He felt threatened, and was scared that he was losing me. Despite my protestations, he confessed that he felt like I was getting closer to Scott than I was to him. He said that he always worried that I still had feelings for the blonde, that deep down I would always choose the All American Jock instead of him. I couldn't hold back his fears, and my words failed to comfort him. He asked me to come back with him to Spain. I couldn't do it. He asked me again to move out; I didn't want to do it. I was angry that he wouldn't believe me when I said that Scott and I were just good friends. In a moment of rashness, I repeated my mistake from the past. I told him that I wasn't going to change my lifestyle just because my boyfriend was insecure. I told him that if he couldn't trust me, we shouldn't be together.

He was hurt very deeply from those words, even if I said them in a fit of anger and hadn't really meant them. Unlike Scott, he didn't end our relationship there and then.

"_Is that what you really want, Jules?" Auggie asked me quietly._

"_What I want is for us to stop fighting over this. I'm with you. Yeah, I'm living with Scott, but I feel comfortable with Scott. If I leave, I won't have a support system. I need someone to talk to every day, someone who knows about my problems. And you're not here."_

"_You're angry at me for moving, aren't you?"_

"_I'm not, I understand. But I'm not moving. I won't."_

"_I love you Juliette."_

"_Then trust me!"_

"_I would give you all that I have, but I need you to not live with Meat."_

"_I said I'm not moving."_

"_What if I said it was either me or living with Scott?"_

"_I'd say that you're being a complete jerk."_

"_You'd really choose Scott over me, then?"_

"_Auggie!"_

"_No, Jules. I love you, but I won't be second best. I won't be strung along. I always knew I cared about you more than you cared about me. You can't even do this one thing for me? I can't be worrying about what my girl is doing, okay? I was stupid to think the long distance thing would work, anyways. It can't work unless you're totally devoted, which it's obvious that you are not."_

"_What are you saying?"_

"_I'm saying I want you to be my girl, no one else's."_

"_I can't take this, Auggie. I don't want to deal with a long distance relationship, an over protective boyfriend who won't trust me, or you're immaturity. If you really can't just accept that nothing is going on, then just leave and find a girl who you can trust. Because I'm not going to lay down for you to walk all over me. Scott is my friend, and I won't leave him."_

"_I don't want to break up."_

"_I can't deal with this. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired!"_

"_That's it, then? Just like that, we're done?" He clenched his jaw and looked away from my eyes. "Fine, Twig. Have it your way."_

I haven't seen him since. Though it was me that essentially ended the relationship, I mourned the end of us. Scott comforted me, and held me, and healed me. But through this, I never actually let Scott know what happened to break us apart. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it was because of him that Auggie left. At the time, I told myself that it wasn't anything to do with Scott; it was Auggie's trust issues. I told Scott as much, leaving out what exactly Auggie didn't trust.

Auggie didn't tell Scott that he wanted me to move out. When I refused to leave, Auggie hadn't gone to Scott and demanded that I leave, he hadn't told Scott about his doubts. Auggie believed that Scott was wholly in love with Shelby, and hadn't actually been angry with him. His hurt resided in me and my refusal to leave behind the life I had built the past three months at my university. He also believed that what happened between a couple should stay between the couple. It was our business, and he decided to leave Scott out of it.

Scott and I only got closer. My source of comfort and peace grew into more. I don't know when I realized it, but one day I saw that Auggie had been right. I did have feelings for Scott.

Which brings us back to the fact that Shelby and Scott were still together, and the fact that she came back and is now living with us.

I feel that Scott chose Shelby because he and I became extremely close, to the point where we knew each other well enough that people just assumed we were going steady. And yet despite all my efforts in subtly showing him that I wanted to be more than friends, despite our very close bond, he still only saw Shelby. He saw me, but I knew that the feelings of friendship were all that he could feel. In his single-minded dedication to his real girlfriend, he didn't even see that I wanted him too. And now, when he knew both Shelby and me equally well, when we both held tight relationships with him, he still chose Shelby. We lived together, but nothing ever happened.

And then maybe this is why I arrived at the conclusion that I hadn't chosen Auggie first at all. I began convincing myself that he had picked Shelby over me when we were first dating. I was filled with spite for the other girl. But I see how foolish that was. Scott always had too much chivalry to really do that, like I said, he was loyal.

When Shelby came back, I wanted to hate her. But we were on even ground when she left, and I saw that she had lightened up even more. I couldn't hate her. And I saw that I couldn't steal him either, despite what I wanted. Shelby was a good person, and she had helped me quite a bit in the past. I couldn't just stab her in the back.

I ignored the sound of the door opening. It would probably be the lovebirds, and I'd probably be ignored again. I had just come back from classes twenty minutes ago and was lying on my back on my bed, staring into space. I never much liked television and I wasn't in a social mood, which meant that I was being quite the pathetic loner, all alone and doing nothing at the start of the weekend.

"Juliette, are you home?" Scott's voice called out. I realized he was by himself. I didn't want him to see how pathetic I was being and so I hastily sat up and randomly grabbed a magazine, flipping it open just in time for the blonde to walk through my door. "Hey."

"I'm busy." It was an immature response, but if he was going to completely treat me like I didn't exist, I wasn't going to just smile as he did it.

"…Reading last month's YM?" Scott raised his eyebrows as he cocked his head to see the front of the magazine.

"Yes." I couldn't think of a better response. I looked away from him and back at my magazine.

"What could you possibly be mad about?" Scott exhaled loudly. I looked up at him and noticed that his arms were crossed and he was leaning against my wall.

I barely hid a glare, as I answered flippantly, "I'm not mad." He gave me a pointed look, which I ignored, and glanced back at the YM. A minute passed and I heard Scott grumble.

I blinked innocently, "Oh, you don't like it when I treat you like your invisible, do you? I thought you did, considering you've been doing that to me an awful lot lately."

"What are you going on about? I haven't been ignoring you. Shelby thinks I've been ignoring her, and it's not possible for me to be ignoring both of you when you two are my only roommates." He sighed.

"So you're saying I'm imagining things, are you? I'm wrong and Shelby is right. That's so typical."

"What?" He seemed truly confused.

I wanted to start yelling at him, but I held it in. "You've been blowing me off for Shelby, that's all."

"She's my girlfriend who has just come back after being gone for a year. What did you expect?" he pointed out snappishly.

"So what was I during that year, a fill-in?" I said.

"I'm not going to have another fight today." Scott shook his head and angrily left my room. I sent daggers to his back and stubbornly looked back at my magazine. After I stared hard at the page for a second, I realized that I had read that particular magazine a half dozen times already. And I also felt a little ebb of guilt in the pit of my stomach for being short with Scott. He had come into my room to talk and I had blown him off. But then, wasn't he doing that to me?

I was being stupid. But he had already decided that Shelby was the main girl in his life. He was only going to drift away from me now that she was back.

That being what I truly believed, I also knew that I cared about the stupid blonde too much to go for long without apologizing. I really sucked at the silent treatment. He didn't even know what I was angry about anyways; I was being a little unreasonable.

And then his last sentence sunk into my mind. I frowned and got off my bed and sat down next to Scott on our couch.

"What was your first fight?" I asked.

He glanced up at me unsmiling. "Never mind." I kept looking at him patiently, and finally he answered shortly, "Shelby." I bit back an 'of course…' but he seemed to know that I was thinking it. He let out a rueful laugh, "You were just pissed because you say that I'm paying more attention to Shelby than to you and Shel's been on my case for being close to you. How does that even make sense?" I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged.

"I can't be everything to both of you at all times." Scott leaned back on the couch.

"I'm not trying to pull you apart, and neither is Shelby." I said. "This is your fault, you know. You've been such a good guy to be with that you've made both of us rely on you. And both of us got used to having you to ourselves… So I guess now it's just hard to share you."

"I'm not an object to be shared." He answered. "This is so hard. I want to make her happy. It's all I've wanted since I've been with her. I'd do anything for her. I just need a way to show her that."

I'm sitting right here. Really, Scott, thank you so much for caring about me. I was worried about you when Shelby left and one reason I lost Auggie is because I didn't know if you could survive a year without a Cliffhanger to talk to. But really, it's not as if you would notice that. "I'm sure Shelby knows that."

"Yeah." He murmured. "Things will turn out. They've got to." He seemed to be lost in his thoughts and in a moment he stood up and left me alone on the couch. I watched him leave in silence, secretly thinking that Scott seemed to be more muddled than ever since the happiest part of his life came back.

Later that night, Scott and Shelby went out for dinner, and I noticed that he forgot to tell me to eat. He doesn't watch me all the time, obviously, but lately he was getting a bit more wary about my eating and it's uncommon for him to go out without a lecture.

I dismissed the thought and tried to think of something to do with my time. However I looked at it, I just didn't feel like leaving the apartment. I was feeling like a hermit, though, and so I settled for taking the short walk down to the mail area. Neither of my blonde roommates seemed to remember to check the mail very frequently, though I must admit that I usually forgot to as well.

There was, not surprisingly, a fair number of letters in the small box when I opened it. I thought back to the last time I could remember any of us emptying the slot, and realized guiltily that it had been at least a week, if not more. I hoped none of these were too urgent.

After I reached the apartment again, I sifted through the envelopes as I hovered over a box divided into two sections. It acted as our mail sorting system, even though we didn't check the actual mailbox very often, I still believed in organization. I wasn't really paying much attention as I slid the proper letters into the proper slots, and it wasn't until I was left holding only my own mail that I actually read over the addresses of the people who had written to me.

With a feeling of sick dread, I recognized the handwriting of my mother. I had been in very infrequent contact with her, and never liked what she would have to say to me in any of her letters. Better this than a phone call, I supposed.

I read over the letter quickly and rolled my eyes. It was typical. She was actually warning me about the after affects of the 'freshman fifteen'. Blagh, blagh, blagh…don't mess up… blagh, blagh, blagh, don't forget to keep exercising during your studies…. Have you been looking up anything on college modelling? It was pointless, from what I could tell.

And then her closing remarks got my attention. '_Well. There's one more thing. Not that I think you'll care that much, since you choose to converse with me as little as you can possibly get away with, but I won't be remaining in America much longer. You'll be pleased to see that I've decided to move toCanada with your stepfather. We'll be leaving in two days. Well, by the time you get this, we'll probably be gone. Just because I'm out of the country doesn't mean you should let yourself go, however. Keep healthy. And Juliette, this is regrettable, but we'll be too busy settling in to have you over for Thanksgiving this year. Do remember yourself. Holidays are no excuse to binge. I'm sure you'll find alternate plans. I'd like to remind you that I would like for you to find your own apartment eventually. We have the money; honestly- it is not prudent to live with a male you are not in a serious, committed relationship with. Even if you do say that you are 'just friends'. Take care this friend does not take advantage of you. Until next time, your mother.'_

I gasped in surprise and found my way to my bed, where I slumped down immediately. They had moved… without even telling me that they were considering it. I didn't get along with them, but how could they? How could she say that we wouldn't see each other at Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is a family holiday! What she was doing was excluding me from the family.

I stared at the words again until it sunk in that they were real. This wasn't some mind game of my mother's. This was real…she wasn't even in the country. She couldn't even have said good-bye properly. I felt angry, but also deeply sad. I was offended, and though I didn't like contact with her, I still missed her. Suddenly, wetness pricked my eyes and I realized that I was crying. She didn't deserve my tears! I tried to stop, but all I felt was hollow.

Before I could think about it, I found myself eating a rather large portion of the left over mashed potatoes we had in the fridge. After the potatoes came the ice cream, then the buttered bread, and then the cake.

And then I found myself slumped over the toilet, ready to revert to something I had thought I had overcome, feeling vile all over. One of my hands gripped the sides of the toilet bowl and the other held back my long hair. I had been close to this a few times before, and now I remembered why I had been so pained each and every time. But before I could stick my fingers down my throat just yet, a voice in my head stopped me. I recognized it quickly as that of Scott's. Suddenly, I recalled my support system, and why I had not done this in such a long time. I let my hands drop to my sides and only one thought remained in my mind: I needed to hear Scott's reassurance.

I grabbed the phone in my room and got through to voice mail. I hung up without leaving a message and resisted the urge to throw the phone against the wall. He almost always had his cell on, what was he doing?

No. I had more control than this. I wouldn't let myself turn into some weak puppet controlled by a woman who had altogether too much reign in my life. I shut my eyes and tried to block out the overwhelming loneliness that washed over me. I still had friends… I did…

With those forced thoughts of reassurance, I nodded off to sleep. When I woke up, I was still slumped against my wall. I soon realized that it was the noise of the front door opening and the voices of two people that had woken up me. I didn't want to run to Scott the moment he came home, like some sort of child, and I also didn't want to show Shelby just how dependant on him I had become. So I remained in my position, and just sat there in my dark room. I zoned out for a bit and my mind wandered back to the pressures I had felt years ago… When I finally glanced at the clock, the hour was nearing one.

The letter was still lying innocently beside me. She couldn't still make me feel like this… Back when I had first started to descend into my hole of sadness and insecurity, I had no one whom I could talk to. I had thought that I really was worthless, and it hurt so much that I couldn't ask any of my friends to prove that wrong. And I couldn't confess my insecurities to any of those friends, because admitting I was weak enough to have to cut myself was just too embarrassing. I didn't think they would understand.

But things were different not…I blinked back tears and softly whispered, "Scott?" Upon hearing the silence, I spoke louder, "Scott?" A beat passed and then I lightly rapped on the wall.

"Go to sleep," Scott's very muffled reply finally reached my ears.

"Did I wake you?"

"Yeah. I had a really long day, okay?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Shel doesn't want us having these night talks anymore."

"Oh." I bowed my head. Surely he wouldn't turn his back on me just because Shelby told him to? I gripped the letter tighter and could hear the words of my mother creeping back to me. I took a deep breath and tried again, "…Please, Scott?"

But there was no reply, and I knew that he had fallen back to sleep.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling this time around, and I shook with sobs. My mother left the country and now the only other family I knew was turning away from me. I pulled my knees against my chest and wrapped my arms around myself. If even Scott left me, who else did I have? My support system was gone. This was the last betrayal. I had always known that no matter what happened to me, I would always have Scott. This past year I had grown to understand that he would always be there for me, that even if he was mad at me for some reason, he would always listen to me, comfort me, be with me when I needed him to be. I needed him as much as I needed air at times like these.

What was so wrong with me that made everyone I loved walk away from me with so much ease? I needed him to listen, why wasn't he here? I needed her to tell me that I am good enough, just once, why did she have to leave? Of everything I thought I had, why was I sitting in a dark room, crying my eyes out, all by myself?

My fingers found my nail file and I shut my eyes tightly as I delicately drew a pattern against my smooth skin. Please, someone, stop me. Please, someone, care. But no one did, and my eyes ached from crying, my arms numbly stung, and I thought at that moment that there really was nothing different from before. I had no one.

I leaned my head against the wall and my tears ran out. The feeling of my own blood trickling slowly down my skin comforted me in its familiarity and I mechanically laid a cloth under my arm to stop my carpet from being stained. As the cruel red spots splattered one by one on the cloth, my heart felt like it was the thing that was bleeding.

* * *

**_A/N:_** This chapter was slightly longer than the other ones, I went off into a bit of a Juliette tangent, I hope you enjoyed that. Yep, I finally delved a bit deeper into what happened to Auggie, I couldn't just kill him off or brush him off completely, I love him too much : p I had forgotten to reply to Juliette Fan's comment on writing out my HG dreams. It's flattering that you like my story so much that you would want me to do others, but I'm sure I'll be able to work in some of the events from my dreams into this fic, hehe. Thank you all for your feed back, it makes my day. And to those who may be silent readers, thanks for reading, but could you please click on the little blue review button? Until next week, everyone :)

**Edit:** Thanks to those who pointed out my geography mistake, I fixed it. When I first put this up I had been wondering where it took place, thanks for clearing it up


	7. Think Fast

**Scott **

I slept like a complete log last night. Having an actual fight with Shelby for the first time since she came back shook me up and left me feeling tired. Even though we technically 'made up', both of us knew that we hadn't actually solved the problem we were fighting about.

I'm telling myself that I'm being an idiot. There isn't any one else in the world that I trust more than Shelby, except for possibly Peter. So why am I pulling away from her again? It had felt so good, so freeing, to let down my guard the first time, and now I'm reversing things and making everything harder for myself. Maybe it's some sort of defence mechanism of mine, but it's not exactly protecting me.

It pains me to know that my actions are hurting her. I'm going to have to force my mask off. I don't want to push her away. I know she had to go away for herself, I know deep down that it was something personal, something just for her, that had to be done. I know I was being selfish in wanting to have her all to myself always, and I was being pompous in instantly thinking that it had anything at all to do with me. But sometimes I forget that we are two different people, and that I don't know everything that's going on with her. I thought I did, and I wish I did, which is why it staggered me to find out just where Shelby was going off to such a short time before she was to leave.

Sometimes it feels like we share one soul. I had kept her at arm's length when I first met her, but quickly after I broke up with Juliette, I had poured out my darkest secrets to Shelby, when I still barely knew her. If that's not a testament to how much of a connection we have, I don't know what is. I didn't even have what you would call a friendship with her, and yet it was surprisingly easy to let her in where I had kept every other person out. She got me. And somehow I just knew that she wouldn't judge me. That night changed my life. She was the first person to know, and the one person who had told me unwaveringly what I needed to hear: that it wasn't my fault in the least.

Our history is too powerful to dim now. She's done too much for me; she's been too much of a Godsend. It wouldn't be right of me to leave her after all we have. It wouldn't be right of me to distance myself, not when she hasn't done anything to evoke my barriers coming up. I've got to open up again.

"Hey." Shelby grinned at me as I entered the kitchen. I looked at her curiously. She was standing at the stove- and actually using it.

"Are you actually cooking?" I asked in amusement. "I thought you didn't like domestic, stereotypical, gender-specific actions. At least that's the impression I got when we both wanted to eat in and you demanded in your oh-so pleasant way that I do the cooking."

"I felt like it." She shrugged. "Besides, I can't have you blowing twenty bucks on me every morning for as long as we go to college."

"I wouldn't mind." I pointed out, shifting her blonde hair out of the way to kiss her neck warmly.

She squirmed slightly at the touch but only because she was trying not to drop the frying pan. Turning off the stove, she put the pan down and grabbed some plates. "Keep protesting and I might start to think that you're afraid to eat my cooking."

"I'm sure you're a culinary genius." I shook my head with a smirk. I helped her put the plates on the island and continued, "I'm just saying, if you're doing this because you feel bad for me treating you all the time for breakfast, I'm happy to do it, and you don't have to do anything to pay me back. Because seriously Shelb, I just love spending time with you."

"I'm not that chivalrous," Shelby chuckled, "What if I really just felt like making breakfast?"

"Thanks, on any account." I gave her a half hug and affectionately kissed her nose before settling on a high chair. A few bites in, I felt it was necessary to fully even out the bumps that our fight from yesterday had caused. "Shel?"

"Yeah?" she looked up from her eggs, took in my fork half way between my plate and mouth, and dryly said, "If you're going to say it tastes funny, I can tell you now it's just your imagination, you nit picker."

"The breakfast is great." I rolled my eyes. "Listen, about yesterday…"

She almost imperceptivity tensed. "I don't want to fight first thing in the morning, Scott."

"I know, and I don't either. Which is why I'm going to get this out of the way. You were right. I am pushing you away. Not intentionally…but I can feel it too. And I'm sorry. I don't put it against you for leaving, and I will always trust you. I guess I'm still working through some issues, but I want you here with me to work through them." I wrapped my hand over hers and leaned closer to her. "I don't think I tell you this enough, but I do appreciate everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be here today without you. And I need you about as much as I need to eat. Thank you for sticking with me." Taking her somewhat touched expression as a good sign; I closed the distance between us and pressed my full lips against her partly open ones.

"You obviously aren't fully awake yet, or your ego would have stepped in and prevented you from actually apologizing sweetly." She commented, though her hand was imbedded endearingly in my hair, and I knew my words had hit home.

"Aw, I'm not that bad, am I?"

"Sometimes."

"I'm no worse than you are."

"True." She admitted with a grin. "That's great. We're both stubborn, proud, and biting. Some power couple we are."

"Opposites attract isn't all it's cracked up to be." I smiled back.

"Someone slept late this morning." Shelby said as way of greeting to Juliette over my shoulder. I broke my gaze with Shelby to say hi to her as well, and noticed that she looked slightly more tired than usual.

"Have some breakfast. Shelby made it." I offered. "It's pretty good."

I could have sworn that I received a somewhat hostile look from the brunette as she glanced at me, but she looked away so quickly that I brushed it off as morning crabbiness, though that normally didn't hit the optimistic ray of sunshine she seemed to be.

"No thanks." Juliette murmured, before darting into the shelter of the washroom.

I watched her absently, and briefly thought about the fact that she hadn't been smiling. On a normal person, this wouldn't have surprised me; she had just woken up after all. But Juliette was a freakishly perky morning person. Apparently she had used to get up at 6 AM every weekday. Her daily morning routine included a half hour job, a forty-five minute shower (and that's if she was pressed on time), and then almost an hour of whatever else she had to do to get ready in the morning. It was a seriously shocking habit, really. Shelby liked to sleep in, like me. Well, not as much as me, but she gets up at a time I would call decent.

"Last night was probably the most awkward date I've ever been to. Possibly one of the most awkward evenings ever." Shelby said, calling my attention back to her.

I laughed, "Yeah. It was pretty bad."

"You actually started talking about the weather."

"Better than your oh-so interesting story about how you couldn't find your eraser for that test."

"You brought up Daisy."

"You mumbled about the tablecloth."

"We're turning into one of those boring couples, I fear."

"God no. Let's promise never to do a date like that again. If things are really that awkward, we should just not be together that night. I mean, being apart has got to be better than beating around the bush for an hour."

"Hey. I don't beat around the bush. You pretty much attacked me every time I tried to be straight up."

"Sorry about that."

"I'm sure you are."

"As if you're not completely taken in by my tortured soul vibe."

"Try brooding soul, you egomaniac."

"Love you too, Shelby."

She gave me a sugary smile and looked back at her plate. I watched her as she played around with the food, and found myself wondering if it was really possible for us to last. I was scared that we wouldn't, determined to do all I could to prevent it, but what if we had simply outgrown each other? Was it possible to out grow a relationship as complex as ours?

"You don't resent me for going away, do you?" Shelby broke the silence but didn't look up at me.

"Of course not."

"But things aren't the same for us, are they? And I don't want some fake reassurance. I want to know what you honestly feel."

I paused for a moment before sighing, "No. No, they're not." I met her eyes and saw the sadness there. I grabbed her hand, but I don't think it offered much comfort. I don't think I could offer much comfort, considering I wanted to say that I didn't think things would ever be the same again for us. Her hand felt almost frail in mine, and I felt her spirits droop. Feeling a twinge of guilt, I told her, "But that's to be expected. Things are going to be better than they ever have been before. We're living together, things are bound to change. But change can be good." With the smile appearing on Shelby's face, I continued with, "And I know that I'm not going to let us slip away."

"Oh God, you're my high school sweetheart."

"Is that so bad?"

"Just such a cliché."

"You always knew we'd turn out to be a cheesy couple."

"Actually, I thought I'd spend the rest of my teenage years trying to seduce you. You've got to be the most hard-to-get guy I've ever gone after."

"I'd like to say the same for you, but I think since meeting you, my ego's gone up quite a bit."

"Oh shut it."

"Face it. You've turned into a cheesy girlfriend in our cheesy relationship."

Shelby blinked at me. "I'm not cheesy, I'm not melodramatic, typical, clichéd, or any thing of the sort." I nodded condescendingly at her and she threw me a look. "Speaking of melodramatic, Juliette's been in the washroom for a long time."

"What else is new? She spends half her time in there."

"True."

"So, what are you doing today?"

"I think I've got a few errands to run. College life? Not as fun as I thought it'd be, with the exception of a live in boy toy, of course."

Juliette finally walked out of the washroom, giving the both of us a look as she walked by. "I don't want to hear about your references to Scott the live-in boy toy, if you would just stop broadcasting your private stuff in the open I'd be a lot happier."

Her tone was harsh. Juliette's tone was rarely harsh.

"What is with you?" Shelby noticed the attitude and frowned.

"Yeah, are you all right?" I asked, setting my gaze on her.

"I'm fine." She answered shortly. Without pausing, she swiftly walked past the two of us and into her room. She didn't exactly slam her door, but she did close it a bit harder than was necessary.

"What's up her ass?" Shelby commented. I shrugged and finished up my breakfast. I know I should have been more concerned about Juliette, but my mind was still a little sleepy and my attention span was limited to that of Shelby at the moment. "Oh damn. I have to pick up the notes I missed from last Wednesday. Really, I've barely started college and you've already convinced me to play hooky. Such a bad influence."

I grinned. "You hate that class, anyways."

"With that reasoning you're going to have me failing soon."

"You're too smart for that, Shel."

"I've got an assignment on those notes I missed."

"When's it due?"

"Friday."

"Then you've got nearly a week. Get the notes on Monday."

"You really are a bad influence, Scott."

"It's the weekend. Live a little."

"I think I've lived enough on the edge. A little bit of boring in small doses will probably be good for me."

"Are you actually serious?"

"Partly." She shrugged, and stood up to put the dishes away.

"Let's do something."

"Like?"

"We could go to six flags…"

"That's, like, two hours away."

"So?"

She gave me an incredulous look, so I made a more reasonable suggestion, "Fine, how about a movie, then?"

"Okay. But you're doing the dishes, and I choose the movie."

"Deal."

Grinning, Shelby handed me the dish sponge and disappeared in her room. I looked at the sink and it fully dawned on me how much of a messy cook Shelby was. There were three pans, one of which I could already tell would need serious scrubbing. Not to mention the fact that she had left out the partially empty egg carton, half a slab of ham, and a milk carton. Then there were the spills: oil splotches, specks of margarine, egg yolk, egg shell… I couldn't help but laugh. The breakfast was good, she could cook if she wanted to, but she never could be bothered to do the clean up. She had blamed Horizon for that, claiming that extensive kitchen duty had made her hate rubber gloves and had made her clean more than anyone should have to do in a lifetime. Laziness, in other words.

Twenty minutes later, I glared at the sponge as I put it back down. I really had to get around to installing a dishwasher. My hands smelled heavily of rubber now. I looked around quickly to make sure Shelby was still in her room before reaching for the moisturizer for my hands. I was being self-conscious and macho, but hey, I detested dry skin. And Shelby would probably tease me about my use of skin care products. After I put the moisturizer back, I turned around and almost fell back at the sight of Juliette standing a few feet away from me. From what I could tell, she was staring at me.

"Uh, how long have you been standing there?"

"A while." She shrugged.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I don't know. Your washing the dishes just reminded me of Horizon."

"Minus the apron, thank God."

"Yeah," she smiled. Her smile quickly faded and she self-consciously fiddled with her sleeves.

"You were pretty crabby this morning."

She looked up and took a step closer to me, "Scott…"

"Yeah?"

"There's something-"

"Ready to go?" Shelby interrupted, leaving her room at last. "Oh, you've crawled out of your hiding place." Juliette sucked in a breath. Shelby didn't notice, and offered, "Juliette. We're going to the movies, wanna come?"

"I'm good." Jules shook her head and took a step back. "But you two have fun."

"You sure?" Shelby asked.

"Mmmhmm." Juliette nodded almost brightly.

"Were you going to say something to me?" I asked her, mildly curious.

She visibly hesitated. "It's nothing."

"Right, so what movie are we seeing?" Shelby broke the awkwardness. I looked at the blonde and back at the brunette, and it was obvious that I had just been presented with a choice. Shelby was silently imploring me to choose: her or Juliette.

"Anything you want, I trust your judgement." I said at last, giving Shelby my full attention. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Juliette move further back.

"Good. Then I say we catch a horror flick."

"Have fun." Jules murmured and went back to her room.

"It's barely the afternoon, not exactly a scary time of day."

"You're questioning an opportunity to be in a situation where I cling onto you?" Shelby smirked.

"Point taken." I smiled and took her hand, leading her out of the apartment. I smiled at my girlfriend as we continued to banter lightly, though my mind felt vaguely uneasy. I told myself that I tried to see if there was anything wrong with Jules, and she told me nothing was. I ignored the voice in my mind that reprimanded me about how I knew very well that her 'nothing' was a load of crap. I hung on to that 'nothing' to ease my guilt, and soon I was absorbed in Shelby again.

As I nestled against Shelby's neck in the theatre, I couldn't help but think that I made the right choice. Shel was right. I had been leaning on Jules because Shelby was away, and now that she was back, I was leaning against Jules far too heavily. It was time to let my girlfriend help me again, help me like only she could. I only needed one major crutch, and Shelby was mine, and I hers.

* * *

**A/N:** Wow, I got a new burst of new reviewers. Hi, and thanks! I'm going to be going on a bit of a tangent, so feel free to skip this.

Want to hear my dilemma ? When I first started this story, I had seen the last part of HG and therefore saw the middle and ending of the S/S ship on the show, and had only heard of J/S: this lack of actually seeing J/S made me want to write about it, since the idea intrigued me and I didn't know what it actually looked like. With each passing chapter, I saw new episodes, and then I saw the middle of the J/S ship and wanted to do it even more. Now, I've finally seen the ending of J/S, and the seeds of S/S and it's just so sweet, not to mention the start of J/A. And so I have the urge to do S/S. Except, I still really want to do J/S because I've looked through the HG section and 97 of the stories here are S/S. I found **one** J/S. This lack of J/S really surprised me and made me really feel bad for anyone who did favour J/S over S/S, however small a minority that may be. And it bothered me that there was so little diversity. So now, I do like J/S, and I also want to do it because it's different. Yet I still like S/S. In short, I'm still deciding where it'll go, and when I do decide I'm not going to spoil it all for you by telling you flat out, but obviously you'll see when this is all over. But hey, once I'm done this story, Imay make another HG fic based on the pairing I chose against. So, it's win-win.

Also, I'm sorry about the Chapter 7 mix-up, I had meant to replace Chapter 6 due to the location mistake, but accidentally clicked on add new chapter instead of replace a chapter. Thank you all again for reading, and again, feel free to tell me your opinions.


	8. Mixed Concern

**Shelby**

I didn't even bother trying to hide the slightly smug and completely satisfied smile that spread over my features as I "fearfully" clutched onto Scott's arm that afternoon during the horror flick we watched. I'm not a lightweight, and both of us knew I was exaggerating, or even fabricating the whole fear thing completely. But with his arm snugly around my shoulders and my face buried in his shirt, I won't say that I was ashamed of my blatant actions. Sometimes I sincerely wished that we were just a normal couple. I wish that we didn't have such deep problems, that we could just be like anyone else. And I know that isn't possible, but things would be simpler without our baggage. Then again, without our baggage, would Scott even had looked twice at me?

I had my afternoon with him, and for a while we did act like any other couple. There were no arguments, and things were kept light and carefree. I missed that. But even though Scott is intoxicating, I peeled myself away from him long enough to pick up those notes I needed for class. Let me state now that it is almost impossible to comprehend five pages of notes about the history of the Founding Fathers when you have a ridiculously hot blonde covering your neck with kisses.

He's adorable when he wants to be, but I managed to convince him to take us back to our apartment (he was in favour of driving to Six Flags, despite my previous explanation that the amusement park is too far away for a day trip).

Back at the apartment, I decided to hell with the notes and yanked Scott over to me and gave in to my suppressed thoughts. I was just about to lose myself completely in the intensity of his tongue when he slowly pulled away.

"You spent all morning trying to get me to give up on being productive and when I finally give in, you pull away?" I grumbled in frustration.

"I have to pee." He quietly deadpanned.

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Your body has horrible timing."

"I'm not exactly in control of that. And unless you are one of those freaks who like the whole golden shower thing, I'll be right back."

I wrinkled my nose and ushered him up. "All right, all right."

"Sorry." He half smiled at me, embarrassed. I shook my head at him.

Of course, in the five minutes he was gone, I picked up my notes (which I had thrown around the living room, whoops). And in those five minutes I realized that I really should work on the assignment. Which meant that when Scott came out and walked back to me, he had to sigh with defeat. I was cross-legged on the couch, absorbed in what I was reading.

"You're doing this to punish me."

"Partly." I smirked. "It's so much more fun being at this side of the game. Now you know how I felt."

"You're no fun."

"I'm so much more fun than you know yet."

"Is that a promise for future demonstration?"

"Later. College. Homework." I shook my head lightly. With a grin, I added, "We'll have fun later."

"Okay." He sunk into an armchair by the couch and fiddled with the remote for the television, which he wisely didn't turn on. After a minute of alternately gazing from the stereo, to the TV, to the fridge, I rolled my eyes and felt the need to guide his short attention span.

"Don't you have any homework to work on?"

"Nah. I can do it tomorrow."

"Aren't you working tomorrow?"

"I can do the homework after work."

"You're such a procrastinator."

"You're one to talk, Shel."

"I've reformed. At least for this year. I'm going to get a good start this year, I won't risk messing it up."

"I thought you didn't care about school."

"I don't. I care about shelling out thousands of bucks to go here and I care about having to double that amount if I have to retake the course because I didn't pass." I shrugged.

"Shelby, the dedicated scholar."

"That's feasible, you know."

"It's kind of hot." He shifted positions so that he was again beside me on the couch. I knew that look in his eyes. In about three seconds I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else. Damn him.

"You think anything and everything is hot."

"I do not."

"We spent the afternoon together, now I seriously have to do my homework. Unless you want to be held responsible for having me up at three AM frantically working on this the night before it's due. And if that happens, it'll be your ass that's refilling my coffee and keeping a very pissy me awake. Just so you know."

Scott grinned and kissed me anyway. Summoning up my will power, I pushed him back. "I don't think you've seen how moody I can be at three AM."

He relented and moved a few inches away from me and leant his head against the couch, giving me a sideways look that I chose to pretend I didn't see. The downfall to living with Scott Barringer: I never stopped wanting to be with him. As in every other minute I wanted to screw like rabbits. Not that I'd ever suggest this to Scott. Seeing as though I technically was an actual whore in the true sense of the word, I don't want him to see me in that light again. But it's probably true, very true, that I would not say no if he initiated.

"I need to pick up some stuff at the store." Juliette announced. I blinked in surprise. I hadn't even realized she was home, since she was just now walking out of her room. I wondered what she could have been doing in there; there wasn't exactly much to do in her room except for sleep. And Juliette wasn't one to sleep in the middle of the day.

"I don't need anything, if that's what you're asking." I told her.

"Um. That's good. But my car, its kind of getting tuned. Or something. The mechanic wanted to fix something, at least." Juliette mumbled.

Scott and I looked at her, uncomprehending.

"Scott…can you give me a ride?"

Ohhh. Wow. That took too much time for me to understand. Scott looked at me, as if looking for guidance. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. He didn't need my permission to do _everything._ Okay, I still sort of appreciated the gesture.

"You should go. I'm going to be holed up here for a while, and besides, you spent most of the day with me already. I bet Queenie's feeling lonely." I wasn't serious, but Juliette stiffened.

I wasn't as possessive as to want Scott to stop all contact with all females, since he had made it clear that I was most important to him, I had no problem with him hanging out with Juliette. I did understand that she was a good friend. If Horizon was a second family to us, the Cliff-hangers were probably closer to each of us than several of our real blood relatives. And I knew that even I myself had a bond with Juliette that I had with few others. All of us shared a part of our lives that represented us in our darkest and weakest, and none of us were rejected for it. I appreciated all of them for helping me become who I am today, and I include Juliette in that. To be honest, Juliette probably helped me most (excluding Scott, Peter, and Daisy).

"Okay. Sure." Scott nodded and got up, slipped on his jacket, and tossed Juliette her hoodie. "See you later, Shelb."

I smiled and returned back to the torturous homework.

I was thinking about Scott again, and I realized something that I may have always known but never really thought about. He was the most serious of boyfriends I've ever had. In fact, he was really only the second boyfriend I'd ever had. I had one a month or so before Walt decided to be a disgusting creep and ruin my life, but that was it in terms of the word boyfriend meaning exclusive. I had gone out with numerous guys, and it's probably well established that I've slept with even more, but as for having a true connection with real feelings, that type of relationship is almost foreign to me. Funny, that I, Shelby Merrick, can actually honestly say I'm inexperienced.

I thought I'd have the apartment to myself for the rest of the afternoon but my roommates surprised me by returning after being away for less than an hour.

"You guys came back quickly." I commented.

"We were just going to the store." Scott shrugged, placing a bag he was holding onto the kitchen counter.

"I just assumed you'd be doing something else after that. Grab a bite, hang out."

"Why would we do that?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, why would we?" Juliette repeated, clutching her own bag and stalking off into her room in a walk that would most definitely be described as upset.

"What happened?" I looked at Scott expectantly.

"Nothing." His tone was short and after grabbing one of the items from the bag, he too stalked to his room and shut the door.

"Or you can both be as non-descriptive as possible." I muttered to myself. I looked at both the closed doors with curiosity. I knew that I had been a bit cool with Juliette in the past few days, and I hadn't really been paying attention to her moods. But she was obviously upset about something and my conscience wouldn't let me ignore it.

I sighed and knocked on Juliette's door.

"Go away Scott."

"It's Shelby."

"Oh."

"Can I come in so we don't have to talk through wood?"

"No."

"Come on."

"I don't want you to!"

"Seriously. Stop being a brat."

"Leave me alone!"

"What's wrong, Queenie?"

"I said LEAVE ME ALONE!"

My patience was spent and I opened her door anyways. She was curled on a rocking chair that had belonged to her grandmother on her (biological) father's side. I had to hear her rant about that thing for twenty minutes when I first moved in. Juliette looked like she had just started crying. Upon seeing me, she ducked her head to hide her face, hoping I hadn't seen her tear-streaked face.

"Why even bother to knock if you're going to do what you want anyways?" She snapped.

"I like to pretend that I have common courtesy." I walked further into her room and sat on her bed beside the chair. "Juliette, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Stop lying, will you?"

"It's not as if any of you CARE." She said loudly, obviously meaning for Scott to hear through the wall. Not that she needed to, the walls were freakishly thin.

"Get off your high horse, Juliette." Scott responded grouchily.

"Ignore him." I told her and leaned closer to her. "You're upset. Why? Come on, Juliette. What happened?"

She raised her head up again and I was surprised to see that all traces of tears were gone. In the few seconds she ducked down she had managed to regain all composure.

With a shake of her head and something that could pass for a genuine smile if I hadn't just seen her pitch a fit, she told me, "It's nothing, Shelby."

"I realize we don't do Group anymore, and you're not forced to talk about your feelings, but that's how Horizon helped us. If you've learned anything from Horizon, it's that you can't lie to yourself."

"I'm not."

"You can't shut yourself off from people."

"Why do you care?"

"Please. We're friends, aren't we?"

"No we're not, we never have been. And we never will be." Juliette coldly stated. Her tone returned to a casual note and she muttered, "I'm going out."

"You mean you're running away."

"Shut up! How can you stand here and even try to pretend that you care? That you know anything? Go attach yourself to your boyfriend, that's what you'd rather be doing." She stood up and walked away from me, but she ran straight into Scott, who had emerged from his room.

His expression was a mix of anger and concern. "Juliette, you're being completely rude."

"Go to hell."

That comment surprised both of us. Juliette, sweet little Juliette, just told him to go to hell? We're talking about the girl we barely swears and is one step from being a doormat, here.

"You can't say I don't care when you won't let me care."

"That's a load of bull and you know it."

"Why have you been so moody, seriously?" I demanded.

She didn't answer, and tried to leave again. Too bad Scott stood in her way.

"Move."

"You're being horrible."

"MOVE!" she yelled and actually physically pushed Scott back.

"Juliette-" he started. But she ignored him and left the apartment as fast as she could.

I looked at Scott. "What did you do to her when you went shopping?"

"I didn't do anything!" he said defensively. "She's being such a tool." He shook his head and made for his room again. "Women. Seriously."

"She'll be okay, right?" I couldn't help but ask.

"She's just throwing a temper tantrum." He brushed off. "I think she's just mad that I'm spending more time with you than with her."

"You sure that's it?"

"What else could it be?" He disappeared into his room.

I couldn't help but doubt his words. I hated that phrase. What else could it be? Anything. No one ever knows what's fully going on with another human being and assumptions almost always led to pain, hurt, and misunderstanding. Scott, of all people, should get that. It was because no one suspected his stepmother of being a closet rapist that led to him getting hurt again and again. It was because no one realized that I had a legitimate reason to hate Walt that led to everyone simply assuming I was a bitch without a cause. The two of us had more hurtful secrets than anyone else, I would have thought Scott would have been more wary about the issues we couldn't see than the ones who could.

It surprised me that I seemed to be worrying about Juliette more than Scott seemed to be. No, it shocked me. Scott was quite close to Juliette before I came, and this marked change in his attitude towards her unsettled me. Especially since it was likely mostly my fault that he was acting this way.

If Scott was wrong and it was something else that was bothering her… If she got hurt, it would be partially my fault.

* * *

A/N: I now only have to see 'Babes in Arms', 'Innocence', and 'Best Behaviour', yay. I think I'm too excited about this show. I got up before 5 AM on a day off to watch it, heh.Thanks for the reviews, you guys rock. I've just started Spring Break, and I'm trying to update my other stories, but since I do have a week off this story hopefully won't be affected by delays. I've got a plot idea for a new HG fic, but I won't be starting it until I finish off a few other stories. I can't wait to write it, though, so hopefully I will be working on it before too much time has passed. 


	9. Pay Attention

**Disclaimer:** I don't think I actually put one of these up, oops. Higher Ground is Fox's, and all characters are not mine. Though I do wish Hayden's Scott was... 

**Juliette**

I know it's wrong. I know it. I can't even pretend that I have justification. Spending high school at Horizon wasn't a waste of time. I learned things, vital things. And I remembered what the school taught me. I knew what it was I should have been doing, but I tried. I know I should have tried harder to talk about it, but the only person I really wanted to talk to didn't want to talk to me. And I realize that I'm being a drama queen again. It just hurts so much to be cast away. I'm so ashamed. After all I've been through, I'm still too weak.

The marks on my wrist and arms are so ugly. They mock me, laugh at me. I know I shouldn't make new cuts.

When I hesitantly pressed the razor against my skin that morning, I had been hoping so much for Scott or Shelby to burst in, catch me, and prevent me from going through with it. I wanted so badly to be held in Scott's arms as I cried, and as he told me he loved me and it'd be all right- just like he used to do. But no one stopped me.

Why did Scott turn from me? I tried to talk to him again that morning, wanted to confess my relapse. He chose a movie with Shelby over a talk with me. Couldn't he see how much I needed to talk? I can hide my emotions when I want to, but I didn't want to then. I wanted him to see my desperation.

My room walls seemed to be closing in on me when I retreated back to my dingy room. So alone, so silent.

Hope flowered in me again when Scott agreed to drive me to the store to pick up some items. I had been apprehensive about asking him, but my car was really not in use. I could have used the bus, but…call me snobbish, but I'd rather face Scott than public transportation.

After he held off from listening to me, I wanted to keep him away. He wasn't being helpful, or even observant. But I still wanted him to notice my sadness, to reach out to me.

The car ride was silent. His face seemed closed off. I couldn't understand it. Just a few days ago, I was holding him in my arms and he had let me. Shelby wouldn't have been as vindictive as to make him so painfully cold towards me, would she?

Getting to the store proved embarrassing and horrible. We had been walking down an aisle, Scott was examining something on the shelf, and a song came on the store intercom. The words collided with my consciousness and delved deeply into my wounds. I broke down. I am a little ashamed that I'm one of those people who can start crying just because of the words from a song, but I guess the content just represented all that I was going through. Scott was completely bewildered.

"What's wrong?"

What's wrong? What's wrong? I hated him right there, needed to be away from him. He didn't care what was wrong. Even then, he didn't care. There were two or three other people in the same aisle and I didn't miss the quick glances Scott sent their way. He was embarrassed to be with me, embarrassed at the scene I was causing. He didn't want to help me; he wanted me to stop crying so he could continue ignoring me.

I cried harder, snatched the basket I had temporarily set down on the floor, and turned away from him.

He touched my shoulder, "Juliette? What happened?" I wanted to shove my sleeve up right then and brandish the stupid scars at him. Instead, I managed to regain composure and I pushed him back. Oh God, how I wanted him to grab my shoulders, look me in the eye, and try harder to find out what was wrong.

He let his hand fall, and took a step back from me. I heard a soft sigh escape from his lips and though I wasn't looking at him, I knew that he was running his hand through his curls.

"You don't even care, do you?" I asked, too aware of how red my eyes looked, how vulnerable I must have seemed.

"What are you talking about?"

"You. It's all about you, and your happiness, and your needs. You don't care about me, after everything that we've been through, you're still a selfish jerk who can only take." I wanted to hurt him like he had been hurting me.

He frowned, a glare forming on his features. "What the hell is up with you? What is this, PMS?"

"Forget it." I snapped and headed for the cashier.

"Whatever."

We paid for our stuff quietly and the drive back was tense. I had wanted to hang out with him, to have a small fraction of his time and attention, but I could see that wasn't on his mind.

"Are we going home?"

"Where else would we go? Unless you want me to chauffer you somewhere else, first." His tone was biting, bitter.

I stared at him. "I just wanted to spend time with you, is that so bad of me?"

"So your car isn't in the shop, then?"

"Of course it is, I wouldn't just make up an excuse!"

"We're back." The car lurched to an uncomfortable stop and the blonde got out without looking at me.

My eyes narrowed and I followed him out, running to catch up to him. "That really is it, then. Should I move out, or will you and her?"

"Excuse me?"

"You obviously don't have enough room in your life for two women, and it's clear you've chosen Shelby, so if I'm so awful to be around, shouldn't we just stop living together?"

"Stop being such a drama queen. Honestly, this is getting really tiring. Get over yourself, Juliette. I don't know what your beef is-"

"You don't care what's been going on with me. Ever since Shelby got back you've turned into a different person. And it's definitely for the worse."

"Maybe from your perspective. I've never been happier. So I can't shower you with my undivided attention all the time like last year. So what? I'm not doing anything wrong."

"You're a scumbag."

"Wow, your insults are so scalding."

I clenched my fist. I didn't like to resort to vulgar insults and I didn't think that was a bad thing. I took a deep breath. "Scott-"

"Screw this drama. I've got a girlfriend in there who's waiting for me. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go. And try not to spontaneously burst into tears again."

"What if I needed your help? Would you be there for me?"

"I was trying to." He clenched his jaw and finally looked at me. "If something was bothering you, you'd tell me, and we'd deal with it."

"You're not letting me tell you anything lately."

"Well. Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I know this is the question I wanted him to ask me for the past twenty four hours, but after all I had to go through to drag the words out of his mouth, I didn't think it was worth it. Especially considering the impatient edge that laced the question.

He stared into my eyes for a moment, and I defiantly crossed my arms. "Like you care."

"See? I keep asking and you're the one not saying anything. Whatever. Like I said, I've got a girlfriend up there." And his tone instantly became disinterested and he walked away from me. I couldn't believe that he didn't see through my lies, since I hadn't wanted to cover them up, and so I knew that he was purposely ignoring my feelings. I could have a perfect mask, but Horizon had weakened my skill at hiding, and it had dulled the desire to want to hide. I didn't want to hide my weakness, not this time. I wanted it to be seen, to be noticed, to be fixed. Last year, I had made genuine attempts to hide the odd cut here, the bulimia relapse there, but he had always found out before much damage was done. If he could see it then when I wanted him not to, was there really an excuse for him missing it now?

"I chose you. It's just too bad that I'll always be second best in your mind." I muttered to the space he had filled a minute ago. I blamed Shelby for this. It was her fault. He was fine before she had to ruin everything. For the moment, I wished desperately that I still had Auggie, and I hated every choice that had presented itself in the past two years. I shook away the thoughts and quickened my pace so that I was only a step behind Scott when we entered the apartment again.

Afterwards, Shelby tried to butt in and I left the apartment. I didn't really feel like being out and about but she had snatched the one place in the world I could retreat to and I had nowhere to go. I didn't want to go whining to any of my college friends about my roommate and his girlfriend, but being alone on the streets was making me feel self-conscious. I vaguely wished that I had been closer with the other Horizon graduates. I had gotten closer with Daisy, but she had gone with Shelby to Australia and whereas Shelby came back, Daisy had opted to stay. Even if Auggie and I were on better terms, he wasn't in the country either. And I had no idea where Ezra and Kat ended up.

A rather large part of me had wanted Scott to come after me when I left the apartment. Considering he barely asked why I exploded into tears, it shouldn't have surprised me that he hadn't.

I began to slowly feel increasingly irritated that I had been driven out of my own apartment. After retail therapy failed to soothe me, and after I unsuccessfully tried to enjoy a movie, I decided that enough was enough and I wasn't going to let them keep me out of my own home.

The apartment was silent and dark. I should have known that they wouldn't have stuck around. I hadn't eaten all day and so I gave in to my stomach's churning and randomly chose a granola bar from the pantry, along with a banana. I don't know why I suddenly wanted to eat so badly, but I found some pasta as well. Maybe it was a comfort thing, or maybe I just needed something to do. In any case, I didn't hesitate this time around in the washroom, and it was with an almost rebellious emotion that I made the food come up again.

**Ten pounds lighter, maybe then my mother would have stayed.**

**Five shades lighter, maybe then Scott would like me too.**

**Two cuts deeper, maybe then my pain would fade.**

_All I wanted was you_

_All I ever asked for was you_

_I know I turned away _

_I know it's all my fault_

_But I just want you to know_

_My heart was never with anyone else_

_I've loved you every moment I've known you_

_You've made my life that much better for being in it_

_And you will never know how much you've helped me_

I wanted to hate Scott, be angry with him. And I guess I was. But it was more hurt than anger, more severe love than hate. I needed someone, and for the longest time I wouldn't let myself believe that he could be that someone. When we finally opened up to each other, I started to relax. I started to hope.

_But now we're gone_

_And you've left me_

_And there will never me an us again_

_You love her_

_I see that you love her as I love you_

_I never did have your heart_

_I can't delude myself otherwise_

_You are hers in ways I never was_

_You need her more than you ever wanted me_

And then of course, she had to mess it all up. I had to face the truth, brave past the little fantasy in my mind. I'm not anything next to Shelby, and Scott will never choose me over her again.

_And it hurts me to know that after all_

_It was my fault, it is my fault, and it will be my fault always_

_Time has passed, faded, drifted_

_And with each passing day I regret it more_

He chose me once. Once upon a time, that beautiful day. I was his, he was mine, and Shelby was nothing. Then, it was I who ruined it all.

_If I could take it back…_

_If I could make you love me…_

_To have you love me like you love her_

_To even see me like you see her_

_I would throw all I've gained for you_

_You don't know this, but would you care if you did?_

My arms hurt more than they ever did before. I should stop this, it's bad, and it's not the way. It's not the solution to anything. I look at the marks, look at the razor… Who am I kidding? I graze the skin again.

_I want you back_

_I need you back_

_But I never do get what I want_

"Juliette?"

It's him. I pressed a piece of toilet paper against my skin and forced my sleeve down again. With a steady breath and a few practice smiles in the mirror, I left the safety of the washroom.

"I just wanted to really ask, are you okay?"

I smiled my smile.

"Shelby wants you to know that you she's sorry if she invaded your space earlier. And it isn't like either of us were trying to corner you or anything."

"I know." I also knew that that tone of his was completely grudging.

Shelby joined Scott's side and looked at me, her expression slightly concerned. "You know, you don't have to run away. This is your apartment as much as it is ours."

No it wasn't. It was mine far more than it was hers. She barely lived in the place. Must she take everything from me? "I'm sorry if I made you worry." Scott seemed to take that as assent and moved away, to the living room. Shelby hesitated and gave me a questioning gaze of scrutiny, but I merely smiled.

After a beat, Shelby said, "Well. If you're sure you don't have anything to say."

I watched as Shelby moved to join Scott on the couch. He rested his head against her shoulders and I wanted to throw up again. I was going to have to make something happen. There had to be a change... It was a fact that inflicting physical harm on myself wasn't going to change anything, it wasn't going to make the internal pain stop. But it was just so easy to fall back on my old ways of coping...

* * *

**A/N:** The song she heard, in case anyone was wondering, was Because of You by Kelly Clarkson- I didn't want to resort to using a song fic technique, which is why she only mentioned it and the lyrics weren't printed. I heard the song on the radio and instantly thought of Juliette, heh.

I've been majorly obsessing over actor Hayden Christensen lately, and I've been able to watch the first bit of Life as a House- he really is a talented hottie. Anyone else notice that Hayden talking in real life sounds slightly different than when he plays Scott? Between interviews and such, it seems like he's given Scott a more distinct voice than how he normally would talk. Or maybe I'm imagining things.

And no, sadly, I don't have HG on DVD, I'm catching weekly re-runs on Vision TV. Thank you all for the reviews!


	10. Guilt & History

**Scott **

No doubt anyone looking at me would think I'm being a complete ass hole right now. Juliette was looking at me in her pained way and I was torn between apologizing and glaring. I ended up glaring.

Shelby looked at me pointedly and I found myself under the displeased gaze of both girls. I ignored both of them and closed myself off in my room. I told myself Juliette was just being herself. Not that it was usually a fact that bothered me or anything, but I didn't think I had the energy to deal with her dramatics. I cared about her, of course, but there was only so much I could keep a handle on. I had enough emotional issues; I couldn't support more than one person at a time. I tend to involve myself in other people's problems and take them on as my own. I invest myself in them, in their moods, in their problems. This resulted in emotional exhaustion if I tried to help too many people at once. With all the baggage and with my brand of helping people, I couldn't be there truly for more than one person. Since it was so obvious that Shelby wanted more of me, I had to let Jules go. I hadn't meant to forsake her, but I think that's what's actually happening. I don't want Juliette to wedge a rift between Shelby and me. It's already begun to happen and I would do anything to stop it. Even if it meant being a little cold to Jules. Shelby needed to see that she was most important, and I don't want to do anything to make her question that. Of course Jules is still my friend and I'd help her if she approached me, but so far she hasn't told me anything aside from Shelby jealousy that's been bugging her.

I'm probably lying to myself. There's something a little off with Jules, I can see that even if I'm trying to block out my thoughts on her. But if she really needed my help, she'd come to me. She nearly always has in the past. I know I haven't exactly been approachable lately, but she's got to know that if she were in real need of help she could come to me.

When I had to mentally choose one girl or the other, I hadn't made an instant decision. It wasn't the simple 'Shelby' I had expected it to be. The mere fact that I had to think about which one to put my full attention in, even if only for a few seconds, scared me enough to realize that I seriously had become far too close with Jules. I had to end the increasingly close bond we shared; I had to take steps to stop us from relying on each other as much as we had. I told myself that I had made the right choice- who would choose a good friend over a girlfriend I loved? Except I had been incredibly close to Jules, I knew her as well as I would a sister. And if that were true, who would choose their girlfriend over their sister?

The thing that's been on my mind for the past few hours is the fact that Jules _does_ need people. And with my back being turned from her and my attention away…will that really be good for her? Back at Horizon, after I had broken up with Jules and was with Shelby, Shel had gotten a bit on the jealous side when I showed the most platonic of concerns for Jules. I had once told her that Jules wasn't strong like Shelby was, that she needed people. I made the mistake at that moment in thinking that Shelby didn't need me. From that point on, I realized how vulnerable she could be. She needed to be assured of her status, and she needed support. My giving Juliette support had bothered her back then, and if her slightly accusing comments of late were anything to go by, she was still a bit edgy in that department. Shelby had to come first, and though I know Jules needs people, maybe Shel needs me more.

In the past year, Jules got a lot stronger. She seemed to finally be grounded a bit more in reality, not some made-up fantasyland. She stopped being a complete damsel, though I'm sure that had more to do with an extra year at Horizon than a first year at college. Her dependency on others dimmed and I was proud to see that she really became more self assured, more independent. The legs she couldn't stand on before developed and slowly by slowly she didn't need me to hold her up any more.

This was why I thought I could leave her side. At least, that's my justification for it. Shelby isn't the immovable pillar I had once stupidly assumed her to be. When she came back, everything about her screamed that she was worried that I had gotten too close to Jules. She wanted me back, and since Jules was stable…

That isn't the full story. Of course it isn't. I feel guilty, okay? I'm not talking about being cold to Jules. I'm talking about being warm to her. Yeah, we're friends, but we got so close. It wasn't something that disconcerted me before, but the truth is, she's not my sister and yet we're closer than friends. The truth is, I can understand why Shelby would be concerned.

"You're being kind of rude towards her, you know."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No. She's our friend, and you and I both know something's up. You can't just pretend you don't see it."

"Shel, what is it you want from me? I'm close to her, and you get mad at me for caring too much. I'm distancing myself from her, and you get mad at me for not caring enough."

"I don't know what I want." She sighed. She slid down on my bed and looked at me with weary eyes. "I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to fight period. I don't want you to be closer with Juliette than with me, but I really don't want something bad to happen to her because you're too busy with me."

"You've got to give her more credit. She's gotten a lot stronger. Just because I'm not around her all the time doesn't mean she'll crumble."

"Just, don't completely faze her out, okay? I know what I said to you earlier about laying off on the intimate talks, but I didn't mean this. I didn't want this."

I wasn't doing this just because of Shelby's words to me earlier. "I just don't want to mess up anything between us, you know?"

"I think that's our problem. The more we try not to screw things up, the more fake everything becomes, the more screwed up it results in."

"How many relationship talks have we actually had in the last few days?" I lightly commented.

"It's better than ignoring and pretending."

"This is so much harder than it was before."

"We're growing up, that's all." She assured me, a little too quickly for her nonchalance to have its proper effect. With a last, somewhat unsure smile, Shelby stood up.

I seemed to stare into nothing for a few minutes, sparing a glance at my homework. I should probably get a start on the evil pile of torture. I was working for half of tomorrow and Monday was football practice, so I really didn't have much time to do it. Funny how my procrastination never seemed to change.

After much reluctance, I did manage to get a page written for one of my classes before my will power diminished. I changed out of my jeans and leant against the wall, wishing that things were simpler in my life. I was managing in school, not stellar, but afloat. Money wasn't an issue, not with the scholarship, my well paying job, and my dad. My love life was strong. And I had football… except that while I had been (easily) the best player in my high school team, college was different. Sure, I was good and everyone knew it, but I was surrounded by guys who were good. I wasn't exceptional anymore. Though I certainly wasn't falling behind or any sort of weakness to the team, I wasn't the star player. This took a lot of getting used to, and it used to seriously irk me. No matter what people tell me, it isn't just a game to me.

Then there are my friends. I make them easily enough, but few of them really know me. When I went back to my hometown, I dropped half of the people who I used to hang with before Horizon. In my pre-Horizon days, I had opted to spend time with people who wouldn't question me, who wouldn't try to find out anything about me. They were deadbeats, and I shed them. In my pre-Elaine days, I had a solid group of loyal friends. When Elaine came, I alienated some of them, some just got sick of my bullshit, and some just drifted away with time. I had two or three really great friends that had stuck with me through out everything, and resumed friendship with a handful of people who had come back into contact with me once I came back from Horizon. The majority of people who had sidled up to me in the beginning of grade eleven disgusted me, though. Many of them pretended as if the last year away hadn't happened, as if nothing was different. Some of them acted like they were my best friend, even though they hadn't made any effort to help or even contact me for the majority of the past year and a half. I was popular again in a matter of hours, and I saw through the pathetic people who sucked up to me.

My friends in college were existent, but I hadn't let anyone new actually into my secrets. I hated being shown as weak, and probably only one or two people outside of Horizon actually know about my full past. College took those people away from me and I found myself with mixed emotions. On the one hand, the absence of people from my past in this new college would mean I could have a totally fresh start; none of the judgements were there. I got a chance to reinvent how I wanted the world to see me. On the other hand, I lost a good chunk of who I once was because of the lack of my previous life. I had a small identity crisis and I had been a closed book to many new acquaintances, afraid to get to know them.

In some ways, I'm relieved to have a good number of friends here who know little of my past, who don't see me as a screw-up as some people from my hometown did. Here, I could just be a good football player; I could resume the shallow reputation of being the golden boy. It was refreshingly ordinary.

This lack of depth only provides more guilt for me as I push away Juliette. When Shelby left the country, Jules was literally the only person in the entire city who knew about my history, about me. Which meant she was the only one I could go to for help when my past tried to catch up to me. Which meant I really was being an ass, and I knew it.

It wasn't my intent to make her feel like Shelby's stand-in, but in certain aspects, that's exactly what I used her for. To be frank, I know that if Shelby had stayed here with me last year, the odds are likely that I wouldn't even be living with Jules- even if she had chosen this college. I had become relatively good friends with Juliette after grade ten, but my contact with her before college was limited. Though I wrote and talked to Shelby fairly often, spoke with Auggie maybe once a month or so, and kept up with Daisy every now and then, I hadn't really tried to keep in touch with Juliette. There were the generic holiday cards, and I gave bland 'tell the other cliff-hangers hi for me' when talking with my former schoolmates, I didn't make specific efforts to write to her. Sometimes when I phoned the school, whoever I happened to be talking to would suggest that I talk with other cliff-hangers, and then I would speak shortly with Juliette, but I don't think I ever specifically called the school and asked for her to talk to. I'd make it a point to meet up with every cliff-hanger when I popped by the school for visits, so I did see her occasionally, and I even showed up once just to wish her happy eighteenth in person. So we were on pleasant terms, but our friendship hadn't reached any truly substantial levels. If she hadn't chosen to go to the same school as me and if Shel hadn't chosen to leave, it's likely I wouldn't have gotten to know her much better.

The thought actually scares me a bit. It's hard to think about how different everything could have turned out. I don't know how I'd function without Juliette's friendship now, even though in the past it hadn't really affected me.

Dwelling about everything the two of us have been through was making me more and more uncomfortable with the way I was treating her. It wasn't as if she was trying to break Shelby and me apart, and she was, after all, my friend.

All this thinking was making my head hurt. I wished that Shelby and Juliette would just stop making me choose one or the other of them. Things were fine before their possessive streaks came out. It wasn't fair of me to turn against Jules, but it wasn't fair of her to ask me to turn against Shel. I was trying to do the right thing by choosing Shelby.

I had actually allowed myself to be angry with Jules for letting us get so close and for expecting the relationship to last. I was angry with her for making Shelby question everything. And I was irrationally pissed at her for making me question everything as well.

I hated that I felt this guilty, I hated that I didn't really know what I was doing or even if I was doing the right thing. I hated the puppy look Jules gave me, and I couldn't stand the look of disapproval Shelby gave me.

Couldn't she see that everything I was doing was for her sake? I was trying to stop her from hurting and trying to prevent future pain, and all it was doing was making her resent me. She couldn't see why I was doing it, she couldn't understand. A part of my choice was selfish, but part of it was as selfless as I could give. Trying to make everyone and myself happy simultaneously wasn't working out and I was sick of always being the bad guy here.

With a small sigh, I realized that I had completely gotten sidetracked from my homework. I grabbed the page I had written and propped myself up on a pillow as I re-read my writing, trying to decide if it was garbage or not. My writing was actually pretty neat, in comparison to how messy people would assume it to be, and it's small size meant that I often got rather pissed at how most people had to write almost half as much as I was forced to for a five page essay. There was the digital approach, of course, but I had chosen not to get a laptop for myself.

I used the money instead for having finer touches to my car, new additions to my personal book collection, and also for use in a rainy day. Yeah, Scott Barringer actually reads and saves money- what were the chances? I'm not a mindless jock, I do consider myself an intellectual, and I am a closet Edgar Allen Poe fan.

As for the money thing, I may not be poor but I certainly am not a millionaire (..yet). My dad is relatively well off, and so is my mom, but Horizon (however it's appearance as a crappy welfare-run school), isn't cheap in the slightest and I know that one year there wasn't a picnic for my family financially. With Elaine gone (so obviously a gold digger along with a creepy nympho pedophile) we managed to save some money. If she wasn't a money vacuum, I don't know what is. Anyways, I'd classify myself as in the upper-middleclass range. If it weren't for the full scholarship, I probably wouldn't be living in this rather posh apartment. Because the tuition was covered, my college fund money (though some of it was gone, thanks to Horizon) was available to me for use in food, bills, all that crap. Since my college fund was quite impressive, I didn't have trouble getting by, especially since I also worked a little. This didn't mean my future was set, and I wasn't stupid. Ergo, my money saving schemes. I had recklessly blown a lot of my family's cash in my high school years and I knew that people saw me as a rich brat. I probably would be able to have an easy life if I continued to mooch off my parents, but I wasn't about to do that. I hated that I drained a lot of money out of them, and I intended to support myself and pay them back one day. I wasn't reckless with money anymore, though I wasn't by any means a cheapskate, I got over my phase of spending money for the sake of spending it. My plan was to become a multi-millionaire by the time I turned twenty-seven and so I made it a habit of saving money. I think I do have a trust fund to my name for when I turn twenty-five, probably of an amount that would really help my goal along. And my stocks don't really hurt things either- when I was fourteen, I got into a money making obsession and that was the year I got a cheque account, had my first job, and also bought a few well chosen stocks that have been earning me a bit of money as of late. I kind of forgot about them, which is a good thing, since when I got into drugs I happened to start stealing random things in my house to get my hands on new stuff.

I was a smart kid, and it makes me wonder what would have happened if Elaine hadn't come into our lives. Our family probably would have a good half a million extra, if not more, if it weren't for her. I used to blame her for my parent's divorce, but though she did ruin everything, I've come to accept that my parents would've gotten separated with or without Elaine's prodding. My mom visits me now and then, as does my dad, and though they say everything is fine, I can't help but wonder if all the money they worked so hard for is going down the crapper. The divorce from Elaine wasn't pleasant, and she tried to leech off as much money as she could. My mom's work crippled, and my dad was getting steadily more stressed. Between paying for my school, making up for my drug use, paying Elaine and the lawyers, and pretending as if nothing was wrong/different, I knew that the money was slipping through his fingers. During my Horizon year, my dad had suddenly become really successful and we had gotten a boost of cash, but it was short-lived. My family had gone from being upper middle class to wealthy and back again. I'd still say, despite everything that's happened, we're still on the upper end of upper middleclass.

Juliette is in about the same boat as me, though her family is a bit wealthier. Her multiple step dads all seem to pay her and her mother, and her current one seems to be pretty rich. From what I've heard, she lived the high life- which is precisely why she started spiralling downwards. She was born into a somewhat struggling household and had worked her way to the lines between wealthy and upper middle class.

In our childhoods, she had music/riding/art lessons as well as finishing school, and skating if I remember correctly. Pretty typical and completely matching her princess personality. I had football/soccer/basketball/swimming lessons (it wasn't a compulsory thing, I really was a dedicated jock), and I did dabble in riding and music, though I quit music after I realized I sucked ass at every cool instrument there was. And then there's Shel… who never got to taste the rich class and who hadn't been given all that opportunities we had. She had ballet, though, and I have to admit, I never would've had her pegged as a dancer.

Dammit, I got sidetracked again. I scribbled out a few more sentences to the paper and scrunched up my eyebrows in an effort to get the thing done.

But my ears picked up on a faint sound. I frowned and listened harder. I couldn't make it out because it was so quiet, but I thought it was coming from Juliette's room. I let the piece of paper fall onto my bedspread as I looked at the wall separating the rooms.

"Juliette?" There wasn't an answer, and I still didn't know if the sound I had heard was real or imagined. It's pretty possible that my imagination made it up to give me an excuse not to work on the assignment. Despite the silence, the guilt I had felt earlier about Jules clouded my mind and I suddenly felt like a horrible person.

"Jules." My clock read one AM, she was probably sleeping, and so I kept my voice quiet. I didn't think she'd hear me, but I obeyed my conscience anyways. "I don't really care that you're not listening right now. I've been a bit of an ass lately." I sighed lowly and burrowed a little deeper against my sheets. I needed to get this out, even if I might as well be talking to myself, or a wall- which I was literally doing anyways. "It's not your fault, in case Juliette-logic led you to that conclusion, which I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Anyways, I know I've been pushing you away. I'd tell you that I'm going to stop doing that, but I don't think I can promise you that. I've got a crappy choice to make, you know that. I have to be fair to Shelby, even though I know that's not fair to you. But it doesn't mean that I don't care about you, okay? Because I do. And I've got no idea why you spazzed out in the store, but I get that you don't want to talk to me about it. That's okay… I just hope everything's okay with you. You'd come to me if they weren't, right? I'm sorry for all of this, Jules, I really am." I paused for a moment before continuing, "And now I feel a little bit stupid for talking to a wall, so I'll stop. I should probably be saying this to your face, but you know how I am. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm pretty much lost. I kind of wish we could be lost together, you know, how we used to be? I kind of wish nothing had changed. It's all so complicated now, and so freaking hard."

I stared at the wall for a moment longer with hesitation before I decided that I was being an idiot. I left my room and my hand hovered over the doorknob to Juliette's room for a minute before I finally turned it. I got the sudden worry that she hadn't been asleep and had heard every word, but a larger part of me hoped that she really had been awake. I wanted to do something about the very sad eyes she kept giving me every time our eyes met, but at the same time I was scared that she had heard my apology for it was sincere…and an all too sensitive and open apology than those that I normally gave. I stepped into her room, strode silently beside her bed and knelt beside her. I didn't even know now if I was checking to see if she was awake or making sure she wasn't. Her back was to me, but her breathing was steady and slow. I was part relieved, part disappointed. My hand lightly touched her back for a brief second before I stood up again. Jeez, I'm being kind of creepy, aren't I? I shook my head and headed for the door. She'd probably completely freak out if she woke up to see me bent beside her. This wasn't the time to apologize.

Giving the brunette one last look, I whispered, "I do love you, you know." I half hoped she would suddenly turn around and say it back, but her still form didn't move. I shut the door as silently as I could manage and crept back to my room. That paper was due on Tuesday, and I really shouldn't let girls get in the way of school. I snorted to myself and resumed my position against the wall, smiling a little with the knowledge that someone cared about me, just a few inches away. There was a lot of shitty and confusing stuff going on, but I never had to worry about going through it alone. Since Horizon, I hadn't been preoccupied with concerns that no one cared about me, I lost a lot of the loneliness that Elaine drove into my life. And for that, I would always be grateful.

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry about the delay, I finished the chapter a day late and the site was messed up earlier today and yesterday. Scott was pretty random in this chapter, I think I may have gotten a touch carried away...it's so much fun writing about him. 

Since so many of you commented on the OOC-ness of Jules in the last chapter, I'll address your concerns, lol. Even when I was writing it I knew that it wasn't the way she reacted to the whole cutting thing on the show. The reason she's so changed about her emotions on it is because she did it partly as a cry for help, more so than an emotional outlet. In the past year, her and Scott went through a lot and it's not the first time she's started cutting again since Horizon and she knows that he's perfectly aware of most of her dark sides, they've moved past the hiding thing. She didn't want anyone to know in Horizon, but now she's just desperate for someone to notice that something's off. I'm pleased that you guys aren't afriad to point out when you think I'm getting off track, con crit is really appreciated.

Juliette Fan, Ilove you op, long reviews make me happy. It's sweet that you check for updates so often, but just to let you know, I normally have the chapters posted on the weekends, so it should be shown on the site by Monday (this week being the exception, sorry again).

Chrisy16, thanks so much for the gesture, that's so nice! Don't worry, I'm not going to announce when I've picked a pairing for sure.

Ghostwriter, you're right about the mood thing. I hope this chapter explained more about S & S and their reaction to Jules.

Dcstar408 & Keke1: Heh, all hail LAAH. I really, really love Hayden, I'm so proud to share a country with him. I was watching him on a cooking show and he was making caramel apples- him cooking very yummy. Again I noticed his voice was different. I think it is deeper. Keke1, I'm really glad you like my fic since I've read and adored yours- I think you're a great writer and your thumbs up for my story means a lot.

Wow, I don't usually do specific reader responses but I do feel bad about the delay, so what the heck. Thank you all so much for the support! Warm fuzzies all around.

**Edit: **Just for you Meg and Hi, it's changed. Sorry: I haven't seen Innocence yet.


	11. Stripped & Confused

**Shelby **

I was a little relieved that Scott had to work today. I confuse myself sometimes. I was upset with him for not being close enough to me, but a part of me feels a tiny bit claustrophobic when we're together. It's ridiculous. I was the one who was insisting that we spend more time together, but somehow now I want a little space. The truth is, I'm getting more and more concerned that Scott and my relationship is morphing into the kind of relationship Juliette and Scott had. By that I mean that I'm paranoid the reason we're together is just for the sake of being together. This isn't making sense even in my own mind, but what if we're only with each other because A) we don't want to let the other one down, B) we're scared about what will happen if we're not together, C) we've been together for so long we figure we just have to suck it up, or D) we don't want to think about the fact that if we don't work, then we just about killed ourselves trying to make it work for no reason at all. In other words, what if we're together because it's not worth the shit of breaking up and not because we really, really love each other?

This isn't me doubting my love. I know I love him. It's an unshakeable fact. I know he loves me. So why am I being all panicky? Isn't that why couples are together? Because they love each other?

I'm trying to figure out if my worries are because of my feeling threatened by Juliette, or my being threatened by college… Or if I'm thinking way too much about this. I have this nagging feeling that something isn't right in our relationship, and I don't understand it. He's been almost a stepford boyfriend with his very sweet actions, so I don't know why I feel the need to dissect every detail just to find a problem. Maybe there isn't a problem. After all, Scott seems fine. It's all in my head…

Insanity, that's what this is. How can I even be thinking these thoughts? After everything we've been through, what right do I have to question it all? We're meant for each other. The only way it could be made any clearer is if someone held a huge flashing neon sign that read 'SOUL MATES' above our heads. I don't really believe in the soul mate deal, but I do know that he's the only guy I've ever loved to this extent.

We're going to stay together. For a long, long time. Years. No, longer than that. Maybe we'll get married, I'll laugh as he brings up the question of kids and suggest he pop a few out his hole instead, and live happily ever after.

Good God. I'm turning into Juliette. I have to admit, though; spending time in Juliette-world isn't such a bad thing as long as I know that it's just a pink-tinted fantasy.

But then, why does it have to be a fantasy? I realize that Scott and I are high school sweethearts, and it's incredibly rare for high school sweethearts to get married and last, but we could be the exception.

It's just really painful to think about the fact that even if we've been together for three years, most couples in our situation would likely be separated before the next three are up. I know I'm only nineteen and it's way too early for me to be thinking about marriage, but this is Scott.

Damn it, I don't know why I'm suddenly so insecure about everything. It's probably because of the new setting here. Everything is different… On my first day of classes, it struck me how friendly people were. I wasn't seen as white trash, which was how most people used to view me as upon first glance. I couldn't figure it out. I looked the same; I sounded the same…yet their first impressions of me were so different than what I was used to. Maybe it's just because I'm in college now. It's true that before, most people first saw me in either the screw-up school or on the streets as a hooker. All right, so I can sort of see why the perspectives changed now.

It's funny. With Scott and everything, I don't really flirt with other guys as much. Well, I do flirt, but not to the borderline slutty way I used to. The amusing thing is now that I've stopped making the first move, I get hit on a lot. Not that it didn't happen before, but it's really flattering to be approached. I had a lot of takers before, but the feeling of someone asking you out is more heartening to me than someone accepting when you ask them out. I take great pleasure out of seeing them get visibly put out when I tell them I'm not single. And these guys, they don't come on to me like the little pervs did in my past. They treated me with respect…like I was the same as Juliette. That was just a really refreshing feeling to have.

"Have you had breakfast?" I asked Juliette as I walked back into our apartment after breakfast with Scott. She was reading through some fliers in the living room and I noticed her hand twitched ever so slightly when I spoke to her.

"Yeah. When you were out."

"What did you have?"

"Food." She snapped at me. I was only making small talk, but her testy response ignited my suspicions. Scott told me that she was completely improved and we didn't have to watch her every move anymore. Even though I wasn't going to demand her keep a food journal, I didn't know if I could trust her to eat properly. Even in senior year, she ate the bare minimum Peter and Sophie insisted upon. Since I wasn't around to witness her "complete recovery" as last year seemed to be from the way Scott's been rambling about it, I think I'd do better trusting my gut.

"Like what?"

Juliette looked up at me with an annoyed glint in her eyes and I met her gaze levelly. I could tell she wasn't fooled by my casual tone.

"Dry cereal." She told me defiantly. I silently cursed. She wasn't stupid- that was the one food item I couldn't check on to see if she was telling the truth. I couldn't very well accuse her of lying without evidence.

"That's not very much. Here. Have a muffin." I smiled and handed her the paper bag I had brought back with me from the coffee shop. I sat down beside her and waited expectantly. "It's blueberry. Your favourite."

I saw her grit her teeth. "Thanks." I waited until she had finished the whole muffin before thrusting a glass of milk in her face.

"Dairy. Good for the bones." I knew I was pissing her off, but I didn't care. I would feel better knowing that she had a proper breakfast. When she finished the glass, I patted her shoulder and left her side.

"By the way, don't use the washroom for the next few hours. Scott broke the flusher, don't ask me how, and the toilet's making some weird noise. The repair guy's coming in an hour." With a satisfied smirk I headed to my room to work a bit more on that school project of mine. Three points for me, my good deed of the day was accomplished.

After I finished the majority of the project that wasn't due for a week, read the required reading, and scanned through my notes, I put my books away. I always took optimum advantage of the two days out of seven that Scott worked.

He wouldn't be off for another hour or so, but my own work shift would begin in two hours. I usually worked five days of the week- afternoons and early evenings on weekdays, all day on weekends. I resented working so much in the beginning, but it's better than what I did before. It's hard sometimes, though… All the hours I put in results in enough cash for my part of the apartment expenses and part of my tuition. There's a grand total of ten bucks left over every month for everything else.

That's the reason I can't be too pissed with living with Juliette. Scott pretty much buys all my meals outside of the apartment, and they never comment when I fail to buy groceries (sheepishly mooching off what they buy, instead). When I first moved in, Juliette was fairly excited at the prospect of living with a girl again and had barged into my room with an armful of beauty supplies. She plopped on my bed, put down the items, and started chattering about how happy she was that we could wear make up again. She actually started dabbling on my face, pointing out colours she thought would look nice on me, and when she finally left she didn't take the make-up with her. The next day, she brightly suggested a shopping trip. I subtly pretended not to like anything to avoid the embarrassment of not having enough cash to buy them, but she insisted on buying a crap load of clothes that she said looked gorgeous on me and it'd be a shame to leave them in the store. That one shopping trip doubled my wardrobe and left me with no need to shop again for a very long time.

Food, clothes, beauty crap, all of that was picked up by my roommates. Somehow, I'm never made to feel like a charity case. I'm putting aside what little money I have extra every pay check so that one day I can pay them back. I hate having to live off other people, but I can't complain too much. At least half of my tuition is covered by my mom…she had surprisingly stashed a bit of money for my future and the contribution really helped. I still had to take out a student loan, but without everyone helping me out, I wouldn't be here at all.

I was going to suggest to Juliette that we do something together, but when I resurfaced from my homework, the apartment was empty. I frowned. We weren't the best of friends, ever, but lately I felt her bristling a lot. When we stopped arguing over Scott, the two of us grudgingly formed a neutral truce and I had actually thought that we might have become friends. I didn't know what had suddenly made her all hostile again, but I was really annoyed by it. I know I might have been a little bit cold towards her at first, but I was doing everything I could to make her feel better about it. I would think that she was pissed at having to live with a third person, but if my living here bugged her, she hid it well enough in the first few days I was here. But then, Scott's been a bit indifferent to her lately and maybe she's mad at me for taking up his time, especially if he told her that I told him not to have the midnight talks anymore. I hoped he had more tact than that…

I didn't think I was being out of line in asking for more of Scott's time. We hadn't seen each other in a year and I was his girlfriend, after all. It'd be ridiculous of Juliette not to understand that. I mean, if I were to live with Auggie for a year and she popped up again, I would back away from him, no questions asked. I would get that the couple needed to be alone with each other for at least a while.

Speaking of Auggie, I wondered what was happening with him. Scott mentioned to me in one of our long distance correspondences that Auggie and Juliette broke up. That had shocked me, considering the sickening amount of love and affection the two shared with each other NON STOP every time I saw them. Come to think of it, I hadn't actually had a chance to talk with her about it. With her in this mood, she would probably tell me to mind my own business.

I glanced at my watch. I still had time to kill before my shift. I could call up one of my class friends, but it was almost awkward to ask someone to do something when you didn't have any money to do it with. I sighed and reluctantly turned on the computer as a last resort. It was Juliette's, but I didn't think she'd mind.

I found myself on the newly launched Mt. Horizon web site. It looked rather cheesy and had a large picture of Peter, Sophie, Frank, Roger, and a bunch of other staff members, under a wide shot of the school. I clicked around until I landed on the "Alumni" section. As soon as the page loaded I snorted. Trust Horizon.

_Strong. Brave. Amazing. Words can't describe how proud Mt. Horizon is to be associated with the wonderful students who came here hurt and confused, and found the ability to heal through looking in themselves. We wish you all the luck in your futures; we know you can make it._

My mouse hovered over the cliff-hangers link and clicked on the proper time frame. Ezra, Daisy, Juliette, Auggie, and my own face grinned at the world in a group shot. There were other people there, but I noticed the lack of Scott and Kat. Kat, because she graduated before us, Scott because he didn't graduate from there at all. I chuckled at the fact that they had me pegged down as a success story of sorts. I learned that Ezra had stayed behind as a counsellor, and it said Auggie was an aspiring artist. I already knew Daisy was taking post-secondary in Australia, and I scrunched up my nose when I read over David's name. I never liked that kid. Sure, he got slightly less freakish, but he had always rubbed me the wrong way. He was a photographer, or at least trying to be one.

I added the site to the favourites list and signed off. I had time for a quick shower before work. My job was a bookstore clerk/cashier/stocker at a privately owned place. It was a fairly successful business and was large enough so that I always had at least three to seven people working alongside me at any given shift. I know, it's shocking how I'm not a waitress. I thought about it, I mean- easy tip money and all that, but decided to do something that didn't require the benefits of my looks. I was tired of objectifying myself.

I stepped out of the shower and glared at the towel rack. I was going to have to kill Scott. He usually used two towels, one to wrap around his waist and the other around his shoulders. Today, because of the broken toilet and subsequent over flow of toilet water, he had used one of his towels to mop up the water. I figured he just made due with one towel, but the vain man had grabbed my towel instead.

Juliette's towel hung beside Scott's but I was weird about sharing things like towels and soap. Juliette used scented body lotion and preferred non-scented soap and Scott couldn't care less, so the two shared a bar. I personally thought that was disgusting (I mean, hello! There are certain areas that the soap is required to touch!). Anyways, I have my own soap and towel and didn't want to borrow either of theirs.

With a laugh, I realized that I was home alone… I could just walk out the way I was to the linen closet. I always thought it was stupid that we didn't keep our stack of towels in the washroom but rather in a closet that happened to be beside Scott and Juliette's room, which was across the apartment from the actual bathroom.

I continued to think about the stupidity of the linen closet location as I padded through the apartment, trying not to drip on anything. I was just about there when Scott's room door opened and he came into my line of vision. Since the closet was close to his room, and I was close to the closest, I found myself standing pretty much right beside him. It took me about one second for the full implications of this to sink in.

"Jesus!" I jumped. "When the hell did you get home?"

"Just now. You were in the shower, so I did-" he answered as he studied a book in his hands. The halt in his sentence was caused by the fact that he looked up from the book and realized I was stark naked.

He gave a yelp and immediately ducked his head; his eyes squeezed shut. "Oh shit! I'm so sorry." His face turned red- my mild embarrassment was nothing next to what he was obviously feeling. I felt my embarrassment melt away. Yeah, I wasn't wearing anything, but he was my boyfriend. And we had been dating for three years. And he still hadn't seen me like this- that just wasn't right. I'm not a slut, people. But I found myself less wanting to cover up and more wanting him to…

"Are you covered yet?" He mumbled. I smirked at his discomfort.

"You know, it's okay. We've been together for practically forever. I'm actually surprised that you haven't seen me naked before. And you know, I still have half an hour before work…" I moved closer to him and wrapped my hand around his.

His eyes fluttered open, he realized again how very exposed I was, and he quickly turned his gaze to someplace firmly over my shoulder. "Shel, not funny."

"What?" I said playfully. I cupped his chin, making him adjust his gaze to my eyes. I closed my eyes and kissed him softly, pulling his hand to rest on my bare waist and shifting forward so that I was leaning against him.

Scott dropped his hand and took a few steps away. "Shelby."

"Come on, I know you want to…" I lightly teased. "You _have_ to want to. It's been three years. If I'm getting antsy, I know you've got to be."

"You don't know anything. I don't have to want anything!" His voice was way harsher than I was expecting and I recoiled.

"Scott…what's wrong? Don't you want me, at all?" My voice sounded weak even to my own ears.

He sighed and reached around me to the closest, pulling out a towel. He draped it around me, managing to avoid looking at me while doing so.

"Shel, you know I do. I'm just…"

"You're just what?"

He looked really uncomfortable. Scott scratched nervously at his neck and touched my shoulder. "I just think we should wait."

"It's been three years."

"I know, and I'm sorry-"

"God, I feel like such a slut." I murmured angrily, tugging the towel up higher and tighter around myself.

"You're not one…Shel, it's not you. You? You're beautiful. I-I…"

I nodded at his fumbled explanation and drew away. "I should get to work."

"Okay." Scott said. "I'll see you when you get back."

I scuttled to my door with what little dignity I had left when he called to me.

"Shel? I love you, okay?"

I managed a smile before I darted into the safety of my room and wrapped my arms around myself. Jesus, that was horrible. My eyes shut and I wondered if I had ever embarrassed myself more in front of him. The answer was likely no and I shuddered. I felt so stupid. I hadn't made a move quite so forward and obvious as this in a long time. He never seemed to want me, not like I wanted him.

The rational voice in my mind told me it was just because of his past, but I numbly wondered if it was because of me, too.

My past was crap too, but somehow despite Walt and despite all the other people I've dirtied myself over, I knew that Scott was so, so different and that it would be special with him. I loved him enough to move on from my past. Why was he so scared of being with me?

Why did I have to do that… I just ruined everything. I knew it; in the pit of my stomach _I knew I ruined it_. He wouldn't look at me the same anymore… he must think I'm so…

My hands trembled as I changed. I felt so dirty…and that was a feeling I had hoped against hope would have gone away.

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**A/N:** Yes, Shelby was a bit different in this chap than in previous ones, I want to make her more vulnerable since that's the effect I believe Scott has on her. 

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing, it makes me happy and also pokes me into writing faster :)

Chrisy16: lol, thanks, this is me jumping for joy as we speak. Or rather, as I write and as you read.

Hi: I read that in a fan fic that Shel took ballet, but I couldn't remember if she mentioned that she did on the actual show or if it was just a writer's idea. I tried to look it up without success, so I left it out. As for the finishing school thing, I'm going to go with the fact that it's a general term that people assume to mean etiquette training and I meant that she had etiquette and pageant training as an addition to school- and I'm going to say that if I didn't know it was an after-high school thing, maybe Scott wouldn't either and he just used the incorrect term. Heh.

I forgot to ask this last chapter. **Poll:** Was Juliette awake? Yes, and she's all warm and fuzzy and will have a total reconciliation with Scott ASAP. Yes, but she's still pissed at him. Yes, but she'll pretend she didn't. No, but she's going to talk to him. No, and she's only going to get worse. No, he'll apologize properly. Even just a yey or ney will be good :p

Also: What job does Scott have?

And: What do you want them to be majoring in? Future careers?

**Edit: **I'm glad I caught my time error before any of you guys did! I had a brain freeze moment and mixed up years in this chapter. If you read it before I changed it, did anyone notice the difference? And, the ballet lesson has been added. **Edit x2**: Wow, I'm very shocked no one caught my other HUGE mistake that I just caught, even though this has been up for a long, long time. Thank the Lord no one commented... but gah that just may have ruined the story plot if you guys had noticed my error XX


	12. Comfort in Denial

**Juliette**

I shouldn't be doing this to myself.

There are other solutions.

There's got to be another way.

If there is another way, I don't see it. The air is suffocating me lately; every thing is closing in on me. Everything would be bearable; everything would be okay, if only I weren't so completely alone. I want someone to care. I want to sob into my pillow, scream so that all the windows break, shatter the mirrors that mock me. I know I'm weak, I know I'm stupid, I know I'm not good enough in any area of my life.

I had a dream last night. It was wonderful and so hopeful. Scott told me he loved me and sat by me in my room. His voice wasn't annoyed for once, and I could almost smell his shampoo. I wanted to reach out to him, but before I could understand what was happening, the dream was gone. My room was empty. I was alone, and no one loved me.

After Shelby forced breakfast on me, I left the apartment and ate a little more before making it come up again in a public washroom.

I headed back to the apartment after I got together with a few new friends to meet for a movie. It was the perfect time frame to return home, since Scott usually walked or drove Shelby to work after he got off and then he'd stay out for a bit trying to madly catch up on homework in a library. I should have at least one hour guaranteed to myself. It felt so much easier to be alone when you were expecting no different to begin with.

My arrival at the apartment corresponded with Shelby's exit. Her face was flushed, and I faltered in being angry with her. She looked like she had been crying, or had been trying not cry. I opened my mouth to ask her what was wrong, but closed when I noticed how her face closed off when she spotted me. She didn't want me to probe her in her emotional state. My heart softened and I remembered everything that we had been through together, realizing how mean I was to her lately when all she had been trying to do was help.

I couldn't think of what to do and she seemed to be in a hurry to rush away, so I just brushed my finger tips across hers, holding it briefly for a second before releasing it. She jerked back from the contact and her face flushed further.

"Now you don't want to be a bitch any more?" Shelby said.

"Are you-"

"I'm fine. Just like you're fine." She mocked and pulled her jacket tighter around herself.

"What happened?" I was genuinely concerned.

"You wouldn't understand. He didn't." She answered through clenched teeth. Suddenly her eyes began to swim. Furiously, Shelby swiped at the build up of tears and turned away from me. As she walked away from me, I distinctly heard her coldly add, "Besides. It's not like we're friends or anything, right?"

"Shelby." I was too soft, I'm aware, but I just couldn't keep up my frosty attitude when she seemed to be so hurt. "I'm sorry."

"You think I'm one too, don't you? Little miss perfect who has everything." A flash of anger seemed to run through her, and I didn't understand why.

"Oh, yeah, because I don't have problems!" My sympathy had faded.

"Oh, my mommy keeps making me try harder but I don't wanna! Oh, I'm already a stick, but gee I'm so fat!" Shelby sneered.

I knew that she was upset, and I knew she wasn't really thinking about her words. It was her anger at whatever just happened, not at me, that laced into the spiteful words she threw at me. I recognized that she was using her old defence mechanism, she always was so afraid of letting on to others how hurt and human she was. That didn't stop the pain that sliced through me when she made fun of my problems.

"Don't do that. Don't belittle my problems. They're no more trivial than yours."

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?"

"So I never lived on the streets. So my parents chose other ways to hurt me than molestation-"

"Yeah. And if you had my problems, you wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't have lasted, Princess."

"I was trying to help you."

"I don't need it."

"That's what we all say."

"I hate all of you." Her voice trembled and I thought maybe she would finally tell me what happened, but just as soon as I saw the crack, she hardened to stone and took a step closer to me. "Fuck all of this."

"Swearing doesn't help anything." I know, way to choose the worst possible time to get preachy. It was the first thing that came into my mind.

Shelby glared at me and raised her arm, as if to strike me. A slight hesitation, and then she let it drop, though she did push me back. Shaking her head, she strode off before I could say anything else. I stumbled against the door with an audible thud.

Almost immediately after, I felt the door being opened from behind me.

"Shel, are you okay?"

I would have given Scott a look if I hadn't been in the process of falling into him. To his very small credit, he caught me with his arms.

"What happened?" he asked me, quickly glancing up to see if Shelby was in the vicinity. His eyes went back to mine when he realized she was gone, and he helped me back in the apartment.

"That's what I was going to ask you. Shelby seemed upset, what did you say to her?" Before the sentence was even finished, Scott's arms dropped from my side and he swiftly walked away from me. I followed him with confusion and watched as he slumped on the ground in his room.

"Scott?" I tentatively spoke as I sat down next to him.

"Something is wrong with me." His voice was barely audible through the hoodie-covered arms in which he had buried his face.

Maybe a firmer person would have kept up the anger and not asked what was wrong. As it were, despite any resentment I may have felt, all I wanted to do at the moment was comfort him.

"Why do you think that?"

Scott's blue eyes were finally visible again and they were filled with conflict and loathing, probably aimed towards himself. I thought for a moment that he would choose not to tell me, slamming shut from me like he did in our past. I saw in his indecisive gaze the question of whether he should let me in again.

"If you'd rather not talk to me about it, that's okay, I can let you be alone to your thoughts if that's what you'd prefer." I gently prodded, though I was stung, as always, that he didn't seem to want me in his life anymore. "I know you don't want me interfering with you and Shelby."

He apparently got over pretending that we weren't friends and answered with actual emotion, a stark change from the determined indifference he seemed to be radiating lately. "Juliette, I do want to talk about it. And you're one of my closest friends, I don't want you to go, okay? It's just that I don't know how to act anymore. Everything is changing and I thought it'd have settled down by now, but it's still a complete confusion. And it seems like every day, something else happens to throw my world a little off centre until it's finally up side down all together."

I didn't say anything, opting to silently wait for him to continue. Pushing him to say what he didn't want to say would only make him say less to me than he was originally going to. After a moment, he sighed and gave in to his nervous habit of brushing a hand through his curls.

"This is going to sound strange…and it's kind of personal." He began with great hesitance.

"I don't want to push you into telling me something you're not comfortable with telling me, but, well…I know things have changed between us and I know you're completely drifting away from me, but despite all that, don't you still trust me?"

He jerked his head up sharply, "Of course. Was I that bad these past few days?" I half shrugged and he shook his head slowly. "Yeah, I trust you. How can you even ask me that? A bad few days and you go and question our entire three year friendship?"

"You had me worried that you did just that. The way you were acting, I didn't know where we stood anymore. But this isn't about us."

"I shouldn't be venting about it to you. I don't know if Shel would want you to know." Scott paused. "It's not that I don't want you to know. Actually, it _is_ that I don't want you to know. This is just… You're going to think I'm a freak."

"I've seen you break your hand by slamming it against a locker after losing a football game. The fact that you're a little odd isn't a new concept to me." I joked. I didn't know if now was the time to lighten the mood, or if he really did need my validation. Not wanting the Scott who actually cared about me to leave the building, I played it safe. "Really, Scott. I know you. Nothing about you is going to suddenly horrify me about what kind of person you are."

"Here's the thing. I know that it's a proven fact that guys don't want it all the time. But, shouldn't they if it's their girlfriend we're talking about?" he finally murmured. Shutting his eyes, Scott elaborated. "Jules, I came home and she was in the shower and next thing I knew, Shelby was in front of me, wanting to have sex. I kind of freaked out and then she got hurt and left. I don't know what's wrong with me. I do love her, and I know I want her, so I don't know why this is so hard. It's been years since Elaine, for God's sake. And Shel's ready, has been for a while."

"I thought you two were already-"

"We're not. We haven't really talked about it, but we've always mutually stopped after a certain point was reached. She's my girl, has been for a long time, why can't my past stop haunting me? Why is it that after all this time, I'm still a weak, scared little boy? I'm never going to be free. I really thought I was, but once again, I was proved to be wrong." Scott ranted with obvious distraught. "Tell me, please, what the hell is wrong with me?"

I squeezed his hand and held it in my lap. "Listen to me, there is nothing wrong with you. You're not a freak, okay? You're not. It's not a sign of weakness that you're still affected by what happened to you a few years ago. It was traumatic and horrible and it's completely normal for you to be uncomfortable in situations like that. Just because you didn't want to sleep with her didn't mean you don't love Shelby as much as you could, because I know that you could hardly love her much more. It just means that you aren't ready to go that far, with any one. Which isn't weird at all. There are some people that don't get over what happens to them when they've been through what you've been through. But I think you will. You've already put her so far behind you…so there's one piece that still bothers you. You've gone such an amazingly long way since Horizon, Scott seriously, you're the strongest person I know. Don't you know that gender stereotypes are stupid? You're a guy who's been sexually exploited. No one would accuse you of not being masculine enough, or not loving Shelby enough. That has nothing to do with this."

"Shelby's gone through worse things than I have. She doesn't need to heal any more. She doesn't understand why I still do… I know her, she's going to take it personally."

"People heal at different rates. She's been through it all, so she of all people should know that." I faltered for a second. This next point would likely get Scott riled. "If you'd really want my opinion… why didn't you two talk about sex earlier in your relationship? Why didn't Shelby talk to you before acting? With both your pasts the way that they are, I would have thought you'd talk about it before advancing."

"I thought so too. I always thought we'd talk about it when we were ready, and after both of us we're sure, we'd take the dive. But the talk never came, okay? It's a sensitive topic, and I can't exactly say 'So, Shelby. When do you think we should have sex?', it's just awkward. And then she just acted, and God, I'm not ready." Before I really registered the significance of the movement, Scott slid down so that his head was lying in my lap. Comfortably stroking his hair, I realized that just as suddenly as it had been jarred, our friendship had resumed its former closeness.

"It's going to be okay. Shelby will be okay. Don't be mad at yourself."

"It just feels like no matter how far I've gone, I won't ever be as far as I want to be. I won't ever be as fine as I was before Elaine."

"It's an awful thing that happened, but it made you stronger as a person. And maybe you are scarred permanently, maybe you aren't flawless. Maybe you will be cracked always. But that's the only Scott I've ever known, and even if you don't like the person you are, I love him. Without the cracks, you wouldn't be the person I know today. A lot of bad stuff brought you to Horizon, but a lot of good came from it."

"You're like my shrink, you know that?" Scott finally cracked a smile.

"You mean in the respect that I'm on your heels every time you want to talk to me, and barely noticed when you don't?" I arched my eyebrow, dragging my annoyance at him back now that I saw that he wasn't on the verge of ripping his hair out any more.

"In the respect that I'd be a nutcase without you." The blonde corrected, with a charming lopsided smile.

My impulses are really dangerous sometimes. And right now, with him still in my lap, his brilliant eyes so light and gentle, and that adorable grin across his features… I have a hard enough time resisting my not exactly platonic inclinations when he's not even looking at me. My heart abruptly urged me to press my lips against his, just once. It had been so, so long since I've felt them, I've forgotten their taste.

Forcibly pushing away the thoughts, I was left with a sad hollow feeling that I had become so accustomed to. He wasn't mine and never would be. That look, right now, that he was giving me, was a gaze that was there simply because I helped him with Shelby. Always his friend, yes, never his girl.

Though I had been so scared of losing that friendship just mere hours earlier, I wondered now if I was just torturing myself by letting our friendship get so cozy. Would it be better to have nothing than this teasing shard of what might have been but will never be?

All or nothing. Stupid dramatics.

"Jules? Thanks. You've heard me rant… are you sure there isn't something you want to talk about?"

For a moment I thought he had found out about my relapse. I looked at him and relaxed. It was just a suspicion, and I'd keep it that way. It seemed so stupid now that I cut myself over being alone, and I thought that if I told Scott about it he would see it as me trying to attention hog.

"No." I smiled and kissed his forehead chastely. "You should talk to Shel about this." Pushing him away for the greater good of all of us. Why did doing good make me want to cast aside every moral I had? I wished for everything to be different, wished that I could go back and stop myself from cutting again… Because I knew at that moment that even though I seemed to have Scott's friendship again, the distance he had wedged between us would be reinforced by him still, even if he didn't know it. He didn't want to get too close to me any more. And I also knew that though I wasn't alone, and I knew it was wrong, I would continue to cut. It's more than a habit, almost an addiction. I was addicted to the pain of the release…

Could Scott save me this time?

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A/N: Thanks for reviewing. -heart- As for the climax thing, don't you worry I've had an event planned since chapter one. If you're wondering how long this fic will be, I have no idea... anywhere from 3 to 20, heh. If the pace seems slow, that's just how I've decided to work this story. 


	13. Idle Conversation: Comfort in Denial II

**A/N: So, SO sorry about the freakish delay.** This is kind of a filler chapter... I just wanted to get something up. Again, really sorry. But there will be something big happening within the next four chapters, like plot-changing big. So you can look forward to that, grin. Thanks so much for the reviews, I love the whole discussion you guys have going on, lol, I seriously am amused that this is like an HG hot spot. I did say that Juliette did dance in my story, though which type I will leave to your own imagination to what you think suits her best.

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Scott

I was doing it again. I had told myself that I couldn't be so close to her any more, and then at the first sign of personal turmoil I went straight to her arms. Confiding in her is only going to make me confide less in Shelby, but somehow I can't stop myself from opening up to Juliette. There's something about the way she'll look at me when she knows something's wrong that just unlocks my barrier. Shelby has that key, too, but it works differently. When I want a truly honest opinion, when I want raw words to put things in perspective, there isn't anyone better than Shelby.

But I'm finding that I want to hear it like it is less and less. It's not that I want some sugar coated lie, but it doesn't hurt to have advice and comfort with a softer edge. I'm not saying that Shelby's heartless; she's just got a penchant for saying the exact words which will drive a point across, the exact statement that will affect you the most. Which I've always loved.

It's wrong to go to a third party in a fight between two people- I've always believed that. Especially since this definitely isn't something Shelby would be comfortable with people knowing. Then why did my confession spill out so easily with Juliette? All she had to do was sit down and ask me and I couldn't find the will to turn her away. I was too vulnerable at that moment. When I'm in the state of mind, I'll open my heart to anyone who will listen just because I need someone to validate me. In that respect, maybe I'm still using Jules.

"So, what's your opinion of Harry Potter? Meant for little kids to encourage reading, meant to promote Satan, or the best book series ever written?" Juliette broke the silence that had passed after she advised me to talk about my feelings with Shelby. I was still lying in her lap, and part of my mind was telling me that I probably shouldn't be in a position that comfortable with her, yet the other part of my brain didn't understand why not. I grinned at her words. Yeah, our ways of coping were probably ridiculous and undeniably time consuming, but it was soothing.

"First two were definitely too childish, second two were actually kind of cool, and the movie sucked big time." I said decisively. "I'll give the series an overall 'eh'. Though I more than realize that you're likely going to drag me to the second film."

"You'll be lucky if I don't make you dress up in wizard gear for Midnight Madness in June."

"Figured as much."

"I went with you when Fellowship of the Ring came out. I waited with you for three hours before the show time, and that's with advance tickets, as you carted the book and sped read the whole time."

"Oh you can't even compare the two! Tolkien and Rowling are nothing of the same quality. And please, as if you're not going to be just as giddy to see Two Towers now that I've introduced you to your three loves."

"Four. Merry's cute too."

"You're going to be telling me that the children who play Malfoy and Harry are hot next." I rolled my eyes.

"Wood, actually. And I'll have you know that Draco's actor is fifteen-"

"Playing an eleven year old, when you're nineteen."

"Give him two years. You'll see. And you'll be rambling about Hermione."

"Twelve. I'm not into that kind of stuff."

"Yeah well I didn't miss the way you looked at Arwen."

"Jesus." I laughed. My head shifted in her lap and I felt her hands almost unconsciously slip into my hair. After a moment of comfortable silence, I met her eyes and said in a much more serious tone, "Do you think I'll ever be ready?"

"Only you can say that."

"But what do you say?"

"Do you want me to tell you that time heals all wounds? Because if that's the answer you're asking for, I don't believe in that statement. All I can tell you is what I've been telling you all this time- I believe you are strong, stronger than Elaine, and you will win the fight."

"I hate the fight."

"No one likes it."

"Juliette, why did you cry in the store?"

Her hands dropped and I knew that she didn't want me to ask her that. "A song came on."

"So?"

"So it just… I don't know. It was a sad song." She smiled.

"You're the single most sensitive person I've ever met."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment." I felt her hands lift my head off of her and so I shifted so that I was sitting beside her. Her eyes became transfixed with the carpet when she voiced her next question.

"Why did you pretty much shove me out of your life so abruptly? Did I do something? Did Shelby say something? What happened?"

"Things are just different from before. That's all."

"You're my best friend, Scott." A crease formed on her forehead and her voice was suddenly filled with emotion. "How different do things have to be?"

"Come on. Don't get all sad." I said lightly, nudging her shoulder.

"How different?"

"Jules."

"Look, are you okay now?"

"Yeah-"

"Okay. I think I better do some homework." Her frown still prominent on her face, she stood up and turned away.

"Oh, come on, Jules!" I sighed and followed her up and grabbed her arm. "You can't seriously be mad at me again."

"I'm not mad. I'm just tired of this game. You act differently around me when Shelby's around, and I wish you wouldn't. You avoid answering questions that I need you to answer, and we dance around as if nothing between us is wrong. I've really missed you lately and I don't want to lose you but somehow despite how nice you're being right now, I know you're going to get all cold again."

"I-" my voice faltered. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but that would be a straight up lie. "It's just that me and Shelby need some time to figure stuff out. Once we've done that, things can get back to normal between us."

"Stop lying to me. With Shelby here, you'll do all you can to stop us from getting back to what was normal between us. I know it's always been her over me, and I'm not asking you to choose me first, but would it be so hard to at least pretend that I'm not always second best?"

"That's not how I see you."

"You come to me when you can't go to Shelby, you come to me when you need comfort, and I love that you come to me, Scott, I really do. I don't mind helping you. I just wish that you didn't look at me and wish that it were Shelby sitting in front of you, telling you the things that you want to hear. I can't be anyone but who I am, and I can't take the fact that I'm losing my best friend and you're the one making it happen."

"Jules, I don't look at you and wish you were Shelby. If I wanted to talk to her, I would be. You're not second best to anyone, and you're one of my best friends too. I just don't know how to balance relationships with you two. I've never been able to do it. It's not that I want things to change, it's not that I want to stop being so close to you- it's that I know things need to change."

"Tomorrow you're going to pretend like we're almost strangers, for the good of your relationship with Shelby. And a part of me understands and accepts that. But I'm your friend. If you could remember that, I'd feel a lot better. I'm always picking up your pieces and putting them back together, but it feels like I never get you when you're fine."

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't think Shelby will want to see me for a while."

"It doesn't." She shut her eyes. "I don't want you to be unhappy. That's not what I'm saying at all. Let's not fight. We've been doing too much of that lately."

"I'm just doing my best to do what's right, Juliette."

"I can't even understand what 'right' is."

I slung my arm around her shoulders and squeezed. Leaning close to her face, I told her, "None of us really know."

"Scott, if you push me away tomorrow and the next day, can you just assure me of one thing? Promise me that you'll be doing it because you have to, and not because you want to. Tell me that you do actually care underneath the frost."

"I do care." My arms wrapped around her in a loose hug and she snuggled against my hoodie. I felt bad that we were constantly fighting about the same thing, and that despite how I knew my actions were hurting her, I'd continue to do them.

"Okay." She smiled up at me and extracted herself from me. "Talk to Shelby when she gets home. Don't put it off. She'll want you to confide in her."

"I'll see you later, then?" I said as she walked out my door.

"Sure."

"Maybe we could grab lunch tomorrow? Just the two of us?" Yeah, that was guilt riding up in my throat.

"I don't think that will be a very good idea." I watched her leave and then slid down against my wall again.

"Why?"

She poked her head back in the door, a minute frown on her face. "You know why."

"Enlighten me."

"Don't you have a paper to write?"

"…Wanna go to six flags?"

"You're overly infatuated with theme parks."

"Maybe I just don't want to deal."

"She's your girlfriend. You have to deal."

"Can't I just have a few days to think about how I'm going to explain myself?"

"You can do whatever you want. But you already know why you did what you did, and waiting any amount of time would just be you stalling. Which isn't always a bad thing, but its probably only going to make things worse."

"She won't want to speak to me."

"Scott, what is it that you want?"

I looked up at her with surprise. The question startled me. "What?"

"You heard me."

"I don't know." I mumbled in amazement.

"Well figure it out. There's only so much a person can take. You need to untangle your emotions and pin point where you are in your relationship and where you want to be. At the rate you're going, your relationship is going to explode in your face. Now go. You have to talk to her."

"At work?"

"If that's what it takes." I realized I was being childish by wanting to avoid the situation, but the prospect of having a conversation about sex with Shelby was incredibly awkward. I gave Juliette a smile and made my way out the door.

"You're right." I laughed a bit at the bright smile she flashed me and savoured the image of her before I walked out the apartment. Now, Scott, repeat to yourself: Shelby is NOT going to kick you in the balls upon seeing you…


	14. Working Woes

**Shelby**

When I'm in a bad mood, everyone around me notices. I almost sent a handful of people flying as I power walked to the bookstore, and I flipped off a few drivers crossing the street. I know I'm a bright ray of sunshine.

Generally speaking, I'm not a friendly person to be around when I'm pissed, which makes me fairly surprised that I haven't lost my job yet. I do pretty much anything that requires doing at the bookstore, including working the cash register and helping customers. Is it a sign that I've managed to hold back my temper more, or does my boss just like me too much to fire me?

A few of my co-workers asked me if I was all right. I glared at some of them and shrugged at others. It made me feel a little bit better to have the two other guys on shift with me looking at me with concern. Both of them were cute and around my age, and neither of them had waited very long before they started flirting with me when I started working here. It was amusing, but occasionally annoying. I knew that if I had bothered to tell them what was irking me I'd probably get an earful of how stupid Scott was and how I deserved better, along with a half billion compliments meant to stoke my ego but which would undoubtedly make me want to stab them with a pen. For the most part, they tried to make me feel better, and I appreciated their efforts.

An hour into my shift, the bookstore door chime rang out to announce the arrival of the person I had hoped to avoid for the next few days. Scott rarely visited me at work, and when I saw him nervously glance around the store, I briefly thought about hiding in the back to do stock until he gave up and left.

"I knew it was boyfriend issues," Jonny grinned from the till beside me.

"Shut up and help me avoid him," I answered back lowly.

He looked at me, and then switched his gaze back to Scott. I knew what he was going to do before he opened his stupid mouth. "Hey, you looking for Shelby? She's right here!" Scott finally saw me and made his way towards the register.

"I hate you. I hope you realize that, dead man," I said through gritted teeth as I handed a bag to a customer as politely as I could manage.

Scott reached me and opened his mouth to speak.

"You couldn't have waited until I got home, could you?" I interrupted in exasperation.

"You would have avoided me," he stated and shifted his weight from foot to foot. I took a small pleasure from recognizing his discomfort. "Shel, about earlier-"

"I'd rather not talk about this in front of the whole damn store."

"Fine," Scott simply shrugged and took my hand, pulling me towards him.

"What are you doing? I'm on the clock-" That didn't stop Scott from half leading, half dragging me to a secluded corner.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked frankly in a vulnerable voice that made me want to duck my head.

"Are you?" I questioned back.

"Of course not. You really caught me off guard, that's all…"

"So you're saying that if I had talked about it with you first, you wouldn't have squirmed away?"

"Well, no."

"Why?" I exclaimed, clenching my hands into fists. "Why don't you want me, Scott?"

"I'm not- I'm- it's definitely not that I don't want you," Scott stuttered in agitation, "It's just that I- the thing is, I don't think I'm ready."

That was a rather lame attempt at an explanation. "Do you mean with me, or in general? Is it still because of Elaine?"

"What else could it be?" He was sincerely embarrassed, and I felt my edginess give way to the desire to make this easier for him to say. "I know you've been through the same thing, and you seem to have healed faster, but I guess I'm just not as strong as you. I don't want you to be pissed at me or think that I don't care about you as much as you care about me, because that would be insane." Scott shut his eyes and turned away from me. "I just… I can't. Not yet."

"How-" Could I phrase this in way that wouldn't sound completely selfish? "How long do you think it will be until you…are ready?" No, I really couldn't.

"I don't know, Shelby, don't you think I'd be a bit less freaked out about all of this if I knew how much time I needed to be okay again?" Scott said. His hands were doing that twitchy hair-smoothing thing again. "I just know that it's not going to happen in a day, or a week, or whatever. And I understand why you'd be impatient, and…"

"And?"

Scott let out a short, awkward, and completely humourless laugh. "God, this is so awkward to say. What kind of a guy has a conversation like this? What kind of a boyfriend am I?" He was rambling to himself now, and was sounding increasingly embarrassed.

I squeezed his hand and kissed it. "Guys don't always want it. You were the one who taught me that, remember?"

He looked up and met my eyes finally. "We were talking about Elaine then. You're totally different. Please, understand that- I don't think of you in the same way at all… Maybe I don't want _it_, but, well, I know that I _do_ want you."

I raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't make a lot of sense the way you just explained it."

"Maybe not, but do you understand what I'm saying?" The way he asked the question gave me the impression that he thought it was completely imperative that I did understand. "You are very likely the most gorgeous person I've ever had the luck to meet, and my not wanting to have sex yet has nothing at all to do with my attraction to you. Because desire wise, I'd have ripped off your clothes the summer after our first year at Horizon."

I smirked, "Even when you claim you're not ready, you still manage to come off as a total horn dog."

"It's a gift. I'm sure I emitted rays of overly sex charged teen to half the people at Horizon and that was before I even began working through my sex issues." He leaned in to me and kissed my forehead affectionately. "…Are we okay?"

"I suppose so. I wish we had talked about this before I humiliated myself in front of you."

"This conversation humiliated me in a much more detrimental way than a very hot you could ever do," Scott sheepishly smiled, "Besides, this is me, Shel. You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of me. We've long since moved past the stage of judging."

"You know, now that you mention it, you did get to see all of me… what are the chances you'd let me-"

"I don't think that'd be a good idea. Self restraint would probably completely leave the premises if I let you see me like that."

"Cocky, aren't you?"

"Oh, I've always been."

I socked his arm and shook my head.

"We manage to kill arguments pretty quickly these days, don't we?" he said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, but we've been getting in them way more frequently too."

"Oh but that's a sign of passion."

"Whatever you say, Scott. Crap! I completely forgot I'm supposed to be working right now!" I groaned, praying that my supervisor hadn't noticed my twenty-minute leave of absence. "I've got to go."

"I could stick around, keep you company…"

"My boss already has a long list of reasons to fire me, I don't think it'd be a good idea to add to that list," I said apologetically.

"All right. Can I pick you up when your shift is done?"

"Sure. Don't get in too much trouble in the next few hours." I teased.

He smiled again, kissed me lightly, and slowly departed. He was confident that everything was fixed in this one conversation, and I wished he were right. But I still felt completely embarrassed, despite his comforting words and prompt explanation.

It's not that I don't understand… I do.

It's not that I'm a hyper sensitive princess… I'm not.

Wait… what exactly is it then?

I do have a right to still be upset, don't I?

I leaned against a shelf, doubt clouding my mind. I had never been the type of person to just randomly get angry with someone for no good reason. I always had a legitimate reason for being pissed at a person, I wasn't an overdramatic attention hog. But I also usually forgave a person once a sincere apology was given… so what was going on here?

Why was I still upset? Well I did really wish that he had talked to me earlier about not being ready yet, but again I don't question why he didn't (for all the awkward conversations we've had, that would still be one of the most embarrassing, especially since I hadn't previously made it obvious that I _was_ ready). I was embarrassed that I had put myself out there only to be shot down (he's likely the only male who has ever turned me down).

Maybe my past is really catching up to me. I once viewed my body as a tool; a useful device that when properly handled could get me anything I wanted. I once shoved guilt away as much as I could possibly shove it and hope that it wouldn't catch up to me before my next encounter with drugs. But now, exposing myself like that wasn't a light concept any more. It rattled me.

Was it because I was still insecure that he didn't love me as much as I loved him? Was I still worried that he didn't feel the passion for me as he once did? Was I freakin' jealous of Juliette?

"Miss. Merrick. Miss. Merrick. Shelby. SHELBY MERRICK!"

Oh, shit in a can.

"Sorry. What did you want, Mrs. Brithel?" I answered in my most polite tone, hoping that she somehow would disregard the fact that I was completely zoned out for who knows how long.

"I wanted you to actually work. We don't pay you $9 an hour to slump in a corner like a dead thing, scaring away the customers and employing the appearance of some sort of drugged up zombie!" Have I mentioned that she's got a stick shoved up her ass that's long enough to touch her lungs?

Smile, look apologetic, do not glare. "I'm sorry, Ma'm." God, I hated her. She absolutely insisted I call her that. I swear she gets some sort of evil pleasure from goading me.

"Is that a glare you're attempting to cover up, Ms. Merrick?" Yes, bitch, it really is. I'm plotting ways to kill you without losing my job.

"Aw, Mrs. Brithel, cut Shelby some slack. She's been working really hard and she's just having a bad day. You know how it is," David, the second guy my age on shift tonight, dimpled as he slipped in front of me.

She smiled. The beast attempted to show her human side. "I guess you're right, David." She turned her beady eyes back to me, "But pay attention!"

"Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on her," David said, with an almost flirtatious grin. Towards the Supervisor from Hell, not to me.

"That would be great. You're such a good employee, I'll be sure to look into that raise you were asking about, all right?" Constipated Cow nodded, blushed, and walked away.

Before you get any weird ideas about the David-Brithel relationship, let me point out that she's a saggy forty year old and he's a fiiine twenty year old. She's double his age, and has an obvious crush on him. It's kind of sad. Especially since David tends to take advantage of the little soft spot she's got for him. One has to wonder how much her husband pays attention to her. She's got a wandering eye- believe me, with a name like Brithel, I haven't held back from mocking her behind her back.

"Thanks," I grinned quickly.

"No problem,"

"Don't you feel all dirty inside after you do that?" I made a face, "Flirting with her and all?"

"A man's got to do what he must for the common good," he said solemnly, "Besides, you looked like you needed saving. And the raise benefits are worth it. I think you owe me one, now."

"Shameless."

"Belongs-in-a-Brothel wants me," he whined. "But you've got Blonde Jock at your beck and call, I saw him earlier. Eh. A guy can hope."

"Go back to work."

"I'm supposed to keep an eye out for you, remember?"

I gave him a look and started to pretend that I was organizing the bookshelf.

"Were you guys fighting?" Go away, annoying Tall, Dark, and Handsome! "You and Blonde Jock, I mean."

"None of your fucking business," I smiled sweetly.

"Because if-"

"Don't finish that sentence. I don't want you, you're not going to have me, I'm not going to be single any time soon, so thanks for whoring yourself shamelessly to get me out of trouble with Belongs-in-a-Brothel, but I've got work to do."

"Rawr."

I glared at him again before I stomped back to my till by Jonny. At least he managed to distract me somewhat from the feelings over Scott. What was I brooding over earlier?

Right. I did have a right to be flustered, didn't I?

* * *

**A/N:** Just a chap to show a bit more on Shelby's life. She does have one outside of Scott, haha. Again, sorry for the delay in UD, I tend to lose steam after I get to a certain point in a story, which is a horrible habit that I'm hoping to beat. Thanks for sticking with me, guys 


	15. Football & Almosts

**Juliette**

The lovebirds canoodled when they arrived home near eleven that night. I smiled at the sight of them. Yes, sometimes their closeness made me feel like an outsider, but Scott was a complete wreck without Shelby and vice versa. He finally looked at peace when he held her in his arms so protectively. The two were laughing about something and I was glad that they had worked out their issue. It always surprised me how quickly they could move on from arguments. I guess they just learned after tiptoeing around for most of their first year together that it wasn't worth holding grudges and wasting time that could be spent together.

I slipped into my room after I realized that he had managed to fix things up after all, and tried to hold on to my feelings of happiness for their behalf. It was useless being jealous; after all, it was my fault that I was alone. It usually was. I had long since learned that you couldn't blame others for your own mistakes.

I thought about calling my mother today, just to talk. It only took a second for me to realize I couldn't any more since she had failed to leave me her new contact number. Stupid letter.

The amount of times I had picked up the phone only to change my mind in calling someone was at an unprecedented high in the past few weeks. Sometimes I had gotten as far as dialling, and even a 'hello?' or an answering machine before I changed my mind and hung up. Maybe I should just call Peter or something…

"Hey. Just wanted to say thanks for listening earlier and for pushing me to talk to Shelby so quickly," Scott said quietly, poking his head through my previously closed door. I looked up in surprise and dropped the letter I had unconsciously picked up.

"You're welcome," I answered absently, "You guys are good now, right?"

"Mmhmm. What's that?" He gestured at the paper beside me.

I pasted on a smile. "Just looking through some old letters."

"Feeling nostalgic?"

"You could say that."

His eyes lingered on the letter for a second longer before he met my eyes again. "Okay then. Good night, I guess."

Scott started to close my door again, when I accidentally blurted out, "Wait."

Of course, he did just that. "Was there something else?"

We couldn't have two heart to hearts in one day, now could we? That would be too intense, even for us. At least that was what my cowardly side rationalized. "I'm sorry for coming between you two." It was the first excuse I could come up with since I couldn't very well say never mind. Time had shown me that saying those particular words always ignited suspicion.

"Don't worry about it."

"You should probably get some sleep. First football practice after your August break starts tomorrow, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," he grinned. He always missed the game when he was away from it, and I sincerely hoped that he would make it professionally because I had yet to find something that he enjoyed more. "'Night."

The door shut with a soft click and I wondered again if I should confide in someone. I looked down at my arms again and, for the hundredth time that day, cringed at the scabs I saw. Could I keep hiding? Something told me that I'd be exposed before long. It was inevitable. So shouldn't I just confess and have it out in the open on my terms, and not on someone else's?

I had already let myself slip further than I should have, that I knew. Cutting had always been a semi addiction for me, and it became especially potent when I felt like I had no other escape. I was scared, sincerely frightened, that if I didn't tell someone about it soon I wouldn't be able to make myself stop. As it is, I'm not sure I could stop by myself. It's dangerous and unhealthy and all of those horrible things, but without intervention I'd likely become as attached to the pain as I had been in my days predating Horizon.

It's not that I don't want to stop, I have been trying- and I've been holding back. But I have this knowledge that if something else goes wrong, my hands won't even hesitate in reaching for the blade. Every time I do it I feel so much hatred for myself, and every time I think of asking for help I shrivel away with the fear that they won't understand. That they'll think I'm a weak little princess again. I can't deal with that. Logically speaking, I should know that neither of them would cast me away for doing what I did, but at the same time both of them have grown so much and to tell them that I've gone back to my old habits would be like telling them that I'm as messed up as I ever was.

Oh, great. I've managed to let myself wallow again. I shook my head distastefully and crawled into bed. I told myself things were looking up; after all I wasn't fighting with Scott any more. I should probably talk to Shelby tomorrow and make sure we're okay, though. Of course, she's honed her people reading skills to the point of freakish perception and she'll likely be able to feel that something's up. She was already suspicious about my eating habits, as I could easily tell when she made me eat in front of her. The fact that she was better at seeing past the surface than most other people combined with the unfortunate fact that my mask holding skills had crumbled significantly equalled apprehension that Shelby really would be able to see right through me. And if that did happen, was it really a bad thing? A part of me would be incredibly relieved, but again I'd much rather tell them in my own time instead of being revealed haphazardly.

"I can practically hear you thinking over there. Go to sleep, Juliette," Scott's amused voice broke the night silence and succeeded in thoroughly jolting me.

"How'd you know I wasn't already?" I answered, somewhat annoyed. He just chuckled. "Oh, just sleep already and shut up."

"Grrr."

"Don't you have a ten AM class?"

"Don't you?"

I turned my back to the wall and ignored him. Yes, he couldn't see me doing that, but that wasn't the point. A few beats, and then, naturally, he ended the silence.

"…Hey. You coming to my practice?"

"I would, really, if it didn't involve four hours of watching you ram into objects and people and sprinting back and forth across the field," I grumbled, "I went to all your practices for the first two months last year and the last few as well, which probably equals to, what, a hundred hours getting my hands frozen off as I cheered my lungs out for you? In which I was one of the only people watching, mind you. Your team already thinks I'm psychotic."

"They think you're awesome. Come on, I get nervous."

"It's just a practice. I promise I'll go to all your games."

"Come, just this first practice? Shelby's working tomorrow and I get an unholy amount of joy from being the only guy with a cheering section."

"Pathetic. You should be paying me for everything I submit myself to," I sighed in defeat. "And you just like the cheering because once I get started, other people notice you and girls check you out and cat call."

"That only happened twice!"

"The only two times where there were girls on the field at all." I rolled my eyes.

"I'll take you out to dinner first?"

"Bribing me now?"

"Is it working?"

"I'm going to sleep now."

"You're so grouchy right now."

"It's the middle of the night, I'm tired!"

"You slept in pretty late today any ways. What was with that?"

"This coming from a guy whose been known to sleep in until dinner time?"

"Well, you're not me."

"I was just tired."

"You sure?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You'd tell me if something was off with you, right?"

"Good night, already. I'm fine, Mr Paranoid," I laughed and firmly shut my eyes. The other end stayed silent and I finally fell asleep within a few minutes absent of his interruptions.

At five pm the next day, I had just sat down for a drink with some friends when my cell rang. Let it be known that though I love, love technology and all that it brings us, I have yet to find a cell phone ring tone that doesn't startle me every time I hear it. I really can't stand having it on vibrate, so why it was currently set to both ring and vibrate didn't go unnoticed by me as I flailed in surprise at the ticklish phone in my pocket.

The speaker didn't clarify who they were for a moment, but I figured out quickly that it was Scott. Reminding me to go to his practice. It started in five minutes, and apparently they were closing off the field in seven minutes. I was close by, but not close enough to get there on time without sprinting. Believe me when I say that my friends teased me as I shoved away the phone, hurriedly told them what was going on, and dove head on in a run. The words whipped distinctly reached my ears, but I had no choice to ignore them until I saw them again.

Six and a half minutes later I ran straight into one of the Football players, who I'm sure I've been introduced to at more than one point but he was an alternate and so I hadn't caught his name yet- you try remembering the names of half the people in all your classes, and half the people in the life of your roommate. It's not easy. Anyways, I stumbled onto the field and smooshed against a player, who laughed and helped steady me. Scott looked up, saw me, and burst out in laughter.

He jogged up to me and shook his head, "You're so gullible. 'Closing off the field'? Really, that was one of my lamer ones. I just said that to make sure you got here."

"You. Suck." I pouted, trying desperately to catch my breath. I wasn't in a very good mood. In my rush, I had spilt half of my hot chocolate on my purse and shirt and the rest of it had landed on the ground altogether. I informed him of this, which only made his impish grin broaden, but I glared for long enough for him to promise to buy me another drink…and to keep me company as I scrubbed at my items. Keep me company, as in mock. Bah!

He patted my head like I was a kid, and then said he'd see me after because he had to go do drills now. I pretty much sulked over to the bleachers-, which, by the way, are the most uncomfortable seating structures I've had to use- and plonked down. By myself. As the sky got progressively greyer.

Oh, who do I think I'm kidding? Watching a group of sweaty college guys run around in front of me, and being the only female on the premises? I complained, but it wasn't the worst activity I could think of by a long shot. I knew a bunch of the players too, so as they noticed me, most of them acknowledged me with a nod or a smile, and the occasional wolf whistle. My ego was very pleased.

I obligingly clapped and cheered for Scott…even though it was only practice, I figured what harm could one more confidence boost do to his already slightly cocky self?

Watching hot sweaty guys is fun, but only to a point. When the half way mark was reached, I was getting more than a little bored. But eh, I could suck it up and look lively, considering he did only want me here for today.

Practice eventually ended, and the guys wanted to go out for drinks. I'm not much of a drinker at all, but I was NOT going to simply go home after numbing my butt for so long, so I tagged along.

My shirt by this time had stuck to my skin and the last thing I wanted was to sit in it for any longer. Scott finally noticed the stains, laughed at me some more, and then he gave me his hoodie to wear instead. Would it make me pathetic to say spilling the drink was worth it to wear his huge, freakishly soft sweater?

A bunch of the team, again, hit on me. Half of them only did it jokingly, the half that I was a friend with. The other half did it seriously, and the volume of the serious ones increased with each passing drink. A bunch of hot sweaty drunken football players intimidated me slightly, truth be told. Scott stepped in and detached from the drunken fun to take me home. He wasn't intoxicated at all. We both had a cooler and then he held back, even though we would be walking home. Of course, he did smuggle a 6 pack away from the guys as we left. He didn't like getting publicly smashed, and rarely drank enough to get smashed in the first place. At least he didn't lately, the first while last year was a whole other story. He was a crazy partier, basking in college life once his brooding side faded a bit. Thank God he grew out of that!

Anyways. We were walking home.

"Thanks for coming. Me and the guys may have given you a hard time, but it meant a lot," he stated out of the blue. I nodded in response. "And I can't believe you ran all the way over!"

"It was only a few minutes away," I protested. I looked at his face- his lips were pressed together in the way that only happens when a person is holding back a burst of laughter, and his face was red with amusement, his shoulders shaking slightly. "It wasn't that funny!"

"Terry-" That's the quarterback. Or something. He's got a big role, at least. "Thinks I'm playing two girls at once. He's very distraught. Considering he hasn't met Shel yet, he totally thinks I'm either cheating on her with you, or that I made her up completely to come up with an excuse why I'm not dating you. It's incredibly funny- especially since he's been trying to get me to hook him up with you since last year."

I blinked at him in silence.

"Don't worry, I beat him back. He's a nice enough guy, but not for you, trust me."

I smiled. "You're like my protective brother or something."

"Yeah. Or something." Scott grinned back.

A thought occurred to me, and I hesitantly asked, "I was wondering… would you mind… I mean, would it be okay… May I have thanksgiving with you and your family this year?" Normally, we spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter with our respective families. We normally had a makeshift Christmas celebration on the last night before the first day of break before we left for two weeks with very little contact in between. I know I say normally when I've only had one Christmas in college with him, but it just feels like I've been living here forever.

"Of course you can stay with us! Mind? That'd be awesome!" Scott enthused. I'd only seen his dad six times- once when Scott left Horizon the first time, once when Scott left after the Morp, once when we both moved into the apartment, on Scott's birthday, and then twice for football- the first and the last game of the season.

I beamed. I realize that's almost my trademark now, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't alone, not really, and it felt nice to be reminded of that.

"You look like you've just won the lottery," he laughed, "What, did you really think I'd say no?"

I threw caution to the winds and suddenly flung my arms around him and squeezed him warmly. "I'm so happy, I could kiss you!" I squealed. He hugged me back with another chuckle and I seized hold of that moment to re-analyze the very nice essence of Scott.

Have I mentioned lately that he smells like heaven? I don't know why, but he somehow reminds me of a bakery, fabric softener, a tiny bit of cologne, shampoo, and then something else that's entirely impossible to pinpoint. In short, heaven on earth.

I wasn't going to spend Thanksgiving alone! I wasn't going to spend Thanksgiving alone! Please, God, don't let Shelby take away the person that's more reliable to me than my family!

I laughed out of sheer giddiness and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you!"

We had just reached our apartment door when Scott paused. "Wait, Jules, what about your mom and step dad? Why aren't you going to be with them?"

It was now or never. "The truth-"

But then he opened the door, and revealed something I was completely unprepared for. My words died on my lips and I was left to gawk awkwardly in utter shock. Likewise, Scott stopped walking and merely stared.

"Oh my God!" I blurted in a shriek.

* * *

AN: I've finally written more and with luck, I hope to get back on my weekly updating schedule to have a new chap up by the weekend, no later than Monday. Again, review replies are on my forum, thanks for reading and I hope none of you gives up on this story- I'm aiming for more regularity, don't leave yet! And yes, dun dun dun, I'm leaving you with (I think) this story's first cliffhanger. 


	16. Shit's Out

**Scott**

It was very sweet how excited Jules got when she wanted to come home with me for Thanksgiving. I was incredibly pleased with her reaction. Everything was amazing; it was a perfect night. Shouldn't I find it odd that my perfect night happened without Shelby?

My hand was on the knob; Jules was speaking, and then…

It was him. I hadn't seen him in far too long. Though he seemed to have grown slightly taller and he seemed to have changed his clothing style a bit, it was still obvious as day that it was him.

"Oh my God!" Jules screamed, a massive look of shock registered on her face, and then an insanely huge grin as she pushed me away and launched herself into what looked to be a body-crushing hug. "Auggie!" she exclaimed as she reached his arms.

He smiled a little and wrapped his arms around her body securely as she literally jumped on him, her legs going around his waist and her arms tightly squishing him into oblivion. The way she attached herself to him and the way his eyes exploded with emotion made one think that they were clinging onto each other for dear life, as if being in contact with each other was as necessary to them as living itself.

Shelby was still wearing her jacket from her spot in the kitchen as she watched the ex couple embrace. She met my eyes and grinned, "I just got home when a minute later, there was a knock on the door, and I found Auggie in the door way. He snuck in because he didn't know if we would buzz him in."

I shook my head with an amused grin, though at the same time, I was watching the two and was mildly disturbed that they hadn't released each other yet. They were broken up, for Christ's sake, let go already…

"I missed you," Jules could be heard through Auggie's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, I didn't…I should have… I missed you so much." She was crying now, shoulder shaking, tear flowing, crying. Auggie finally gently let her back on the floor and kissed her nose, wiping away some of the wetness with his thumb.

"Aw, come on, Twig. You know me. I always come back for you." His voice was soft, and Shelby was making mad motions at me indicating that we should give the two privacy. Like hell.

"Hey, muchacho," I greeted.

Auggie's expression immediately changed as he met my eyes. I was confused… last time we talked was a while ago, but we were on good terms. He lost the smile, and looked back at Jules slowly.

Was that fear on her features?

"I told you to look after her, Meat," Auggie stated, disappointment clear in his tone.

The hell? "I know, and I have been, what is this about-?"

"You don't know yet, do you?" Auggie snorted, "I figured it out with one phone call-And you're telling me that even though you live with her, you haven't found out?"

"Auggie-" Jules started, appearing like she was trying to communicate with him through twitchy eye movements.

"It's not about that. Don't worry. I said I wouldn't tell him about that." Auggie shook his head. "It's not about us. It's about you." He turned back to me. "What is wrong with you, man?" The anger was back in his voice, and then dawning realization appeared on Jules' face and she pulled on Auggie's arm.

"Wait- how'd you know it was me that called you? I hung up-"

"Please, Juliette. Like I haven't memorized the way you cry by now. All I needed was to hear that one sob, and I knew. You were in trouble. And Jocko didn't know, didn't care, didn't do a thing!" Auggie said.

"What?" I was honestly dumbfounded.

"Meat, why would she call me, someone she's spoken to three times in the last year, out of the blue, in what would have been late at night in America? Why would she have been so desperate as to resort to me?"

"I didn't 'resort' to you, Auggie, I w-"

Auggie interrupted her. "Why? Huh, why?"

"Listen, Jules is fine."

"Yeah. Calm down, Auggie. I'm fine," Juliette smiled. "I-"

But her explanation died on her lips as Auggie firmly took hold of her arm, meeting her eyes as he did so. Her smile dissolved and panic took over as she tried to shake him off.

"Don't, please, Auggie," she pleaded.

"She said let her go." I hissed.

Auggie clenched his jaw, and slipped up her sleeve.

"I thought so. I hoped against it, but I thought so." He sighed. I moved forward to try to see what was exposed, and Jules yelped and tried again to move her arm out of view. But she moved too late, by the time she had finally shaken off Auggie's hold and shrugged her sleeve down again, I had caught the lines of red.

I caught her retreating arm and shoved her sleeve up a lot more forcefully than Auggie had. She whimpered, and Shelby yelled at me to let her go, but I couldn't. I couldn't believe it.

"You started cutting again." My voice was monotonous, devoid of emotion in my shock. I was stating the obvious, but it had to be said.

"Yeah, she started cutting again. I'm thinking for a while now." Auggie lowly said. He again looked between the two of us and demanded, "You have, at least, been makin sure she's eating, right?"

"I'm not sure she has been." Shelby piped up.

"What!" I blurted.

"You selfish hijo de la gran puta! No sirves para nada! Cara de culo!" I'm assuming I was just getting heavily sworn at in Spanish. I'm _sure_ he had said the second phrase to be more than a few times, though sometimes he said it lightly, or when he was frustrated. NOT so now…

I was too preoccupied to care too much about what expletives he was sending my way, and stared at Juliette. She was whimpering and crying again, her every physical movement confirming the accusations. Auggie started to come towards me threateningly, but she yanked at his arm to hold him back.

"No. Don't. It's not his fault."

"Why?" I asked, my voice mangled with hurt, confusion, and anger.

She shut her eyes and fell on the couch. The three of us pretty much boxed her in, so she started talking. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"I don't want a fucking apology, why, Juliette?"

"My mom. She moved. To another country. And I tried to tell you, but you were so busy with Shelby, and I didn't want to make you angry, and you wouldn't listen and then I started again because no one would listen and when you wanted to listen I couldn't tell you, I couldn't, not any more-"

"Why, Juliette?" I repeated hollowly.

"Because it's different now. Because you can't care properly about both me and Shelby at the same time. Because I knew you wouldn't understand-"

"Yes, I would have!" I impatiently injected incredulously.

"Then why are you reacting like this?" she screamed.

"Why didn't you come to me?" I yelled back heatedly.

"Look at the way you're reacting!" Juliette flailed her arms around before she buried her face in her arms.

"You swore. Remember how I made you swear?" Auggie snapped at me again. He relaxed his features as he focussed back on Juliette, bending over her in a protective position. "It's gonna be okay, Jules."

"I didn't know, okay?" I glared.

"La mierda del toro, Asqueroso," He spat and straightened up again.

"You're the one who broke up with her and walked out of her life completely, ass wipe!" I said defensively.

"Cojeda tú tú asno perra." He muttered.

"You gonna at least grow enough balls to insult me in English?"

"I said, you're a disgusting ass hole," Auggie snarled.

We stood shooting daggers at each other, retorts bubbling in our minds as each of us prepared to continue our sound off.

Meanwhile, Shelby was ignoring us both and had sat down next to Juliette on the couch. She silently put an arm around Juliette's shoulder. Juliette followed through with the invitation and leaned into the hug, crying against Shelby's jacket as she still hadn't found time to take it off.

"It's okay. You're okay. Things will be okay."

That finally broke Auggie and my glaring match and both of us realized we had just completely missed the point.

I forgot about Auggie for a moment and crouched in front of the girls.

"Juliette, you trusted me enough to come to me before." I sighed, trying to understand.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again.

"It's not your fault." Shelby murmured comfortingly.

"We all fall back once in a while, Twig." Auggie told her, sitting on her other side. He kissed the side of her head and took the hand that wasn't around Shelby. "I just wish I were here for you. I'm sorry I wasn't."

Some part of me must have known that I should have been apologizing too, but I couldn't. I couldn't grasp why she didn't come to me, it punctured me deeply to realize how far lost she had become. She was in _so_ deep, and hadn't come to me, for the first time since living with me. She had always come to me before, always. There was always trust there, but apparently now it was gone.

I angrily slammed the door to my room, not even bothering to say anything more. I couldn't live with the fact that she hadn't come to me, and I sure as hell couldn't swallow the fact that I hadn't gone to her. I should have noticed. I should have stopped this before it got this far. Here I was, thinking everything was okay, that she was okay, that we were good. When really, she was breaking down. I hadn't known. How could I not have known? What kind of a friend am I?

We all have our lapses, but I didn't know that she was having one and I couldn't handle that. The reality is, I'm so much more upset with myself than I could possibly be at Juliette.

I cursed the thin walls. I could hear the crying, and the comforting, and the questioning. I should be out there. I was continuing being a horrible friend by staying in this room, hiding from the realities that had been revealed. I was hiding from truth, and in the process I was ignoring Juliette's issues once again. I knew this, I knew that this was wrong, after all the times I had helped her, I knew what she needed. But I couldn't deliver it this time, because I just hadn't caught it in time.

Thanksgiving, the practice, she had been so happy. The grocery store- she had been so not. Why didn't I dig deeper? Why did I ignore my gut? Why did I let it get to this? I flopped on my bed and wiped my face. When did I become the type of person who ran away when things got rough? All right, so the drugs was kind of running away, and then, okay, I did run off my first day at Horizon…

Wow. What kind of a person am I, in general? I thought I had become a better person, a less selfish, less troubled person. But even now I thought more about myself than about others.

So some one else was curing her, someone else was being her shoulder to cry on.

And that hurt me almost as much as knowing that she was in pain in the first place. What kind of person was I? What kind of friend could I call myself?

* * *

AN: I'm pretty surprised that people thought Shel cheated on Scott, that would have been very, very sudden. Thanks for reviewing. 


	17. Guilted Anger

**Shelby**

Oh my God. Should I have seen this coming?

I knew something was off… I just didn't think it was this off. Scott had always rambled about how completely different Juliette was now… But people do relapse sometimes. Obviously, Scott didn't believe that.

I had literally only been back at the apartment for a minute before Auggie popped up, and two minutes later, Scott opened the door and Juliette shrieked and everything she was hiding was dragged out into the open. Drama, drama, drama, that's what our lives consisted of.

I wanted to shoot Scott, he was acting so immature. It was clear that he was somehow taking the whole thing personally. It figures that Juliette would have a problem and he would make it all about him. Like a wise counsellor once said, no matter how far along the human race became, the Alpha Male syndrome would never go away. At least Auggie made it clear he was concerned about her, Scott just ran away and sulked like an angry eight year old.

Juliette had already told us why she started cutting again; at least she did in a few short, detail-less sentences. From the way she was crying, I highly doubted we would get anything audible from her that night. I knew, though, that if she didn't tell us everything tonight there would be a good chance that she'd try another cover up the next morning if we tried to wait to ask her until she was calmer. Calmer for her meant better at faking it and lying to us. I didn't want to give her a chance to reassess the situation, change her mind about coming clean, and stick to pretending, denying, and altogether under toning her problem.

My desire to find the truth was at odds with the very plain fact that I'd be incredibly cruel to press her for everything when she was in this state. This wasn't good- I had only dealt with a Meltdown Mode Juliette twice in the time I knew her, and if she had changed as much as she seemed to have changed, I wouldn't have any idea how to properly handle the situation.

Thank God for Auggie. He took over in the hugging department and she clung to him tighter than I'd seen anyone cling before. Auggie seemed to have some sort of calming aura to him, because it didn't take too long for Juliette to be lulled into sleep.

"That's great, Aug. What're you going to do now, hold her all night?" I muttered, eyeing the uncomfortable posture he was forced to hold himself so as not to wake the girl in his arms.

"If she needs me to."

"Oh, really," I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "What happened between you two, anyways? Why are you back in town, and why did you separate in the first place? Do you know what happened tonight? How long are you in town for?"

"Shhh," Auggie urged, and slowly stood up. He made his way cautiously to Juliette's room and deposited her gently to her bed before resurfacing in the living room. "What happened between us is private. I'm back in town because I knew she needed me back in town, I just got here and I haven't spoken to her in like six months, of course I don't know what the hell is going on. I'll be in town for as long as she needs…or for the next month or two, whichever ends first."

"What did you say to Scott?" My curiosity got the better of me.

He smirked grimly at that. "Some things that a guy shouldn't say in front of a _lady_."

"Right. So what's the problem?"

"Funny, Shelby," he chuckled, "Nah, I kind of lost my temper. It was pretty rude stuff, pretty vulgar. I'm not gonna translate."

"How have you been, anyways, Auggie? I haven't spoken to you in, what, a year?"

"You had something against me, remember? I thought you were hot," he grinned. "I've been okay. I got a job, live with my family, got some good friends. Had to scrounge around for enough cash to get down here, but I managed."

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't think I just got the call from her yesterday, did you? She called me a while ago, and I've been saving and collecting money ever since to have enough to fly over. It was weird, I get this call on my machine one day, and no one says anything, it's just someone crying, you know? These soft sobs. And then she calls again, and I pick up this time, but she doesn't say anything. I knew it was her, and the fact that she was flipping out like that wigged me. What have you noticed about her lately?"

"She's been freakishly moody, snapping a lot, sleeping late, keeping to herself, holed in her room. I was a little worried but Scott assured me she was fine, so since he knew her better, I just let it go."

"What's with him, eh?"

"I seriously don't know," I sighed. I finally realized how tired I was, and thought that Auggie must be too after his long flight. "We should better just get some sleep. Deal with all this tomorrow."

"I'm assuming the guest room I used last time is your room now?" he smiled.

"Yeah. Sorry. The couch sound okay to you?"

"Sure, fine. I can make sure Jules doesn't run away in the morning, or whatever." He shrugged.

"Good," I stood up and fetched him a blanket, and threw him one of my two pillows. "Go to bed, tomorrow is not going to be pretty."

"That's probably an understatement," Auggie chuckled.

"That was some reception you got, though. Someone obviously misses you," I smiled.

Auggie grinned at that. "Yeah. That was nice."

"Do you see you two getting back together? I mean, come on, Juliette clearly still cares a lot about you, and you must as well for you to come all this way."

"I don't know," he confessed tiredly.

"Do you want to?"

Auggie just looked at me, a small smile on his lips, silence covering the air between us. After a moment, he said, "So. Did you miss me much while I was away? I heard you and Daisy went to Australia?"

"Yeah, it was great. You know, we never really got to know each other that well, even though you're so close with Scott and I talked to Juliette."

"You're not easy to talk to, Shelby," Auggie pointed out. "Hey, you think Jules will be okay?"

"We've been through worse," I shrugged. I finally got up off the couch, realizing I had told him to sleep and yet I wasn't exactly making it easy for him to do so. "But you've got to see something, Auggie. It's not Scott's fault. Don't blame him for this."

"He said he'd watch out for her."

"She's always been good at hiding."

"He said he'd protect her."

"He was. Look, both of us have just been preoccupied with each other since I got back from Australia. It's both of our faults if we haven't been clueing into Juliette's issues, but then again you can't blame us for her having problems. She's responsible for herself."

"You know as much as I do that she needs people to look out for her. If you made her feel isolated, you know how she'd react. I don't care what progress has been made, she's still Jules."

"And the Jules from Horizon needs you. Stick around for a while, Auggie."

"I will," he shrugged. "And now I'm going to go sleep- if you'll excuse me."

"Sorry," I sighed and made my way to my room.

After I shut the door behind me and sat down on my bed, I couldn't shut off my thoughts. I couldn't believe Auggie came back…

It was funny, that one conversation we just had was longer than any conversation we had ever had in all our time of knowing each other. And we only had it because both of the other people with us were asleep. This was good, though. Juliette did need people, and I didn't think anyone could help her more than Auggie could, unless, of course, we called down Peter. I grinned at that. Juliette would shoot me if we did that.

Then again, with things different now, was Auggie still the crucial key to all things Juliette? I know that Scott and her had gotten really close lately, but that didn't mean he was more in tune with her than Auggie, did it? It wasn't possible… at Horizon, against the odds, they had completely understood each other. She had discovered his dyslexia, he ran away to protect her, he made her love herself again. Both of them were so similar underneath their drastically different appearances. He was the guy on the wrong side of the tracks and she was Prom Queen material. But they were both sensitive, sometimes overly so, and they both depended on how others viewed them. They had a puppy love.

Puppy love doesn't normally last. I wondered if it had ever developed past that shallow stage. Scott and I had skipped that stage altogether and had gone from being reproachful to knee deep in complex longing and love, skipping the 'dating' stage.

Juliette really confuses me sometimes. I'm pretty good at reading people, but she's got an ability to throw me in a loop. The reason behind that was one I had long since identified- how can I figure out who someone really is when they haven't even figured that out themselves? Juliette doesn't know how to act, what to say, she's constantly trying to do what people expect of her. That drove me insane. For the entire first while in Horizon, I wanted to clonk her over the head with a frying pan because she was so ridiculously fake. She was so shallow, and so peppy, and so frivolous.

When she first met Scott, I wanted to throw up. How Scott ever could have gone out with her when she was like that is beyond me. That's not me bashing Juliette… if you had seen the way she beamed at him, the stupid cheesy lines she slathered on him, you would wonder at Scott too. After they broke up, she actually tried to "seduce" him. Please. As if she would even have sex before marriage.

The falseness to Juliette had always bugged me. I think she's finally recognizing who she is, who she wants to be. That's really a good thing. I just hope the change is permanent, and not another one of her facades. She's got so many, I occasionally wonder if she even knows what the real her is any more.

And Scott. Why the hell did he take everything so seriously tonight? He was behaving like she did everything on purpose, just to hurt him. After all that he had boasted about him and Juliette's friendship, I hadn't expected him to act anything like that. I sincerely hope he hadn't reacted like that every time she relapsed last year, geez.

He had no reason to flip out like that- yeah, she was cutting again right under his nose. Was he pissed that he couldn't play the hero this time around? Was he mad that Auggie was the cure, and he seemed to be part of the problem? Could he actually be selfish enough to make it all about him?

My thoughts shifted back towards the guilt factor. Why hadn't I thought to check if Juliette was cutting again? If I thought she wasn't eating properly, why didn't I make the connection that she may have been dabbling in more than just one past habit?

Was I also being selfish? I was so focussed on Scott, on making things exactly like they were before he spent a year with Juliette, that I wasn't anywhere near as concerned about her well being than about my relationship's well being.

What if Auggie did stay, for good? Would Juliette move out? Would I have Scott to myself? Would she never speak to us again?

What if Scott held this against me? What if he thought that it was my fault she reverted to her cutting, and the reason why he hadn't noticed?

God, I was making it about me. I suppose humans can't help but be selfish.

Thinking of Auggie and Juliette led my thoughts to stray to the other cliff hangers. They were the people who saved me, and here I was, two years later, and I didn't even talk to most of them. What if some of them had also reverted to their old ways? What if they weren't with people who knew them from their troubled days and no one around them noticed the signs? What if Horizon was only a temporary fix?

Ezra was such a heavy abuser. Who's to say that the temptation to get high was not stronger than his common sense? What if he's slowly dying out there?

I think Kat and Daisy have the best shots at functioning normally. Kat was always the most upstanding of all of us. Like a girl scout, or something. Her issues were with herself, and her past haunted her as well, but she couldn't be held responsible for that past nearly as much as we could. I can picture her as president one day, married to a certain Boy Scout type named Hank. Either that or helping Peter and Sophie, she always did have huge warm fuzzies for the school.

And Daisy, well Daisy's strong- I've always felt that she was the strongest of us all. She's so honest and an amazing friend, if anyone of us could move on from our sucky lives, it's her. Besides, when I left her in Australia, she was flourishing. The year there had done us both tremendous good, and if I hadn't had Scott, I would have stayed there like she did.

They did have people by them who cared, right? Through whatever shit they had to work through, they didn't have to do it alone? Or did they feel like Juliette did- alone, despite the presence of us?

I wondered if they ever thought about me. I wondered if I'd ever see them again.

Of course, then I got the bright idea that I should email Peter and suggest a reunion. He would laugh when he read that, no doubt. Of all the people to suggest something as sappy as that, my name probably wouldn't spring to mind.

Gah. Brain, shut up and let me sleep already.

If I couldn't fall asleep soon, I would be dead on my feet tomorrow, and I knew I'd need all my wits with me to keep up with Juliette and to keep a hold on my impatience and temper.

I stared at my door for a few seconds, as I realized with a gratified jolt that three of the cliffhangers were sleeping under this roof. It was already part way to a full reunion. It's just too bad that we needed a crisis to drag Auggie here and make everyone pay attention to each other.

Sleep, Shelby, come on…

* * *

**AN: **Thanks for the feedback, they really make writing that much more rewarding. Specific replies are in my forum, accessed through my profile. My PC recently got royally screwed up so hopefully that won't affect updates. And then I accidentally skipped a POV and I'm wondering how to incorporate it... I wrote a Shel/Jules/Shel sequence and totally forgot about putting a Scott in between XD 


	18. Leave Me Alone

**Juliette**

I woke up very muddled. I frowned at how disoriented I was, and realized I was still in my day clothes. From the darkness in the room, I could tell it wasn't any where near the time to get up, so I vaguely wondered what woke me up.

And then I remembered that Auggie was here, and that everyone knew now what happened. I wanted to shrivel up right there. The universe was mocking me, I swear. I had just decided to tell Scott what had been wrong lately when two minutes later, it was told for me. It wasn't fair… I knew that I should have said something earlier, I wanted to cry just thinking about the way they found out. And Scott… Scott hates me now. And Shelby pities me, and Auggie thinks I haven't changed at all.

I shifted into a sitting position, and curled against the corner of my bed against the wall. No doubt I would have to relay everything in meticulous detail in a few hours. But what if I wasn't ready? I hated being forced into talking about something. I hated being cornered, and treated like I was somehow younger and weaker than them, even though I really wasn't. Could I just lay here and not leave my room, ever?

Scott's reaction was not pleasant. I can't say I was surprised, though. We had made a pact once that we would always go to each other before either of could do anything drastically stupid- cutting in my case, drugs in his. I knew he thought I didn't trust him, I understood him enough to get that. I understood why he did what he did, but that didn't mean I wasn't hurt by it. I really would have liked him to stay with me… I felt like he had deserted me to two people who had no clue. Shelby and Auggie both hadn't dealt with any of my breakdowns after high school, and they don't really know how to act any more. They tried, I know that, but they don't know my nuances like Scott does, and it was like he didn't care enough to stick around.

"Juliette." Scott's incredibly impatient voice called out. I realized then that he must have been calling for me for a while now, and that was likely what had woken me up.

"I was sleeping." I murmured uncertainly.

"I know," he said, "So. How do you like them apples?"

I laughed at the randomness of his comment, "What?"

"Come on, haven't you ever seen Good Will Hunting?"

"Sure."

"_Cara-_mel or _car-_amel?"

"Both? Pepsi or coke?"

"Pepsi. Who would win in a fight? Peter or Roger?"

"That's tough. Roger, I think. Who would win in a fight, Ezra or David?"

"Ezra, because he'd have back up. Who would win in a fight, me or Auggie?"

"I would. I'd stop you both and send you to your respective corners."

He chuckled, and after a minute…

"I'm sorry," both of us blurted out simultaneously.

"You didn't trust me."

"You wouldn't listen."

"I don't want to go out there tomorrow…"

"I know you don't. I don't think you can get out of it."

"You weren't there for me earlier."

"You chose to tell Auggie and not me about all this."

"I can't do this any more."

"I wish the last few weeks would just disappear."

"I'm going to sleep now."

"I'm not going to let you."

"I have issues and I'm not going to talk about it yet."

"You do have issues, and I'd like it if you would tell me. Just me. Please?"

"You don't care."

"Of course I care!" I shifted away from the wall and again tried to block out the voice on the other end. "Juliette! I asked you what was wrong what seems like fifty times in the last few days. I wanted to be there for you and you didn't tell me anything. It'd be different if you weren't ready, but you called Auggie?"

"I didn't say anything- I hung up. I didn't think he'd fly across the globe because of a phone line going dead. And look at you. You're just jealous that Auggie helped me more than you did this time around, you're not actually concerned, are you?"

"Yes, I fucking am!"

"I don't want to fight any more!" I exclaimed hotly.

"I said I was sorry." His voice was so begrudging I glared at the wall and determinedly shut my eyes.

"Why'd you do it?" His voice was still harder than I would have liked it to be, so I continued ignoring him. "Juliette, please. Why'd you do it?" My silence was annoying him very quickly. "You know how dangerous and stupid that is. You know I was there for you… You know that wasn't the way to go."

"What I knew is that you pulled away from me, Shelby was infatuated with you, Auggie left me and flew to the other side of the world, Peter and Sophie haven't contacted us since last year, and my mom picked up and left the country and only told me as an afterthought in a letter without even giving me contact information. I was completely alone and if you deny that, it's your conscience lying to you. Because you weren't there, no one was. And I am not going to let the three of you interrogate me tomorrow morning- I won't. You treat me like some idiot fragile kid, but I'm not inferior to you and I never was. I need you more than I care to admit, Scott, and I don't want to need you any more. I need to rely on someone else because you have the emotional capacity of a thimble," My words came out a lot harsher than I meant them to, but I refused to back down. I curled up in my bed and pulled the blanket tighter around me as I prayed that he wouldn't respond.

"My stepmom crept into my room frequently and conned me into having sex with her to the point where I had to get high every day to forget reality because it scared me so much. My dad didn't believe me at first, Peter thought I was gay at first, I've had at least ten complete breakdowns in the last three years, I'm still a friggin mess, I'm not exactly stable, I don't let people in easily, I have issues with intimacy, and through it all I've been too freaked about it to tell very many people so don't give me that shit about oh poor you, how could I understand," Scott all but snarled. "Your mom left- that sucks. She told you in a letter- that stings. She didn't leave contact info- well, half the time you bitch about having to talk to her-"

"She doesn't want me over for Thanksgiving because they have to settle in," I interrupted. "They're supposed to be my family- don't you see? They're the only family I know and she doesn't want me there. It's a holiday-"

"I already told you that you could come to my place for Thanksgiving. Juliette, she's not the only family you have, I've been trying to be your family for the past year, and I've been trying to show you that my family is your family. You're not alone, no matter what I've done that might have shown otherwise, it was selfish for you to do that to yourself, it was selfish of me not to notice, your mom is really rude to have done that to you, and I'm sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear? I am sorry for whatever it is that you seem to be stewing over, I'm sorry that your mom did that and you shrunk away and blamed me, I'm sorry that I've been getting closer to the love of life and showing you in the process how you somehow screwed things over with Auggie, I'm sorry for any part I had in your relapse, and I'm sorry that you're in pain. But take some responsibility for yourself. You can't blame everyone else; you can't blame all the circumstances. Listen. It wasn't your fault that your mom left, it wasn't your fault I pulled away from you- you didn't do anything to influence either of those. But it is, completely and wholly, your personal fault that you've been sitting in your room hacking away at your arms." He went into a tirade, a very long-winded tirade that managed to comfort, reassure, and offend me all at once. "And I will not let you off the hook just because I feel bad for you. Doing that won't help you, and that's what I want to do."

"What is this? Tough love?"

"It's me being severely pissed off that you didn't come to before. I do fucking care, and you were a moron for wallowing in self pity instead of asking for help."

"Screw you!"

That managed to shut him up at last, leaving me to be torn between being touched that he was so intense about me and angry that he had again made it about himself. I needed him to tell me it wasn't my fault… those were the curing words, and he wouldn't just say them simply. No, he knew that's what I needed, but he had to go and preach to me.

Thinking of Auggie and Shelby doing likewise for the morning made me shudder.

I was awoken to the sound of a knock on my door in the morning. It was nine am, and Auggie was trying to be polite. I smiled vaguely at him.

"Hey. You awake?" Auggie asked me quietly. I wanted to dive under the covers and hide out, never leaving the room.

"Not if it means I have to go out there," I answered honestly.

He smiled comfortingly at me and sat down beside me on my bed. "It won't be that bad, Jules. We just want to help you."

"I know. And hey, you did fly all the way over here. I guess I can't very well not tell you anything."

"Jules, I'm not leaving tomorrow or anything. I can stay as long as you need."

"Thanks." I took his outstretched hand and let him help me up. "I've really missed you…"

"Me too, Twig. More than you can know," Auggie told me as he put an arm around my shoulders. "I know we didn't really leave on good terms, but I didn't stop caring about you, ever, and you can still call me up."

"I didn't think I deserved to."

"I don't want you out of my life completely."

"Come on, guys. Let's hold off on the happy reunion for ten minutes and get back to why Auggie came in the first place," Shelby interjected as she poked her head through the open door.

I sighed and followed her lead out of my room, glancing at Auggie for reassurance. His eyes were still so soft around me, despite everything that had happened and despite the hurt he had harboured last time we spoke. I could tell that he was still in love with me, and though I was warmed by the thought, I also felt uncomfortably guilty. He wanted the best for me, and even now he would drop everything for me. I couldn't reciprocate that kind of loyalty; I knew I would only end up hurting him again. But it felt so nice to have someone look at me like that that a little voice in my head told me to disregard the guilt. I still cared about him, I still loved him. And at the appearance of that thought, I wondered if we couldn't make things work again. He was here for me, and I wondered if he wanted to try 'us' again.

"It's not like I tried to kill myself," the words just blurted out. I didn't mean to say that, but being between the rather intimidating stance of having Shelby and Auggie box me in around the kitchen island prodded a stupid reaction.

"The way you were going, you might just have," Shelby said, offering me juice. I declined and turned my head to study the tips of my hair. I didn't want to be cooperative; I didn't want to be doing this- not here, not now, not like I was some naughty child being admonished.

"Jules, do you want to talk about it?" Auggie soothingly asked.

I looked up, dropped the strand of my hair, and made myself meet his warm gaze. He was bent slightly towards me, his arms against the counter; his hands inches from my own. I wanted to hug him. I looked at Shelby, who was standing with her legs shoulder width apart and her arms uneasily at her side- a defensive battle stance of sorts, as if she was bracing herself for a heated fight. Good cop, bad cop?

"Are you going to let me leave if I say no?" I responded bluntly, jutting out my jaw.

Auggie's hand twitched, as if he wanted to wrap it around my own. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, I don't want to pressure you into sayin anything you're not ready to say. Of course we'd let you go."

"But we should really get this done with now. Once it's out in the open, things will be a lot less tense. It's for the best to just let us help you as soon as possible." Shelby interjected, subtly elbowing Auggie in the ribs.

There was a moment of stubborn silence.

"Wait. Shouldn't Meat be out here, too?" Auggie said, realizing that one member of their inquisitorial squad was missing.

At the mention of his name, Scott surfaced out of his room. He had obviously been lingering in his doorway, battling between not interfering and coming out. His expression was a mask of gloom; his broody glare that Shelby and I had nearly died over from that first year had returned.

"Yeah. I'm here," Scott muttered, walking towards the island. This would be a stupid time to once again appreciate the (very, very nice) bare stomach he seemed so oblivious to be revealing, but my eyes flicked down regardless. They flicked right back up to his face, but he wasn't looking at me, he was staring at Shelby, and occasionally Auggie. When he spoke next, he wasn't looking at either of us, instead looking at someplace beyond the kitchen.

"Let her go."

"What?" Shelby frowned.

"It's obvious she doesn't want to be here. Let her go."

"Scott, we need-"

"You can't just fire questions at her, and sit there and stare like she's some kid you know who stole a chocolate bar. You guys are acting like you're superior, like you know better than she does. Stop it. None of us do. We're all as equally fucked up, and making her hate you by forcing her to confess before she's ready isn't going to help her in the least. So let her go," Scott said, edgily at first but ending gently.

"If all of us waited to call her on her shit when she was ready, we wouldn't have found out anything yet- and she'd probably be on her way to bleeding herself to death." Shelby reproachfully said.

"Jules, go," Scott nodded at me, ignored Shelby, and started to keep walking. He still hadn't looked any of us in the eye, and it was bugging Shelby from the look on her face.

I didn't need telling twice and I slid out of my stool and pulled away from the kitchen. Auggie's hand gave mine a squeeze as I left the island, and I smiled at him silently. I glanced at Shelby, who looked lost, and told her not to worry about me, that I'd be back in a bit and I would, eventually, be ready to talk to her.

Scott had, by this time, quietly made his way towards the washroom. As I walked by the washroom on my way out the front door, I looked at him but his eyes were still looking elsewhere. Just as I was about to leave, I felt his fingers touch my bare elbow. A tiny show of comfort, but a significant one that I recognized and appreciated. My hand reached out to brush his hand, just a brief moment of contact to convey my thanks. I wanted him to look at me, and tell me that everything would be okay, that he would always be there if I wanted to talk. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and never let go. I wanted a grand gesture to reassure me that he was there, he would always be there, and he would always care.

But as I walked out the door and he disappeared in this washroom and turned on the shower, I realized that I didn't need him to. He already had. One touch of the elbow was enough to show me that he did care, he was there, and he hadn't forgotten me. Even if he was looking away, even if it wasn't something distinguishable, I knew that in his way, Scott was telling me that he truly did care, he was truly sorry, and yeah- everything would be all right.

Or at least, that was what we both hoped.


	19. Thinking Back

**Scott**

I suck ass at apologies. That's a known, recognized, accepted, and discarded fact. I can play football well, I'm fairly bright, charismatic when I want to be, good looking, well off, somewhat musical, and people have said that I'm pretty much good at everything I try. Golden boy, again. But if there is one major fault of mine that people can't stand, it's definitely my inability to apologize.

I hate admitting I'm wrong, I hate being sincere about admitting I'm wrong, and I hardly ever utter an apology that doesn't sound exasperated, angry, patronizing, or completely snarky. It's not my fault- it's just in my make up.

Shelby, especially, always hated my half hearted apologies. I usually only apologize when I'm absolutely certain that there's no other way to stop the arguing. And if I'm not actually feeling bad about whatever it is that warrants an apology, the words come out unfriendly. The whole fiasco with Shelby back when we first started going out in grade eleven perfectly proves how stubborn and stingy I am with saying I'm sorry.

Okay, so I'm not actually taking responsibility for being kind of dick like to Juliette. In my defence, I did feel remorseful enough to attempt to smooth things over through our well worn between the wall method. And it was going well enough, until I couldn't leave things at the shallow depths anymore.

Before I really start sounding like an ass, I'm like to say that I'm really only so incredibly stubborn and pig headed when I really, really care about them. Both Shelby and Juliette are excellent examples of this. I'm not mean because I don't like them, it's just always hard to swallow all of this when I do care a lot about them.

Maybe I'm not really all that good at showing people that I care about them. I never thought I had an issue in that department, but perhaps when I get seriously pissy people doubt the reasons why I'm so mad. And I was really actually panicked about the whole Juliette thing, which is why I couldn't just let her sleep. I thought that maybe she would see this as endearing, yet I somehow managed to make things worse and she ignored me pretty soon after I initiated the conversation.

Thinking of all the things I've been through and experienced with Juliette led me to the moment where I first really realized that we could seriously be good friends. Before that we were acquaintances we didn't talk as much as we should have for two people who had dated, but after that moment I figured that I shouldn't just let our friendship die when we went out into the real world.

It was the Morp. I had just told Shelby I loved her for the first time ever, she said it back, and the dance we shared was amazing. After spending a solid hour wrapped up in each other, we finally separated and began to pay just a bit more attention to everyone else. I was still filled with this freakishly content glow and the world was nice, things were right, and life was great.

Juliette was similarly giddy, from what I could tell. She and Auggie were blossoming into their fiercely devoted and fairly adorable relationship, and her wide loopy grin probably looked eerily similar to the expression on my own face. I grinned wider at her bliss and grabbed her hand and danced this insanely dorky dance with her.

"This year wasn't so bad, huh?" I said.

"You came back!" She had already noticed me when I made my grand entrance, but we hadn't actually spoken at all that night until now.

"Yeah. Couldn't miss Horizon's own messed up version of prom, could I?"

"Are you staying? For good? For Senior year?" Juliette was all excited, but that was the one question that had the power to bring me down a bit. Shelby had avoided the question, it hadn't come up but I knew that wasn't the reason why she didn't ask. It wasn't something that could be forgotten, but I got the feeling that Shel hadn't wanted to hear the answer.

"No. I begged my dad to let me come back for this, but I've to go back home at-"

"Midnight?"

"That's so Cinderella. Nah, I've got until 8 AM tomorrow."

"And then you're never coming back?"

"Don't be so dramatic. What, do I annoy you that much?" I joked.

"You will visit, right?"

"Of course."

"And write?"

"Juliette, it's called the phone."

"Then you'll call?"

"Yes! Jesus, I didn't come back here just to say goodbye again and never talk to any of you again."

"Shelby's really lucky. You must really love her."

"Auggie too."

"Things did turn out pretty well this year, didn't they?" she grinned. The song ended, and a slower one started up. I didn't think anything of it and took her hand (like I said, the last song was pretty wild, and we hadn't actually danced with bodily contact). But then Peter announced that it would be the last dance of the night.

"You should probably dance the last dance with Shelby. And Auggie's looking pretty lonely by the punch, too," Jules commented. I nodded in agreement and she let go of my hand. Just as I was about to make my way to Shel, Juliette suddenly threw her arms around me and squeezed.

I laughed and patted her back awkwardly, "What's that for? We've already done the whole hugging goodbye thing, and I'm still here until tomorrow morning."

"It's in case I don't see you tomorrow. And if you don't visit. And if we never do see each other again. This was the best night ever, and that's partly because you came back one last time. I'm really going to miss you, Scott. Take good care of yourself back home." Her chipper voice had given way to the little sad tin that goodbyes seemed to always have. I stopped patting her shoulder and sympathetically wrapped my own arms around her and hugged her back warmly.

"Hey. Don't worry about it. I'll be fine, and I promise you- I'm not going to forget to call. I'll still see all you Cliff hangers again. And I'll miss you all too."

"What if we don't see each other again for another twenty years or something?"

"Relax. It's not going to happen. We're friends, you know?"

"Not a skank, but a woman and your friend, right?" Juliette stuck out her tongue and gave me another squeeze before pulling away, "Have a good senior year. Good luck out there."

"Thanks," I smiled. "You too. I'll be seeing you." And then we both drifted from each other in search of our respective boy/girlfriends. At that moment, that look in her eye and that sadness in her voice, I was reminded sharply in a way I hadn't really noticed before that Juliette was the only Cliff hanger who walked me all the way to the edge of my car right before I left. She was a really sweet girl, and I knew then that she did rely on me a tiny bit, even at that early stage. And I saw that I would kind of miss her, and I found myself wishing that our relationship had been more amicable in the time I had at Horizon.

My eyes scanned over the crowd of happy faces; the content closed eyes of both Kat and Hank, the outwardly joyful laughter coming from Peter and Sophie, the quiet comfort that Auggie and Juliette shared, Ezra, Daisy, David… at that moment, everyone was truly happy. We were free from our little demons.

I found Shelby and we danced for the fiftieth time that night, but it didn't feel any less special than it did when we danced our first dance. She leaned into my shoulder and clutched tightly at me. When I leaned down to kiss her, I felt the tears flowing down her cheeks and asked her about it out of concern.

"This is just so perfect," she had told me quietly with a smile. I beamed back, but then she added almost inaudibly, "And it's all going to end."

"Ah, Shel…"

"You're leaving again, aren't you?"

"Yes. But that's not the end. We'll make it work. I love you too much not to make it work."

"It's never going to be this perfect again, is it?"

"No, Shelb, it's going to get even better." We smiled in this synchronized way that I used to find cheesy with couples, but at the moment all I could think about was how perfect she was for me and what a lucky son of a bitch I was to be with her now and always.

Since it was my last night there, I probably could have had the rules relaxed by Peter and Sophie, especially considering that the two of them hadn't escaped from the romance of the night, but me being me, I didn't bother asking. After lights out, I rallied the guys in my dorm together, very cheekily threw pebbles at the windows of the girl's dorm, and the entire lot of us gathered together outside. We went far enough away from the staff's quarters to be unheard but close enough so we couldn't be charged for being off campus, and that whole night long I made the absolute best of my last night at Horizon. I was determined to make this night happy, fun, and wild, instead of sombre, depressing, and final like my last farewell. I was going to go out with a bang, have mindless enjoyment that I'd remember forever, and make this night the best I've ever had at the school. My ambition worked. Somehow, we had managed to get a hold of some alcohol- the quantity was scarce so we all had to share it and therefore none of us got hammered, but it was amazing nonetheless. Well, actually, Juliette and Daisy both got pretty smashed considering how little they drank. It was very funny. The entire night was awesome. We talked about everything, swam in the lake, stared at the stars, joked about every topic, and acted more carefree than I'd ever seen any of them act before.

The sun rose, and we saw it and snuck back into our rooms only to resurface fifteen minutes later for breakfast. This time, everyone walked me to my car. I gave them all some sort of embrace and then saluted them mockingly with a wide grin on my face before I boarded my ride. There was no use crying about my leaving this time around, and I was grateful for this second farewell.

I didn't end up talking to anyone besides Shelby, Peter, and Auggie for another four months, which is why I still remember everyone's last words to me. I refused to listen to anything Shelby had to say, because I told her I'd call her that night and it wasn't an actual good bye. It was all pretty standard stuff, we all promised to keep in touch and all that crap. I told Auggie to look after himself and take care of Juliette, and I told Jules to call me up if she wanted. I told Kat the real world wasn't as scary as she was worried it would be, hugged Daisy and just said a simple thank you, gave Ezra a half man-hug, gave this wide grin that infected everyone else, and left with no crying from any one. It was nice.

I showed up for their graduation. I could not just miss that, not when I knew them so well. Shelby was at my side for my own grad, too. I can honestly say those days were one of the saddest I've had. It dawned on me that I wasn't a kid anymore; I would be treated like an actual adult with all the rights and responsibilities that came with it. And it scared me because I was never really a kid, I didn't get the carefree grace period granted to teens, and I felt gypped. I didn't want responsibility. Everyone would go their separate ways and nothing would be the same again.

Except we didn't have to go our separate ways. I still had Shel, who stayed with me all summer, making it the best summer in my entire life. And then Jules told me she was going to my university, and we decided to move in together. It was really different than what I had been expecting- and I was intensely relieved.

I realized we could be good friends after Morp, but I actually started building up our friendship the day we discussed moving in together. The effect that statement had on both of us was instantaneous and we both lowered our guards- we might as well, since we'd be spending the next few years together.

Funnily enough, she was starkly different from the girl I had assumed her to be. Maybe she grew a lot in Horizon, or maybe I just never took the time to properly get to know her.

The day we moved in was awesome. The sun was shining, our parents were giddy, everything went well. I wish. It was horrible. She had gotten to the apartment first and when I walked in with my parents and we almost crashed into her mother, it was clear that she, as well as I, had omitted the exact nature of our roommate. Her mother fixed a hawk like gaze upon me, my mom narrowed her eyes and my dad looked at me questioningly.

"Is this another hoax or did you finally realize that this was the proper boy to be with?" Juliette's mother spoke first in a blasé voice. Nice ice breaker. I glanced at Juliette and saw her face burn as she bowed her head. I guess her mom never did accept Auggie fully.

"We're just friends," I offered.

Obviously, our parents believed we were somehow sleeping together. Even though both of us were in committed relationships and both sets of parents had met our actual girl/boyfriends.

My dad didn't think it'd be the best idea, and my mom was a bit doubtful. Juliette's mom seemed to be acting like this was a bit of a gift from God and maybe I'd rub off on her. Maybe she forgot that I was from Horizon too.

There was a lot of awkward moments and shouted arguments (the former mainly consisting of my family and the latter Juliette's). They finally left, but we found that the silence between just the two of us wasn't much better than the parental phase.

"This was a bad idea…" Juliette murmured doubtfully.

"Nah. It'll be fun," I grinned. The next two weeks would prove hellish- she used up the hot water daily before I could reach it, I managed to empty the fridge despite her bi-weekly grocery ritual, and both our annoying habits drove each other off the wall. I stayed up until four every morning the first week to call Shelby, and when I wasn't calling her, I was bitching about not being able to call her. It didn't help that Juliette and I were pretty much a little stiff with each other still, what with politeness and all. That eventually aired itself out, but I felt like despite the stuff we knew about each other and the things we've shared, we were still little more than acquaintances.

And now we were back to that.

Don't I feel like a prick now.


	20. Anger? What Anger?

**Shelby **

He let her go. Every instinct in me said it would be incredibly stupid to let Juliette have more time to post pone the moment of actual confession, and he let her go. He didn't even consult us!

I glared at Scott, my lips turned into a displeased frown, my eyes narrowed as the door shut behind Juliette. Scott barely blinked an eye at my anger, his features not even displaying the hint of an apology as he disappeared behind the washroom door.

I whirled around to face Auggie, expecting him to be equally disgruntled, but he didn't appear to be mad at all.

"Can you believe him?" I said.

Auggie looked up from his breakfast plate and merely shrugged.

"That's all? He dismisses our opinion completely and lets her go without even bothering to pretend to take our concerns into consideration, he lets her go when she's likely only going to find a way to worm her way out of ever having to tell us what happened, and you just sit there and shrug?" I was not happy. "What is wrong with you? You fly across the planet to make sure she's okay and you don't even care when she just walks out?"

"She wasn't ready-"

"She's never going to be ready. We just have to do it. Can't anyone see that?" I hissed. "Do you think she'll ever want to have a conversation with us about why she started cutting again? Do you think she'll ever volunteer to be in a position of vulnerability? No. I know you two are all about her comfort levels first, but that's not going to help her in the long run!"

"Calm down! You're acting like we just threw away her life, and the way you're talking it's like you think you're the only one who cares about her. I'd like to remind you that out of all of us, you're the one who knows her the least," said Auggie rationally, a twitch in his jaw revealing his inner battle to keep a lid on his temper. "You don't always know best, Shelby, okay?"

"You left her for a full year, and Scott's been pretending not to notice that anything's off with her- I'd say right now, I do know her best, and I seem to be the one who cares the most." I snapped. I gave up on Auggie and turned my attention back to Scott.

I marched over to the washroom and banged loudly on the door. I didn't care that he was in the shower; I wasn't going to stop knocking until he stopped ignoring me. After a moment, I heard the water shut off.

"What?" Scott impatiently demanded through the shut door.

"Open the door. We're talking about how out of line you were, deciding to just let Juliette go like that. Open up! Put on a damn towel, suck it up, and show your face right now."

I could hear him let out an exasperated sigh and then the door jingled slightly as he opened it. His hair was obviously sopping wet and plastered to his head, the curls appeared straight as they flopped against his skin. Beads of water trailed down all over his body; from the tips of his hair down his face, over his shoulders, gliding through his abs and then disappearing down his towel. God, brain, way to pick out the subtleties of his body at the worst possible moment…

"You can't just do that." I snarled, swallowing the happy little buzz I still got at seeing him wet and shirtless. "You can't just overrule-"

"Overrule? What is she, a prisoner? What do you think you are, her guard? This isn't a democracy, I don't have to consult with you before doing something. We're not a friggin team. You think you know everything, you think you alone know what the right way to go is, but you don't know shit. Okay, so you can read people. Okay, so you can get through to her. I know her better than you, Auggie's closer to her than you ever were, and both of us can handle this without you- so stop acting like you're the ringleader and we're your cronies!" Scott interrupted me to lay it down thick on me.

My mouth dropped open in surprise, "Excuse me? That's really rude of you-"

"It's the truth. Don't look at me like that. We're equals, not superiors. I'll talk to her when she's ready."

"When she's ready? What if she's never ready?"

"She will be."

"_You'll_ talk to her? What happened to we? I'm not just gonna sit there and do nothing," Auggie interjected, standing up.

"Where were you this whole year?" Scott turned on him.

"I left for her sake- to make things easier for both of you. I wanted to be there for her; she didn't." Auggie answered.

"Bullshit. She cried for like two weeks straight after you left-"

Auggie opened his mouth to respond, but he quickly snapped it shut. "I'm not going to fight with you, Meat. We're friends. Let's keep it that way, okay?"

"You guys are impossible. How do you know that she didn't go off somewhere and start cutting, at this moment? How do you know she's even going to come back to the apartment instead of just running? In case you forgot, that was what she did when she was discovered in Horizon. She ran. And don't go telling me she's all different now, if she was all different, she wouldn't have started cutting again." I said loudly.

"She wouldn't." Scott said.

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"You didn't think she would start throwing up again, did you?" I retorted.

"She's not going to do that." Auggie agreed. "She wouldn't."

"If she winds up dead, it's both your fault," I gritted my teeth and grabbed my coat, ready to walk out.

"Don't be so self righteous." Scott snorted. I turned to snap at him, but he had already retreated back in the washroom. I glared at the newly shut door and threw the closest thing I could find at the door- his shoe. It didn't make him come out again, so with one more deadly glare directed at Auggie, I strode out away and slammed the door.

A minute later, the door reopened from behind me and there was Scott, clad in just a pair of jeans. He jogged to catch up with me and thrust out his hand to stop me from moving away.

"Look. Don't worry. Things will work themselves out, all right? Don't be all pissed at me."

"You were the one being rude."

"I'm sick of all of this- this disagreeing. Can't we agree on anything?" He stuffed his hands in his pocket and slouched slightly in front of me, resulting in the illusion of vulnerability that I wasn't going to buy, no matter how nice he looked.

"You don't let me do anything- it's like you think you and Juliette have this super exclusive, super close bond that no one can penetrate and no one else can help her, get her, like you do. It's frustrating."

"I just don't like being told what to do, okay? And I do think I know her better than you do."

"I don't want to let her go like that... I'm just worried."

Scott smiled slightly and pressed his lips against my forehead. "Don't worry. Nothing bad's going to happen."

I looked into his comforting eyes and sighed. "That's because bad stuff has already happened."

"Don't you trust me? I'll make things okay again." Scott told me.

"Don't you trust me? My gut's telling me that we shouldn't have let her go. Who's opinion do we go with when we clash like this, huh? Yours on default?"

"Shelby, we didn't have time to go back and actually huddle in a circle and discuss how to handle the situation. I did what I thought was right."

"You got in the way of what I thought to be right. You don't even take my opinions about the situation into account!"

"It's not about you, Shelby," his voice was trying to come off as gentle, but I could make out the trace of exasperation hidden in the inflections. That, and everytime he wanted to patronize me, he used my name often. As if saying it would somehow brainwash me into having sympathy for him and agreeing with whatever it was he was trying to make me agree to.

"And you actually think it's about you, then?" I couldn't help it, I crossed my arms.

"Maybe. At least a little." Scott shrugged, trying to tread carefully.

"How?"

"She feels like she couldn't come to me- and it being as though I'm the guy she normally goes to when she's in trouble, that means a lot. It's partially my fault that she resorted to cutting, and it's partially my fault she had the emotions to cut in the first place. So I'm gonna fix it."

"You don't know everything."

"I'm not trying to brush you off."

"It sure feels like you are." I stubbornly grumbled, turning away from his approaching form.

"I'm sorry, then."

He was so predictable- right now, he was reverting to the superficiality diversion- he would come closer to me, wrap his arms around me, and kiss my neck, jaw, collar bone, until I stopped being mad and just kissed his lips. It was his tactic to either make me forgive him, or make me forget about an argument he was tired of being in but too tired to just end abruptly in the danger of making things worse with me. I also thought of it as Scott's Blinding Hotness defensive manoeuvre. The man was shameless.

"Stop it. We're going to talk about this. Why won't you just let me help her too?" I took a step back as he took another slow step forward, his expression unreadable. And then his hands were against my shoulders and upward towards my neck and chin. He never worked quickly, preferring to draw out the process to prod me into making the final 10 in leaning in to kiss him. I wasn't going to let him distract me this time.

Except he leaned in at an agonizing pace; his eyes bore into mine with startling clarity, before flickering down to my nose and lips and back up again. I knew what he was doing- I had once very foolishly murmured that I really liked his eyelashes and at the moment he was looking down so that his luxurious lashes fanned out visibly. He knew I got disconcerted every time he stared straight into my eyes unblinkingly, and he was doing that, too. God, I loved his eyes...

His hair was still wet and endearingly drooped downwards, incidentally towards me. And the mischievous man hadn't grabbed a shirt, so I had to force myself to match his stare and not look at his form. Scott was doing his sexy pose- lips at a minor pout (damn, I love his lips...), unblinking eyes (how in the hell can he stay that long without blinking?), hands stroking my face (under the calluses from football lay shockingly soft skin), and an expression between sullenness and pleading. The water dropping against his face wasn't helping my cause.

"Shel... let's just forget about all this. I care about you too much to fight so much."

I hated that line. It was his way of worming out of solving any problems, his way of avoiding awkward questions.

"I hate you, you know," I quietly muttered seriously. My face gave into an indulgent grin and I quickly crushed my lips against his, my arm finding its way around his neck. His hands doubled their strength around my face and he leaned down over me, kissing me back with varying pressure. I could feel the satisfied, amused smile on his face, but I was too pre-occupied to comment on it.

Scott somehow managed to shift me over to the wall without my conscious knowledge of it, and his lips were working steadily at making me forget about any little squabble. He was gifted that way, but so was I. I bit down on his lip lightly, teasingly, and pressed him closer to me- easily eliciting a soft little moan from his throat.

My hands shifted to his bare chest and I scraped my nails over the surface. I could drive his mind in circles, and make his body beg for more.

But not any more today. When I could make him cry out first, I still had the power. And with that tidbit in mind, I gave him one last forceful kiss before digging my nails in harder to his skin and pushing him off of me.

"Your stupid trick didn't work this time. I'm not distracted." I grinned.

"Really? You looked pretty distracted to me," he smirked.

"You're annoying, you know that?"

"It's not my fault you can't resist me."

"You only bought yourself another few hours. When I come back from work, we're talking- and to Juliette, too. You're not going to get away that easily."

"But this way is so much fun!"

I laughed and entwined my hand in his and pecked him lightly. "Damn you, but you're right."

He gave me another cheeky smile and I smacked his chest and told him to go inside before he froze... or before one of our neighbours caught sight of him and tried to get in his pants again. Believe me, it's happened. There have been a reasonable amount of women who regularly flirt and ask him if he's still seeing someone. They so obviously undress him with their eyes that this sight would likely cause a couple of heart attacks or spontaneous orgasms.

"You can't kiss away all our problems."

"I can try. Seducing you is so much fun."

I rolled my eyes and started to walk away, but not before he smacked my ass good naturedly. He was so immature. And yet somehow, he had successfully drove Juliette from my concerns and put a smile back on my face that would likely last the rest of the day. Idiot man. I grinned and strode off before I could change my mind and end up late for work for making out with my boyfriend for an hour. I hated and loved the affect he had on me.

Stupid Scott.

Damn I loved him.

* * *

AN: Thanks for the feedback! Grrawg I'm spazzing at the moment because relatives have invaded my house and I'm being dragged off for a week to scenery I've seen loads of times before, not to mention my pc is, once more, on the fritz and I can barely ever get on. Luckily, I have 3 chaps pre-written so updates shouldn't be affected as I should be home by next sunday night to put up a new chapter. As for the winding down, haha I've got the rest of the fic planned out and there's still a good chunk left. 

Just because it's too early to rant to anyone I know in real life, I need to point out how SUCKY it is when people cancel at the very last second. 5 people just backed out of my 16th bday party today, yesterday, or the day before- and it's this afternoon!


	21. He Makes Me Happy

**Juliette**

Did I want to see my other friends? No.

Did I want to go shopping for the hundredth time this week? No.

Did I want to do anything in this suddenly stifling city? Absolutely not.

Was I running away again? Meh. Possibly.

I ended up sitting on top of a saddle, coaxing my horse to trot faster. I had to bus for three hours (my car wouldn't be out of the shop until tonight), but it was worth it.

Back at home, I had my own stable, my own ranch beside the house. Well, the house I preferred to live in, at least. We had another one that was more urban. Both were big and majestic, but the one without the ranch was surrounded by a distinctly snobby encircling of houses- it was among the richest part of town. My home was a little more relaxed, a little separated from the city. I say a little because my mother never would have stood for being in a place situated too far from the core of the city. I could still get to the mall in less than an hour, and the house was far from appearing like that of a farmer's daughters. It looked out of place next to the stables, but my father found it cute to supply his daughter with a pony or two. My first stepdad, that is. He was intent on winning me over, which he easily did. My affection was easily bought.

I remembered how Shelby was better with the horse at Horizon than I was, how it was she who found little lost Gracie, how she had gotten the role of Juliet in Ezra's play. I used to envy her so much. I can't say that I don't any more, but I'm trying at least.

I didn't want to go back to the apartment. Scott had bought me some time, but from the look on Shelby's face as I left, I knew that she would bluntly make me talk or at least hover around me until I was ready to talk, as soon as I got back. It's not that I resent her concern, I just didn't want her to breathe down my neck, simply because around her I always seemed to cave in sooner than anticipated. She was so unpredictable and her aura always subtly coaxed the issue out into the open. Scott was easily manoeuvrable; I knew his tricks. And Auggie… looking at him with his patient worry would have me telling all my secrets before long. It hurt me so much to look at him and know that I had thrown away any chance of seeing him on a regular basis.

Of course, if I really didn't want to go back, I could easily have stayed with one of my non-Horizon campus friends.

I wish I could be able to say that I was too strong and proud to run away like that, but I ended up holing myself in with a sorority I had almost joined. I was friends with the leader or whatever they called her, and all I had to say was a brief mention of how my ex-boyfriend was back in town and how he wasstaying with his best friend who just happened to be my roommate and they clucked sympathetically with their manicured hands wide open. It's not like I just disappeared without telling my roommates- I sent Shelby an email explaining where I was, apologizing and telling her not to get mad at the boys.

I could have stayed longer; it was certainly comforting. Everything was easy there, I knew how to handle these situations without effort or thought. It felt natural and so much less worrisome than the apartment. Of course, I tore myself away from their sisterhood embrace and ended up staring at my apartment door just a week after I hid out.

I guess it wouldn't have been fair for Auggie. It wouldn't have been right to avoid him after he came this way. Besides, Scott had another football practice and Shelby had work, so I should be able to be at relative comfort level. For tonight.

Wait. If both of the blondes are out, what did they leave Auggie to do?

"How long have you been by yourself?" I blurted incredulously as I crossed through the kitchen to the living room to find him staring at the TV.

"Only an hour or so. Shelby didn't leave too long ago. You okay now? Finally got tired of running?"

"I'm sorry. How have you spent your time this past week? Shelby and Scott are pretty busy."

"Not too busy. It hasn't been bad, met up with some new people, talked to E-Z recently, actually. But then, I'm not the one who hasn't shown their face for the past week-"

"No, you're the one who hasn't shown their face for the past year."

"Jules-"

"Never mind that. I shouldn't have said it."

"You're done running, right? Ready to talk, maybe?"

"Can't we talk about what _you've_ done this past year?"

"Okay," Auggie grinned, holding his hands up. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything." I smiled and sat beside him, leaning against him instinctively.

By the time Scott came back from football practice, Auggie and I were deeply in an animated conversation, food was strewn around us and I actually consumed quite a bit of it.

Somewhere during the night, we had fetched some drinks from the fridge and I was halfway through my third beer. They aren't supposed to be very strong, but I'm not exactly a champion drinker. I wasn't drunk, but if I had much more I would be. The empty cans were lined up over the coffee table, for once my neatness had given way. Our cans combined totalled ten, since Auggie insisted on doing shots and various ridiculous drinking games which he always feigned losing. He was a bit more tipsy than I, as should be obvious. I'm sure Scott looked at it all with a very sceptical eye when he popped in that night.

"You came back!" Scott exclaimed with obvious relief. It was in interruption of a conversation, so I grinned and nodded enthusiastically while finishing my sentence to Auggie. Scott's smile faded as he scanned over the living room, his eyes lingering on the alcohol. I could see what he was thinking- Juliette doesn't drink. He looked at Auggie, who happened to be a happy drunk, and frowned further. "Fuck man, did you get her drunk?"

"I'm not drunk." I protested.

"Prove it."

"You've seen me drunk."

"I've seen you get drunk on less than half of those cans-"

"And more than half are Auggie's. Sheesh. That's what you say after a week from my hiding out in refuge? Auggie was more receptive."

"Was he drunk when you came, too?" Scott raised his eyebrows but slowly helped himself to some cheerio snack mix. "How were the girls?"

"Good."

"And you?"

"Fine. Thanks for bailing me out last week."

"I didn't think you'd run, Juliette. I thought-"

"You were wrong then, weren't you? Don't know me as well as you think."

"What the hell is with the grrr?" He said defensively. "I bail you out and you repay me by disappearing and just leaving an email, to only Shelby, not even a phone call, and you're mad at me?"

"I'm not mad. Come on Auggie, let's finish our conversation before the night's ruined."

Scott bristled. "What's your problem? I thought we were cool."

I stood up and half pushed Auggie through my open door, adjacent to the living room, before turning back to Scott.

I found myself in a mood a bit like the one I had before I ran away the first time at Horizon, and I don't think it was alcohol induced. I strolled up to Scott and looked him up and down. "You look different."

"You've only been gone a week… how different could I look?"

"Maybe it's just the sweat. You look good sweaty." I grinned. His hair was sopping from sweat and his body held the tell tale signs of a refreshingly exhaustive work out. Go football.

"What is it with you and sweat?" Scott's tone wasn't amused. My grin dimmed as realization hit- it was just like last time.

"Go find your woman." I glared and attempted to stomp off.

He grabbed my hand. "I hate it when you get into these moods."

"Yeah? Well I hate you." I struggled against his hold and he finally released his grasp, which made me stumble back against a wall.

"Fine. We'll talk when you're more rational." He rolled his eyes.

"I'm not drunk!"

"No. Just Juliette."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're being a total idiot. I wish that I hadn't told them to leave you alone now that it seems like you really won't ever admit to anyone what's going on."

"Maybe I just don't want to tell _you._ Do you believe in me anymore, or do you think I've sunk down beyond recognition? You're such an ass, and when you're not one, you still pretend that you are. You don't have a decent bone in your body, at least not for me." I went into a tirade, jabbing my fingers into his chest forcefully.

"If you think I'm such an ass, why are you still is dependent on me, then? You can't walk three steps in this world without looking to me for validation. It's pathetic."

"I thought that was called friendship. Excuse me for mistaking." I glared and pushed him aside. "Now, I'm going to resume my night with Auggie. He's more agreeable and infinitely better company."

"Why? Because he's still a hopeless lap dog around you?" He sneered. I didn't respond, but I did slam my door in his face.

I instantly brightened when Auggie handed me my beer and pulled me down to sit next to him on the floor.

"Ignore him. Where were we?" He grinned. This was what a normal relationship was, not whatever dysfunction Scott had. Bah.

I woke up the next morning with Auggie at my side. We were on the bed and Auggie was still out cold. He had shrugged off his shirt during the night and I felt a smile spread across my features. He wasn't exactly built like Scott, but the time away had done him good. His body leant towards the scrawny at one point, but it had developed into a streamlined leanness. He didn't have huge bulging muscles, but you could still see the strength rippling under his arms. It was a different kind of fit. I was apparently a blanket hog and had left him with barely anything so I got an unobstructed view of his bare chest. Auggie's jeans were resting lower on his waist because of his position and I could see the elastic of his boxers, and the line that dipped down leading to-

I quickly looked away and blushed. I had seen him shirtless before, obviously, but in our year and a bit together I was too shy to go much further and he was too kind to push me. We had done some things, but my experience was still very tame for someone my age.

Auggie woke up groggily after a while and I knew that he'd likely have a hang over.

"Are you all right?" I asked him, keeping my voice low.

"Sure. Pain. It'll pass." He smiled but winced. He looked back at me, at his low pants and bare chest, at the bed, and at me in my over sized t-shirt that I had chosen to sleep in that night.

"I didn't get drunk." I told him, answering the other question that was just occurring to his bleary mind in the process.

"Of course not."

"Auggie? I'm really glad you're here. I don't think I ever apologized for everything that happened. Because I think you might have… I, the thing is, I-"

"I know, Twig. I'm not mad. You haven't been cutting while you were gone, right?"

"I promise I didn't."

"Have you been eating?"

"A bit. I ate a lot last night."

"Good." Auggie nodded and plopped back against my pillow. "You've got a soft bed, Jules. Better than the couch."

"You should just share my bed then. I mean, if it's not too weird. I don't think it's weird. Well, maybe it's a little weird. But I don't mind. It's kind of soothing. I mean, if you think it's a good idea."

"Mmm. Wake me up in two hours, ok?" He was already falling back to sleep. My eyes lingered on his form for another beat, and I realized with a jolt that he could feel me staring as the smile appeared on his lips. "You like what you see, bonita?"

"Sorry." I muttered and looked away again.

"No me molesta, Jules." He chuckled. "I don't mind."

He was guapo and attractivo, from the fractured Spanish I knew. Not that I'd say that out loud. I had learned a little bit of Spanish in high school and learned a bit more from being with him. Normally he used English with only the somewhat rare lapse into his native tongue, but no doubt a year in his homeland would make him revert back slightly. Not that I had too much trouble understanding him- he either used words I somewhat recognized or would repeat the phrase in English. Unless it was really a slip of the tongue, in which case I'd have to wonder and look it up via the net. That's what I did after he swore at Scott- and holy geez, he was angry.

I threw the blanket over him somewhat and curled back on the bed myself. I could still feel his soft laugher beside me so I kicked him lightly.

"You embarrass easily."

"Shut up."

"We friends again?"

"If you'll let us be." I answered.

"Good." I felt him shift around in the bed so I allowed myself to turn as well. I was facing his back now and blinked up at its smoothness. His skin was such a perfect shade and I almost wanted to reach over and touch it. That'd be inappropriate, obviously, so I made myself shut my eyes and try not to think about the fact that a half naked Spanish hottie was laying next to me.

"You gonna stare all day, or actually sleep?"

I pouted and seized this opportunity to touch his bare back. I pressed my palms against him and shoved him unceremoniously out of the bed.

"Hey! You were the one who said I could sleep here!" He groaned, staring up at me piteously from the floor. I laughed at him and turned my back to him.

"I'm sleeping now. I don't care what you do."

"Friendly, Twig. Friendly." He climbed back on the bed heavily and pulled the covers over him. We fell asleep with our backs to each other, each with a smile on our faces.


	22. Blocking out the Jealousy

**Scott**

Attempting to wake Juliette up only to find her in bed with a shirtless Auggie was not the best way to stoke my mood into an apologetic one. I opened her door, said her name, and almost fell over as I realized she was lying against Auggie's bare chest under the covers.

"Jesus Christ!" I yelped. Juliette woke with a start and so did Auggie. Shelby, who had been in the kitchen, strode over and burst out laughing. Juliette looked at herself and Auggie and back to Scott and joined Shelby in giggling. She turned red and shook her head.

"You scared the crap out of me, man, that's no way to wake us up," Auggie muttered reproachfully.

"Nice to see why you finally came back," Shelby smirked.

"It's- nothing- ugh! Never mind! Get out!" Juliette stuttered, hiding under the covers and, subsequently, against Auggie.

My temper flared. Am I a moody man bitch when something rubs me the wrong way? Yes, and I really don't deny it.

"What the fuck, seriously? You see him for, what, two days after six months of being broken up and suddenly you're sleeping with him?" I exclaimed indignantly.

"Breathe, Scott. They were dating for almost as long as we were, the way you're wording it, it's like you're calling her a-" Shelby started in an attempt to placate me.

I couldn't be placated. "That's because I am!"

Juliette's grinning embarrassment turned to hurt anger in the span of one second. I caught her face as she peeped out from under the comforter, surprise registering on her face. Her hands were clenched around the blanket before but now they released the fabric and fell to her sides. She looked at me searchingly, imploringly, but I only glared back. Pain showed itself on her features and she again ducked her head.

"You're out of line-" Shelby faced me with incredulousness but Auggie beat her to it.

"The hell? You've got some nerve, you ignorant,jealous jerk," Auggie threw back the covers and jumped out of the bed. He stepped in front of me threateningly, and though I was a good few inches taller than him, it was still a bit intimidating. Many guys get in my face a lot, so I wasn't exactly scared by this intimidation. Yeah, okay, so I got reminded of the fact that this guy used to belong to a violent gang ring and was a dealer, but I've dealt with dealers before and I was confident that I could handle myself were he to be ridiculous enough to launch into a fight. I doubted he would. Juliette had softened him up when they dated and that was pretty much a solid base with him now.

I scowled. "You think you can make me back off by pretending to be some macho idiot? Who do you think you are? Coming here after so long and acting like you're the only one who gives a rat's ass about Juliette, and toying with her feelings like this-"

"I'm not doing any toying!"

"Scott! It was my fault we broke up, don't-"

"He broke up with you, did he not?"

"Well, yes-"Juliette started.

"Like I said, screwing with her feelings-"

"I didn't break it off because I didn't love her or wanted to hurt her, you mother-"

"SHUT UP!" Shelby shouted. It's amazing how frighteningly severe and military-like she can be when she wants to be. Auggie and I shut our mouths. "Jesus, thank you. Scott, stop being such a dick. It's not like this is a one night stand, it's so obvious that they still love each other. I mean, it's been years since they first kissed, so don't be such a prude! Besides, it's not really our business-"

"Damn straight it's not your business! Get your nose out of my life! For your information, I'm not some slut, or whore, or an easy lay or whatever you just implied that I am! We didn't do anything- I haven't even kissed him since he got to America, you stupid jerk!" Juliette exploded. "We were talking, and fell asleep, and… you know what, I don't need to explain myself to you." She pushed aside her blanket and got out of bed, striding towards her closet, she yanked out her robe and shoved me out of her way as she marched to the washroom.

"You are so moronic, sometimes. You had no right to say those things." Auggie shook his head at me and stalked out as well.

I only continued to glare into nothingness as I kicked over her garbage basket and completely left the apartment.

Shelby was on my heels, calling for me. I knew she was bewildered, but I did not feel like talking at the moment. I was sort of sick of talking to anyone, actually. And Shelby would only provoke my temper at this point, I could sense it.

"Babe, not now."

She raised her eyebrows in surprise. I very rarely used pet names like that. Mainly because we both despised them with a passion. Now and then when my mood got the best of me, it'd slip out.

"Sweetie, yes now." I cracked a smile at that. Never had a term of endearment sounded so sarcastic.

She slipped her arms around my waist and looked piercingly into my eyes. God, I hated and loved it when she did that. She could read my soul with those eyes, and it simultaneously disconcerted, amazed, scared, and soothed me.

As I didn't feel much like being read, I stopped her soft examination by kissing her gently.

"Air will do me good." I told her lightly.

"I will do you good." She responded with a smirk.

"True." I grinned and bent to kiss her again. She pulled me closer to her; success won.

But I pulled away again, as kindly as I could, and shook my head. "Really. I'll be okay, just maybe some alone time will do me good-"

"Scott, you're always alone lately." Shelby stated, playing with one of my curls.

"I'm okay."

"But I don't want you to be okay. I want you better than okay. And you were, weren't you? But you're not right now, and haven't been for the past while."

"Don't worry so much. I'll just go out for a run and maybe a red bull or a star bucks. Maybe head over to the gym. And then my class is at two. And football's again at 5. So I'll be home no later than…"

"9."

"Talk about ball and chain."

Shelby laughed incredulously and smacked my arm. "You can suck my non existent cock, Mr Sarcasm."

"You should get a life. No offensive, of course," I retorted cheekily.

"It's called settling in. Maybe you got everything together in your first two days, but I've just finally smoothed everything out."

"You gonna actually do something for yourself now?"

"Actually… I was thinking of, I don't know… trying a little ballet again. Just a little, to make sure I don't get rusty…"

"That's an amazing idea. You fucking love it, Shel. Go for it." I said encouragingly. "And you're probably brilliant at it too."

"Maybe not as good as you are with football-"

"Bull shit." I grinned.

She shyly returned the smile and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ears. Looking at her feet for a moment, she asked, "You will… come with me, right? For the sign up?" At my amused look, she amended it quickly, "I mean, not that I'm in any way insecure. Because I'd be fine on my own. I just thought you'd jump at the chance at seeing me in skin tight clothes and demonstrating the many ways in which I can bend, twist, hold, and position." Her words were cocky and light hearted, but I knew how much she wanted me there for support. And I felt a warm buzz inside at knowing that I was the person who made her feel secure, comfortable in new situations, and capable of doing anything.

"Of course I'll be there," I assured her and kissed her nose. "You're my girl, and I love you."

"You need to say that more often." Shelby smiled and kissed my cheek, patted my chest, and sent me on my way. "All right, all star athlete, go exercise. See you tonight."

I waved and strode off, but the glow I felt soon faded, leaving me with the bitter aftertaste of catching Juliette in bed with a guy. Even if it was a misunderstanding, it gave me a heart attack.

Auggie pops up out of nowhere and suddenly everyone sees him as this hero, instead of the ass who left me to pick up the pieces he broke last year. Don't get me wrong, he's like a brother to me, it's just bugging me how I helped her through out the year and he does one thing and suddenly it's like they're soul mates and I'm the clueless one.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm obsessing over every little thing lately. I'm hypersensitive about Juliette because I had to look out for her last year with an expert's precision. You can't go from being a person's main confidant to being barely a friend. It would piss anyone off, right?

Shut up. I know that's kind of what I maybe did to Juliette when Shelby came back, but…

Holy shit.

Back track. This is exactly how I treated her… no, I was way worse with the pushing away. And when she was acting a bit bratty and I resented her for it… Wow. Empathy sucks, and karma bites.

I guess I know how she felt now. And I really don't like it. In my mind, it shouldn't be me apologizing. She knows how mad she was when I favoured Shel over her, she should know to smooth things over with me now that Auggie's back. And geez, Auggie isn't even her boyfriend. The hell?

My thoughts were pissing me off and giving me a headache and a twitch, so I proceeded to run. Exercise was what kept me going. Pushing my body on always made my mind shut down temporally- it was almost more regenerative to my mind and soul than sleep itself was. With my iPod in place, I ran a few miles until I was panting, sweating, and properly aching. Warm up completed, I entered the gym, also known as my sanctuary, heaven, fraternity, escape, and close friend, all rolled into one.

Not surprisingly, part way through my work out, one of my football buddies came in and slapped my back.

"Christ, you're always here- you practically live in here, man."

I laughed and just told him that maybe he needed to come here more often and whip his ass into shape.

It was safe here. No probing questions, no unsettling realizations, no sick sights. Just my body hitting it up to oblivion. I'm going to kill myself one day with over exercise, people tell me. But I'd likely go crazy if I didn't come here so often.

Damn Juliette, with all the ways she makes me angry and dissatisfied. I don't need her, I don't need to be her anything. If she wants to be a total tool and stick with Auggie and drop me like a cold fish, whatever. Her loss.

I was jealous, wasn't I?

I'm thinking. That's not good. I added another thirty pounds to my machine and pushed myself an extra step. Before long, my body needed to focus itself completely on the task at hand and successfully drove out the troubling thoughts.

Screw humans. Screw them all.

Well, except Shelby.

Auggie really was only meaning for the best, too.

And my coach is pretty awesome.

…Damn. Okay, fine. Screw Juliette. Screw all of her.

_Another ten pounds. _

And crap in a can, I'm officially benching two sixty. Oh, yeah, baby. I grunted heavily and refused to let up, even if I was straining my very last muscle.

"Dude, you're going to wear yourself out before the practice even starts."

"I've got four hours to replenish."

"You're a machine, Barringer."

I grinned at the compliment and continued lifting. Next would come the leg work out, though I hardly worried about my legs- running across a field a hundred (literally) times during practice a week and something like twenty miles a week just personal runs, I'd say my legs are covered. I don't especially want the big beefy muscles that pro football players seem to have. The status, yes, the physique, no. I'm going to indulge my arrogance and say I'm well built, but classically and subtly so. Which is, in my opinion, the very best physique a guy can have. Both Shelby and Jules have-

Why does my mind always turn on again?

I took a swig of water, splashed my face, ripped my shirt off, and commenced with weighted crunches on an exercise ball.

"Don't wear yourself too thin."

Dude, I'm pretty sure I already have, in all areas of my life.

_Five, six, seven…_

Grunt, grunt, heave, pant, sweat.

_Two hundred, three hundred, five…_

Damn Juliette, damn them all.

_Six hundred, seven…_

I wasn't jealous.

_Nine hundred._

I hated the stupid big brother role. It sucks, in case people thought otherwise.

_One thousand. Shower, clean, change, school. _

By the time I'd get to my class, I'd collapse into my desk and be rendered useless for the first half. Can't you just see me as being an over achiever? But the mind blockage was worth it. And my body thanks me for it, as well as my team, and my girl. And contrary to what I may or may not have said/denied in the past, I absolutely love to work up a good sweat.

**AN:** My net wasn't working for the past week but I checked today, and there you go. I think someone up there really doesn't want me to miss another update, ha ha. BTW, that wasn't what actually happened at their morp, Scott did say I love you to Shelby but the show ended soon after. As always, thanks for reviewing


	23. Get away Freaks!

**Shelby**

He was jealous. What was up with that? This time I was sure that I wasn't being touché. He was seriously jealous.

Or maybe he was just shocked… I mean, she was like a sister to him, so that could just be his protective tendencies rearing up. No doubt that's what he'll claim if I call him on it. But I know it's the former, or at least it's mainly the former.

Whatever. I feel like I've been spending my whole time since getting back to America worrying about him and Juliette. It's tiring and annoying. I consciously shrugged off the nagging thoughts and ended up in front of a local dance studio… I might as well get back into something that was independent of my roommates; lately I had become all too reliant on them. I needed to build a separate life from them. I had claimed that I needed to settle before starting anything new, but time had passed and I had settled by now. Now the only thing holding me back was apprehension that I wasn't good enough… that I had somehow lost my talent, that the other girls would be better… that what I could do would be looked upon as a joke.

I can't stand myself when I feel inadequate, but I couldn't help but hesitate as my hand hovered over the door. Scott did say he'd do this with me… I didn't have to do it now. My eyes bore into the studio with the wide glass window, allowing anyone to see into the picturesque image inside. A line of women, and some men, so graceful. Using their bodies to demonstrate art in the finest and most genuine of ways. I missed it so, so much.

My family finances had dried up quickly after my biological dad left us when I was ten. I loved him so much- he used to call me Shelly-Belly and seemed to really love me too. When he left, the only thoughts that surfaced for weeks afterwards were all the times he told me not to do something and I did them anyways, all the times he wanted me to behave a certain way and I refused to. Every kid takes something like that personally, and I wasn't anywhere near as good as pretending otherwise as I am now.

The funds were draining, my mom had to work five times harder just to be able to put food on the table and heat in the house. All the fat had to be streamlined. It really shouldn't have surprised me that my ballet had to go. But my mother did try to keep me in it- when she first mentioned I might have had to drop it, I cried all night long. So I stayed in classes for a few months still. But it had to get cut eventually. I was still determined as ever to keep doing it, though, and I offered to work for the studio without pay if they'd just let me have one class a week. They agreed, even though I was legally too young to do actual work for them, but after a few more months of this I had to drop it. It was selfish. All the time I spent in the studio meant my mother had to work less because she had to watch Jessie, all the time I spent in the studio was labour I could have been milking for the good of the family. A few days after I turned eleven and on the anniversary of the day my dad left us, I bid farewell to the only thing I ever truly loved doing.

I hadn't done any serious ballet since. Eight years of falling in love with it, only to be passed aside for another eight. When my mom sent me my ballet shoes for Horizon's retarded personal quest thing, I didn't know if she was trying to remind me that I was happy once or if she was trying to remind me that she did sacrifice a lot to try to preserve that happiness. It served to sharply bring to my mind again that even my own father rejected me and that everything I love will be torn from me. I wondered if everyone else's parents had sent them misery bringers, but I'm sure they did. After all, anything that's supposed to remind us of the good times would have only reminded us of how far gone the good times are and how shitty our lives have become.

"Are you coming in?" An irritated voice brought me back to reality. I realized I was still standing by the door. The person that addressed me was a young woman and she was glaring at me from inside.

"Sorry. No." I instantly responded. Was I actually ready to take up something that would bring up so many scars? This was the only thing I cared about, the one legitimate thing I knew I could do well. I wouldn't be able to handle it if that was taken away from me. In years past, I didn't take up ballet again with the fear that it wouldn't bring me the joy it was once able to invoke. I was so terrified that all the things the dance represented to me earlier was lost for good. This kept me from trying it again… because at least I could still believe that the joy would still be there. Ignorance is bliss.

I walked away from the studio and shuddered at my own weakness.

Everything in my life after grade eleven has been this surreal suspension against reality. It's as if I'm in a particularly good dream that's lasted extraordinarily long. You know that feeling you hand when you're having a great dream and you can almost feel your consciousness tugging you into wakefulness? That's the way I'm feeling now- and I'd do anything to stay asleep. If this isn't reality, I'd prefer this slumber to any form of awareness.

Maybe it's the passing of the honeymoon phase I'm feeling. High school's done; my issues are apparently worked out, my soul searching trip to Australia's behind me… Scott and I have long since said our I love you's, and maybe I'm getting scared that we've hit a rut. No matter how many times a day he'll tell me that he loves me and will always love me, I get this sickly feeling that he's bored with us. Two and a half years is a long time to be together, at least it seems that way to a girl whose past relationships usually lasted a few hours. It wouldn't be worrisome if we were at least doing something new, different, fresh, you know? But he's still so reclusive sometimes- and I know why he is, and I know I have no right to blame him or to resent him for needing more time, but I really want to go further. It's not just that I'm horny as all hell, it's that I want to show him how much I care. And maybe if he'd let us go further, he'd be able to let go of Elaine- maybe if we went further, he'd see that sex can bring amazing memories instead of painful ones. He's so stubbornly against it… I know that it makes him uneasy to talk about, and I'd like to say that I'll wait as long as he needs, but my body's getting impatient. And my feelings are getting hurt, despite his words on how I shouldn't take it personally.

We're not the same people we were when we first started dating- that's another thing that worries me. We're not as obviously screwed up, which means that the whole 'misunderstood outcasts' thing the two of us shared in Horizon… it's kind of dried up. At the school, we fit together perfectly- same attitudes, same problem, and same stubbornness hiding soft sensitivity… We matched each other so much better than I could have ever imagined. He made me smile again. But now, now we're supposedly healed and he's got this freakishly close bond with Juliette. Back in Horizon, she was way too light to understand him, his problems were too deep for her to ever fathom. I don't know how exactly that changed so drastically, but now she seems to look to him for help and he looks to her. After all the times I've been trying to extract him gently from her grasp… I haven't been successful. And maybe it's just really selfish of me to continue trying- it's likely my fault to some extent that she didn't get help for her cutting, it's likely my fault if Scott seems a little more detached than I remember him being. Despite all that, I'm still angry at him for being so defensive with Auggie. I don't care how selfish it is, it hurts like hell that he cares so much for her because no matter what any one says-that really does mean that he cares less for me. I know that it's a different kind of love that he has for her, but that makes it that much more potent. If he loves her differently than he loves me… that means that he can love her more. The love of a friend to another is that much more lasting than that of a lover, and I will never be able to be comfortable with it.

I was getting okay with their friendship up until Scott's temper tantrum with Auggie coming. Am I getting overly suspicious or is he seriously acting overly protective over a 'friend'? Personally, I'm happy for them that Auggie and Juliette seem to be getting back together, and I find it extremely hard to understand how Scott wouldn't be. Auggie's always been nothing but amazing towards her and I haven't seen a single guy treat her better, so Scott's completely irrational. If he doesn't want to be with her himself than why is he so uptight? Even if she was his little sister, what brother wouldn't love their sister to be with a guy as caring as Auggie is?

"…Coffee? You look dead."

My head whipped up in surprise. It was only bookstore David. And I think I may have zoned out again because I likely caught only the tail end of what he was saying to me.

"You look really spaced. Some caffeine may do you good." He offered again, nodding towards a coffee cart a few feet away from us. I blinked a bit to clear my head and found myself nodding.

"You're coming in tonight, right?" David said. I suppose I could have said something before this point, but whatever.

"It's my day off. And here I was thinking you had my schedule memorized," I grinned, "It's a blow to my ego to see that you don't actually notice as much as you pretend to."

"Nah, I knew you had tonight off- I just wanted to open with that so you wouldn't be able to use work as an excuse after I ask you out to dinner tonight."

Have I mentioned that he's shameless? He was smiling in that cocky manner that I was used to seeing but it was tinged with a bit of self consciousness that amused me. I-am-a-Sex-God David wasn't sure of himself.

"You're right, I can't use work as an excuse. I'm just going to give you a flat out no." I responded sweetly.

He paid the guy behind the counter some change and handed me an iced cappuccino. So many late nights a few early mornings proved that the staff at the store knew each other pretty well, including each other's drinking preferences.

"That's real friendly."

"I've been rejecting you every day for two months. What makes you think I'd change my mind now?" I shook my head and took a sip. He hesitated and I knew instantly what he was thinking. I gave him a sharp look. "Just because you may have witnessed one fight between my boyfriend and me, that doesn't mean we're anywhere near breaking up. And the fact that you're circling like a vulture waiting for it to happen is completely sickening. At this point, I'd probably say no even if I was single, which I'm going to remind you yet again, I'm so not."

"All right. Sorry. You know, most girls would take this as a compliment that I'm so adamant. I'm usually not, you know."

"I'm not most girls. If you think your stupid dimples and your stupid Orlando Bloom eyes and your Jonathan Jackson features are going to somehow have me swooning, you need to wake up and stop deluding yourself." I grunted, "Oh. And, in case you were wondering, I think you're too Goddamn short anyways." Scott was six inches taller than me and bookstore David was only two. 5"9, seriously. I could be easily taller than him by wearing low heels. And I can't stand dating shorter guys.

David was smirking now. I hated his self satisfied smirk. "Do you think I'm good looking, Shelby?"

"Go ejaculate off a whore, why don't you?" I thought for a moment that he was going to respond with a 'that's what I'm trying to do', but on this point at least he proved he had a bit more class than I gave him credit for.

"I buy you a drink and you can't pretend to make nice?" He pouted.

Okay. So I'm going to be absolutely honest now. Don't judge me or anything or get any ideas, but I have, on occasion, found myself being just a little bit drawn into his stupidly nice eyes and maybe, just maybe, I've let my eyes linger on his body. But hey, he is good looking. I'd even go so far as to say he's great looking. Devastatingly gorgeous, even. Which, of course, makes me growl at him that much more. He doesn't hold a candle to Scott. No one does.

"Hey Shelby. Who's your friend?" Juliette seemed to have popped out of nowhere. She was grinning all perkily and though part of me was sighing at the chore of introductions, I was glad to have his attention brought away from me.

I mumbled something and watched in dismay as the two hit it off spectacularly. Was it just me or was she flirting with him? I knew he would with her, his penis knows no limits, but come on!

"Where's Auggie?" I decided to bring up, maybe a touch edgier than was needed.

"Sleeping off the hang over." She responded unruffled. At David's questioning look, Juliette beamed, "Auggie's our friend from high school. He's staying with us for awhile."

I watched for David's reaction, but he took the friend part of Juliette's sentence and ran with it, and they chatted easily for a few more minutes.

"So, what's your take on this mysterious boyfriend who I've heard of but never met yet?" he asked, looking back at me with a glint in his eyes.

"Scott? Oh you should meet him! I don't know any of Shelby's friends here, and I'm sure Scott would like to-"

"How about no?" I interrupted. "We're not going to mix my work life with my personal life."

"But David's so sweet!"

"Yeah, Shel!"

Why must she steal every guy in my damn life? Fuck, I didn't just think that. She hasn't stolen Scott… and I don't care about David. She hasn't stolen Scott…

A vindictive part of me wanted to ask her if she was going to talk about her cutting anytime soon, but the feeling passed. At the moment, she was more screwed up than I was so why was it that the guys seemed to gravitate towards her? Was it because she needed protecting? Scott got all mad with Auggie but after all this time he hasn't made mention once of the guys I work with. Have I mentioned that bookstore David's devastatingly gorgeous? Maybe he takes it for granted that I care about him too much to cheat. He's right, but it wouldn't hurt for him to show just a little bit of possessiveness on my account. Nothing too jealous, but a hint that he isn't so secure, a hint that maybe he is a little scared of losing me? I'm terrified of losing him and it feels like he doesn't think about that at all…and wouldn't even care that much if it did.

"Good bye now David." I rolled my eyes and yanked on Juliette's sleeve.

"And here I was thinking we were friends, Shel."

"We're acquaintances."

"You still owe me one for getting boss lady off your back…" he said. "It was nice meeting you, Jules. Shelby's got attractive friends."

She giggled. The woman has no self respect. She giggled and did one of those girly waves that involve the gentle wriggling of the fingers.

As we walked away, she looked at me with her excited eyes and said,

"I didn't think you had a life outside of school! Damn, Shelby, you work with some cute guys! He could give Scott a run for his money- what does he think of you working with a guy that gorgeous?"

"He doesn't care." I muttered darkly. "Now shut up and stop twittering."

"He likes you."

"Have you suddenly forgotten Scott? The third member of our stupid triangle in high school?"

"Oh come on, that triangle lasted like two months. You make it sound like it took place for two years. And it doesn't hurt to look, does it?"

"If I didn't know you better I'd say you were still a little drunk." I answered drolly. She grinned brilliantly and looped her arm in mine.

"Come on, let's get some food back for Auggie." She skipped along to the nearby Co-op, effectively pulling me with her.

My world is full of lunatics.

AN: PC isn't working. Library blocks ff. Sorry for the delay. Expect more. Stupid evil universe is against me. And school starts soon. Arghhhh. -- thanks for reviewing.


	24. a Muddled Reality

**Juliette**

After I stomped into the washroom that morning, I showered at an agonizingly slow pace to ensure that the blondes wouldn't be there when I came back out. Of course, that meant that Auggie also had sufficient time to fall back asleep. I didn't want to wake him and didn't feel like instant coffee anyways so I grabbed my coat and headed out.

And met Shelby's beautiful friend. Who seemed very nice, by the way. He had been wearing one of those baggy hoodies that hung casually off his body and even though he was fully clothed I knew that he'd be wonderfully built. Not that I was looking or anything. I vaguely grinned inside just thinking of the many ways in which Scott would sulk knowing that his girlfriend spent most of her waking hours working alongside a guy like that. But Shelby said he doesn't know- shocking, I know. I'd have thought Scott would know or at least have seen some of her co-workers, and if he saw Greek God David I'm sure Scott would've made a point of meeting him, if only to subtly mark his territory. You may think that Scott's not that possessive, but I've dated the man, he's got a little bit of a jealous streak. He's overprotective all right; I mean if he can't even accept Auggie, how can he stand by so carelessly while Shelby's being wooed? Not that I think she could be wooed. If she could have I'd have noticed by now. She's as devoted as a St Bernard, and maybe Scott knows this and that's why he doesn't seem to care.

I struggled with feeling downcast for a minute. I wished I had a relationship so stable that I didn't have to be jealous about my significant other spending most of their time with a supreme hottie. But then, wasn't Shelby possessive over Scott around me? And if she's insecure and he's not, what could that mean about the two of them? Does she care about him more than he does her? No, no, my brain's fabricating stuff again. Wishful thinking. He loves her.

But damn. I wouldn't mind being with Greek God David. If my heart wasn't still pining mercilessly over Scott that is. And if I didn't feel weird warm fuzzies every time I got near Auggie…

"I've got class." Shelby said with a start as she was part way through a bag of crackers. We had brought two bags full of random food back to the apartment in a makeshift hang over kit and were just settling in again. "God damn it!"

"Don't worry, you've got enough time to get down there-"

"By car maybe, but Scott's not here, remember?"

"So you'll be a little late… You haven't been late yet this year. It's fine."

"Don't you have class too?"

"Eh. I'm skipping. Just today."

"For Auggie? You can't afford to-" Shelby raised her eyebrows but I rolled my eyes.

"Jules, she's right, you shouldn't-"

"It's one day." I smiled. "You'd better hurry Shelby." Since when did I become the reckless one? We always were pretty irresponsible, the both of us were, but mine wasof a more flighty kind and I thought it was interesting that she was the one trying to convince me not to break the rules.

"Here." I handed Auggie a Pepsi and an aspirin.

He eyed both wearily. "I didn't drink all that much, Jules."

"No, just pretty much all of the 12 pack?" I laughed and started spreading cream cheese for his bagel.

"You are gonna have some of this food too, right?" He popped the pill and relaxed his head against the couch, looking amused by the amount of food I hauled in.

"Well, we're staying in this morning so I figured we'd better have enough to eat…"

"This stuff could keep you fed for the week. And you hung out with me last night, you don't have to baby sit me if you-"

"I really want to. Auggie, I don't think you really get how much I missed being with you." I said, gazing at his face. He always was attractive… Everything Auggie was represented a whole other side to me that Scott didn't affect. And God, sometimes I really missed being able to feel his lips against mine.

"Jules, why'd you cut again?"

He never did like the beating around the bush formula Scott and I employed. And in some ways that was a relief. It was refreshing to be able to fully expect to be questioned flat out instead of having the question at the back of our minds, hovering, prodding. At this point, I needed this more than 'my own space'.

I looked at his care worn eyes and found my mouth just spilling. "It's my mom again. I don't know if I'll ever be truly free from her grasp." Shouldn't I be telling Scott first? But no, this felt so much easier, so much more natural. I quickly dug the letter out from my room and handed it to him. "My family's deserted me. Again."

"That's harsh, Twig." He said gently.

"Could you read it okay?"

"No, yeah- I really worked hard these last two years, you know? I get it. And that's not cool, that's not right. This is why you cut?"

"That, and the fact that…" He's going to be hurt that I care so much about Scott. "Scott didn't seem to care about, or notice, me since Shelby got back. I needed help and he wouldn't even listen… I, Auggie, I really miss him. Even though he's right here, I miss him. And every time I read that she left without even a phone call, I felt so alone. Scott didn't care, my family didn't care, and I _needed_ someone to care, I'm not strong enough to be independent."

Auggie took my hand and kissed it. "Jules, Twig, Bonita, why didn't you call me? I care. I always have and I won't stop. I care. You're not ever alone. Even when I was away I thought about you constantly, and I wanted to check up on you but I didn't think that'd be fair to you, since we broke up. And you are strong, strong enough to do anything. Scott loves his girl, but he cares about you too, even if he's slow to show it. We all care."

"It's so stupid, isn't it? That I did all this… my mom left, but I always said how much I couldn't stand her, and… I was being stupid, wasn't I?"

"She's your family, you didn't overreact, okay? It's okay to hate and love someone at the same time. She made you feel worthless again, and that's wrong because you're not worthless, you're not an afterthought, you're you and you're amazing. Don't feel bad about who you are because of what those around you do. You're not ever alone. Not ever." And he wrapped his arms around me and I never, never wanted to let him go.

"Auggie… please don't judge me," I whispered as I leaned against his chest.

"If you seriously thought I would, you obviously don't know me anymore."

"If I asked you to stay, would you? Here, with me?

"I already told you I'll be here as long as you need me."

"And if I say I'll never stop needing you?"

"Jules…"

"Could you stay with me forever?" I knew it was a selfish question, I knew it wasn't fair. But I'm weak and, admittedly, I am a selfish person.

"If you asked me to, yeah." I didn't ask him to. Just knowing that he would was enough of a comfort for me at the moment. My hand curled up over his heart and I let it move gently down his body to where I knew his scar rested.

He recognized the act and kissed my forehead. "We all have demons, Jules."

He wrapped his own fingers on top of mine and smiled, "You know, you're the only decent girl I've ever shown it to without being worried of getting pushed away for it."

I saw through the phrasing and recognized again how experienced Auggie was. I knew that the girls in his old neighbourhood had all likely seen it, or at least some of them had, and to them it was something to praise. I wondered how many girls he had slept with or fooled around with. I had once asked him that when we were dating and it had ignited a heated fight. He had resented that I kept asking about his past when we both knew how much we hated the past. I had, of course, interpreted his anger as a cover up for his fear of telling me how many times he had actually been around the block and hadn't let the subject drop. All I got as a response was 'a couple'.

Petty arguments aside, that scar represented so much for us. It had pained him to see me inflict the same wound he was so ashamed of on his own body onto mine. It had opened my eyes to the real horrors he had to face.

I unconsciously slid my hand just under the shirt to brush the bottom of the long wound. It used to reassure me somehow, reminded me how tough yet fragile my boyfriend really was, reminded me how he _could_ understand and that we did share one soul. Now, though, it made me feel weak. Now, it made me think of how physically tramatized Scott was, too. Now, it made me feel guilty for everything I thought and knew I shouldn't be thinking of.

"How can you think I'm strong and good when you've had to face physical injury and you've managed to live through it with grace...and then see me purposely hurt myself for such stupid reasons?"

"Because you are strong. I know you. You never give yourself enough credit. But you are amazing, Jules. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I'm not going to say it wasn't stupid to cut- cutting Is going to end up killing you if you don't stop, and it _is_ stupid. But you're not, and your problems aren't. Nothing justifies cutting but emotional injuries are way deadlier than anything a street fight can do."

"I don't believe you. But thank you." I kissed the edge of his scar and sat up so I could face him, meet his eyes. Everything he had done for me, all that he was doing for me right now, surfaced in my mind and I felt overwhelmed with both gratitude for him and shame at myself for throwing away a man who had given me all that he had to give. "I don't deserve you. If there's one thing I'm thankful for, it's that you somehow set yourself to caring about me. Because if you hadn't cared, I wouldn't be here. After everything I've done to you, you had no obligation to still worry about me. I was ungrateful and horrible and I know I've already apologized, but I really am sorry. If I ever make you feel like I don't care about you, if I ever make you feel second best, I'm truly sorry. Because I'll never stop caring about you and if I could take it back, I would, I'd do things differently." To my credit, I managed not to burst into tears at this speech, but I also couldn't meet his eyes.

He kissed my cheek and hugged me again. It would have been a lovely moment if Scott's face didn't appear suddenly in my mind. It was so inappropriate to be thinking of Scott at a time like this, but I couldn't help wondering- was what I had just told Auggie really the truth? Would I have done things differently if given the chance? Last year, Auggie was second best to Scott in my heart. I wouldn't have moved out, wouldn't have sacrificed my friendship with Scott for anything. But I was wrong to do that. After all I had done to be close to Scott, he still didn't care about me as I did for him. After all my sacrifice, he would always love Shelby first, last, and always. Who was the one picking up my broken pieces? Not Scott. Who was the one who made me feel good about myself? Not Scott. Who was the one who made me know that I didn't have to try to be anything but who I was? Who didn't want anything from me but my affection? Who flew across the globe to be by my side at the first sign of trouble?

Truth was, Auggie had been a better, more attentive friend to me from across the world than Scott had been across the hall. In the few days I'd been with him, I'd felt better and closer to him than I did with Scott in the past two months.

It was clear who I had a better chance of happiness with. But then, I had always known Auggie cared about me more than anyone else did in my life. In the past two years, I had thought of him as my safety net…always second to my roommate. I don't know the exact moment I realized my heart had shifted again and I loved my roommate more than my boyfriend, but I did know I didn't grow to love Scott out of geographical convenience. My affection was too strong for that. But I wondered, if Auggie had stayed…would I still have ended up pining for Scott? Undoubtedly, no, if we hadn't ended up living together, I wouldn't feel nearly as close. But if that reasoning is true, then did I only ever love Scott because my boyfriend was far away? I'm shallow but surely I'm not that shallow.

However, if that really was the case, then it should be true that now that Auggie's back, I'll realize my feelings for Scott were not substantial…and they'll soon fade.

Surely I love Auggie more than some guy who's never seen me as more than a sister.

If he'd have me back, I would never throw it away again. Auggie is the best person I know. And I do care about him. Maybe I was just confused before… I had to have been wrong. There could be no one in the world who cared more about me. I've been so used to everything backfiring, maybe I felt the need to purposely mess things up when everything seemed too good to be true. Maybe I just created a silly, imagined problem so there could be a rift between me and Auggie; I made him leave on my terms before he could suddenly decide to dump me and catch me by a complete shock. Then something would be there to make me misearable and I wouldn't be on tip toe all the time, worried that my pefect life would be broken. I had to break it myself. Looking at him now, being with him now, I realize what an idiot I was. Auggie would never have done anything to hurt me. My insecurities had drowned any good sense I possessed and tore me from my one sure shot of happiness.

It could still be rectified.

I didn't love Scott.

I couldn't.

My mind, my instinct, my sad heart, they all said the same thing: Auggie is the one for you.

It was time to cut the illusion, the fantasy of an immature and unrealistic dream, and come back to terms with life.

For a moment, I thought I had a choice to make. But as soon as the thought entered my mind, I dismissed it. I did have a choice to make but not the one I thought. I never had the choice of Scott. He never had been an option. And when it came down to it, I'm better off because of that.

Auggie and Juliette isn't a closed chapter yet, not if I can help it. And I know he still cares about me... he has to. He has to.

* * *

**AN:** It's been almost a month, I am so, so, sorry. And I can't even say I just got my pc back, either, because I got it back a while ago, and I had written this chapter weeks ago but was too lazy to type it up, and the first half I thought was lost until I realized I had saved it under another fanfic name. But better late then never, yes? I don't have any of the next chap prepared and I'm seriously spazzing over the whole new school- different routine- crap load of work thing so my updates will no longer resume their weekly consistency. I'm thinking bi-monthly should be managable... we'll see :) My attention span does wander and I do have other updates to do, but I will not give up on this story. Thanks to all of you for sticking with me, I love your input and I'm sorry for making you all wait so long. Happy thanksgiving (well, ish. It's next week in Canada).


	25. Cracking Through the Monotony

**Scott**

"I'll see you later." Juliette said seconds after I entered the room that night.

"Juliette…" I sighed. She looked at me with that wounded expression and just walked out without another word.

I was beginning to wonder if she had it in her to wear any other expression- she seemed to constantly alternate between perky and wounded. Jesus.

"You're an idiot," Auggie grinned at my irritated frown. I stared back at him, unsmiling. "Man, it's your fault she's pissed at you. She's got a right to be, you were a dick. If I wasn't such an easy going guy, I'd have to give in to my instinct and punch you in the face."

I continued staring at him.

"Look. I know how important she is to you. Which is why I wanted to talk to you first. Let's go out. Play some ball. I have to ask you something."

Fan-fucking-tastic. I sighed loudly and swivelled around where I stood and followed him out the door. After working out that morning and football just now, I really did not feel like doing anything physical. With Auggie, that wasn't really a problem- he wasn't notably competitive in sports and I knew he only used basketball as an excuse so it wouldn't look like he was asking me for a heart to heart. Guy pride and all that crap, you know. It was the talking part of the suggestion that I actually wanted to avoid. I had a strong suspicion about what it was he wanted to ask me and I really didn't feel like I had the strength to talk about it. Actually, I never wanted to talk about it, even if I wasn't dead tired.

"What?" Beating around the bush? No fucking chance. I wanted to have a drink and sleep.

"H-O-R-S-E?"

I wanted to point out that it was a stupid game and that I'd win instantly and it'd be faster for him to just stop with the pretences and tell me what the fuck he came out here to tell me. I wanted to point out that he was shorter than me and though he was once faster than me I had honed my reflexes so now the only physical thing he had going for him that I didn't have was that wicked scar that seventy percent of girls found sexy/went all sympathetic for. And that's not even really a positive trait, the other thirty percent would be turned off by it and it's not like I want a damn scar.

I didn't point out these things, but I did suggest rather tactlessly, "How about we change it to J-U-L-E-S?"

He chuckled and started dribbling. "Your call."

"First to get 5 shots in wins. If it'll make you feel more sporty, you can call each basket you get a letter of the name."

"Impatient, aren't you?"

"You're not saying what you have to say until the game's done, aren't you?"

"Once one of us gets J-U-L-E-S-" You'll ask me for Jules, right? I was being paranoid. The two were better off as friends anyways. He probably had something else to talk about.

I grabbed the ball and shot. "J." That wasn't smugness in my voice, oh no. I shrugged off his clumsy check and got a U, then rebounded for an L. He stole it and got it in. I let him get in another two, seriously I stood there and watched as he took shots, grinning like he was actually beating me. Then I roughly rammed into him and finished off my last two baskets.

"Talk," I commanded.

"Geez, you're not a fun guy to hang with when you're in this mood." He commented, rubbing his side.

"Sorry. I'm just tired, is all."

"I didn't want to wait until tomorrow. I know you're tired. I'll keep it short." Sure, Auggie.

"Spit it out."

"Okay." He was so damn slow in the uptake, Jesus.

"Could you hesitate any slower?" I prodded again.

"All right, all right. Well, as you know, me and Jules got pretty close before and things happened that made us break up. But I'm back and I can't believe how much I miss her…and I think she misses me. I want to be with her again, Meat, really with her. I still love her so much, you know? I'm going to talk to her about it soon. I just wanted to know what you thought. Did she tell you anything? Could she still love me? Would you be okay with it?"

"What do I have to do with you and Juliette being together?" I asked sardonically. I wanted to punch him in the face for suggesting a reunion with her. I wanted to throw him down and forbid him from going near her. She was a complete wreck when they broke up. Seriously, I'm talking about chick flick and chocolate ice cream bad. She first went out constantly to try to forget what happened and when that failed and her girlfriends failed to cheer her up, I was there on default. I'm not saying I resented the break-up because it was an inconvenience for me, but I had to literally be there for her most evenings. It was painful to see. I wasn't going to be jumping for joy for the chance of that happening again.

Why did Auggie think he needed my permission anyways? It wasn't as if Juliette gave a rat's ass about me anymore.

Auggie looked at me, a pitying mixture of amusement and amazement in his features. "You really are a meat head, you know that don't you?"

I scowled. "You don't need my permission or blessing or whatever. It's not as though I'm her father and you're proposing marriage, or some ex-girl of mine."

"Dude, she is an ex of yours."

I shook my head, flustered. "You know what I meant."

"I don't want your permission. I just want to know what you think."

"You mean you want to know if you have a chance. Well she hasn't gone out with too many guys since your break-up, not seriously at least. I can't say anything for certain but it seems to me like she's still hung up."

Auggie nodded. "Over me?"

"No, over me. Stop being so annoying. She's happy that you're here, I don't know what else to say." I rolled my eyes.

"You'd be okay with it?"

"It's none of my business." I clenched my jaw. "Listen, is that all you had to say? I'm fucking tired and I'm gonna go if you don't have anything else."

"It's just that-"

"She loves you. You love her. There's not much more to it." That came out a bit snappier than I meant it to so I slipped on a grin and forced out an airy, "Go for it, man."

"Great. Yeah, you're right," He looked relieved and tossed me the ball. With a wide grin on his face, he turned around.

"Wait, you're telling her now?"

"I don't wanna wait around and lose my chance."

"You should wait until tomorrow." I blurted out.

"Why?" He asked curiously.

"Because then you'd have all day to be with her instead of a few hours." I made up quickly, cursing myself for being such an idiot.

"Hey, you're right. I should come to you more often, you rock the romance arena."

"And all other arenas." I joked. My grin remained until he jogged out of view. Once he was far enough away, I hurled the ball harshly against the net and sat down on the concrete.

I hated when people left me. I didn't seem to notice much when I left people but I hated to be the one deserted. If Juliette was going to find another guy to revolve her life around, that was fine. But I hated that she was doing it when I was still used to having her revolve around me. I knew that if she and Auggie got back together, which was very likely, things would never be the same. I could see her getting up and leaving everything to go back across the world with him… leaving two best friends barely more than strangers. If she got back together with him, I would never see her again. And if I did, she wouldn't be the same. She wouldn't be my Juliette Waybourne.

Look, I know that's really selfish of me. I know what I've been doing to her and I know that Auggie seems to really care about her. But I also know that he just dumped her last year without any sort of tangible reason, presumably something about trust issues. He couldn't trust her so he broke her heart. And if she moves with him, and he leaves her, she'll have nowhere to go. She'll be too embarrassed to come back here, and really, where else can she go?

If they break up, she'll be lost to me and possibly lost to herself. He hurt her.

Auggie is like a brother to me and I shouldn't be getting so riled up about this, but I can't help being pissed. Just because I've got Shelby doesn't mean that she can-

Shut up, brain. Shut up, heart.

I hate change.

I can't lose another person in my life. I was taking her for granted, I'll admit it. I took it for granted that she'd always be there… every time I needed to talk, she'd be there to listen. I know I haven't been a good friend to her of late but I assumed she'd always be a good friend to me. I don't care how prickish that sounds or how unreasonable I'm being. Auggie can't fucking have her. I still need her.

I'm going to ignore this spout of anger that even I can't deny isn't supposed to exist. Denial has always served me well in the past. Fuck this. I'm going to find Shelby.

No. Sleep. I was suddenly reminded of how tired my body was. Somehow getting up didn't seem to be something I felt like doing. My limbs felt leaden and I let myself flop down completely on the court. The ball had rolled back to me by this time and I fiddled with it idly, watching the tree branches nearby shake from the breeze.

It was about ten at night so the night wasn't exceptionally warm. Considering I was out here without a jacket, you'd think I'd be chilly. Once I let myself think about the cold, I began to feel it. My arms turned to ice and I realized I could see my own breath. Still, it was a gorgeous night, and I didn't feel like being around the happily buzzing Auggie, nor did I feel like seeing Shelby. Solitude was good.

Solitude made me angsty. It allowed me time to think about things and when I let myself dwell on anything for too long, I started to brood. I got to wondering where I'd be in a year; contemplating where I was a year ago. Everything was constantly changing. You think that nothing changes and that change is slow but if you really looked back, nothing is ever constant. Last year at this time I was getting used to being without Shelby and I was hanging on to Juliette as tight as could be. I had just flunked my first college assignment but aced my first test. I already hated half my professors and already got myself piss ass drunk. Everything was new and a little scary, I was apprehensive but excited to be starting this new phase.

Now, things were still new. Except now they weren't scary but annoying, and I couldn't be bothered to deal with it. Now instead of attempting to sort through my emotional landmine I ignored their existence. And even though I had two more people to support me than I did this time last year, I felt more confused and uncomfortable than I ever did. I think I preferred having one person leaning on me. This was too much responsibility and I had no patience for it.

The selfish thing is I want all three, but I only want parts of them. If I could take the playful, sexy nature of Shelby without her irritated insecurities, if I could take the sweet understanding of Juliette without her childlike mood swings, if I could take the brotherly close bond of Auggie without the whiney sensitive side…

That makes me a horrible person and I know it. You can't be someone's true friend if you don't like all of them, if you wish parts of them would disappear. I do know that if all the annoying parts of my friends were to be taken away they would no longer be my friends, but I couldn't help but wishing they could be swarming to help me with my problems instead of vice versa.

For example, my coach thinks I need to back off from football. I've been so pissed at other parts of my life that I've been pouring all my emotions into the game and working myself to the bone. My dedication was once admired but now I'm actually concerning the coach. I was lectured about balance and all that shit. Apparently, I should tone it down a notch because they didn't want me killing myself with exertion. I was actually told to lay off the gym. What the hell, right? But I'm limited to three days a week maximum. That sucks ass since the only other efficient way of making me forget about my issues is drugs. They're idiots to take away my healthy addiction. I know that by doing that, the odds of me going back to my unhealthy one is increased like seven fold.

I've been clean for ages. Haven't even felt a craving for a long time. But the thing is, I'm getting bored with myself. My life has been stuck in this monotony and I hate it. Football-work-school-Shelby. That's all my life is. It's so routine and so unchanging and I think I'm going crazy without variety. I think I'm getting tired of being chained down. It's not that I want to date around, it's just that every time I'm out for longer than I should be I feel guilty for not spending enough time with Shelby. It's a total kill joy to be constantly selfless. I'm tired of convincing people what I feel, I'm tired of doing the same thing with the same people. I need to break out of this box.

I feel like I'm eighty years old. I don't get drunk, I don't get high, I don't sleep around, I don't stay out late. Those are healthy life style choices but they just spell out boring lame ass to me. I need to get a life- what I'm living now isn't enough. I'm just waiting for that dose of excitement, which is dangerous since my last excitements were sleeping with my stepmom, getting booted from the football team, and getting sent to the middle of nowhere. I'm not asking for another problem to crop up in my life, I'm not saying I want something to disrupt my happiness. What I am saying is I'm not happy. I'm neutral. I'm coasting day to day and I want to break my hand just to make sure I can still feel something. There's anger and guilt, anger and guilt- I can't feel anything else.

I can't stand myself sometimes. I released a breath and heavily hopped to my feet. This was so stupid. I grabbed the ball and started walking. I was going to grab a coffee and warm up. Maybe the cheery atmosphere of a coffee shop could wake me up from this stupor.

Of course, guess who was there? Juliette, staring into emptiness, settled in a chair by the fireplace. I wanted to walk out and ignore everything again but my body ignored my mind and I ended up seated beside her.

"I don't think you're a whore."

"Good to know."

I looked at her distracted face and blurted out, "Was it good? Between us. When there was an us. Were we good? For you, I mean."

She blinked. "It was three years ago, Scott."

"I know."

She opened her mouth to answer but she couldn't say a word.

"It wasn't, was it?"

Juliette looked away and turned back to the fire. I leaned towards the flames but wouldn't let it go.

"Whose fault was it? Was I selfish? Was I absent?"

"You…" She faltered and didn't try to continue.

"Was it Auggie? Was it Shelby? What was it? Was it real? Did you care? Did _I _care?" I didn't know why I needed to know so desperately, why I was so adamant. I just was.

"It was three years ago, Scott. It didn't even last that long three years ago." I stared at her until she gave me a longer answer. "I wasn't your Shelby, you weren't my Auggie."

"Was it good?"

Juliette took my hand but didn't respond. She stared back into the fire, passing through some convoluted comfort through the contact of our hands. I watched the flames dance across her face for a minute before I followed her gaze. My body was heating up but my insides were colder than they had ever been.

* * *

AN: Wooo the whole bimonthly thing is working out so far. 


	26. Pure Animalism

**Shelby**

My finger hesitated over the mouse for a moment before pressing the ominous word. Send.

_Hey Peter_

_It's Shelby Merrick. Cliffhanger. Remember?_

_Well I was thinking we could have a reunion. I know they usually only happen once every decade or whatever and it's barely been over a year since grad, but Horizon never was much like other schools and I think a check up with everyone would be good. I mean, not that I think we should do it every year or anything. But maybe we should just make sure no one's getting lost by themselves. Besides, I know you must miss us. And I would kind of like to see you and Sophie again anyways._

_Don't tell anyone I suggested this, okay?_

_-Shelby_

Great. I've turned into the sap of the group.

Oh, screw it, who am I kidding? It's strange to be barely speaking with Daisy- after sleeping in the same room together for three years and seeing her most hours of most days, this is just odd. And seeing Auggie again made me realize that fuck it all I am a sentimental person and I did like Horizon quite a bit. It would be really nice to feel coddled again for a few hours. I feel like I've been thrown into the real world and even though I don't have to resort to desperate measures to survive, its still not anywhere near as glamorous as I had hoped.

I became jaded at fourteen; yet I'm still disappointed with how things have unfolded. I mean, I never expected sunshine and daisies, but I always kind of believed that I was only so blah with the world because my world was sucky. My problems are behind me now and everything seems to be fine, but inside it feels so wrong.

With three of my old classmates living with me at the moment, I feel as exposed as I did in Horizon except now I'm supposed to be adult about it. I've been trapped in work recently and that's probably why I'm going mad. A person can't thrive when they spend most of their free time either working for money or working for an education. Somehow, I don't remember high school work being anywhere near as taxing. Actual textbook learning always took a backseat to real life lessons at the high school, now it's just like why the hell should I be focussing on these insignificant dates and these lame ass people?

I briefly glanced at my small pile of books beside my desk and instantly decided to ignore them. The world can go screw itself. I am not going to give up everything and become some boring girl who's just like everyone else. I never was like every other girl and that used to bother me but now I see that it made me interesting. Right now, I've turned into that girl who I used to shake my head at in pity.

What's to stop me from doing something to change this? Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely nothing!

I leapt off the chair in front of the computer and turned to Scott, who was hunched over the kitchen counter, reading something.

"We're going out." I declared. He blearily looked up, only vaguely registering that I had spoken.

"What?" He blinked.

"We're going clubbing."

"Okay. When?"

"Right now. Well…" I checked my watch quickly and did some fast calculations in my head. "Half an hour."

"You're insane."

"No, I'm bored. And I think you've got to be too. We're such wall flowers. We stay in more now than we did in Horizon when we weren't allowed to go any where. Half an hour." I strode into my room, grabbed my robe, and made for the bathroom. "Half an hour."

I took a shower, put my hair up, and finally got a chance to debut this killer ocean blue dress that I had been harbouring for a while now. I loved dressing myself up. I pretended like I didn't so I could play up the mock factor with Juliette, but I really liked going through this process, knowing how sexy I could make myself appear and being able to picture with perfect clarity the look of appreciative lust I could create in any man- specifically in Scott.

My mirror image was grinning wildly as I brushed through my hair and fixed it up, curling a few loose tendrils. I hadn't had a decent clubbing experience in far too long. I had gone a few times in Australia but it's just not that fun when you have to hold back because you know your boyfriend would have a heart attack if he realized you were grinding with someone while wearing a barely there skirt. Last summer, Scott and I had partied madly with some friends immiedietly following graduation but had spent the remainder of the summer in intimate corners of the world where everything else just fell away. We could be in a valley by the side of a mountain or sitting on the roof of his house surrounded by screaming four year old neighbours, it wouldn't matter. The point was we stayed away from the hyped up social scene. And he hadn't gotten a good dose of my abilities in the whole sex kitten portion of my personality. Yeah, I was pretty excited.

Okay, so one reason Scott and I hadn't really gone clubbing that often in the past is simply because Scott doesn't much like clubbing. The combination of the annoying music blaring and the mixture of sweat and alcohol in the air don't mix well with him apparently. It makes him feel like he's just been massively drugged up with all of the nauseous side affects and none of the happy airy feeling. I was going to change his mind about the experience.

Walking out of the washroom forty minutes later, I knew it was totally worth every single second.

You know those lame ass scenes in movies where the fugly dorky girl walks down the stairs after a massive make over and the guy's jaw just drops and it's like 'holy crap I never knew you looked so hot, let's go dance all night now'? Yeah this was so completely different from that.

I walked out and from Scott's expression, it was clear it wasn't him thinking 'I didn't know how good she looked' but just simply 'fuck she's gorgeous'. And it wasn't so much 'let's dance all night' as 'I'm getting a hard on as we speak'. His eyes just about glazed over and he almost slid right off the counter top he was perched on.

Now I have to say that he looked good too. Not that he ever has to put any effort at all into it. He had basically thrown on new pants and shirt and did something different with his hair. But his pants were the very nice black jeans that somehow managed to meld into his body perfectly without looking tight at all. They made his ass look stunning, let me tell you. He had on his token white wife beater peeking out from a dark green shirt that was two thirds buttoned up and I'd take this chance to point out how unfair it is that he doesn't have to do anything to look so devastatingly gorgeous but I'm too busy thanking God for the reality that he is mine to hold and touch and stare at forever.

Anyways, I was just walking out of the washroom and we just stared at each other in silence for a minute. I can't say what he was thinking about, but I personally was wondering if those classic fit jeans of his would rip right off if he did in fact get a hard on.

"Whoa." Scott murmured finally, a shy smile lighting up his features. "Just…whoa."

"We should go clubbing more often, shouldn't we?" I grinned. He plopped off the counter and pulled me towards him; his freakishly soft hands guiding my face to his. I recognized the slight hint of Red Zone and fresh laundry as he pressed against me and closed my eyes. He lightly buried his nose in my hair and sighed in content before pulling back.

"Let's walk down there."

"What's wrong with your car?"

"I just think walking would be better."

"It's like 8 degrees out there and it's too far too walk anyways-"

"Okay, a cab then."

"Scott, what-?"

"There's not a chance in hell I'm going to be able to concentrate on the road with you beside me, Shelby. We're going to total the car and die in a blaze of pain if we drive."

He was being completely serious. I snorted and we took a cab.

There was some traffic on the road which happened to be a blessing for us and a pain in the ass for the cabbie. Scott wasn't kidding. The second we sat down together and shut the door, he was against me, pressing his lips intensely against mine with a passion I hadn't seen in a while. His hands roamed around my body and my fingers laced through his hair, neither of us noticing how we were destroying our appearance.

If I ever thought that he didn't want me, I no longer was insecure. My zipper became unzippered, his lips travelled further down than they had ever travelled and I got to see that the answer to my previous curiosity was no, they wouldn't rip.

It felt so good. We had completely lost inhibitions and forgot all about the poor cabbie who had to share the same vehicle as us. Some animalistic intensity that I didn't know existed exploded out of Scott and time lost meaning. Everything was feverous, desperate, raw…

"Excuse me, we're here." The cabbie said, probably not for the first time. I reluctantly broke from Scott and looked up, both of us guiltily seeing the disapproving eyes reflected from the driver through the mirror. Scott tipped the cabbie generously and we hopped out of the car trying and failing to suppress gasps of laughter.

"We're just a bunch of sex crazed hormonal teenagers like all the others, aren't we?" he smirked.

I looked at him and at myself and snorted with laughter again. I had to yank my dress down and up in respective places and tried to adjust my bra over my clothes. Scott looked similarly dishevelled.

"Let's, um, freshen up, shall we? And by that I mean let's make ourselves look less like horny slaves to our passions." I grinned.

"You were right. We so need to go clubbing more often."

"If you're a good boy, I might put out tonight." I said cheekily.

"_I_ might put out tonight." He breathed as he kissed my neck. A wave of shock passed through me and I tipped his face to meet mine.

"No kidding?"

"We just about reached third base in a cab in the span of twenty minutes. At this rate…" he drifted off but the hungry way he was looking at me made it perfectly clear where he was headed with that sentence.

I kissed him briefly before pushing him towards a washroom. "Dance now. Crazy sex later."

He chuckled and disappeared off.

Oh yes, Shelby, this one was one of your better ideas.

The whole freshen up idea was for naught as the minute we got inside the club, we messed each other up all over again. I didn't know he had it in him but we basically had sex with clothes on out there. Seriously, it was possibly the hottest thing I've ever had happen to me. The lack of romance didn't matter so much to me at that moment.

"This is fucking awesome!" He yelled over the music.

I grinned and realized that it didn't matter if we were surrounded by a crap load of other people, it didn't matter that time had passed and we had grown different. We still had this insane passion for each other and it never mattered how many other people there were in this world- when it came down to it, to me there was only him and to him only me. My body never felt more attune to him, even though I wasn't connecting to him internally, we were physically closer than we had ever gotten and I hoped we would get even closer as the night wore on.

After a while, we got pulled apart somehow in the mad frenzy of dancing young people and the passionate animalism didn't die when we separated. A load of guys flocked to the hot chick who was totally rubbing herself against a guy (i.e., me) and my body was flowing and so I good naturedly grinded with a fair few strangers. I know that Scott was having fun too, though, he was getting hit on by a crap load of girls in that out fit of his that made him seem rich, tasteful, and mature and in that fit of rawness on the floor that made him seem passionate, forceful, and intense.

I slowly realized after who knows how long that it had actually been a while since I danced with Scott and after I quickly glanced around I realized he wasn't on the floor.

I shrugged off the guys and hunted for him through the crowd.

"You okay?" I finally found him.

"Yeah." He nodded, forcefully kissing me again. His breath smelled distinctly of alcohol and I shook my head in amusement.

"Finally! Strait laced Mr Perfect has finally given to his primal instincts."

He laughed and took a drink from the glass I didn't see him holding.

"Go back out there. You were having a blast. I'm just taking a quick break."

"You sure you're not all jealous? I could stop dancing with them if you minded."

"No, no, I don't mind." He waved me off and waved the bar tender over again to order some food. I stared at him for a moment longer and he chuckled at the doubt in my features. "I don't mind, Shel." A kiss, a pat on my ass, and I was sent on my way.

We were closer than ever physically but it finally clicked in to me how wrong it was that we were so apart feeling wise. Was it right that we were physically in tune but hadn't said more than a few sentences to each other all night? Was it right that this was feeling more like a casual date than a deep relationship?

_Shouldn't he care that I was dancing with other guys?_

_

* * *

_AN: I had more for this chap but it didn't really fit... what I shall do with it I don't know. Maybe I'll integrate it later. Every two weeks there'll be an update. Thanks for the support, and happy halloween! 


	27. No More Scott Languishing

**Juliette**

Boys are seriously impossible to understand. I just wish I had tried harder to see things through his mind instead of sulking in my own. For the first time ever, I realized Scott did care back then. The way he was so desperate to know if what we had was real surprised me; I hadn't thought he cared. For the first time, I realized I had hurt him, really hurt him, by getting close to Auggie when we were dating. I always assumed he had just had his ego bruised and that he was eager to move on to Shelby anyways, but I was wrong. I was selfish to think that way and my train of thought demeaned his character because Scott wasn't like that. He had cared about me and I hadn't fought for us.

When I told him maybe we shouldn't be together, I was obviously hoping to be contradicted and was so upset that he didn't fight for me. But clearly now I see that he deeply wanted me to contradict his statement that I cared about Auggie more then a friend should. I see now that when he didn't contradict me, he hadn't wanted me to walk out- I should have stayed, I should have taken back my rash words like I wanted to. Pride ruined our relationship but I see now that it didn't _make up_ our relationship. He did like me; he did want me as his girl.

He defended Auggie because I asked him to. I hoped it was for Auggie's sake but the two weren't close then- in fact they were pretty disgruntled because of me. But he helped Auggie, risked getting into trouble, risked physical danger, for me. And all he wanted back was for me to say I wanted him as my boyfriend.

I guess nobody can be faithful at sixteen. I did like Scott but Auggie was so different and he seemed to get me in different ways… and despite my words, we all knew that I didn't see Auggie as just a friend. I see now that it wasn't that Scott didn't want to understand me, I wouldn't let him. I let Auggie in because I wasn't scared he'd reject me for it- Auggie wasn't perfect, he wasn't golden boy Scott. Scott had seemed so pristine, he could have any girl he wanted- I didn't want him to be turned off by my issues. That was my mistake right there- by hiding my issues from him I put an emotional wall between us. He probably did try to break through it; I was just too preoccupied with rationalizing my desire for Auggie to give Scott credit where it was due. I was his girl and he cared and I always thought it was his fault we didn't make it. He was too jealous, too over protective, too untrusting. He didn't tell me to stay; he didn't tell me he wanted me.

_It was my fault_. He had reason to be jealous, overprotective, untrusting. His accusations were grounded, which means it lay entirely with me to say no, Scott, I want to be with you and only you; no, Scott, I don't want to break up. He cared and I cried thinking he didn't when I never showed him that I cared about him. I was more unfeeling; I acted like less of a girlfriend, when I had always thought it was his fault. I wasn't deep enough for him, he didn't want me because I was too light. _I never let him want me_, I kept pushing him away, kept distancing the two of us… No wonder he was frustrated by my bond with Auggie. I never let Scott bond with me. Appearances mattered too much to me.

And now I also know that if I had just seen this earlier, if I had just stopped caring about how I appeared to others… we could have lasted. Even then, we could have lasted. If I had shown him that I cared, if I had shown him I didn't want Auggie, if I had shown him I needed him and wanted to know him and wanted him to know me…

Maybe _we_ would have been the high school sweethearts.

I see that he wouldn't have gone to Shelby while with me. He had more of a back bone then I did. I wanted Auggie, he wanted me always when with me. It always had come down to who I wanted to hurt least, Auggie or Scott. My selfishness, my indecisiveness, my own confusion over what exactly I wanted, hurt both of them and at the time I hurt them I always blamed them for hurting me when I brought it all on myself.

I wanted to tell Scott some of my realizations when he sat beside me, pleading with me, when he was trying so hard to understand what went wrong with us. I had been so sure he was the one in the wrong that I had made him think so too. But what could I say? What could I tell him? It was all in the past and it was better that we moved on.

He cared. That warms me but more so then that it overwhelms me with guilt. Every moment I say I want him, I'll have to live with the fact that it's my fault I don't have him. Everything that's happened to me is my fault.

I can't think about this, I can't hold his hand and think about this. What do I want? Did I make a mistake those years ago by choosing Auggie? God, Scott gave me an ultimatum and I thought he was so overdramatic but he only did it because he wanted me- and he wanted me for me, not because he didn't want Auggie to have me. It wasn't pride that made him so angry, I had read him all wrong. I had never seen how badly I knew him until this moment. I threw it all away because I couldn't read the damn signals.

The signals weren't difficult. He was upset enough at our break up to go after Sophie… not even Shelby. I was instantly upset that he seemed to be getting along with Shelby, ignoring the fact that he was only friendly with the other girls because I hurt him. I didn't want him back then, did I? He wanted me but I didn't want him. And it's taken me three years to understand that. I didn't want him but I wanted Auggie and then when I had Auggie I didn't want Auggie but I wanted Scott. It's impossible to understand boys only when you can't even understand yourself.

"Do you want to get some ice cream or something?" Scott had asked me after we spent an age in the coffee shop that night. I knew he was trying to make things right again but I saw now that it wasn't possible for things to be like they once were. It was time to make up my mind and close the Scott-pining chapter completely.

I shook my head and revoked my hand.

I didn't turn to look at him, though I could feel his eyes on me. After a moment, a moment I should have spent saying something to alleviate the tenseness of the atmosphere but didn't, I heard him get up and leave.

Auggie hung out with me the following day. I really appreciated his presence but it was getting on my nerves that day; it was obvious he wanted to say something but he kept beating around the bush.

A few hours later that day, Shelby called my cell and invited us to go clubbing with her and Scott. Auggie was pumped to hit the scene and I decided to suppress my desire to stare into nothingness and attempt to enjoy myself. I hated clubbing. Too many girls dressed in slutty clothes and too many sleazy men trying to get in your pants. Ugh.

I trailed after Auggie, who had this excited grin on his face.

"Let's dance." He turned to me. I smiled and shook my head.

"I'll be right back. I'm just going to the washroom." He nodded and I watched him disappear into the faceless crowd.

On my way back from the washroom, I made a half hearted attempt to scan through the crowd and locate Auggie but I saw that he was plenty fine on his own, he was sandwiched between two girls and looked in his element.

"Juliette? What are you doing here?" I recognized the voice as Scott's and shifted to face him. He was standing near the bar, a drink in hand.

"Shelby invited us. Where is she, anyways?"

"Where's Auggie?"

"Dancing."

"So is Shelby." I turned to see where he was pointing and saw the blonde girl rubbing against some guys.

"Aren't you all possessive?" I raised my eyebrows.

"I'm all the way over here, getting steadily piss drunk. What do you think?" He snorted. "I don't care anymore. Nothing is worth getting all worked up. I hate this music and I hate that she seems to be having more fun with them than with me but hey, alcohol cures all pain. And right now? I no longer care."

I vaguely felt that I should probably take away his drink.

"Want to dance?" He grinned.

"Not particularly." He sloshed down the rest of his drink and I felt distinctly that he wasn't okay. He was grinning as wide as could be, but it didn't reach his eyes and his entire expression seemed so forced.

I assumed he was lying about not being jealous and said, "You know, Shelby's just having fun, it's not anything to be upset over-"

"What are you talking about?" He laughed. "I don't care."

He was acting so different than his usual self and I really didn't feel comfortable just leaving him there to drink. I guess I had to be a good friend and do something. I thought about getting Shelby to take him but she seemed to be having so much fun. Some one should be enjoying this night, and Shelby rarely went out these days to have fun. Auggie, meanwhile, had flown all the way here just to fix my problems; he deserved a night off.

"Do you still want to go for ice cream?" I asked him. I don't know why I recently felt so reluctant to spend time with Scott, but I just simply didn't want to be near him lately. Every time I did he usually said or did something that hurt me, intentionally or not.

Scott blinked up at me and nodded brightly. He slipped off the stool and for a moment I wondered if he was too drunk to walk. The ease in which he strode away surprised away those concerns. He wasn't nearly as drunk as I thought he was.

"We should probably tell Shelby." I said, half hoping that by doing so she would take him off my hands.

"I'll text her. Come on."

I glanced back at the dance floor, hoping to be able to say goodbye to Auggie, but Scott tugged at my elbow.

"Come on."

"Auggie-"

Scott scowled and his fake grin disappeared. "Are we having ice cream or not? Because I have another twenty bucks on me and its four dollar tequila night, which is pretty sweet, so if you'd rather grind with Don Juan over there, be my frickin guest-"

I inwardly sighed. So he was sober enough to walk and talk but drunk enough to act like a big baby. "Fine! God, let's go then."

He stared at me as I stomped towards the door.

"Why do you get mad so easily?"

"Why are you so impossible to predict? One minute you won't even talk to me or you're calling me names or you're all quiet and sad and then you get heartily drunk- actually, never mind, you are consistent in being a jerk."

"How am I being a jerk?"

I only glared and shoved my way through the crowd. Luckily, there was an ice cream cart a block down the street. I hoped I could make him shut up with something frozen and then convince him to go back home. Maybe then I could double back for Auggie.

"Juliette, I'm sorry for the newest thing you've decided to pitch a stupid ass fit over." He rolled his eyes as we were only feet away from the cart.

"Why did you suddenly decide to get hammered? You don't drink that often."

"Yeah I do. I only stopped last year because you felt it was your personal duty to look at me in that motherishly disapproving way of yours every time I came home drunk. And in case you didn't realize, having a mother hen lecture you on over partying when you have a crippling hang over doesn't make anything better. So I stopped."

"Well, excuse me for looking out for your ungrateful self." I crossed my arms.

His scowl gave way to a smile and this time I don't think it was forced. Of course, he was smiling in an amused way which meant he was finding my anger amusing, which wasn't any better than the fake grin.

"Okay. Thanks for watching out for me last year and for turning me into a big bore who doesn't get to drink without everyone getting all suspicious." He laughed.

"You're not a big bore." I indignantly responded. At his growing smile, I added haughtily, "And if you are, it's not my fault. I'm plenty interesting."

"Sure. With your anti-sex and your anti-drinking and anti-partying."

"I'm not anti-partying. I party."

He just looked at me in that light playful way of his (I've really missed that expression, he so rarely uses it) and I couldn't help but laugh. He chuckled with me and asked what ice cream flavour I wanted. I opted for vanilla, knowing full well he'd mock me for choosing the most boring flavour.

Instead, he handed me my cone and as we walked down the surprisingly quiet street, he broached a topic that was neither light or teasing.

"Do you still have feelings for Auggie?"

"That was random." I choked on my cone.

"Do you?" He had suddenly gone all serious and I saw that he wasn't in any mood for me to say something joking in response.

"Scott…" Okay, so I was saying his name to stall for time. Would it be awkward to tell him? Would he tell Auggie? Would he get mad? Why did he care?

But most importantly and most iffy to decide was did I even know for sure?I had to close the Scott-pining chapter of my life. It was Auggie I wanted to be with right now, it was Auggie I was thinking about, it was Auggie I wanted to be with. My brain had its answer. Then why did I get the feeling I'd be causing Scott pain if I said yes? Why was it so hard to say I did care about Auggie?

Scott and Shelby. Auggie and Juliette. It was what made sense. Scott would be happy for me right?

* * *

**AN:** Sorry to disappoint on the lack of hot love scene, haha. 


	28. I Hate Myself

**Scott**

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I was a shit disturber, that's what I was. Why in the hell did I think it was a smart idea to ask her if she wanted to be with Auggie? I would know soon enough anyways since he'd be asking her out any minute now. I shouldn't even care. I shouldn't even be here. Ice cream with Juliette instead of possibly sex with my girlfriend- oh yeah, that was smart. What was wrong with me?

No, I couldn't just wait for Auggie to ask her out. I needed this advance warning to settle my stomach and to give myself enough time to look sufficiently un-pissed. I cared way too much about this.

Juliette stared at her cone for what felt like an hour and it physically hurt me to see her so hesitant. The fact that her answer to my question made me so tense made me finally wake up at long last. I had probably known this for awhile now but it wasn't until now that I had let myself think about it. This was wrong. This wasn't what I was supposed to be feeling. I was with Shelby. I loved Shelby. Shelby and me made since. It was her that I confided in those years ago, it was her that made me feel like I could be okay again. It was her that I really first started caring for, it was her that made me realize I could love someone, that someone could love me.

But it was Juliette I was standing next to, it was Juliette I had been recently talking intimately with, it was Juliette that made my heart stop these days. Fuck it all I had been trying to ignore it and pretending it didn't exist and lying to myself all these days when the truth is… I clenched my jaw and had to consciously loosen my grip over my ice cream in danger of the cone being crushed. I had to admit it. I had deluded myself long enough.

The way she looked so torn right now, the way her smile could distract me from whatever crappy mood I happened to be in, the way Auggie's presence pissed the shit out of me even though he was like a brother to me…

The way I wanted to punch a wall when I hurt her, the way it felt when I could just hear her voice, the way my body softened when I felt her arms around me, the way her eyes lit up when I walked into a room…

The way she could calm me down no matter what, the way she could make me so angry just by being herself, the way everything she did was so idiotically frivolous and yet so damn endearing, the way she spoke to me truthfully while always keeping a light sugar coat on it to protect me as if I seriously needed protecting…

The way my rationality turned to shit when I let myself think about her for too long, the way my thoughts wandered to areas they weren't supposed to enter, the way I found myself missing her even when I stood right next to her, the way I sometimes wished Shelby wasn't here just so our bond could be what it once was…

I couldn't ignore it; I couldn't lie to myself any more. I asked Juliette if she still loved Auggie, I told Auggie to wait in asking her out, I left Shelby in the club grinding with other guys. There was no other explanation and even now I don't want to even think the thought. This isn't me. This isn't what I do. I'm a straight forward person who doesn't use people; I'm the type of guy who will always just go for what he wants, no wimpy tendencies or any of that shit.

I'm moral. I'm loyal. I'm faithful.

I'm the other half of Scott and Shelby. I'm her soul mate. She's my true love. There is no one else.

Juliette was the shallow fling I experienced before the real thing. Juliette was the superficial physical-only attraction that had never yielded any emotional benefits. We had both agreed later on that we were so much better as friends.

But if we were just friends, then why did time seem to stop when I asked her where her feelings lie? If I loved Shelby, only Shelby, why did I seem so damn concerned over where her romantic interests lay?

It wasn't brotherly affection; it wasn't protective tendencies of a good friend.

Sometime between now and when we first moved in together, I developed something for Juliette. I tried to focus so hard on Shelby, to do the right thing, the thing that made sense, but I had been lying all the while.

I couldn't let on what the truth was. But things change. People change. Juliette was there for me when I had no one else and she was my rock in this first year as a real adult, she was the one who watched over me and comforted me and laughed with me and cried with me. She was the one who I had grown to trust more than any other.

It frustrated me that I felt this way, that I cared this much but I had to admit it to myself. _I loved her. _She wasn't my sister and I didn't want her to date any one else not because they weren't good enough but because…they weren't me.

Fuck.

This was bad. This was so beyond bad. Auggie. Shelby. Fuck.

Juliette finally stopped looking at her cone and met my eyes. "Yes."

My world stopped.

She smiled. "I mean, I didn't know at first, but being with him again… I missed him a lot. And I need him, I guess. I mean, I know you have Shelby and you'll still always be there for me, but I need more then that. And Auggie is what I need. It was kind of my fault that we ended, but I hope I can fix it. I think I do want to be with him again, to try again, if he'll still have me."

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"It's the right thing, isn't it? We can be Shelby and Scott, Juliette and Auggie again. Just like when we graduated."

"High school is a lot different than real life, Juliette."

"It doesn't have to be. You and Shelby lasted this long."

"Listen, a lot has happened since high school. I don't think you should try to make it work if you two have changed so much-"

"But essentially we haven't. You weren't there Scott, when we caught up. It was like nothing had changed, like we were sixteen again and nothing else mattered. I really missed him when he was gone and so what If things change? Some things don't have to change and maybe I can finally be happy this way. You had to have noticed how moody I've been lately. Auggie's changed all that."

"Juliette-"

"Why aren't you happy for me?" She suddenly interrupted me, a puckered frown on her face.

"What? Who's to say I'm not?" I said defensively.

"You're trying to talk me out of it."

"No I'm not- I'm just trying to make sure you make the right choice, that's all."

"No, what you want is for me to be alone and depressed and reliant on you like I was last year even though you've found your girlfriend again. I mean, it's like you want to be happy yourself but you want me moping around just so you can have a back up person to bitch to when things don't go your way!" Oh great, angry Juliette had reared its self righteous head.

"So says the person who's been whining at me for the past month to pay more attention. You're the clingiest person I know! I'm just trying to be a good friend."

"Who asked you to be my watch dog? When I need you, you're no where to be found but the second I find someone who could be good for me you feel threatened and don't want to be replaced. It's such bull! You just want me so no one else will have me so I'll be your reliable friend forever."

"You just have to pick something to argue about, don't you?" I sighed in frustration. "You have to be such a fucking drama queen. I've done nothing but look out for your best interests these past months and this is how you choose to repay me?"

"You're always an ass lately, have you noticed?" She glared. "I'm going back to the club."

I grabbed onto her arm but she shook off my grip. "I don't understand you anymore." She sounded scandalized and I wanted to scream at her for being angry but I knew I couldn't.

She was my friend. I was her friend. There was nothing else there. Everything between us was so platonic it was sickly. I had to pull my head out of my ass and stop wanting stuff that I couldn't have. What, were things going too smoothly for me? I just had to pick something to rupture things, didn't I?

Shelby was at the club and Juliette was right here and I couldn't distinguish anymore why everything had turned out this way. I had always claimed Jules was just a friend… a sister, even. Truth is, I knew so long ago it was more than that. It was this nagging thought at the back of my mind, making me feel so fucking guilty that I had no choice but to push her away and to immerse myself in Shelby. I once said that I felt so guilty for being close to Juliette and that's true- I let myself become closer to her than to my girlfriend and at some point it became so much easier to be around Juliette than it was to be near Shelby. In trying to do the right thing, I think I may have alienated both of them.

Juliette was still staring at me, her eyes all cross and accusatory. I finally got fed up with her doing that and I brushed past her, making my way back to the club.

She followed me and we walked in a sullen silence until she felt the need to bitch some more.

"He was there when you weren't, you know."

"And all of last year, where was he then?"

She exhaled loudly and pointed out that Shelby wasn't around last year either.

"Look at how you took her coming back. Seriously, you were pissed at being replaced as main confidante in my life when she came back, remember? You have no right to spazz out at me now after your own reaction."

"I never wanted you to break up with her-"

"That's a load of crap."

"I wanted you to be happy and I wanted you to stop ignoring me, I didn't want your relationship to crash and burn because, hello, you love her! And if I love Auggie and you're a real friend, you'd be happy that I'm finally being with someone again. In case you've failed to notice, I didn't date last year, not seriously. My last serious relationship was Auggie. Doesn't that tell you anything?"

"You think I'm this selfish prick who's got some sort of addiction to being your crutch, don't you? I thrive off your misery because it somehow makes me feel less fucked up? That's not how I feel at all and I'm frankly pissed off that you think I'm like that after all we've been through!"

"After all we've been through, you'd think you'd be celebrating with me that the one thing I wanted all of last year has finally happened."

"This isn't what you wanted all of last year."

"You were the one who had to deal with my late night 'I'm going to die alone' break downs. What else could I have wanted?"

"You rebounded after awhile. You were okay again."

"I need people. You said it yourself. I need someone to care and maybe you say things will be like they were, but they won't and I'm not mad at you anymore for that. Shelby's here and you can't keep watching over me- that'll only strain your relationship with her and sooner or later you'll resent me for being the cause of that. So I'm not going to be the selfish one anymore demanding your attention."

"I'll pay more attention… Jules, I'm sorry for being distant, okay? I'll stop, it'll be different, I mean it this time! I can be better, it can be like last year-"

"Stop it, no it can't. Maybe I don't want it like last year. I want Auggie."

"You only want him because you can't have me." The words blurted out before I could think about their impact and I instantly regretted them since her eyes turned to blackness and I could just feel an emotional door slam shut inside her.

"You're such an egomaniac. Can it be possible in your little self centred world that maybe, just maybe, someone can care about a guy who's not you? You're not exactly a pillar of understanding and you think you're so great but Auggie's more of a help to me than you have ever been. He's always gotten me better than you did and he's never actually hurt me. And I wasn't going to replace you but after all this? I don't think I want to be your friend any more." She ranted.

"Fine. Walk out of my life. You ever wonder why everyone keeps leaving you? Why your family can just move away, why you don't have very many loved ones who actually give a rat's ass about you?"

"Don't go there!"

I was being malicious but my mouth spouted words even though my conscience was screaming at me not to. "Why, shallow little Princess can't take the truth?"

She slapped me.

I stood stunned for a moment, my face stinging with pain. She hadn't done that before.

* * *

Back at the club a while later, I found my way back towards Shelby and shoved the guys off of her. I pressed my lips against hers heatedly and ignored all sense of right and wrong. My morals had gotten me no where so far. My feelings always landed me in trouble and any attempt at rectifying it always made things worse. So fuck it all.

I loved Juliette. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be true, it wasn't rational…

Juliette was with Auggie. Auggie and Juliette. Scott and Shelby.

Why the fuck did things have to change?

"Are you okay? You seem tense." Shelby breathed.

"I'm fine." Before she could question my response, I pulled her towards me again and kissed her. I was doing it to make her shut up. I was doing it to make my brain stop thinking and to make my eyes stop seeing and I hated myself so much at that moment. Shelby deserved better than this but where had my morals gotten me in life?

I was a horrible human being. I was the guy I never was, I was the guy I used to want to pummel. What was wrong with me?

I was trapped. It scared the shit out of me.

* * *

AN: FF wasn't letting me put this up til now, sorry for the delay.

Shelby: We very likely will head into the 40s

Omie: I know J/S is a hard sell, hope I can persuade you of its plausability eventually :)

Thanks for the input. Aghhh can you believe Nov is already almost over? It's scary how fast time passes.


	29. Frustration Personified

**Shelby**

Scott had faded off my radar for a while that night at the club, until he finally got his intensity back and stuck his tongue down my throat. He was upset about something, and as much as I'd like to say it was possessiveness, I doubt that was the reason. Supportively Selfless Shelby would have pulled back and fawned and prodded him over his mood, but My Boyfriend is Seriously Gorgeous and I am Insanely Horny Shelby pushed back the desire to talk. Angry Scott wasn't a good thing, unless it translated into passionate feiry Scott which it seemingly did a lot- for example, he was all pissed with himself, Elaine, and Sophie when he kissed me for the first time. I don't actually want him to be pissed off, but I've found that anger can be an emotional gateway that can make us closer. Oh all right, so I was just horny.

Looking back, I can easily see the parallels between that night and the night he first kissed me, the night we first started having a mutual taste for each other, the night he finally confessed his burden. Except this time it wasn't an opportunity to bring us together.

He kissed me and I reciprocated quite willingly for a while until he started getting rougher and going further. My senses returned to me and I vaguely registered the fact that we were on a crowded dance floor and I was not about to do anything as slutty as he was clearly heading towards.

"Not here." I broke apart from him and grabbed his hand, dragging him across the floor and out of the club. I noticed the distant expression on his face, like he wasn't all there, but I chalked it up to lust.

We tumbled back to our apartment and we mutually migrated towards my room. As his fingers caressed my body over my clothes, I wondered if this was really how I wanted our first time to be like. I mean, I know I'm no virgin, and I know I've been itching to sleep with him, but I figured since this would be technically his first time, and he was really important to me, I thought it would be a touch more romantic. I was one of those girls who indulged themselves in the fantasies of rose petals and candles, dinner and whipped cream and cherries. Soft music, beautiful moonlight, a loving serenading on his part... you know, the clichéd crap that people like me mock until they have the chance to experience it.

I didn't expect that this would be our first time. Not tonight. Not after going clubbing. Not after I grinded with half the club for half the night. If we did it this way, it would feel like a one night stand- guy sees girl at club. Girl is sexified in tight dress and signals interest. Mating progresses.

The two of us didn't do things this way. We were too serious, too involved, too different.

But the other side of my brain was screaming at me to shut off my rationalities and to just enjoy the damn moment. That side was worried if I said something to stop it, he would get flustered and we would not have this chance again for a long, long time. The rational side countered that if that was the case, it was all the more reason for me to stop it since he clearly couldn't be totally ready to do it if his mind could be changed so easily. Did I really want it to be a completely spur of the moment thing? I never felt him like that, it was supposed to be an extremely important moment, did I really want it to pass by like this? I wouldn't be given a second first time with him- it could change everything, it could ruin everything.

He unbuttoned his jeans and in doing so, I pulled back to give him more space. I stared at him for a moment, the mini battle in my mind was still being waged. He kissed my neck and his hands glided over my bare shoulders, slowly sliding to where my zipper lie. If I was going to stop it, I had to do it now. His fingers pushed down my dress and I let my own hands fit between his curls. Oh, just shut up brain. Scott guided me backwards onto my bed and pressed his lips against the skin around what few garments I still had on, his hands confidently working on discarding said garments.

I started undoing his shirt. He helped me and shrugged it off. My nails found their way under his wife beater, finding and evoking pleasure upon touching his abdomen. He threw off the shirt. Oh Lord, the greatness of a shirtless Scott. Leaning down against me again, his body over mine on the bed and my bra strap slipping off my shoulders with everything feeling so nice and so, so close to what I've been waiting for, he seemed distinctly opposite from being nervous. Later when I picked apart the moment, I would find it odd that he was so sure of himself when just a short while ago he had turned to mush upon accidentally finding me out from the shower.

The bed melted into me and my eyes focussed on my boyfriend as he was poised to unclasp my bra. I shifted so that I could feel his chest against my chest and the proximity also allowed me to feel something else of his against me. So, so close…

I was going to lose control soon. With a sigh, I breathed in Scott's ear, "I've waited so long for this…"

He smirked but only replied with a distracted, "Mmmhmm."

His lips were on my breast now and I told him as I have told him many times before, "Scott, I love you so much."

The spell broke somehow. He stopped what he was doing. For a second, he just paused without looking up but then he glanced into my eyes and I was confused at the look of pain he was displaying.

"Shel…"

As he stared into my eyes, the distracted daze he had been displaying disappeared completely and he looked over my body, and then at his body, and then at the bed. With a jolt, he sprang away from me, leapt off the bed, and quickly turned to face the wall, leaning an arm against it for support.

I was bewildered. I didn't do anything wrong, did I? "Scott?" I slid off the bed and walked over to him in concern. I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned over to try to see his face. "What's wrong? What happened?"

I saw his Adam's apple move up and down but he didn't respond.

I leaned my cheek against his back. "Listen, it's okay. I understand if you want to wait…" Actually, I didn't understand. What the hell was going on in his head?

"Shel… Oh God, Fuck it!" He was muttering to himself, his voice thick with emotion.

"What-"

His eyes shut and he repeated 'fuck', before hitting the wall with his hand and abruptly leaving the room.

Naturally, I took a few steps in the same direction and with another bout of confusion I saw that his eyes were watering. It somehow seems disrespectful to say that he was crying, but he was pretty close to doing that. I saw that he left because he didn't want me to witness the show of emotion and Supportive Selfless Shelby would have left him alone out of respect for his privacy but as one can see, I wasn't exactly in Supportive Selfless Shelby mode.

I followed him. "Scott, talk to me. Say something."

He turned away from me. He was always so damn self conscious about crying, despite the fact that I've seen him do it more than a few times.

"Scott!"

Maybe he recognized the urgency or the hurt or the worry in my tone, but he finally did make an effort to meet me in the eye. It was for barely a second and he said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." God, the tears weren't just gathering in his eyes anymore, they were slipping down his cheek.

"I already said I'd understand if you're not-"

"It isn't that. I- I really don't deserve you, Shel. How'd a guy like me get you? Fuck… I never meant… I would never have wanted to hurt you."

"I'm not hurt, what are you rambling about? You're a great person, why are you saying these things?"

I couldn't comprehend him but when I tried to touch him again, he jerked away and looked away. "I'm so sorry." He repeated and then retreated to his room, shoulders vibrating and eyes terribly wretched.

The next day, I wondered if he would deny anything happened, or if he would try to explain to me what it was that happened. Instead, he turned to the tried and true method of avoidance. He murmured a good morning and scuttled out as soon as he could.

He came back in the evening and I was made aware of the tension in the room. Scott and I clearly weren't talking, but neither were Scott and Juliette, and Scott and Auggie weren't all that vocal either.

"What the hell?" I'm not known for my extraordinary patience in matters as petty as the awkward silence. "What's going on? Nobody's saying much. What happened yesterday?"

Juliette glared at Scott, who looked away instantly. Auggie watched the exchange and stared at Scott with a muddled and indistinguishable emotion.

Juliette apparently let her little Princess mood swings get the better of her and she exclaimed, "Scott's a jerk. That's what happened. He's needy and gets a kick out of being the Golden Boy who's better than anyone else and clearly knows better than anyone else."

Scott clenched his jaw but didn't retort, which in itself is an anomaly.

"Silent now, are you? Finally." She continued coldly.

"Jules, lay off." Auggie sighed, though he wasn't looking too sympathetic.

"I'm a jerk. I'm selfish and I make mistakes and I like it when people think I'm better than I am. Wow, how horrible. I get jealous like any other guy on the planet- get over it. I'm en emotional basket case and nobody can understand me, right? So why don't you all just leave? Just shut up and if you don't want to be around me- don't be. I'm not forcing you to be in my life!" He snapped hoarsely and slammed the door on his way out of the apartment.

I turned to Juliette suspiciously. "Okay, what in God's name was that about?"

Juliette looked at Auggie, hesitated, but swallowed it and answered forthrightly, "He's mad that I'm closer to Auggie than I am with him because he likes it when I'm a miserable roommate who can make him feel better about himself. That's what's going on. Stupid jealous jerk."

"There's nothing to be jealous about, is there?" Auggie pointed out. Juliette straightened and looked at him, a perplexed frown forming on her face.

"Isn't there?" she said, her voice wavering.

I wasn't in the mood for this. Auggie and Juliette could work out their little romance drama on their own. I left the room.

He was jealous? Scott was jealous of Auggie when he wasn't jealous of the boys rubbing against me in the club. Scott was worked up about a stupid friendship being reignited.

What about me? What was going on? He can't be mad at Auggie and Juliette. That's so irrational and stupid and petty and unreasonable.

I exhaled in frustration. Why was it that no matter what I did, he seemed to always care more about what was going on with Juliette than what was going on with me?

Why did he stop when I said I loved him?

Why was he such a basket case?

WHY was he so jealous of Auggie?

A short time passed and I heard the door close. Someone either left or came back. I peeked out. Juliette had left.

Juliette was not a reliable source of information since she tended to be melodramatic and, forgive me for being blunt, she could be narcissistic. So I felt it was necessary to ask Auggie about it.

"Well?" I said. "Is Scott being a manbitch about you being close to Juliette?"

He half shrugged but I stared at him pointedly until he answered me. "I don't know. Yes. Okay, fine, he is. I asked him about something the other day about me and Jules and he got touchy. I don't think he'd be cool with us if we dated again."

Auggie, I hoped, was a bit more impartial to this than Jules was so I guess it was true. That pissed me off. "He has no right to be jealous of you and Juliette."

"Well, she has said he's like a brother to her. He's her guardian. He watches out for her."

I wasn't convinced and I think Auggie only said that as a hopeful hypothesis rather than an obvious statement.

"I have a right to be mad, don't I?"

"You're jealous because he's close with his friend. He's jealous because she's close with her friend." Auggie pointed out, a grin popping up on his face.

I relented. "Geez you're annoyingly perceptive. But that doesn't justify it- I'm jealous because he's my boyfriend, Juliette isn't his girlfriend and-"

"Insecure?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you think Scott loves you?"

"I know he does!"

"Do you think Jules would really go back with him or even allow him to think about going back with her after all the stuff you guys have been through?"

"No…"

"Has Scott ever given you real evidence to make you think he's anything less than faithful?"

"Auggie, I'm more concerned about the fact that he gets more emotional on Juliette's behalf than on mine, not over the possibilities of real cheating. I know he'd never do that, but you have to admit he's too close with Jules."

"Shelby, you know Meat as well as I do- he's as loyal as a dog and crazy about you. He's being a bastard, but he has those moments. Maybe he is just concerned. His anger is stupid but you should talk to him about it."

"He won't talk to me. He's avoiding me." I grudgingly informed Auggie. "I can't understand him. He's so moody and he won't let me in any more. And he's jealous about you two, honestly!"

"Talk to him. It's the only way."

"I will if you'll finally talk to Juliette. You do want to be with her, don't you?"

"I don't know if she wants me…"

I raised an eyebrow. "I think it's safe to say she's crazy about you."

He smiled with pleasure. "I sure hope so. I just wanna make sure she's for real. I don't want to try again unless she really wants to make it work this time."

"That reminds me, you never did tell me why you broke up with her to begin with."

"Another story for another time that with luck, I will never have to tell." Auggie said grimly.

I nodded and allowed the conversation to disperse. Despite the attempts at comforting my anger, I wasn't okay with the way Scott was behaving. You can't just almost have sex with your long time girlfriend, run out on her, and then avoid her. He was being infantile.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn't understand him anymore.

* * *

**AN: **Haha, since Scott is normally a universally adored HG character despite his flaws, I figured it was time to bring to the forefront that he does make mistakes. I don't think he's a bad person, not even now- he's just confused. He is a nineteen year old college kid, after all, you can't expect him to have fallen in love with one girl and to never look at another one or to ever think about other things. He is trying to do what's right- it's just hard since he has no idea what right is any more. He's going to stop avoiding his problems eventually but in the mean time, it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

As for the Greg Smith search? Sadly, I couldn't find him. I still vaguely hope I'll run into him on the streets or something.

And Auggie isn't nearly as oblivious as he may seem. He doesn't get his own POV so it's hard for the other characters to gouge his real thoughts but next chapter it'll be clear that he knows more than people expected. After all, he did catch on to Juliette's wandering feelings for Scott even though Auggie wasn't seeing her face to face or witnessing their closeness first hand.

Thanks for the feedback.


	30. A Decision & a Promise Made

**Juliette**

I_ hate him._

_I hate him for making me do this, for giving me no other choice. I hate him for putting me in this situation._

_I glanced at the apartment one more time. The door was shut and I wondered if he would come after me. It didn't much surprise me that he didn't. The man I was so close to would have stopped me, would have talked to me. I don't know what happened to make him into this cold jerk, but I no longer think it's worth it to find out._

_He's only made it that much easier for me to cut him out of my life completely._

**Earlier…**

"_There's nothing to be jealous about, is there?" _

I almost threw up when he said that. How could he even ask that?

"_Isn't there?" _

"Juliette. I came back because I was worried about you. You're okay. I came because we're still friends under all those blankets of melodrama you've managed to weave for us. Friends."

He wasn't being mean or anything; his voice was soft and he wasn't trying to be malicious. I was still confused, though. I knew that I had hurt him a lot when we broke up, but I also knew that if he only saw me as a friend, it would have been very unlikely that he'd just up and leave the country to be with me. Maybe I took it for granted how much he cared about me and I inadvertently downplayed the wound I cut into him.

"I- what are you trying to say?"

"You didn't choose me, Jules. I didn't want you to leave your life for me, I didn't want you to make no unreasonable sacrifice. I just wanted you to care about me- to make me your first choice. I was second to Meat once, remember? It sucked back then even when I didn't even really know you. I'm not going to stand here and pretend like last year didn't happen; I didn't come back because I've forgiven you. I came back because despite what you've done to me, I still was able to see what you needed, even when you didn't."

"You've told me you care about me so many times-"

"You will always be someone I care about. Just like Meat is someone I care about. It's been a whole year, Juliette! A year! Was I supposed to wait for you to grow up? No one is worth being treated like a dog for."

"I never-"

"Yes you did. You were interested in me for a long time, but when you ended up living with him-"

"I was barely a good friend of Scott's when I moved in with him, I wasn't-"

"The point is, Scott has nothing to be jealous about."

"Just like you had nothing to be jealous about when I moved in with him."

"Are you actually going to stand there and deny that you felt something for him?" He snorted incredulously.

"Well, like you said, it doesn't really matter any more, does it? We're just friends." I pretty much spat the words in a very tantrum-like way. "I'm going out."

He didn't come after me for another ten minutes. I know because I wanted him to find me, to come after me, to talk to me and to rinse the tension away from our situation. I know because I happened to stomp all the way out the door and then around to the elevator before turning to face the apartment door. When he didn't come out immediately, I gritted my teeth indignantly and crossed my arms in impatient wait. He would come. I wouldn't forgive him if he didn't.

It was my fault. I don't know what's going on in his head, but somehow I just know he still cares about me more than in a friend way. Maybe he's iffy about starting a relationship with me, but it can't be possible that he hasn't at least considered the thought. Maybe I should be more emphatic in my hints that I would probably kiss him if he just gave me the chance. Maybe he doesn't know I still care about him. Or does he still think I want Scott?

I don't. I really don't. Why can't Auggie see that?

I was just about to give up and actually leave the stupid building when Auggie finally emerged from the apartment.

"You're still here." He stated in amusement.

I crossed my arms. "Took you long enough to come after me."

He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably to stall for time. I was not to be stalled. "That _is_ what you were doing, right? Or were you not intending to see where I had gone?"

"Aw, don't be like that." He took my hand and pulled me to sit down with him against the apartment door. "I guess we should talk. I've kinda been avoiding it…"

Why would he have wanted to put off this talk unless he meant to break off any hope of continuing our relationship? He didn't want to hurt me so he didn't want to talk about it. What if he had gotten over me completely? What if he no longer saw in me anything desirable? What if he had a new girlfriend back home?

That last thought freaked me out completely. He had been fairly vague about his last year. What if he was really serious with another girl? What if he felt sorry for me because I seemed to actually stupidly believe he still cared for me like that?

I shut my eyes in an obvious wince. "This isn't something I want to hear, is it?"

"I don't know what it is you wanna hear, Jules."

I re-opened my eyes. "How could you not?"

"Well, no offence Twig, but you have a habit of sending out screwy mixed signals."

I stared at him for a moment, willing my brain to come up with something affirming how much I hated that we were still only dancing around the stupid elephant in the room and how I did want him…

When the words didn't come, I willed him to continue with something proclaiming how much he wanted to forget about the past year and to just try again.

He didn't say anything more. I stared at him and I knew he was waiting for me to speak. He was done making all the steps in the relationship; in the past he had been the one to take the initiative most of the time. I guess he wanted me to grow some courage and to say what it was I had to say without encouragement. Maybe that way it would prove to him that he wasn't a second choice.

I was scared. I sucked at first moves. Well, actually, thinking back, I did make the first move with Scott. And that actually turned out rather well…

Damn it brain, shut up about him…

Auggie was still looking at me expectantly. The words were still lost in my head and I didn't think I could say anything intelligent right now.

He sighed. "In case you were wondering, that right there was your cue to tell me what it is you want instead of sending me screwy mixed signals."

I tried to say something. Really, I did. My tongue froze up and I managed to look like a gaping goldfish but I couldn't force out words.

Auggie looked pained. "Fine." He stood up. "Don't say anything. Don't clear anything up. Are you happy just leading me on like a puppy? Are you happy having me come all this way only to find that you still have nothing to say for yourself after all this time? I deserve some sort of explanation. But I should've known. It's you I'm talking to. Obviously you still have no clue what you want. Or maybe you do and once again it's not me. I wonder now if it's ever been me."

He clenched his jaw and turned from me. Instinctively, I knew with a panic that if I let him leave now that was it for us. This was my chance to take a stand and choose, to re-start the relationship. It was my responsibility to do so and this was the only second chance I'd get with him. And here I was, sitting here and letting him walk away.

It was pure fear of losing him that made me suddenly fling out my hand and grab onto his arm. He looked annoyed at first but instead of analyzing what it was I should do next, I followed my impulses just as I did with Scott that one day.

"It's you." I pulled him down to me, accidentally knocking him rather hard against the floor, and kissed him fiercely. All the while, my mind was screaming at me for being such an idiot. What was I doing? What would he do? What would this mean? Was this a mistake?

Auggie pulled away from the kiss and looked away, his entire body stiff.

That was not a good response.

"Juliette…" He softly murmured, "I… I'm not sure this is…"

"Is there someone else?" I didn't mean to say it, but it blurted out anyways. "Did you find another girl and get over me and I just completely misread everything and am acting like a totally idiot and you don't even see me like that any more and you're wondering now just what the heck to say to me since I'm going to start blubbering like I always do because I'm such an idiot!" Like I said, coherency was not something working in my favour today. The panic was clear in my voice and I wanted to run away but his astonished laughter stopped my self-conscious worrying and made me open my eyes.

"Another girl?" He laughed, chuffing my chin affectionately. "Another girl?" He looked at my flushed face and shook his head. "Is that what you really think? That I…" He breathed in deeply and told me, "Jules, I haven't been able to think about anyone else for most of the time I've known you. I was not a fun person to be around last year. No, there is no other chick. There's only you. There's only ever been you. That's not the problem…"

"Then, what is the problem? Why won't you let me kiss you?" I frowned.

"Bonita, why did we break up? And please don't start talking about how jealous or insecure or anything I was. You know that's not why."

I suppose he wasn't going to let me get away with denying it any longer. My throat felt raw as I said the words I hadn't let myself speak before. "We broke up because I started feeling things for your best friend. We broke up because I was stupid and silly and didn't know how good I had it."

He smiled a completely amusement-free smile and nodded in agreement. "And now, miel, where are still living? Who are you still closest to? Whose attention did you miss so much that you started cutting again?"

"Auggie." I said firmly, "Scott's still a very good friend. But I've realized something. He's not you. And maybe I was confused before about what I felt, but I know now that he really is just a friend. It's you I want. It's you who's been better to me than anyone else, it's you I feel closest to…" Come on, Juliette, you can do this. "Auggie, it's you I love." I thought I might just throw up from the levels of toxic anxiety I felt right then. If he rejected me…

"Are you sure? Because I won't be mad if you're not, you can have all the time you want to think about it. But Jules, you have to know how unforgivable it will be if you tell me you're sure and you're not. I wasn't okay when we ended last year but I managed. If you make me go through it all again, there will never be another 'us'. So be very careful right now, okay? I can't take losing you twice."

"Augusto. Listen to me." I smiled playfully. "I. Want. You."

A warmth I deeply missed exuded from his features and his entire face lit up into the youthful innocence he once carried before everything was ruined. I hadn't noticed before how sad he looked until I was able to compare that sadness to this happiness. It was I who broke him into that little sad shell and I was glad it was I who restored the soul I managed to wound.

Auggie nodded, a small smile lingering on his lips. "Okay. Good." He cupped my face and in one smooth, gorgeous movement pressed his lips against mine ever so gently. I felt the locks of his hair and ran my fingers over his jaw, neck, shoulders as if my fingers themselves were re-remembering motions once second nature. Muscle memory returned and it felt like home- natural, safe, and soothing.

"I've missed this so much." I said against his chest as we mutually leaned away to breathe.

"I've missed you so much." He responded softly, kissing my forehead adoringly.

Abruptly, we both fell backwards as the door we were leaning against opened.

"Jesus!" Auggie exclaimed just as Shelby yelped out a '_Christ!' _

"What the hell are you two doing?"

I grinned. "Making out."

"…Oh my God, are you two back together?"

Auggie nodded and helped me to my feet, resting his hand on my waist. "Do you approve?"

Shelby was ecstatic and pulled the two of us into a huge hug. "This is awesome! Maybe now Princess will stop moping so much. I'm so happy for you guys!"

I laughed and everything felt right.

Until, of course, a confused fourth voice asked, "What's going on? What are we celebrating?"

I opened my eyes and found myself staring into the bright blue eyes of Scott, who was just coming home.

Shelby answered excitedly, "Auggie and Juliette are together again. All is right with the world."

I smiled at Scott hesitantly, hoping he would be happy for us too and not try once more to poke a hole into a perfectly fine moment.

He didn't look thrilled. In fact, his face closed up. He went all stony for a moment but then a forced smile appeared. I highly doubted it fooled anyone.

"Oh." He said.

"Oh? Oh?" Auggie raised his eyebrow. "Is that all you have to say?" He suddenly seemed defensive, almost angry.

"Congratulations." Scott offered.

The awkward levels in the hallway skyrocketed and I really wished he would just go into the apartment and leave us alone now.

"Thanks." I answered. The emotion in the area had deflated. Thanks a lot, Scott.

"This is great, really. Congratulations." Scott repeated, his smile loosening up and looking a bit more natural now. He opened his arms up to me and hugged me warmly. His cheek touched mine and my hand found its way to his curls. "I hope you'll be happier this way." Before pulling away, he kissed me on the cheek like a proper big brother should.

And then Scott turned to Auggie, slapping him on the back affectionately and half hugging him. Auggie wasn't exactly receptive, he was almost cold.

Later, I would find out that was because Auggie was no longer suspicious of my feelings for Scott but of Scott's for me. Later, Auggie would ask me something that I would respond correctly to but which would bother me for a very long time.

"_Jules, if Scott wanted to be with you again-"_

"_He won't. Shelby, remember?"_

"_If Scott wanted to be with you again… Would you want him? I don't want to be your second choice, tossed away when your first choice opens up… Jules, honestly?"_

"_He would be a jerk if he wanted to be with me. I don't see him that way- he's a brother, that's it. And I'm sure that's all he feels for me anyways"_

"_But if he didn't?"_

"_It's you I love."_

"_Okay. I love you too. Just promise me, if he ever tells you he wants to be with you, promise me you won't suddenly realize you still care about him that way?"_

"_I promise."_

I watched Scott hug Auggie, watched his sad eyes, and hoped desperately it was because he was still being all protective and big brother-y. I felt a little twinge of sadness myself and hoped to God it was just because Scott burst my bubble.

There was nothing to have lost. Scott and Shelby. Auggie and Juliette. That was what made sense.

Scott was being stupid.

I was doing the smart thing.

And at that moment, I knew I would be moving out. At that moment, as Scott's lips pressed against my cheek, I knew I would not be able to continue being his roommate.

If I need to villanize Scott to do it, so be it.

* * *

**AN: **Sorry about the 4 day delay. Christmas and all got in the way. Hope you all had a good Christmas, and have a great start to 2007 :)

And Shelby will be confronting Scott soon. The next while is _not_ going to be pleasant for him. Thanks for the feedback, all.


	31. Someday Soon, AA Will Call Out to Me

**Scott**

So I made an idiot of myself by asking Juliette if she still cared about Auggie and she said she did. That piece of information was meant to prepare me for the inevitable reunion.

If that was why I did it, why did I still feel so blinded when the two officially got back together the next day?

I should have been expecting it. I should have been able to pull myself together and not look like a dick. Juliette's already pissed at me for my lack of support in her relationship, I knew I had to be unruffled by it.

The realization now is that I simply suck at the whole pretending thing. I either have an overly expressive face or a blank one. It's too bad that all three of the people I was attempting to mask myself from already know how to read me.

Why did my emotional epiphany come now?

Why did I have to do everything wrong?

The taste of what I did the night before overwhelmed my throat and the sight of a happy Juliette and a hesitant Shelby made me want to vomit. Literally. I managed to wait until the couple left the apartment before I whirled away from Shelby, who was attempting to say something, and I locked myself in the washroom.

Yeah so that's about the least subtle thing I could have done. Everyone was pissed at me now anyways. And I was seriously about to retch.

I leaned over the toilet. My eyes squeezed themselves shut. My hands were chilled by the sides of the toilet and my stomach felt unpleasantly hollow as it emptied itself.

I loved Juliette.

Juliette loved Auggie.

Shelby loved me.

God.

I

Almost

Slept

With

Her.

The thought of my selfishness in that near act made me gag. After every thing we had been through together, after everything Shelby had done for me, I had almost used her body as a distraction.

She thought we were on the verge of 'consummating our love'.

But I know perfectly well I was there to feel good again, to forget again. I was going to treat her like a cheap lay when she had been making out that moment to be so monumental.

Guys like me should not have girlfriends like Shelby.

I was going to end up hurting her.

I'm a horrible person.

And Juliette is with Auggie.

The tenseness straining my legs released and my knees relaxed against the tile. One of my arms fell against the seat and I leaned my forehead against my arm.

How did this happen?

"Scott. I'm coming in. Are you okay?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

I couldn't talk to her

I couldn't let her see me this way

She would know

She always knows

She was going to ask questions

I had no answers

She was going to look at me with those trusting, understanding eyes

And I was going to disappoint her

I was going to let her down like I let down everyone who knew me.

I couldn't do that.

I picked myself up off the floor and wiped my mouth sloppily. Ignoring the feeling in my chest, I ripped open the door and tried desperately not to look at Shelby, who took it upon herself to be positioned in front of me. Side stepping her, I made for the door.

Shelby wasn't easily deterred and she grabbed my arm.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I don't have any explanation, I don't have any excuse or sentiment or emotion to explain to you. I can't. Not right now." I softly said.

"We have to talk about it."

"I ca-"

"No! No. You do not get to do all that shit you've been doing only to turn around and say you're not ready to explain why you did it. You aren't eight years old. You don't get to be so childish. You have to deal with consequences. Handle this like an adult, for once in your life!"

"I can't."

I pushed her hand off of me and left.

She tried to follow me.

"What the hell do you mean, you can't? Stop running away from everything! We're talking about this right now. You aren't going to avoid it any more."

I faced her, my face blank. "No."

"Scott!"

"Don't follow me."

xXx

I ran into Auggie and Juliette on their way back to the apartment.

"What are you doing, you just left."

"I wanted to do this now. I wanted to tell you this now." Juliette said, her voice determinedly confident.

She looked to Auggie, who took her hand and smiled encouragingly.

"We'removingouttonight."

"What?" My mouth slipped open in shock.

"I've decided to move out. It's too weird, too tense, too awkward."

"Where will you go?"

"We'll stay in my friend's place for a little while…and then I think I'm going back with Auggie."

"WHAT?"

"It's for the best-"

"You can't drop out of school! You can't just leave everything you know! You just got back with him today! Don't you think you're moving too quickly?"

She exchanged a look with Auggie and looked back to me. She stared me right in the eye and said, "No. I don't."

"We'll be seeing you." Auggie said to me, a victorious glint prominent in his features. Juliette pulled lightly at his hand and the two disappeared behind the apartment door.

xXx

What do I do when I'm breaking down?

Juliette or football. Since Juliette was the main reason I was like this, she was out.

Yes. I ended up back at the gym.

An hour later, I was starting to feel a little bit better. I still felt sick. I still felt like I'd been shot and left to bleed out in a corner. But at least now I was getting muscle fatigue. The gym was like my church.

I wish sometimes that I had a private work out area.

I wasn't in any mood to talk.

So clearly, someone I knew had to decide it was a good time to approach me.

Had I not managed to cinch my temper and extend the limits of how much strain I could take without snapping, I probably would have told Terry to screw off. As it were, I nodded in recognition and half-smiled.

Terry was our line backer. He was one of the aforementioned players who were better than me at the game. More talented. I say talented and not skilled because I know that I could be better than him; I could be more skilful with practice. But I would never be more talented. He had natural ability. I had some too, clearly, but he was the coach's pet.

I sound bitter don't I?

To be fair, we were somewhat good friends. We used to hit up bars together last year and I once played wingman for him at parties, not that he really needed it.

I wasn't in the mood for him.

He was like a baggage-free, polished version of me.

The me I could have been if my dad hadn't remarried.

"Hey." He greeted.

"Hey."

"'Sup?"

"I'm a bit busy."

"You were told to loosen up on the whole work out thing, I recall-"

I rolled my eyes.

He chuckled and shook his head. "Don't worry. I won't tattle."

I grunted.

Somehow he took that grunt as a sign that now would be a good chance to ask me about a certain brunette he'd been eyeing for the past couple of months. "So, I asked you about Juliette a while back and you brushed it off, but you know I wasn't kidding. Seriously, man, she's hot. And I'm gonna ask you again, do you think she would be-"

"No."

"Come on. She likes me."

"She's nice to most people."

"There was flirting going on."

I glared. "Shut up. She's not going to be one of those easy lays."

"It isn't like that-"

"She's not one of your adoring fan club members who would gladly strip down at the first show of interest."

"Look-"

"And she's not interested in dating you either. She just got back together with her high school ex."

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh'."

"Well, those reunion things don't usually work out-"

"Give it up. Stay away from her."

"Jesus. You completely positive you're not her newly instated boyfriend? Seems to me you're more than a little touchy for a guy who's just a friend."

"Go away."

"You and Juliette and Shelby. Threesome action going on?"

I stood up and faced him coldly. "Are you going to shut your mouth or are you going to force me to make you bleed? 'Cause I will, jack ass."

"What's up, Barringer, honestly? You're freakishly wound up tonight." Terry raised his eyebrows. "I was just messing around."

"Nothing. You just defiled my sanctuary. Hope you're pleased."

I grabbed my towel and left. I really wish people would stop trying to talk to me.

xXx

Okay, so talking it out was not going to happen. Exercising it out was not going to happen.

What else could make me forget? It was times like these when I started thinking once more about the careless airy feeling getting high always gifted me with.

Of course, even though I am a massive screw up and I've been digging myself into this inescapable hole lately, I've retained enough intelligence to not go get high.

That intelligence wasn't stopping me from the perfectly legal and marginally healthier option of alocohol. I really need to work on my tendency to do anything in order to remain in denial. It's all beginning to explode around me and even now I don't want to face it.

Stepping out of self loathing for a minute, I was also incredibly pissed off and not just at myself. Juliette had no right being so upset with me earlier for not being there for her only to turn into a hypocrite who was ditching me now when I was drowning in confusion.

Auggie had no right flying in here after so long away, acting like a friggin superman and saving Juliette when I had been the one by her side for such much longer.

Shelby had no right

I sighed and flung myself onto a bar stool. I was being stupid again. Trying to justify myself was not going to help my emotions since it was so clear that I was the only one in the wrong right now.

"Vodka."

If I was already in the wrong, what was the point in trying to rectify it?

If I stopped pretending, if I did the honest thing and actually told them all the truth behind my actions, they would all realize I'm an even bigger jerk than they thought I was. At least now some corner of their minds might still think I have a legitimate and sufficiently heart warming explanation. If I go up to them and say 'By the way, I've been a huge ass because after everything you've put up with, Shelby, I love Juliette. And I'm announcing it just when you, Juliette, finally found a real relationship again. Group hug?' I would get several doors slammed in my face and I'd likely get kicked out of my apartment.

"Why is it I keep running into you when you're drinking these days?" Juliette sighed.

"Why do you keep getting drawn to bars?"

"I'm actually glad I ran into you. I wanted to talk to you."

"Confessing you're secretly a man?"

"Can't you be nice even once?" Juliette snapped impatiently. "I don't know why you've been such a pain lately but I'm here to tell you I'm not taking it anymore. I won't be your punching bag."

I rubbed my eyes tiredly and beckoned for a refill before facing the girl at last. "You hurt the ones you love, right?"

She stared at me, my words seeming to have no effect. "That's what people say when they know they're being malicious for no reason."

"I'm getting tired of saying sorry and I'm sure you're sick of hearing it. What exactly do you want from me?"

"I want you to be happy for my happiness." She answered softly, looking down at her lap. There was the fragile princess showing her delicate face again. I had become accustomed to seeing her fiery side of late, this wounded puppy part of her hadn't surfaced in ages.

This was great. Every single time she let her easily breakable heart shine through her face I automatically lost the urge to be defensive and biting. More guilt for me, oh fun.

"I don't want you to be unhappy."

"You're mad that me and Auggie are together."

"He hurt you bad last time. I just don't want that happening again. I don't want you risking your entire future on this one relationship. Do you even realize how stupid you are to do this? You wasted an entire year of schooling if this is what you're doing. You can't even speak Spanish. You don't know anything. You're being ridiculous."

"It's called a transfer. And I'll have Auggie. And that happens to mean more than anything I would have here."

I grinded my teeth together before snatching the glass in front of me again and downing it.

"Would it be selfish for me to say I need you here?"

"Yes."

"I do want the best for you. I really, really do."

"I know. You just don't show that very well."

"I need you here." I repeated quietly. "How am I going to be okay with you gone?"

"Now whose being melodramatic?"

"We won't keep in touch will we?"

"I'm tired of keeping up with you, Scott. I can't do it anymore. You'll be fine, you'll be okay, but it won't be with my help."

This scared me. "No… God, Jules, I've always been this way, don't just sever all ties!"

"We can still talk." She muttered, contradicting her earlier statement.

"I'm going to miss you."

"It's selfish of you to want me to stay."

"I know. I'm sorry."

She took my hand. "I'm glad you want me to stay. I'm not doing this out of spite, I swear. You're my best friend. I care about you. But this is my best option."

"Buy you a drink?"

"Why not?" She smiled.

"Jules, if you do leave…don't be mad at me, okay? Don't let one stupid thing ruin our friendship."

"Just drink, will ya?" She toasted my glass teasingly and took a shot.

"If I asked you not to move out-"

"I'd tell you I already have. I got some of your football friends to come over and haul my stuff out. I guess it paid to get friendly with them."

"This is it then."

Her expression melted when she looked at my face and she leaned in closer to me. "Oh, Scott, don't be so sad."

"It's my fault, anyways right. I drove you to it."

"Stop brooding. It'll be okay. This isn't a bad thing; you have Shelby."

"Why do you have to leave?"

"I love him, Scott."

A part of me choked up again and my shoulders slumped. "Why do you always choose him when you have a choice between him and me?"

She opened her mouth to say something but shut it quickly, opting to loop her arm through mine instead. "I'm here with you now, okay?"

"I can't do this without you. This; school, life."

"You were fine all the other years without me and you were fine for the past few weeks."

"Not really."

"Scott, I need to do this. Can't you see that? I can't stay here. I can't stay with you and Shelby, constantly caught up in your relationship troubles and playing therapist. We're not moving forward. We've been stuck in this painful loop and I have to get out of it. I have to move on."

Unrequited love. Who would have thought I'd be the one feeling it?

"I don't want you to!" My anger got the better of me and the words came out in a shout.

"You aren't the center of the universe! You can't always get what you want!"

"Everything's wrong." I buried my head in my arms, the hopelessness spiral attacking me with pain. "Why don't you just leave me alone? Or do you find a sick joy from torturing me?"

She was getting pissed again too. "Do you really think I like seeing you so upset?"

"You are the reason I'm sitting here trying to get drunk, let me remind you. You get blinded by infatuation for someone and forget everyone else."

"I'm leaving the country soon and all you can do is be mad at me. Fine. It'll make it easier for me to leave."

"So go."

"Why are you always this way? Why do you always do this?" Oh Jesus. She was getting emotional again. She was watering up again. "And why do I keep attempting to talk to you when I know I end up getting hurt every time I try? You can't even know how much I want you to be okay again, to laugh like you used to. Instead, you're picking fights with everyone and I've never done anything but try to make you feel better and you're blaming me for it all!"

"Juliette, come on."

"No. If I'm such a horrible friend, I suppose you'll be glad to know you won't ever have to see me again. I won't annoy you with my 'stupid mood swings' any longer."

I took her arm and made her sit back down. Remorsefully I wiped away her tears with a napkin. "Stay. I'm the idiot with stupid mood swings. I shouldn't be allowed to open my mouth any more. I'm sorry. I know you mean the best, it's just really…hurting…me that you won't be in my life anymore. You mean… a whole lot to me. I don't tell you enough. I don't do well with the touchy-feelies and I guess I am a bit of a caveman when articulating anything at all. Come on, don't cry."

"I don't understand you." She sniffled. "Every time I blink you have a new mood. Do you hate me for leaving? Is this even about me? Is there something else going on with you that's nagging you and you're just taking it out on me? Why do you keeping doing it? I was trying to make things right and you just bit my head off again and again-"

I wrapped my arms around her and tried to be comforting. "I don't hate you for anything, okay? But Jules, this is about you. It all comes back to you."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm not blaming you."

"I really don't know whether I should love you or hate you anymore. But I am going to miss you so much."

I smiled and she looked away. "Scott, that's not a good thing." She shut her eyes. "I'm going to have to hate you if I want to make it on the plane. You're helping things in that department, but even your temper can't discount the fact that you've saved my life over and again last year."

"You don't owe me anything."

"Yeah I do."

"I've made you miserable lately."

Juliette nodded in assent. "Yes, you have. Why can't you suck it up and be happy for me? I want to hate you for being so disproving of me and Auggie. It's like you can't stand any one being happy if it's not you."

"That's not why I don't support the union."

"Don't give me the bull about how he hurt me. It was my fault entirely we broke up. That's not me being self-deprecating. He wanted to work it out and I did the same thing that I did to you; I bluffed my way into a break-up."

"You were bluffing with me?

"Scott, seriously? I cried my eyes out that night you and me broke up and all during the flood I watched you and Shelby with jealousy. I regretted the break up pretty much instantly. You moved on quickly."

"You cheated on me!"

"You had a new girl almost right away."

"You chose Auggie over me; I did not choose Shelby over you." I exclaimed.

"Whatever. It's all in the past."

I sighed heavily. "It's probably for the best that you're leaving. Even if it sucks."

"Let's just relax tonight, okay? Everything is so serious and sad and it's exhausting. Tonight, I just want to be with my friend who has a totally random sense of humour and who is completely hilarious when drunk. Because tomorrow things will be the same again and I want to have one last good memory before I hate you again. Let's not think about that tonight. Let's just be happy for once, okay? If you're lucky maybe I'll let you get me drunk."

Denial, oh how we abuse you.

I smiled and ordered her another drink.

* * *

AN: School is evil. Other schools get a two week semester change break, but no not us. On Livejournal I've found a HG community uploading episodes, so I will eventually have them all on cd, which is nice. Shelby's confrontation with Scott is in next chapter but he won't own up to anything just yet. The denial will stop eventually, but Scott and Jules are ruled by their mood swings :p 


	32. Goodbye, Calm & Logical

**Shelby**

Juliette was giddy.

Auggie was happy.

I was pleased for them.

A part of me had been more than a little gratified to see Jules leave. She is my friend and all but the fact that she will have her own support system away from us was a bit of a relief. I didn't have to worry about her when Auggie was watching out for her, and now I didn't have to share Scott while feeling guilty for doing so.

Of course, Scott's being himself. I am so annoyed with him lately and so insanely frustrated that I'm a few seconds shy of yelling my lungs out at him.

Clearly, he is the one person who isn't happy right now. He's upset and he won't talk about it and he's denying it even exists. Well, his poker face is shit and I am so sick of giving him space to come to me. I realize now that if I keep respecting his privacy and if I refrain from confronting him, I'll be waiting forever because he will never come to me. Whether its cowardice or pride or ignorance, I don't know. But I am not going to play the patient homemaker anymore. If he has a problem, I'm not going to pretend like I can't see it.

I won't let him walk by thinking everything is fine. I won't let him go on pretending that none of this is happening and that he is unaffected by it.

I won't keep lying to myself and I sure as hell won't take him lying to me.

Even if this did rip a horribly painful hole into our relationship, it had to be done. Besides, it wasn't as though we were in a good place in our relationship anyways. He could pretend that we were, I could pretend that we were, but this wasn't healthy and I knew damn well that neither of us were happy.

I'm not doing this anymore. I don't take bull shit and pretend everything's fine; I deal and do what has to be done even if it bites. God, I wish I didn't always have to be the strong one. I wish someone else would do the hard thing for once; releasing me of the responsibility of being tough and blunt and entirely liable.

"Scott."

"Hey." He smiled at me. Oh yes, I'm going to buy that. "I'm sorry but I have this-" Practice? Game? Assignment? Object I have to buy? Question I have to ask someone? Phone call that needs to be made? I could read the dozens of plausible excuses flitting efficiently through his brain.

I cut him off before he could pick a suitable one. "Oh, just stop. I know you don't have anything that needs doing right at this moment and I don't care anymore if a conversation would make you "uncomfortable" right now. I don't care if you "need space", or if I'm being sharp and annoying. I said this before but you ran away- we're doing this talk now."

He predictably squirmed. "Shelby, I honestly have to go." He shuffled a bit, looking longingly at the door. I wasn't barring it. If he was that immature, I wasn't going to physically force him to stay. I believed he would stay.

I stared at him. "No."

He took a step towards the door. "When I get back-"

"If you step out that door and back away from this conversation right now, I won't be here _when you get back_." I levelly told him. "I'm not putting up with this shit anymore, Scott. And if you try to make me put up with it, I'm walking."

Scott frowned. "Why are you always so damn dramatic?"

"This isn't a bluff. Either sit your ass down on that couch, or actively end our relationship."

"Shelby-"

I rolled my eyes. "Are you so afraid of confrontation that you'd rather throw our relationship away over what you think I _may _say than actually being a grown-up and listening to my _real_ words? What are you so terrified of?"

He looked a bit lost for a minute but made the right choice and sat on the sofa. It was clear he wasn't happy about my tactics and I rolled my eyes again upon recognizing the pissed look on his face.

Go ahead. Feel disgruntled and cornered and all that crap. I'm not playing Suzy Homemaker anymore.

"What is this about?" Scott pouted.

"Don't get your hopes up, this is another one of those hated relationship talks."

"I am so entirely sick of talking about 'us'."

"Then be honest this time. Maybe then we won't have to keep doing this."

"I highly doubt that. You seem determined to nit pick and argue about any speck of a detail that goes on in your life."

I arched my eyebrow unhappily. "Excuse me? I'm not nitpicking. This is not a nitpick! I've been working my ass off just to be able to pay rent and studying like a mad person just to keep up in school and this month's rent is coming up and I don't have enough. Despite my insane hours, I don't have enough and I'm wondering why the hell you guys needed to live here- what, the university dorms weren't classy enough? And when I am around here in between working, you're distracted and spaced out."

"What are you rambling about? I know I've told you this- I can pay your rent if you need me to, it isn't an issue. Me and Juliette used to split it two ways; I can handle your portion. You're always so spazzy about problems that are so easily fixed-"

"Great. I really am your charity case, aren't I? I don't need your condescending charity! I don't need to freeload off you- I don't need your money, or your pity. It's insulting!"

"You bitch about not having enough money then you go around and berate me for offering financial assistance. That makes perfect sense."

"It isn't just the rent, you imbecile. It's our whole relationship."

Scott exhaled and looked at me warily. "Okay, I'll indulge your little fit. What's wrong now, Shelby? What fresh horror have I committed? Did I forget to ask you how your day was? Or maybe I didn't organize some ridiculously romantic date to celebrate something hugely important like a frickin sunrise?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm and I was not amused. Adopting a mockingly apologetic expression, he sugared, "Tell me. What reasons have you come up with today to describe what a bad boyfriend I am?"

"Oh, look who's being condescending like I originally pointed out."

"So sorry. Shouldn't be giving attitude, should I?"

"You can be as jerk-like as you want. It isn't going to piss me off enough to storm away and spare you from addressing the issue we have to address."

"I'm not _trying_ to piss you off."

I sighed and sat beside him. "You're not avoiding this conversation anymore and any diversifying techniques you may have will certainly fail if employed. I'm used to you. I know how you work. And it's not going to work."

Swallowing the parts of me that wanted to hit him over the head for being so insufferably difficult, I made sure my composure was firmly in tact before continuing.

"Scott. We're not okay. We're not happy. We're not like we used to be. You aren't fine. You still aren't letting me in. You're not talking to me any more about anything and when you do, it's a lie. I don't understand what the hell you've been trying to pull, probably because you don't know yourself. But what I do know is that there's a problem. A huge fucking problem. And it all can be traced to one source. I'm sick of avoiding the big glaring issue that's yanking us apart, I'm not going to pretend like I can't see the wall between us."

Scott wasn't looking at me. He was being sullen and behaving quite like one of those annoying spoiled kids in a supermarket. I didn't have the patience for this and I wasn't going to be one of those enablers anymore. I was his girlfriend, not his mother. If he was going to be upset and difficult, it wasn't my job to look out for whatever he wanted and make sure he was happy. He's a big boy who can damn well take care of himself. I regret that having me and Juliette around have turned him into this conceited jerk who has a team of girls lavishing his ego with pillows every time he feels insecure. He needs to deal with his own shit; we shouldn't be dealing with it for him. Juliette's figured that out and I should follow her lead.

Scott wasn't saying anything so I continued. "It's Juliette."

"Holy mother of God. Not this again." He exclaimed, flopping against the cushion in exhaustion.

"Yes. This again. If I had been smarter, I would have properly dealt with this last time instead of waiting so long to thoroughly address this issue."

"There is no issue."

"Saying that won't make it true." I answered flatly. "I'm tired, Scott. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I was so scared of what you would say, of how you would respond. But I just want to know."

"For the one thousandth time, Juliette is nothing to me."

"And we both know that's a lie."

"So you're declaring that you know how I feel now, are you?"

I nodded. "I do. You have feelings for Juliette. Romantic, intense, abso-fucking-lutely non-platonic feelings for Juliette."

He looked rather stunned that I just went out and said that.

"There's been this off-ness between us ever since I came home and I've finally accepted why that is. You feel guilty. You're not happy and you're guilty that you're not happy. Your expectations about how you thought you would feel and the reality of what you do feel conflicted and this caused you confusion and misery. I get it. You think about her more than you think about me; you're jealous of Auggie, you don't want to sleep with me, you've spent ages trying to be a perfect boyfriend in the hopes your forced niceties would make up for your true feelings. You like her."

"Stop it."

"Why? Scared of admitting it? Scared of what it could mean?" I was getting louder and angrier with each word. The nerve he had, sitting here, listening to this and not even making half an effort to explain anything at all.

"Tell me what's going on. I deserve that, don't I? I've earned that right- the right to have your honesty and to be told how you really feel. What you really want. What's going on, Scott? What's going on with you and Juliette? I want to know."

"Shelby, stop this." He shook his head and stood up. "This is ridiculous. I'm with you and I wouldn't be if I didn't want to be."

I smiled politely at this completely flawed explanation of his and utilized more of my blend of bluntness. "So, did you cheat on me? Is that it? Did you have a bit of physicality with Juliette on the side when I was away?"

This sufficiently ignited his righteous outrage. His response came in a shout. "What the fuck? How can you so calmly accuse me of such shit? I would never do that to you, never! I would never cheat on you!"

I crossed my legs. "Okay. So, then, you wanted to."

"No I didn't! Every day you were gone I wanted to be with you, I waited for you; there were no romantic feelings for any other girl but for you." Scott vehemently said, gesticulating madly with his hands.

"Okay. So it was when I came back that the problems started. You realized then that the fantasy you built up about how great I was, how great 'we' were didn't match up to reality. You realized you felt closer to her than you did to me. You realized when I was there at last you couldn't pretend like things would get better because they were already supposed to be the best."

Oh crap. The calm levity I had managed to exude for the duration of this horrid confrontation was fading. I was cracking. I couldn't control the volume of my voice; I couldn't make my face impassive… I blinked quickly and silently cursed Scott.

"You kept hoping you would feel more when I was actually there. You kept thinking it would be magical and perfect when I came back, that we'd be what we were. But I failed, didn't I? I wasn't the girl you were building up in you mind. You didn't love me anymore." Ohmygod, stop it Shelby, stop it stop it stop it stop it.The words blurted from my mouth, tumbled in this jarring word vomit injected with desperation and completely devoid of the calculation and control I had been striving to maintain. Stop it stop it stop it, I didn't fucking cry! I don't cry! Not over stupid boy issues like this. I wasn't a trivial teenybopper. I didn't care about this stuff. I wasn't weak or fragile or anything. Stop it!

I batted at my face in frustration and turned away from him as my body heaved. Don't be condescending, don't soften now Scott. Don't do what I know you're going to do. Just walk away. Leave me be in this quivering mess and don't talk to me. Now's your chance to escape.

"Of course I love you."

"That sounded so frickin convincing."

"Shelby, come on." He put his hands firmly on my shoulders and made me look at him. "You didn't disappoint me. You were everything I hoped you would be."

"It's not me, it's you, right?" I laughed. "I did everything right but it didn't matter because you had moved on."

"You're hysterical. You need to calm down."

"I need you to be honest with me. We can still move past this, can't you see? Scott, we can still move past this, just tell me the truth, be honest, please we can't move past it unless you admit that the problem exists. Just please, just say it, just tell me how you feel about Juliette."

"A friend. Nothing more. You're my girl, okay?"

"We can still move past this." I repeated softly.

He looked freaked out at my break out and I knew he was trying to figure out the best reaction to handle this situation. I hoped he would just tell me. I hoped he would care enough about me to tell me the truth so we could fix us.

Instead, Scott panicked.

"Shel, Shel, why are you so insistent on questioning us, huh? Haven't I been good to you? Haven't I done the right things, said the right things, been there when I should have? What is it you want me to do? Shel, please, don't sit there and say to me that I don't care about you, that I don't want you when all I've been doing is for you."

"I don't want your pity!" I sounded like a banshee. "I don't want you with me just because you feel bad for me, like you owe it to me to pretend to still care when you really don't! I don't want you to be with me just because you think it's the right thing to do!"

"Nothing I say is right, is it?" He demanded hoarsely, dragging his hand through his hair. "I reassure you, you say I'm pitying you. I agree with you, you pitch a fit. I comfort you, you shove me away."

"I don't want you to do what you think is right, that's the point. I want you to do what you personally want. So I can finally make up my own mind and have what I want." I was breathing rather rapidly and it was scaring me but I couldn't stop now.

"I don't want you to do what you think I want you to do. I don't want you to do what you feel you have to do. I don't want you to do what you think the person you want to be would do. I don't want you with me because you can't have Juliette or because you feel obliged to be with me or because we've lasted so long you don't want to face uncertainty. I don't want you with me because I'm safe or comfortable or because it's noble or because it's what everyone else thought would happen. I don't care about all the words of fate and destiny and promises and all that. We made those promises when we were stupid and passionate and younger and we were naïve. We've changed. Everything changes. I don't want you to cling to the past because you're scared of the future."

He was visibly panicking and I knew he was partially relieved that I was ranting because it meant he had more time to gather the proper response.

"I don't want you to do the right thing." I repeated quietly, clenching my hands together and forcing my voice to go cold and hard and tough. I forced myself to stop staring at my lap and to meet his stupid eyes and to be stronger than this insecure mess I had dissolved into. "What I want is for you to want me- not for the sake of wanting me, but just because you do sincerely feel deeply for me and can't live without me. I want to be with someone who will want to spend every moment with me, who won't hide their frustrations from me, who will invite me to see them with all their flaws so that I can be okay with showing mine."

"Scott, I want to know if I'm wasting my time here. This isn't some jealous fabric of my imagination. You and Juliette, that emotion is there. I want to know if you want to move past it, if you still want me like you pretend you do. Because if you don't, I will not continue wasting my days trying to make this work if its long since died."

"I don't want to break up; I've never wanted to break up." Scott sounded bewildered; dazed. He stared into my eyes, searchingly, desperately. The lost little boy. "I- we can't break up. That isn't, it's not… Shelby…"

"What's going on with Juliette? Do you want to be with her? Have you… Am I losing you? Have I lost you? Has Juliette… Have you…" Coherent sentences, come on, Shelby. I couldn't. I was faltering and I was emotional and oh God this was hard.

Scott hugged me tenderly. "You can't ever lose me. You won't lose me. It's going to be okay, Shel. Breathe, okay?"

"No, tell me, what do you feel for Juliette? Scott, this… I need to… what do you? What does all this mean… This and the way…but it isn't… What do you feel for her?" I was still talking too fast and breathing too heavily. He stroked my cheek and tucked my hair back, enveloping me with his care.

"I hate to see you this way." He said ruefully. I cried into his arms, all the while knowing forlornly that he hadn't answered the Goddamned question.

xXx

I let him hold me for a while. For all the crap that had happened, I was still comforted by his touch. Eventually I snatched hold of myself again and realized how stupid this was. He wouldn't answer me, not even now. That in itself was my answer but I needed him to just say it. We couldn't move past it if he didn't say it.

And then I wondered if maybe he didn't want to move past it.

I grabbed my bag and told him shortly that I wouldn't be back that night, that I couldn't stand to be near him. He tried to make me stay but his immaturity had finally broke through my last reserve of patience. He grabbed my wrists and attempted to calm me down but I felt like he was trying to trap me, distract me again. He tried his superficiality diversion again, perhaps hoping that my anger could convert to passion and a kiss would fix everything. The lip contact pissed me off further and I shoved him back, which didn't do much for his mood either. Scott stopped pleading with me to stay and instead started demanding that I do. Of course, being dictated to made me so indignant that I threw a random knickknack at him, which happened to be something heavy and so it collided with him with a painful jolt.

"SHIT!" He yelped. "You're being irrational."

"You're the one acting like a four year old!"

"I'm not the one throwing things!"

"Grow the fuck up, Scott. I hope you enjoy the empty apartment. You're all alone now. You've managed to be such a bastard that no one wants to be near you anymore."

"For Christ's sake, just stay! Where are you going to go?"

"I have friends."

"Don't be so rash."

"Are you going to make me stay? Are you going to tell me what the deal is with your reactions towards Juliette?"

"I'm doing the best I can!"

"No. No you're not." I shook my head and stalked out.

Numbly, I knew he wasn't coming after me. Numbly, I knew he wasn't going to.

xXx

The door opened. I was met with a look of surprise.

Before he could say anything, I fell against him and cried.

"Can I crash here tonight?"

* * *

**AN:** Scott is such a dolt, isn't he? Thanks for the reviews. Yes, Shelby's stablity and relative normalcy are being shot to hell now. None of them are perfect.

& JF as for the plastered hope, in my original plan for that chapter it is written that they get _seriously_ hammered together so you never know ;)


	33. He Speaks: Oh, CRAP

**Juliette**

You're being rash.

You're being silly.

You're being irrational.

But that was what love was, wasn't it? Rash, and silly, and irrational?

If I thought too hard about the prospect of moving to another country, I have to admit that I get these uncomfortable splurges of nerves inside.

If I really thought about it, I'd remember that I was planning to move to an area in which I didn't speak the language.

I'd remember that I was going to live with someone I had just reunited with.

I'd remember that I was once again leaving behind everything I knew- including support systems.

But I'd have Auggie.

I could learn Spanish.

I could transfer out to a school there…right?

Okay, so the real reason my room at the apartment is emptied out and I'm currently sitting in a friend's dorm isn't that I thought this all through.

Okay, so I sort of maybe blurted out the suggestion before my brain could stop my mouth. And then when Auggie was trying to reason out that this was probably a little too fast, I wanted to reassure him that I really did care. There are other ways of doing that, I know, but what's done is done.

I was already panicking at the swiftness of it all, but what could I do?

…Is it wrong that I also don't want to back out since Scott's totally spazzing?

The fact that he's batty with horror is a bit gratifying. Not that I'm doing this to make him jealous.

He has absolutely no right to be jealous, not after the crap he pulled on me lately.

But he's still my closest friend and I don't like seeing him this way.

Of course, the fact that I have to sit here and worry about how this is affecting him just makes me angrier at him. I don't want to always be the doormat. I'm sick of putting him first. I guess through the years I've always been able to count on him to protect me and I've been subconsciously doing the same. Except I need to see that he doesn't need protecting so much as he needs a wake-up call. He isn't doing well and all the turmoil he seems to be in the middle of probably originated from his inability to grow up, to communicate like an adult. Maybe my leaving will be good for him in that he'll see he can't always get what he wants.

Now would probably be a good time to recap what happened at the bar.

As I am a lightweight, I managed to behave somewhat tipsily after my second drink. It was really sad actually. Scott was decent and responsible enough not to go through with my saying I'd let him get me drunk- he cut me off after my third drink and hadn't ordered a new drink for himself since I sat down.

It was a fun night but I think I annoy him when intoxicated. I may or may not have snuck another two shots in when he went to the washroom… and later, perhaps, began table dancing. Anyways, he decided that letting me near alcohol was stupid and started to drag me home. Despite the fact I could barely walk without leaning against Scott, I protested and loudly demanded to be brought to Auggie.

He rode in the cab with me and deposited me into Auggie's arms at the entrance of the place we were currently lodging. Auggie looked irritated, Scott looked exasperated, and it was probably a very awkward situation.

I ignored Auggie's pestering about my reasons for seeking Scott out that night, pointedly refusing to answer him when questioned about my motivations for drinking amicably with him when just a few hours ago I had been bitching about my anger towards him.

I knew perfectly why I went out that night to find Scott. It hadn't been an accident that I ran into him- I did purposefully seek him out. That bar was the fourth "random" place I went to that night and it was no coincidence that I found him. I was leaving soon. It scared me a lot after my brain kicked in once the excitement faded away and I realized how massively fast this was happening. I couldn't tell Auggie about this, it'd hurt him to see me re-thinking things. But Scott was my friend despite how dysfunctional and unreadable and entirely impossible he could be. And I didn't like leaving friends.

A part of me had hoped that by going there that night, I could get out any of the stubborn 'what-ifs' that still lingered on my mind. Maybe I wanted both of us to get drunk, my inhibitions to fade away, and I dunno… maybe I wanted us to do something. Something wrong and stupid and immoral and utterly horrid considering our relationship statuses. Maybe I hoped I could kiss him finally and realize that wow, it really was just lust and I didn't feel for him emotionally.

I guess I was searching for closure. A way to end our relationship pleasantly, without arguments or tears or half realized questions. Without loose ends.

That was a fantasy on my part in every sense of the word. Did I really think that would happen? Did I really think I could have a fairytale evening of laughter without baggage, flirting without the guilty implications?

I was with Auggie now. He was with Shelby.

I loved Auggie now. Scott was only an infatuation I built up in my head, the result of many lonely nights and several of the right words said at the right moments. He was sweet and protective and always there- the main guy in my life. It was only natural for me to wonder if we could be more. I am the type of person to evaluate the date-ablitly of every boy I befriend. It's a bad habit of scrutinizing I picked up from my mother. Did I click with a guy? Was he cute? Could this be the boy I one day married? It sounds strange, but it's quite likely that you already know the guy you will marry, or at least go steady with in the near future. So every time I met a new guy, I would automatically ask myself these ridiculous questions.

But no. Scott's an ass. Being without a girlfriend last year forced him to rely on me, which forced him to be kind to me out of necessity. Now that the situation has changed, I'm seeing the person he really is. The one who is selfish and inconsiderate and childish. The one who is judgemental and stubborn and really difficult to get along with.

But damn it. He can still be sweet, and gentle, and endearing. The immaturity can be described instead as boyish and refreshing. The selfishness can occasionally give way to the pool of generosity he is capable of exuding.

He doesn't show it most of the time and when he does, it never lasts. I can't stick around for the two hours a week he is actually willing to listen and stop being an angsty self-absorbed jerk.

Shelby is there to do that. Shelby probably gets more than two hours. I won't hang about fixing his issues and dealing with his terrible characteristics while she gets to bask in the Scott I mended. She doesn't get to make out with him after I sat patiently with him talking him out of another fabricated crisis. She doesn't get to hear him say I love you after I suffered through a verbal lashing from him.

He's unpredictable, unreliable, and most of all he doesn't feel a thing for me.

More importantly, I have moved on.

Auggie is my soul mate. Auggie is my protector. Auggie is my sun and my wall and he won't ever screw that up.

I wish I didn't have to tell myself this. I wish I didn't have to make up a billion explanations to assure myself why Auggie is so much better than Scott. I wish I didn't have to run through all the negative things Scott has ever done to me in order to convince myself not to crawl back to the apartment.

I loved Auggie. Auggie Auggie Auggie.

Auggie was the one who slept beside me last night even though he was still understandably miffed at my lack of explanation for the events of that night. Auggie was the one who didn't scream at me because he knew I had a huge headache. Auggie was the one who made me breakfast and kissed me on the forehead even though I had possibly thrown up on or near him last night. He was there and amazing and Scott could hold no candle next to him.

But Scott was here now. It was Scott who was here now.

The buzzer buzzed and it was Scott's voice on the other end, asking to come up.

Why did I suddenly feel glad that Auggie was not here at the moment?

There wasn't anything the matter with what was occurring- why did my mind feel compelled to feel guilt even at this? Was I that determined to delude myself into believing that the man I thought I loved for a year also cared about me? There was nothing here. Nothing. So shut up, conscience. Did I want there to be?

I buzzed him up.

I opened the door.

Scott stared at me hesitatingly. I arranged my face into an appropriately bland expression.

"I just wanted to…you know…make sure you got over your drunken spiel okay."

"I'm fine. Thanks for dropping me off." I answered politely. Why did I feel the need to be so damn formal? Why couldn't he be joking and I friendly, why couldn't we leave knowing that our friendship would last? At this point in time, I didn't think it could last. But the way he had been reacting to my relationship news showed it was for the best that he'd be cut out of my life. Not that he would mind that much- stupid jerk that he is he would probably only miss me for the dent my absence would cause in his inflated ego.

I was doing it again. Justifying why I was leaving, why I was angry, why I wasn't hugging him, why I couldn't adore him like I once did.

He scratched the back of his neck and looked upwards and away from me in a clear show of nerves. I realized he had some heavy bags adorning his features.

"Did you get home okay?"

"Oh. Um, yeah."

"You look tired."

"Didn't sleep well. Didn't sleep at all, actually." He admitted, forcing himself to be grown up and meet my eyes again.

I wanted to change my sickly sweet responses to everything and instead of saying 'oh, why's that?' in a cooing voice, I bitterly congratulated him on finally having sex again. I knew full well that that was not the reason he couldn't sleep but damned if I'd continue playing the predictably supportive, concerned friend.

My comment satisfyingly shocked him with the vulgarity in that I usually find it difficult just to say the word 'sex', much less in reference to his actual sex life.

His eyes widened and he cleared his throat. I made him uncomfortable. Good. Maybe now he'll see Shelby's not the only one who can be forthright and blunt.

A very slight blush crept up Scott's cheeks and he levelly responded, "Shel's actually doing what you're doing… she stayed somewhere else last night. Fight."

In spite of my determination to be indifferent, I felt chagrined. I swallowed my instinct to apologize and inquire about the fight because I knew he was trying to phrase his statements in ways that goaded me into asking more.

"Hmm. Well, maybe she didn't sleep well either." That could have been taken as a comforting statement in soothing that Shelby was likely up thinking of him too but the way I said it clearly meant I was implying the same thing I explicitly stated earlier when he said he couldn't sleep.

Scott looked mildly nauseous now and I felt really sorry for being mean. Wasn't I the one who sought him out to make sure we ended things on good terms? Why did I feel the need to pick a fight- did I think my feelings for Auggie could honestly disappear the moment I had a friendly conversation with Scott?

"I was actually unable to sleep because of you, not Shel."

This surprised me. He got into a fight with his girlfriend but was kept awake by thoughts of me?

"How's that?" I finally relented.

"Juliette… we've been friends for a long time now."

"A handful of years in which you either used me as a kissing tool, ignored me completely, or treated me as a girlfriend stand-in, yes."

The short fuse of his was making itself seen. "What the hell? I thought we were okay again after last night? Why are you insisting on making this hard?"

"Because last night was last night; it was a weekend. You have a good time but come Monday you have all the same issues you had on Friday. We fixed nothing, Scott. I drank, we talked about nothing and ignored what started our fight in the first place. At the end of the night, you're still a jerk who only cares about your personal well-being."

"I care about you." Scott's tone had turned pleading now. "You keep doubting my intentions but I swear to you, I'm not looking out for my own best interests. Juliette you will regret it if you leave with Auggie. Stay. Please."

"Why should I?"

"Because you'll be messing with your entire future if you go. Your mom, your family? They'll all be alienated even more. Your education? Your friends? Everything you've made for yourself? Really- do you think going to a country where you know one person and where everything else is totally different will be a good idea? Culture shock. Isolation. You're going to cut again. Do you think about anything? Do you EVER use your head? Stop thinking of how freaking romantic Spain is, or how hot Spanish is as a language. Stop thinking of scenarios with you as sweet little homemaker and Auggie as a cheerful husband. Stop thinking of how exotic and life affirming and fun it will be. You're 19. You're barely an adult. You didn't even know who ran in the last election, much less voted. It took you three tries to pass your learners and six to pass your drivers- including a money bribe and a phone number offer. You live in a comfortable bubble where the biggest issue you worry regularly about is whether or not you can still fit into a size 2 or if your favourite brand of nail polish has been discontinued. This isn't the real world. You're out of high school and all these idiots will tell you that college is the real world- those people are losers who like to pretend that since they can juggle semesterized courses, keg parties, and a ten hour a week job they can ace a world where there are no teachers to hold your hands or fellow peers who give a damn about how well you do out there. It's every person for themselves and by going out there with Auggie, you're slicing the tiny amount of good resources you may have had, effectively killing any chance you have of making it on your own. Your parents won't support your move- you'll be cut off from their credit cards which I'll remind you- you've been relying heavily on to pay for three quarters if not more of your expenses. Auggie's not rich like we are. You will have to support yourself- he can't, your parents won't. You've never done real manual labour in your life, resent taking orders, and are way too proud to take any minimum wage job. You're going to starve friendless, confused, poor, and unable to talk with a single soul about it. That's why." Scott impassionedly ranted. "Because you're my friend and I need you here, that's why. Because you've been here when I needed you and I don't honestly know how well I'd function without you."

I rolled my eyes. "Give me one reason why that doesn't degrade me or make you sound like a selfish prick."

"Mother fucking Christ!" Scott snapped. "Why should you stay? Do you just tune me out? Do you just shut your brain off? If you go, you're a retard. You will be a brainless air headed MORON who just FUCKED up their entire lives with one fucking decision."

"Wow, that's really the most effective argument of persuasion- insulting me heavily at the top of your lungs using swear words because your vocab's run out while your face turns purple with rage." I distastefully glared. "No rationality or civility from you, I see. But I forget, you're Scott."

"I am rational, and civil. You're just being a blind, stubborn, moronic mule."

"You're an ass!"

Scott grimly smirked. "Someone just swore."

"I HATE YOU!" I yelled in frustration. "This is why I'm leaving! THIS right here is why I need to get away! You're impossible and stupid and rude and I HATE YOU!"

Abruptly, Scott grabbed me by the shoulders, all traces of his smirk gone and all mockery and anger faded away. "Jules, just come back to the apartment, okay? I don't care if you still want to go away with him. Just come back to the apartment, move back in, and think it over for a bit. You need to make preparations anyways- just come back with me and think it over without Auggie fogging up your senses."

"YOU fog up my senses!"

His eyes melted and he slumped, physically slouching over the door frame and emotionally deflating. "Jules. Please. You can't understand what I've been through to be able to get off my high horse long enough to come over here. I'm not demanding that you call off the trip altogether. Just think it over one more time with a level, non-romance infected mind."

And now I really have no idea what goes on in my head because I ended up indulging him yet again. My bags were re-packed and unpacked and I was sitting against my bed- damn Scott!

"I wish you'd stop making me second guess every choice I make."

"If it was the right choice, you wouldn't be second guessing."

"That's not true."

"With most people it would be, but I suppose with you and your indecisiveness I suppose it's not completely true. But this is a good thing. If you're really, truly sure beyond a shadow of a doubt, then I'll try to be happier for you."

"You and I both know I will never be truly sure about anything."

"You are about your relationship with Aug, aren't you?"

"Speaking of him, he's going to be really mad and confused-" I said evasively.

"He'll understand."

No, what he'll understand is that I'm choosing you again, you dolt.

"I should go back-" Scott firmly pushed me back down.

"No. You said you'd rethink things. You can't do that with your boy toy around you."

"I wish you'd stop calling him that. I wish you'd stop being so touchy about our dating. He was the most serious boyfriend I ever had and you never had an issue with my dating him before."

"That was before he hurt you."

"You stupidhead, he hurt me because I hurt him. I thought I fell out of love with him and was too cowardly to admit it, so he took the initiative and did what I didn't have the strength to do. It was my fault. All break-ups are my fault." I sulked.

"Including ours?"

"You said it yourself, I wanted to be with Auggie and that kiss so long ago between us, that last kiss, was a thank-you for Auggie, not a show of genuine affection for you. I cheated on you. It was my fault."

"So you're finally admitting that I wasn't being a possessive jerk?" He grinned cheekily.

"You were right; I was a horrid girlfriend who didn't confide in you about anything. The only thing worth remembering about us as a couple were the make-out sessions."

"Jules, stay."

"I thought we discussed this."

"You can't go."

"Maybe I could be happy there."

"You'd be happier here."

"You can't know that."

He ran a hand through his hair and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't want to have another fight. I've come to the realization that I can't always win the fight." Scott wryly responded.

"So you walk away? How typical of you. Must you always recline to your safe little boundaries of denial? Do you think that avoiding issues will make things easier? Everything's going to explode in your face one day because of your inability to deal."

"You're purposefully trying to get me mad, aren't you?"

"Making you mad will make you deal. It'll make you feel something, anything."

"Jules, everything already IS exploding in my face."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

Scott swallowed and sat beside me on my bed, leaning his forearms against his thighs and leaning his forehead against his entwined hands. He looked at me through the gap in his hands and looked entirely vulnerable, which meant of course that he also looked entirely sexy (I know I shouldn't be dwelling on his sex appeal…).

Softly, gently, almost like a verbal caress, Scott spoke the words I fantasized of hearing not-so-long ago. He sounded frightened for a fraction of a second but the emotion in his eyes described a liquid sincerity that I couldn't stop myself from doubting.

"I mean…"

I noticed how close we were sitting; his leg was brushing against mine and I could feel his body heat. I barely had to shift my hand and we'd be touching bare skin…

"I love you."

Start blinking, Juliette, start breathing.

"I've finally realized that I really, honestly love you."

Shut your mouth, Juliette, you look like a fish.

"And not in a sister-brother bullshit way. In a pulse quickening, shallow breathing, intense, impossible, shocking kind of way."

Stop pounding heart

"In a way I wouldn't admit before."

Stop stop stop

"In a way that probably has always been there but in traditional Scott Barringer fashion, I denied and ignored and repressed."

Mental breakdown commences very, very soon

"But, Jules… I can't anymore. I don't think I can just repress anymore."

No, no, no

"So stay. Please. Stay." Liquid eyes liquid eyes liquid eyes liquid eyes.

"Stay. Because you mean more to me than you can ever fully understand."

He looked very small now, the confidence leaving him and now he was at once just any other insecure boy expressing his feelings for the first time.

He was such a beautiful man. He was such a tender, beautiful man. Oh God why couldn't this have happened before? What should have been a dream come true was, I quickly realized, a real-life nightmare.

So simple, so unbelievable, so surreal. It couldn't be happening; it had to be a drunken hallucination… Oh God, why was I staring blankly when I should be doing something? Being indignant and storming out or laughing and kissing him or SOME SORT of reaction…

"I love you."

* * *

**AN: **I really have do have to remember this is America. Sorry about the drinking issue- I'm Canadian, and our drinking age is 18. It seems foreign to me that these college students wouldn't be allowed to go to bars.

Scott would not cheat on Shelby. Despite anything he may think he feels or however intoxicated or bastardly he can be, it is not in his make up to do that, so no worries there.

Hee. I guess the slang issue is a result of years of being taught by grammar Nazis. When people speak with horrible grammar I recoil, which is likely why I inadvertently made the characters speak with too much form. I did attempt vaguely with Auggie's slang, but considering I am as far from being streetwise as possible, I didn't want to push his language too hard and make it look overtly and embarrassingly obvious.

I still don't see Scott as being that big of a jerk; he may be a bit daft and clumsy in his handling of the situation, but I don't see him as needing redemption.

And… yes she did :) well spotted.

Joy of joys- I finally found my outline for this story that I misplaced for the past month or two and realized that both the charity case conversation and the Spain moving decision were supposed to come later. Therefore, things will be shifted a bit and likely condensed- meaning I am no longer sure of the length of the remainder of the story

& **Happy birthday!!! **(sorry this is a day late hee)


	34. She Speaks: Oh, CRAP x2

**Scott**

Why was my mouth being insistent on spouting this crap that I had never meant to say?

Just… Shit.

Panic. Mind-numbing, shrieking panic.

Dolt, fool, moron, shit disturber.

Did I somehow conveniently choose to ignore that Auggie is my best friend?

That I wasn't actually broken up from Shelby yet?

That I had no fucking right saying what I was saying?

The fact that Juliette wasn't exactly responding in any tangible way wasn't helping my panic. She seemed stunned, as she should be, and just stared uncomprehendingly at me for a moment.

The moment broke and a frown formed on her face as she sucked in a deep breath, ripping her eyes away from mine. One word escaped her lips, "No."

"No?" I blinked.

"No." She repeated. "No. No. No!"

"You're going to have to elaborate a bit on that," I said with irritation.

"You're high. Drunk. Delusional."

"No, I'm perfectly sober-"

"No!"

"Say something else!" I demanded.

She unfroze and with a forced calm told me, "Okay. I know what this is. It's just another tactic to try to get me to stay. You're just being jealous. It doesn't mean anything."

"What the hell are you rambling on about now?"

"This is just because you're angry I'm moving away. It's so typical of you to use any means necessary to get your way. You'll do anything, won't you? Even hurt me, and everyone else. Grow up, Scott! I'm not going to fall for your manipulation anymore."

I wanted to slap her. "What the fuck? I'm not doing anything like that. I've never tried o manipulate you and I would never say those words as a weapon! What is so wrong with you that you can't accept anything I say anymore?"

"Just, shut up! You're always messing with my head and I can't anymore! You don't know what you feel. You're with Shelby and you love Shelby and it's always been her. So don't start saying all this bull to me and expect me to suddenly swoon and forget all about everything. "

"You're such a bitch." Oops. Should probably not have said that.

"You're the one who's trying to dictate to me how I should live my life, you're the one who's telling me out of the blue that I can't leave because you're a selfish ass who out of nowhere has realized you 'love' me, you're the one who's not making any sense, and I'm the bitch?"

"I'm not saying it because I'm jealous of Auggie, even though I am. I'm not saying it because I don't want you to leave, though I don't. I said it because it's true and if you're leaving, you deserve to know the full story before making a life changing choice."

"There is no choice. I'm going. Your messed up feelings and moods won't affect mine. I don't know why you're doing this to me, but I won't just stand here and let you ruin all that I've figured out."

She still wasn't looking at me. Clenching my jaw angrily, I grabbed her chin and made her stop avoiding eye contact.

"I care. I care about you so fucking much it scares me and I know I've always known that but I've been smart and ignored it. But I can't ignore it if you won't be in my life any more. I'm not going to sit here silently and let you walk away not knowing because fuck it, I know if I didn't say anything I'd have regretted it and wondered what would have happened. So you can hate me, you can rant about how I ruined your plans and am fucking with your head. But know that I do love you and this was never meant to ruin your life or mess with your head. Because contrary to your beliefs, I'm not that much of a jack ass. I do want the best for you and I know that I'm not it. Whatever." I vented. "I know it's Auggie that you feel for, I know I'm a retard for choosing now to say this, I know we're barely even friends anymore. But I also know I relied on you as life support for the better part of a year. I know that we never got a real chance at a real relationship. I know we never got the closure we needed and that I regret everything about how I handled the way our first try at going out ended. I know that I wonder what the fuck went wrong and if we could have had something and _I know_ I have Shelby. I know you're not supposed to be the person I feel this way for. I know you don't want me to love you. And I know, for Christ's sake, that I can't help it. I can't just ignore it anymore and no matter what happens I won't regret telling you. So fuck everything."

I finally released her jaw from my hand and stood up to leave. What's that? No, I'm not running away…

I knew she would say something. I knew she would stop me. I knew she would. She always does.

I expected an apology. A quick, soft, I'm sorry. Something to confirm everything I said as truth in the gentlest way she could deliver it. I waited for the words. With them would be the real closing of the door of our closeness. She would move away. I would pretend like I didn't care. And we would never speak again for the rest of our lives.

'_I'm sorry…'_

'_Auggie...'_

'_It's not that I don't care…'_

'_Goodbye.' _

'_I'm leaving in so-and-so days.'_

Pick your verbal farewell honey, you won't get another.

"You must know I loved you too." Juliette weakly murmured. She was staring at the wall. "All year long. I catered to your love for Shelby and you can't even imagine how hard it was for me to not…"

I leaned against the doorframe and frowned.

"I chose you, Scott. Last year when Auggie came for a visit, he was jealous of us and he made me choose. I loved you. I chose you. Auggie left because I didn't want him to stay. I messed it up because I couldn't just be your friend, be that close to you and not care more. You made me care and I knew it was ridiculous and that's why I'm leaving. God, you're so stupid! Telling me this now, honestly. I was fine. I was happy. I was almost able to tell myself I was over you." Her face was doing that crumbling thing it did whenever she got emotional. "But of course I wanted you to love me. I prayed for it. It's _you _who can't understand the depth of emotion _I _feel for _you_. You've done nothing but push me away and up until recently I've been fighting so hard to keep you."

I stared at her.

Finally, she stared back.

"Why couldn't you just have said I'm sorry?" I sighed, slumping to the floor.

"Why couldn't you just have let me leave?"

"We can't do this you know."

"You're the one who started it."

"Yeah well we can't do this. Not now or in the near future or ever. I do have Shelby and I won't fuck with her that way. She deserves more. And Auggie's been my best friend for years. I won't screw him over. I won't trash their lives. That isn't a responsibility I am willing to carry. So you and me? We can't." I was panicking. Somehow I hadn't thought through the ensuing scenario for if she had actually said she felt the same way. I guess I'm pessimistic that way. Wait, is this the best or worst thing that could have happened? What did I want her to say? That she hated me?

I supposed that'd be easier.

"Don't you think I know that?" She snapped. "Why do you think I've never said anything about it? I wasn't going to be a selfish backstabbing slut and throw myself at you when I knew you had an intense relationship with a good friend of mine. Apparently, you don't have any selflessness!"

"Did you want me to keep silent? Last time I checked, it's supposed to be a good thing when someone you care about tells you they're in love with you."

"Says the guy who's panicking and getting upset with ME for saying the words back!"

"This is insane."

Juliette stared at me, her eyes boiling over with emotion until she finally said, "That really is it, then. You only want me because you know you can't have me. You're with Shelby and things are fine, you didn't give a crap about me. The moment I get a boyfriend, you flare up. You're just used to having anything you want so the idea of a forbidden relationship just intoxicates you, doesn't it? It's not me you want. It's the idea that you can't have me."

"Stop making assumptions! That's not how this went down."

"You said it yourself, you can't be with me. If you can't be with me, why the hell would you tell me all of this? Just to hurt me? Because honestly Scott, how could those words have done anything but hurt me?"

"I couldn't ignore it anymore, okay? I didn't mean it to be selfish. I just- I can't just suppress everything."

"I did. For a full year. I did it for you. To make things easier for you."

"No, you did it because you thought you'd get rejected. Stop being so high and mighty and moral- you know very well that if you had thought I loved you and not Shelby, you would have made a move."

"Thank you so much for declaring what a bad friend I am!"

"You don't get it. This isn't about other people. It's about us. You and me. It sucks that other people are involved but it comes down to you and me. So yes I said the words. And are you actually going to stand there and say all you felt when you heard those words were anger?"

Juliette stood up from her perch on the bed and walked up to me. She took my hand and her eyes bore into mine disconcertingly.

After a beat, she leaned in closely to me and whispered next to my lips, "I can't kiss you. I can't touch you or hold you or be with you. I love you is just another mockery used to remind me of how much of you I don't have. Because when you said that… and when you look at me like you're doing now… you can't even know how much I wanted to…"

My arms reflexively slipped around her slender frame. I couldn't help it. She was crying out for comfort and I couldn't not give that to her. She pressed herself against my chest and I didn't want to let her go. When I felt the soft shaking of sobs vibrating off her body, a part of me broke.

I did this to her.

She was so warm and so damn familiar. I know how wrong this is. I know we're only supposed to be friends. But that's the thing isn't it? If your best friend is someone of the opposite sex it's almost inevitable that you'll eventually develop feelings for them. No matter how much you say they're like a sister to you, the thing is, they're not. And that closeness will translate into something else.

"Jules, it's going to be okay."

"Where do we go from here?" She asked me quietly, her hands still clinging desperately to my body.

"Where would you like us to go?"

She shut her eyes and re-opened them, stroking my cheek for the briefest of moments. "I can't ask you to leave Shelby, You may claim love me, but she was the love of your life."

"She was the first person I seriously loved. But first loves are just that, aren't they? They have to end at some point."

"Auggie's going to… we're going to be cut out of his life. Is this really worth it? Niether of them will ever speak to us again. Can we really just throw away two deep friendships for the possibility of there being an us? What if we don't' work out? What if we are just better as friends? What if you miss Shelby? That's a lot of pressure for us to stay together, with all we'd be sacrificing…"

I let her go. "Are you saying we shouldn't try then? Just ignore it all?"

"Are you saying this isn't what we should be doing? Scott, I'd do anything for you. I'd leave Auggie. I'd be the slutty boyfriend stealing boy using cow if you asked me to be that girl. But I won't be doing it if all you feel for me is some ideal that I won't be able to live up to."

"You're the most wishy washy person I know, and you're questioning MY integrity and indecisiveness?" I snapped.

"Stop yelling at me! Scott, do you want me or don't you?"

"We can't do this…" I sighed again. "We can't. I do want you, Juliette. I'm not just saying that. But we can't. It'd be ridiculously horrible of us."

"So you're just going to string along Shelby, waste more of her time when you know your heart's not into your relationship?"

"What would you have me do?"

"Break up with her. It's not fair to be with her when you're not in love with her!"

"I never said I'm not in love with her."

Juliette looked like she might slap me at that point. "Well, Scott, you can't have BOTH of us. You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want her, be with her. God, I don't know why I even bother talking to you. I'm sitting here saying I've always loved you and you're here saying you love us both? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I can't be here right now."

"Go ahead. Run away. This was all just one mind game, wasn't it?"

I got frustrated at this point and stopped my walk out the door to stride back in front of her and pressed my lips against hers with all the gentleness of sandpaper. The act shocked her and it took her a second to react and kiss me back but by the time she did, I broke away and stormed out of the apartment.

"No, this wasn't a fucking mind game. I'm just doing the right thing. One of us has to."

"This isn't the right thing!" she called after me.

No, but it was the safe thing.

* * *

**AN:** Waaaay overdue, sorry XD. Thanks for the reviews. Scott's reaction may be a bit strange but he is just honestly freaking out because he didn't anticipate her saying it back. Yes, our blond jock is a bit dense at times ;) We'll find out what the deal is with Shelby next chapter, and also Auggie and Juliette will have some screen time. Scott's going to be very pissy for the next while haha. 


	35. Bitterly Bitchy, Resolved? Nothing

**Shelby**

"You okay?"

"Fucking fabulous." I answered pleasantly. I was sitting sullenly on bookstore David's couch, having managed to pull myself together a short while ago and having finally relinquished my grip on him.

He was looking at me with a smidgen of hesitation but seemed to be fairly laid back about finding me crying outside his door. Either that or he was just very good at keeping himself hard to read and reigned in. Judging from the way his eyes were lightly watching me, I knew he was concerned. I appreciated that he wasn't being nosy or annoyingly hennish, not that I particularly expected him to.

This was so pathetic. What was so wrong with me that I still couldn't make that many girlfriends and had to come running to a guy who had been hitting on me for the past few weeks?

I sighed and accepted the mug of coffee David offered me.

I looked away from his gaze and after a beat, I felt him get up. He soon returned, depositing a blanket and a cushion next to me.

"Thanks." I said.

"No problem." He nodded. I was surprised when he just casually walked back to the kitchen table to continue reading some sort of book; the activity I presume he had been doing before I came.

The fact that he didn't hover over me was a completely unpredictable move and I just stared at him perplexedly for a moment, wondering what I should do with myself.

"Oh and you can watch T.V. if you want, and there's not much in the fridge but feel free to anything aside from the pasta in the yellow bowl- that's totally mine for later." He murmured, glancing at me over his book.

"You're not even a little curious about what's wrong with me?"

He shrugged. "Sure I am. I've just had too many friends dump on my couch not to realize that just because they come to me to crash doesn't mean they actually trust me enough to talk. Which is odd, yes, but whatever. You already know I'll listen if you want to talk about whatever so I'm not just going to say it anyways when you don't need telling." David's eyes shifted back to the page and I smiled- actually a little warmed by his consideration.

Of course, he had to add, "Mmm. And though you can stay for a bit, I'm only gonna go for a longterm thing if you finally agree to let me sex you up. If you get lonely tonight, my bed's that room over there." He jerked his head to the door on the right and smirked.

"I will definitely keep that in my mind." I rolled my eyes.

The TV movie I had been watching was just nearing the end when David slipped into his room. "By the way, if a guy did this to you, and not to make assumptions but 8/10 times it is, then he's an ass. Good night." Another flash of a charming smile and he had shut his door behind him.

I looked at the door for a second and wondered for the hundredth time that night what the hell I was going to do with my boyfriend.

xXx

The next morning, I was woken up by David coming back in from the front door. Apparently, the man whore had gotten antsy and slipped out a bit after I fell asleep. I had to give him props for having the thoughtfulness to sleep over at the chick's place and not wake and keep me up with anything by taking her here.

"I may think you're hot but I'm not going to sit up at night and pine for you." Was what his amused eyes nonverbally told me when I asked him where he was.

I supposed then that I couldn't be a dolt and stay hiding from my problems when I was the one who got all spazzy when other people did the same thing. I thanked my friend for letting me stay and he nicely said I could come back if I had to. Our goodbye hug may have consisted of his hand sliding smoothly down a little lower than was strictly necessary, but I'll let him have his moment. I did after all steamroll into his apartment without even a single sentence in explanation. I'm sure I'm as confusing as fuck to deal with, but eh.

I'm doing it again, aren't I? Wallowing in a hazily cheerful daze of denial. Thinking about anything at all except for the fact that I had to run to his place to begin with because Scott's being an imbecile again. Because Scott would neither confirm or deny anything. Because Scott can smile and kiss me and be so great except when it really matters. No, when it really matters he just can't say the right words or do the right thing.

But this isn't even about that. This isn't about what he couldn't say or do. Like I told him, I don't want him to just tell me what I want to hear. But fuck, why couldn't he say SOMETHING? Even if it was 'Shelby. You're right. I don't love you. You're an annoying, insecure, pain in the ass bitch. Juliette is who I'm gonna choose. She's pretty and sweet and well, let's be honest, not YOU!'. Anything but this silence. Anything but this uncertainty.

I dragged my feet as I made my way back to my apartment. I didn't want to go back. But I needed my books for class. I didn't want to go back.

To distract myself, I wasted time at a Starbucks and checked my cell voice mail. Auggie left a message.

Oh, lovely. Juliette had decided to be indecisive and flighty again. Apparently, she had skirted away again and Auggie hadn't been able to find her for hours last night. The apartment had been empty and neither of the bothersome roommates of ours could be found. When he did find her, she was all messed up and panicky again because stupid Scott had guilt tripped her and she was, once again, second guessing her choices.

I sighed.

Flipping my phone open, I called Auggie back and tiredly told him to meet me at the coffee place, with the books I needed.

Why, WHY was I the one who had to glue things back together? Things weren't exactly peachy keen and perfect for me either, but no, people were too fucking weak to fix their own issues.

I downed my frappucino and reluctantly felt bad for my thoughts. Auggie wasn't weak. He just had to deal with Juliette.

Wow, I wasn't bitter at all this morning.

Auggie popped up promptly, his appearance clearly telling the world that he had gotten little sleep last night.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He was cradling his drink for a minute in silence before he asked, "Wait a sec. Where were YOU last night?"

I was not getting into this. I looked at him and all but growled, "Out."

He looked like he might press the matter so I sharpened my glare and cut him off. "Look, I'm not in a very good mood and I have class soon so do you want to talk about how your girlfriend is a spazz or not?"

Auggie crossed his arms. "Fine."

"Okay, so she's being moronic."

"She was all distracted when I spoke to her. She felt really bad about leaving the place we were staying, but she was also really guilty because Scott felt the need to ramble about how he needed her to stay here."

"So get her to grow a backbone. Fight for her. Come on, if it comes down to it, who do you think she'll choose? Scott or you?"

Auggie didn't look too pleased with my response. "Her best friend or the guy she's barely spoken to in a year?"

"Her roommate who's been a manbitch to her lately or the love of her life she's just been given a second chance with?" I retorted.

"I don't know if I should be pushing her. If she doesn't know what she wants-"

"Auggie. She'll never be sure what she wants. Push her or you'll be waiting a lifetime." Okay so I was cranky and maybe just a bit selfish in my advice as I mainly just wanted her with Auggie so I could have Scott focus on me again. But still, it wasn't bad advice.

I left Auggie with that flustered piece of advice and departed. I couldn't help but be paranoid that I made things worse and not better for him and Juliette. It was this nagging little thought at the back of my mind that wouldn't leave me alone until I finally went back home.

I walked into a heated discussion between Auggie and Juliette. Not wanting to be yanked into the conversation, I backed up and out of the door.

Who had to be just entering the apartment but Scott?

"Oh- hi." He said.

"Aug and Juliette are talking." I told him.

"Well, I'm still gonna go in."

"Leave them alone, Scott."

"Where did you go last night?"

"A place."

"A place?"

"A friend's place."

"A girl friend's place?"

I stared at him and maybe took a little too much relish in saying, "No."

His eyes smouldered. His mouth twisted downwards and it was all in all, a not very happy Scott. Realizing that he wasn't going to move his form anytime soon, I gave up on trying to leave and retreated back to the apartment.

I tried not to listen in on the conversation but it's hard not to when they're practically yelling.

"Do you want me or don't you?" Auggie snapped.

Juliette was melting. She was wringing her hands and looking completely torn apart. I glanced at Scott, who had followed me in. He looked just as tense as Auggie did and his eyes were trained on Juliette too.

Hello? I stayed at a guy friend's place last night. As in, I could have cheated on you. Goddamn, what did I have to do to make him care?

I was annoyed now and decided to draw Scott's attention back to me.

"I stayed at a guy friend of mine's place, in case you're wondering. He works at the bookstore with me and is actually really fucking attractive, but of course you aren't jealous or even thinking about me at the moment, are you?" I lowly blurted.

Scott's eyes focused back on mine at last. "You can't just run away like that, Shelby. You didn't even call- I mean-"

"You didn't stop me. You didn't run after me."

"Did… nothing happened with you and that guy, right?"

"I don't know, do you care or are you still wondering what Juliette's going to say to Auggie's question? Because really, if I don't have your full attention…"

"Stop being like this!"

"Maybe I fucked his brains out. Maybe he actually wanted me to fuck him. Maybe I finally got some action for the first time in years and maybe it felt good."

He looked like I had just slapped him in the face. Scott's face contorted and I felt a twinge of guilt for saying all that bullshit.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't see him like that, not when I didn't actually do anything. Not even if he deserved it. "Maybe nothing happened. Maybe I just wish you'd react, show you cared about me for once. Maybe I hate it when you're not even a little bit jealous."

"Shelby…"

"Save it. You had your chance to speak, to make it right. Do you have anything to add to your boatload of silence from last night or are you just gonna say my name and hope I get over whatever mood swing I'm currently in? Because it's not a mood swing and I want you to say actual words for once."

Scott glanced over at the other couple and for the first time I realized I had accidentally interrupted their argument with ours. They were both staring at us.

Come on, Shelby, get your bitch on. "Well? Juliette, DO you want him or not?" I looked at Scott again. "Scott's just dying to know, isn't he?"

"What the fuck?" Scott exclaimed. "I wish you'd shut up for two seconds and listen to what the hell you've been spouting out. You're being delusional. I don't know what's gotten into you but yeah it's driving me off the wall and you KNOW I fucking love you so please stop trying to poke holes in our relationship!"

"I don't know anything."

"I do." Juliette spoke up finally, quietly. "I do know things and I do want you. And I don't want you to leave again. And I don't want to be alone again. And I don't want to fight anymore. Because it hurts too much. Because I can't yell anymore."

Auggie didn't say anything, he just opened up his arms and she fell into them. And they hugged tightly. She kissed him intimately and all was fixed.

God, WHY can't my love life be as easily cured as hers? Why was her life always so much smoother?

Scott looked at the couple like they had just declared that they enjoyed eating decapitated babies.

He muttered something under his breath about being out of line and his lip curled in disgust.

"And look who's angry again at all the wrong reasons." I spat out.

Scott glared. "You know what, I am fucking angry. At all of you. At all of this." He shot daggers at Juliette and looked like he was going to start attacking something or someone fairly soon.

Auggie looked bewildered. "You always gotta be pissed at something, don't you?"

"Is Augusto confused?" Scott mocked.

"And you're being a viscious mother fucker again. I just love this version of you, Meat. Love." Auggie rolled his eyes.

"I suppose I should be congratulating the happy couple. At least someone can be happy." Scott looked back at me.

"Excuse me for not being able to fake it all just to keep you in your stupid bubble of denial." I snarled. "I half wish I did actually sleep with David. Maybe you'd realize you don't have it nearly as bad as you seem to think. Maybe then you would stop taking me for granted."

"I don't take you for granted."

"Your words mean nothing and I'm starting to think you don't care about that fact."

"You're starting to get on my last nerve."

"My world won't break. Surprise surprise, you aren't my world."

"You're being totally bitchy now for no reason."

"You just refuse to admit the reason."

We glared at each other for a long time before he caved under the staring contest and shook his head, detaching his gaze and locking himself in his room again.

"Look who's running away again." I called after him.

I wished I could run away and never come back. I wished I could stay away and stop being the one who had to do the chasing. What do I have to do to make a guy chase after me for once?

Goddamn I hated my life right now.

* * *

AN: yup. So oddly, I have reached a solid wall of writers block for -all- of my stories. Which is why I finally just made myself sit down and type. Inspiration isn't everything and maybe now I'll get back on track. Sorry again for the delay. Stupid real life and boy issues abound. Thank you all for sticking with me. 


	36. She can be a bitch, too

**Juliette**

Auggie was so comforting. Soft, gentle… he was my white knight. And God, the way he looked at me when I said I really wanted him- I can't express how deeply gratified I am to have that effect on a person. To have someone care about me that much- it felt so nice.

And I want him to be happy too, I do- and he was. He is. And it's because of me. Is it so bad of me to want to be wanted?

Scott looked so angry. A part of me was pleased. I wouldn't wait forever and I wasn't going to be jerked around by him anymore. I wanted to hurt him. I can't just sit here and hope he'll choose me. I won't let him have us both. It's not fair to me or Shelby and it's definitely not something he deserves. I don't even know why we care about him. Why we fight over him. I mean Christ, he's an over grown baby who has been spoiled all his life into believing everything is his for the taking.

Auggie is everything I want. Everything I want to want. He may as well be perfect.

So why am I still biting my lips every time I think about Scott, why do I keep tasting the too quick kiss? Why is it that no matter how infuriating he is and no matter how much my mind tells me he isn't for me he's still the one I want to hold me and never let go?

I'm so confused right now. I'm not just using Auggie. I care about him. I really, really do. The pool of emotion I felt for him is still there- it offers so much potential. I could have a future with him. He adores me and I know that I could grow to love him again.

But as much as I tell myself that it's just lust for Scott; that it's just infatuation… I don't think I've felt any emotion as strongly as I did when we told each other it was love we felt. It's been a year. I can't just turn those feelings off. Damn it though I'm going to try.

Am I a bad person? I can't just wait around for Scott forever and no one can expect me to. This is what I'm supposed to do. Move on.

I smiled as I felt Auggie's fingers gently rest on my stomach, his other arm tightly around my shoulders and his lips brushing against my neck. I smiled as he whispered how glad he was to hear my words and how he was sorry for yelling. I smiled as he called me his girl, as he murmured Spanish lowly to my ears. I watched him leave the apartment, that dazed grin still on his face, and I tried hard to grasp the feeling inside me that I know should be there. I tried to identify the happiness, the giddiness I always used to feel around my new boyfriends. I tried to find the buzz I should be feeling over having him call me his girl, over being able to call him boyfriend. I closed my eyes.

And I felt someone sitting down next to me on my bed and I thought of Auggie. His sweet face full of puppy dog love for me. And I opened my eyes and looked into the clear blue eyes of Scott. Undeniably, I felt my stomach clench up and the light headed feeling I couldn't find for Auggie appeared unbidden. It was his blue eyes I wanted. It was his full lips I wanted. It was his blond curls I wanted. It was Auggie's emotion I wanted. It was Auggie's loyalty and respect and passion and love I wanted. Why couldn't…

He looked so sad. "I'm sorry about everything, Jules. I did it all wrong and I lashed out and ran away and I shouldn't have done any of it."

"You should be saying these things to Shelby." I chided him, trying not to jump when his hand slipped over mine. I moved my hand away from his uncomfortably.

"She… left again."

"You should have chased after her."

"And what, Juliette? Lie to her?"

"You have two choices. Realize you do love her and want to make it work with her and then apologize for everything and genuinely try or realize you just don't feel it any more and then apologize for everything and break up with her. It's not that hard. Grow a pair." I wasn't being very nice. "I expect you're here to get mad at me for saying I want Auggie? To be indignant that I said that after telling you I care about you? To throw a hissy fit when you did the very same thing to me with Shelby?"

"No. I know you didn't do anything wrong and I can't say you betrayed me. I know I have no right to demand you to remain single while I have a girlfriend. I just came in here because I wanted to make sure you knew how sorry I was that all this went down. And I wanted to say that I don't regret telling you I love you because it's the honest truth, no matter how stubbornly I tried to ignore it. I didn't have any right getting pissed at you, I was always just mad at myself and my weakness. I wanted to come in here because I didn't want our relationship to be over like that."

I wished I could hug him and tell him that we'd always have a bond and that I wasn't angry at him for being stupid earlier but I couldn't. If I did, I'd enable him to do it again. And I was so sick of the dumb circles we kept going in. I had to stop the cycle. So I did something different than what was expected of me.

I didn't smile or soften or apologize or even accept his apology. I didn't look away from his eyes to deliver the bad news, a tactic I used so often. Looking him straight in the eye, my face devoid of emotion, I replied, "It doesn't matter how sorry you are. I don't care that you don't regret what you said- I regret what I said. I've been so dumb to wait and pine over you all year…it was childish and you were never worth it. I think you're being a despicable boyfriend to Shelby and you've been a bad friend to me and to Auggie. I know this is your ploy to play up your sensitive-sweet side but I won't fall for it this time. Nothing you say or do can change my mind. I'm still moving, Scott. I'm still going to leave and I'm still going to be with Auggie. My choice doesn't change and it won't change despite whatever manoeuvre you try. I'm leaving with the man I love."

Scott in turn reacted in an unpredictable way. I expected an angry tantrum or something of the sort.

Instead, he softly cupped the side of my face, stroking my cheek with care. His eyes looked even more wretched now as he lowly whispered, "I know." The blonde leaned in closer to me and I glanced down at his lips, my own parting slightly in stupid anticipation… Closer, closer still… and with a real note of finality, Scott brushed his lips against my forehead and got up off my bed, leaving the room without a backward glance.

I had just finished scolding him and suddenly expected to make out with him. That's lovely, isn't it? Silly, ridiculous, hormonal and UNFAITHFUL me.

Shaking my head in a vain attempt to get the Scott scenarios to stop playing out in my head, I fell back on my bed in frustration. I wanted him, or at least my body very much did. Worried about this line of thinking, I flung my arm out to grab my cordless and hoped Auggie was back at the apartment.

"Hey, I know you didn't leave that long ago, but can you come over again?" I sat up against my headboard and another image of Scott kissing me attacked me. "I miss you."

xXx

Auggie's face lit up when he saw me as I answered the door. It felt so good to be this wanted. As I pressed against him, his arms enclosing around me, I had to get angry with myself for not appreciating Auggie for all that he was. Auggie kissed me in greeting just as Scott walked by. The fairer boy's face closed over as he looked at the pair of us before letting his eyes glance into mine for a moment. I kissed Auggie back with a fervour, watching Scott for just long enough to see his pain grow even more palpable before I shut my eyes tightly and pulled my boyfriend even closer to me. Treacherous as it is, my mind was imprinted with Scott's face and then I imagined it was him I was pressed against, it was him sighing lightly. The thought gave me a passion I've rarely exhibited with Auggie, and he noticed.

We finally broke apart. With a pleasantly surprised smile on his face, Auggie panted, "Wow Jules, didn't think you missed me that much after one hour. Who knows how you'll treat me if I'm gone for a week, I gotta stay away more often."

"Don't. Don't do that. I'll miss you too much." I answered cheerfully, kissing the side of his mouth.

"I love you more every minute I'm with you, do you know that, bonita?"

"I love you too." My hand was in Auggie's but my gaze was once more on Scott, who couldn't make himself look away despite the pain it was clearly causing him. I ripped my eyes away from Scott and started to half-drag Auggie back to my room. "Come on. Let's have some privacy."

This of course prompted the boy at my side to notice Scott for the first time.

"Hey Meat." He greeted tersely.

Scott nodded at him in that boy-greeting that I've grown used to seeing while Auggie turned back to me to be led into my room. I don't know where all this vindictive bitchiness came from, but I added in just loud enough for Scott to hear, "You're staying the night, right?"

"If you want me to, sure."

"We can't be too loud this time, though. I mean, I think people wanted to kill us after a while when we did this at Horizon."

"You're the one who can't keep it down, Jules." He snorted. As we closed the door, I relished the look of shock and horror pass over Scott's expression. I knew that he wouldn't remember that I had told him I was a virgin and his mind would immedietaly jump to conclusions with that the comments I just had to make. Truth was, Auggie and I had been referring to our all night conversations we used to share at the school. He'd sneak into my room and we'd talk all night in the bathroom. I would get too into it and giggle loudly or talk animatedly, and next morning all the girls in my dorm would stare at me threateningly.

God, I'm horrible. I shouldn't have said that- why do I have to be so cruel?

I'm hurting so I have to make him hurt, is that it? I loved him and he realized it too late so I have to make him suffer for loving me?

I sat on Auggie's lap as he settled on my bed. He was looking at me lovingly- again. Every time he looks at me his eyes are full of the devotion he has for me and it makes me feel so bad that I don't love him as much as he does me. I had to make this up to him. I had to make it worthwhile for him to have travelled all this way… he's put up with all my stupid issues and he's done it happily because he loves me. If I'm not as engaging as I can possibly be with him, I'll let down the emotion he has for me. It's the least I can do.

So I laughed at all his jokes and prompted all his stories. And I didn't stop him when our talking turned to kissing and our hand holding turned to his hand sliding under my shirt…and cupping my bra…and slipping under my bra.

"Is this okay?" He asked me quickly, retracting his hand since it had been in the moment and reflexive that he moved it at all.

He looked searchingly into my eyes and I didn't know what I wanted to do any more. He deserved to have me and I couldn't truly say I could give him all of me emotionally, isn't it the least I could do to let him have me physically? I know he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, and I know I care about him and wouldn't want to cause him pain, that's grounds for a physical relationship, right?

"We don't have to do this." He continued. Looking abashed, he dropped his hand. "I shouldn't have done anything. We've never before and we haven't been together again for that long. I'm sorry."

I stared at him, the ideal boyfriend, ever so scared of doing something that I didn't want; that I wasn't ready for. Always so scared of messing anything up because he considered me the best thing to happen to him. And I kissed him again, gently, and lifted my shirt over my head, meeting his eyes with a set readiness I didn't feel.

"You don't have anything to prove and nothing to owe. I've loved you all this time without us having to move physical and that doesn't have to change unless you absolutely want it to. I ain't gonna pressure you into nothing because what I want from you isn't sex, it's just you Jules." Auggie finished his little disclaimer with sincerity- he really meant it. Not that I didn't notice him exhale sharply when my shirt came off, but he did seriously want to make sure I was okay with this. Could he be any more of a perfect boyfriend? My brain whispered again that this was the one I should want- not the imbecile blonde who knew nothing. Auggie truly madly deeply loved me unconditionally.

Touching his cheek, I answered softly, "I know. That's exactly why I want to do this."

Slowly, I found myself leaning into him. My hands found themselves under his shirt, stroking his skin before his shirt too was being tugged up. He lifted his arms up and helped me remove it and then his lips were pressed against mine hotly and his hands rubbed my bare waist and rested on my behind which was still on top of his lap. I moved my legs so that they were on either side of his lap in a straddle and they gripped his sides. Next moment, I realized with a jolt that he was…hard. Okay, so he's been… in that… condition... before in our history, but not in a long time clearly and not in a position that was quite so close to relieving said condition.

"You're sure this is okay?"

I nodded. His eyes never left mine as one of his hands firmly wrapped around my back and the other supported us both on the bed as he rose up to his knees to reverse our positions of who was on top. My legs were still clinging to him but my back was now against the bed as his lips traced a dizzying pattern across my jaw, then my neck, and then downwards to my chest.

His fingers were just sliding under the clasp in my bra, his tongue gliding over the surface of my breasts when the phone rang.

He paused.

"Ignore it." I commanded. I was afraid that if we stopped, I wouldn't have the courage to resume. I was afraid because the prospect of everything we were doing and were about to do scared the living daylights out of me. The voice in my head was scolding me for being such a prude. I was nineteen and in college- plenty of people here had been having sex for years. The much more vocal and much louder voice was shrieking that I wasn't one of those people, that I wasn't ready, that this was wrong and that try as I might to fight it, Scott's face was still on the fringes of my mind.

Oh, my bra was unclasped. Oh, he's sliding it off now. Oh, his _tongue_…

All of a sudden, there was a knock on my door.

"Ignore it." I repeated, letting my eyes loll back. My back arched and even though I knew I wasn't ready, my body wasn't exactly protesting.

The door opened. It took Auggie and me a moment to register that fact. Scott's face swam into focus and I thought, wow, my brain really is good at making fantasies come to life. Then I realized it wasn't a fantasy.

"Shit! Sorry- phone for you- your mother." Scott stammered, backing away and screwing his eyes shut.

Auggie swallowed and looked mortified at being walked in on, but got off me. "Are you going to-?"

"I should really take that." I quickly said, my eyes shying down ashamed as I self-consciously did my bra back up and threw my shirt back on.

On my way out of my room, I shut the door and made my way to the phone.

"I'm sorry." Scott instantly said, his eyes totally looking at the wall. "I hadn't expected you guys to have…gone so far so quickly. Didn't mean to interrupt anything and, honestly, I didn't think you guys would have already moved that far in the few minutes you were in there, I should have knocked again… I didn't see anything."

"I'm sorry." I told him back. I should have told him I was sorry for subjecting him to that and that I did care and I was partly doing this to hurt him and it was wrong. I should have said I was sorry for rubbing my closeness with Auggie in his face. Instead, I continued on with, "That was an intimate thing that I should have been more careful about… next time, I'll put a sock on the door knob or something. And I really will try to keep it down, I know the wall between our rooms is thin."

Looking away, I picked up the phone and turned away from him. I knew my mom wouldn't have heard anything, she's always multitasking and talking to me was always low on her list of tasks. She was always more focussed on her other task so I'm sure she was talking to a caterer or servant instead of listening in.

"Mother?"

"Juliette. Was that Scott?"

"Mmhmm."

"Nice boy. Nice manners. Are you two dating yet?"

"No, mother."

"Oh. Well I like him."

"I know, mother. You've told me. Several times."

"Well, are you seeing anyone?"

"Actually, Augusto came back to visit and we're together again."

Silent disapproval. I could almost see her glare.

"Anyways, mom, how's Canada treating you?"

"Just fine. Your father informed me…" Blah, blah, upper class neighbourhood, blah insolent servants had to be fired, blah how are your grades, blah blah did you actually gain weight, blah did I look into that modelling thing she told me about in her last letter… blah, blah.

Scott suddenly stuck his hand outside the front door and knocked loudly. He called out, "Juliette, it's your study group. They're here."

"Did you hear that?" I asked my mother.

She said she had and that she'd let me go, since I needed all the studying I could cram in since my looks were probably not going to win me all that much in my future.

I was about to ask for her contact information but she had already hung up.

I sunk into the sofa, feeling drained. "Thank you." I told Scott as he shut the door. It was our tried and true method of getting me off the hook with talking to my mother. We alternated between study groups to professors to well-contacted friends to whatever it was that popped into the blonde's head at the moment. I was amazed he'd still do that for me after walking in on me and Auggie.

"Are you okay?" And he was still concerned about me after all the bitchiness I had been hitting him with. He gestured to the phone. "Was she horrible?"

"She didn't leave her number or address or anything." I quietly admitted. He shifted slightly closer to me but he was still a good foot away from me. I let my head fall between my hands and I shut my eyes. "I just feel like I have no family. Again. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be whining about this, I do it too much."

He touched my shoulder briefly as he finally walked up beside me. "You do have a family. My family's your family, remember?" I looked up at him and realized that his one shoulder touch gave me more warmth than anything Auggie had been doing. "Now. You have a kick ass boyfriend in there, waiting for you." His eyes still washed over with hurt when he said it, but he tried to suppress it.

"You're not being as selfish or mean as usual."

"I know. I've just realized you deserve better. You've made your choice and I'm just going to have to suck it up if I want you in my life, and I do really want you in my life."

"So you're okay with me and Auggie?"

"God no. But you're okay with me and Shelby."

Oh my God. This just in: BOTH guys in my life are good, sweet, selfless, and put me above themselves. I suddenly felt much, much worse. Things were way easier when I could believe that Scott was a jerk and he would never treat me right, never be as good to me as Auggie was. Now that he was being sincere and a good guy, I wanted to cry. I was hurting him and I was hurting Auggie and how could he say I deserve better? I deserve to be alone.

"Scott, you're making it awfully hard for me to do the right thing here." I whispered.

"What do you mean?" He was genuinely confused.

I shook my head and just kissed him on the cheek. "When all of this is said and done and over with, I just want you to know that you were one of the best friends I've ever made. And that I am truly sorry for anything I've ever done that's hurt you. I really hope you can look at me and still say all those things you've just said."

"Jules…"

"I have to get back to my boyfriend now." I interrupted him. If I stayed much longer, I was going to end up hugging him and knowing me, that would lead to kissing and badness all around.

I knew I would be telling Auggie that I wasn't ready. I knew any resolve I had had piddled away. I knew any self justification I had for allowing Auggie to believe I was in love with him and only him had just been shot to hell. I knew I was horrible and I didn't know if what I was doing was right any more. At the beginning of today, Scott had been the selfish, self-serving, jerk of a guy who wanted two girls. At the end of today, I was the selfish hypocritical bitch who wanted two guys. I was the one who didn't deserve anyone, not him.

I wanted to curl up and die but instead I entered my room and smiled my fake smile and pretended I was happy.

Was this what my life would be like from now on? Pretending to be happy? Was this it?

* * *

**AN:** Yes, I'm back after an almost three month absence, waves sheepishly. I did make this an expanded chapter, though, and so I hope that partially makes up for it. As you've seen, it's time to shift the blame off Scott and let it be shared with Juliette who can be just as wrong in her actions. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and who continues to do so wink wink, your feedback is what propels me forward and prevents me from quitting this story. To keep you guys wanting more, I'll give you a little teaser for what's to come: more fights, more tears, relationships end mend dissipate and grow stronger, an injury happens, and something that was mentioned a while back will finally resurface and come to play at the most inopportune moment. We haven't seen the last of moody man-bitch Scott but he is waking up. 


	37. Empty Apartment

**Scott**

I remember the first time I thought about Juliette at all. The very first time I took even a fraction of a second to consider the slender beauty queen.

I was too pissed off at being at the school to really give a rat's ass about anything at my first lunch at Horizon. I vaguely registered Shelby and I did notice Juliette but I didn't think about them. I saw and ignored. It's not as though female attention is new to me.

But I remember when I noticed her for the first time.

Frank's punishment for my runaway-breaking-and-entering offence involved me literally running around the grounds doing random irrelevant errands. I was timed and fuck it I did not enjoy the task. Oh yeah, he's a varsity jock let's make him sweat.

Anyways, she was waiting for me during one of my runs and she all but blocked my path, cup of water in hand. Except when I looked at the cup, it was obvious that it was empty. She looked at me with a guilty grin and suddenly kissed me without a word. I can't say it's the weirdest time I've been hit on, but it was the most surprising.

My first thought of her was that she was really girly. One of those chicks who had their wedding day planned since they were six. And that hell, she was adorable. With really, really soft lips that tasted like some sort of delicious fruit.

I thanked her in bemusement before continuing my run and just like that, I was her boy. It amuses me to think about the fact that she made the first move. Ever the traditional one, ever the one to follow rules and convention- you'd think she'd find it improper to go around kissing boys she didn't really know. You'd think she'd find it improper to make the first move at all. But I was glad she did.

And now she was having sex with my best guy friend. My two best friends were having sex. In the room next to mine.

The thought made me nauseous so naturally the moment she re-entered her room, I booked it out of the apartment. I could swallow my pride and try to be good to her for her sake but no way was I going to subject myself to listening in.

Juliette was pretty cold. Incredibly cold, actually. I know I do deserve it, but it cuts me.

But enough of that. It was truly time for me to stop thinking about Juliette and start concentrating on the other woman in my life. Juliette was right when she said I was being a horrible boyfriend and she was right when she told me I should be talking things out with Shelby. I can't run away anymore. I'm not a little kid and I can't keep acting like things will just fix themselves if I ignore them long enough.

So that was why I took a huge ass breath and pulled open the door to the bookstore Shelby worked at. I didn't think she was working, but it was worth a shot since she did work a hell of a lot of hours. She wasn't supposed to be on shift, but there she was, stocking.

I took a few steps towards her when I noticed a random employee materialize in front of me.

"Good evening, may I help you find anything?" A dark haired guy asked me politely. I glanced at Shelby. She had looked up at the sound of the guy's voice, identified me, and instantly stood up to back away.

"I was just looking for her," I told him, edging around him.

He looked at Shelby questioningly and she sighed, gave up on running away, and slowly walked closer.

"Not now. Not here. I get off in two hours and you have until I walk back to the apartment to say whatever it is you could possibly say to me. Go away."

"I need you to know that I'm-" I began painfully. She raised her hand up and extended her index finger up to shush me.

"Two hours. Not here. Not now."

I opened my mouth to say something else but the brunette employee decided now would be a good time to smile brilliantly at me and ask me if I had seen the new supply of books that had just been released today.

Seeing that this wasn't going to work, I turned down the offer to be shown the books and exited the store.

I paced. Now that I had to wait two hours, I found myself with nothing to do to kill that time. I wandered around aimlessly in a state of total stress.

Things weren't good. This heavy, painful weight was in my chest and I couldn't breathe properly. Fear was biting away at me and anxiety attacked me in wait for the talk that was to come. The reason for that was simple. I knew what I was going to say. I knew what she had to say. With perfect clarity, I understood what had to happen. And I still didn't know if it was right or decent or what I wanted. I knew it would hurt her and it would cripple me and I fully was aware that it could be a wasted effort.

I thought about getting her flowers, or chocolate, something nice. But that would be an attempt to pacify her. It would be interpreted as a pity gesture and she was above that. We weren't like most other couples and to resort to such clichés would be insulting.

There was nothing I could do to make this right. Anything that may have made her feel better, the words she needed to hear, they would be lies. She had been the first person I was truly honest with and I couldn't spit in her face like that.

There was a bar a few streets down but I didn't even consider it. To be intoxicated would mean an elevated mood, which I didn't deserve. The moment called for absolute sobriety.

Was I panicking? This wasn't panic. I was scared and nervous and wracked with dread, but this wasn't panic.

She came out. Finally.

I opened the door for her and looked at me emotionlessly.

"Shel, I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean much but I am."

"I'm really tired, Scott. I've worked thirty six hours this week. Been in class or studying for maybe twenty six. I've slept for twenty. Do you get that?" She sighed. "I'm tired. My marks are barely afloat enough for me to keep my scholarship, my pay check is barely enough to keep my end of rent, I'm worn down to pretty much my last handle."

I stared at her, genuinely confused. "Why won't you just let me help you? I could cover your rent, you don't have to work so hard. You could have more time. I've told you this."

Frustration flashed across her features. "Why won't you understand this? Why can't you see that I won't be your pitiful charity case? I know you care about Juliette, and I know you're caring about me less and less. I know the only reason you're not out yet is because you feel bad for me. And honestly, I was half considering just going along with it. Pretending to be as stupid as you seem to think I am. Because I do love you and I thought I'd do anything to be with you, to have you stay with me. But I'm not that person. And I hate that you've turned me into that person. And I realize it's not you I love. It's the person you once were. The person who never would have made me choose to be in a catatonic one-sided relationship. I don't know who you are but you're not him." She walked away from the door so I followed. "You're standing here talking about giving me money like I'm so dependent on you and I guess that's because maybe I have been and I hate it. I hate that you think I want this from you. I don't. I don't want your charity, whether it's money or fake love. You're too much of a coward to say anything, to tell me you can't be the guy I need. So you try to make up for it by buying me off. Well I can't be bought, Scott."

"You always jump down my throat every time I try to help you. Can't you just see that I do want to help, that there is no condescending attitude or intention behind it?" I answered heatedly.

"There you go. Circles. You'll focus on the fixable matter and ignore the real issue. Fixing the heater because you can't stop the house from flooding." Shelby rolled her eyes. "Now you'll act all pissed off and say I'm making unfair accusations, that you won't talk to me while I'm "like this" and you'll run away mock-angrily when really you're just terrified because you have nothing to say to that. Nothing to contradict me. I'm used to it."

"No." I glared. "That's not what I'm gonna do. Not this time. You're right. I've been running. And I'm not any more. Do you want the truth, Shelby? Is that what all your sarcastic barbing is supposed to convey to me? That you want the real truth? You stand there all tough like nothing can faze you, like you're so much more mature than I am. Like you know me so well and it's really rather a chore to come down to my level because I'm some cave man idiot who can't do anything right. You treat me like I'm some scared little boy who's been bad and not your boyfriend. Well I'm standing here and I'm not running away and I know you're not that tough and you're not superior. So do you really want the truth?"

"Yeah, I do. Not that it'll be something I haven't figured out already. You're about as subtle as thunder. It's obvious you've never had to keep a secret before in your life, the way you act around her."

My eyes widened in dismay as I stared at her in shocked disgust. She didn't look repentant. I couldn't believe she'd forget.

Rage flared through me despite my attempt to keep cool headed and I exploded at her blatant slight. "Oh that's right because having my step mother force me into fucking her was something the whole world knew about. You know what? You say I'm not who you fell in love with, well you're sure as hell not the girl I used to know. She may have bluffed a hard exterior but she was never callous enough, _bitch _enough, to say something like that. But you've turned all self centred and forgotten the one thing that first connected us, that first bonded us. I don't know what Australia did to you but I'm not in love with you any more. Truth be told, I haven't been love with you for a very long time. Anything I thought I felt was just as you said, a pitying effort for someone I thought I should love but didn't. I was going to tell you that you deserve better but fuck that. Yeah, you're so desperate to hear the truth, then here it is: I don't love you. I can barely tolerate being around you since the romance is so clearly forced and unbearingly awkward- not to mention DULL."

"I can't believe I stayed with you for this long!" She exclaimed angrily, a layer of startled pain on her face. "Next you'll be saying you've been screwing Juliette every day I was away and wish I had stayed gone so you could keep doing it."

I sneered. "Nah, Shelby, I never cheated on you. I'm starting to wish I had though."

"I'm moving out." Her voice was hard and she looked away from me.

"That's fine because in case it wasn't abundantly clear- we're through. You wonder why I didn't chase after you after all your screaming and threatening? It's because I wanted this relationship to just die. And since you wouldn't do it, I will. We haven't been a real couple in ages but just the same, we're breaking up. Here and now and not impulsively. It was a long time coming."

I turned away, she turned away, and we both strode in the opposite direction, emotions bursting. God, this hurt.

What did I just do?

xXx

After pacing around madly for an indeterminate amount of time, I trudged back to the apartment.

Auggie and Juliette were there, laughing. The contrast in our respective relationships was sickening. We had completely reversed positions.

Auggie had Juliette's rocking chair in his hands and she was gripping the bag of clothes she had brought with her when she let me convince her to go back to the apartment to think things through. I stared at the items and noticed Juliette's abrupt silence as she saw me come in.

Her boyfriend looked at her, also noting the silence, glanced at me, and started for the door. "Come on, let's get a move on, Jules."

She was watching me.

"This isn't getting any lighter." He said, an edge of annoyance creeping into his voice.

"I'll meet you out there, okay?"

I swallowed as Auggie's eyes narrowed and he sent a wary look my way. "Fine. But we really should be going soon. It's late."

"I won't be long." The brunette promised.

He leaned in to kiss her and I'm sure it was just to rub it in my face. He'd be seeing her in a few seconds anyway, what the fuck did they need a goodbye kiss for? Fucker.

She turned slightly, avoiding his lips and her body stiffened noticeably. Auggie noticed the discomfort and again gazed at me piercingly, clenching his jaw.

"Hurry it up." He commanded, before finally exiting.

Juliette shifted the bag in her hands and focused on the floor for a second.

"So, going somewhere?" I said conversationally. "Moving out again?"

She met my eyes with a startling intensity and answered, "Yeah. We've set a departure date. It'll be within a fortnight. We've taken just about everything out of here that's mine, so it won't be getting in your way. So _we_ won't be getting in your way."

"You don't have to go."

"I don't want to drive you out of your home. You're never here any more."

"So, I'll see you around."

"No. You won't."

It surprised me how calm and level she sounded.

"But you just said you're not leaving for two weeks-"

"But this is the last time we'll see each other."

"Juliette!" I protested, taking an involuntary step closer to her.

"It isn't fair if I see you again." She said softly.

"For Auggie?"

"For any of us. Do you really want to prolong this? It hurts and I know I'm hurting you and I won't do it any more. It's for the best." Juliette anxiously wrung her hands together.

"You- can't – just – leave." I managed, taking another step closer.

"Scott, don't do this."

"You're my best friend!" My tone had taken on a note of desperation now that wasn't flattering. "No, you're so much more than that. You can't just leave and never come back and just expect me to be okay with this being the last time we ever see each other. Jules, I'm in love with you and I know you don't want me to say that but it's true and I can't just let you go."

"I love you too." She whispered emotionally, leaning into me. "I'm so sorry this hurts you. You have to believe that."

"Don't go." I closed the distance between us and rested my forehead against hers, brushing her face with my fingers and finally just placed my hand on her cheek.

She stared into me and then I inched closer to her, my lips just shy of crushing over hers.

"What would you like me to say, to do?" The girl asked me. I could feel her lips touch mine with every word she spoke.

"Say you'd rather be with me. Say you don't really love him. Say you'll stay here with me."

"Be reasonable."

"Say you'll miss me. Say it will hurt you to leave me. Say this isn't what you want."

"I'll miss you. It will hurt me to leave you. This isn't what I want." She repeated my words back to me with earnest and I wanted to hold her face in both my hands and kiss her so fiercely she forgot about everything. Her lips were still so close to mine, it was tantalizing. Instead, I dropped my hand from her face and wrapped both arms around her tiny frame and pulled her against me in the tightest of hugs.

She gripped me back just as tightly. As I moved back, she yanked me closer to stop me and refused to let go. As I held her, I felt the vibrating effects of her crying.

Finally, she pushed me away, letting her hand linger on my chest as she said, "But this is still goodbye, Scott."

As she walked towards the door, I blurted out, "Shelby and I broke up today."

That caused her to pause, hesitate in deliberation, before in a quick flash she was against me again, ready to kiss me. But she didn't. She stopped just as her lips would have connected and instead, she kissed my cheek. "I guess I'm the only immoral one here then."

I grabbed her arm before she could snake away. "No would know…" I breathed, leaning in too close. "Please. You're leaving anyways. Don't I deserve that much?"

"You do." Juliette's lips moved against mine again as she spoke, and then she was walking out the door. "I don't."

Walking past the kitchen and living room, I would later notice that Shelby's room was empty of items. She had come and gone and packed up.

Walking to my room, I looked into the hollow darkness that was Juliette's room, also empty of items.

Sitting on my bed, I realized I was truly completely alone.

* * *

**AN:** Huzza, yes this is an actual update that didn't take ten years to make it up :P Thanks everyone for the reviews! 


	38. Shelby & Juliette: Girlfriends?

**Shelby**

I would love to tell you all that I'm fine. I'd love to say good riddance. 

I wish I was indifferent. After all, I did know for a while now that Scott had feelings for Juliette. I did know for a while now that things weren't like they used to be with us. Our relationship had been rocky for a long time. I could honestly say I saw this coming.

But I wasn't fine. I can't say good riddance.

xXx

"I'm shacking up with you. In the 'living-with-you' sense, not the sleeping with you sense." I dully said as bookstore David opened the door to his apartment.

I didn't give him a chance to respond before I slipped into his place and settled on the couch. Throwing my two backpacks full of crap beside me, I lied down and shut my eyes. 

Everything I owned was in storage now except for those two backpacks I had with me. 

I had considered leaving a note explaining that I was moving out, but the thought was quickly dismissed. Only a moron could misinterpret the complete emptiness of my old room. I knew that despite yelling that I was moving out, he wouldn't have thought me serious. He would now.

I didn't want to think about what had happened barely three hours ago, but I couldn't block the thoughts out. It didn't matter that our relationship had degenerated these past few months; I had loved him completely. I had trusted him completely. And now nothing would be the same. 

His words had been harsh. He had called me _dull_, of all things. I can safely attest that for all of my bad qualities, dullness would hardly be listed as one of them. I guess he considers ex-hookers dull. 

I felt remorseful, though. I knew that I had messed up too in that conversation. I should never have said that thing about him not being able to keep secrets. Still, I believed he overreacted to that minor slip of mine. 

It didn't matter now anyways, I guess. He was harsh, I was forgetful, what did it matter when we were over?

We were never an on-again-off-again couple. We had broken up briefly before, but those break ups were over serious matters, never trivial. And there had only ever been three off periods in the time we dated. There would never be an on period again. I tried to wrap my head around that.

I had been with Scott for most of my "mature" and "together" years. The years where I wasn't selling myself, getting molested, or hating my life. It was weird being without him. I suppose therein lay another issue with our relationship. I had grown comfortable with him. He was like a familiar safety blanket. Try as I did to ignite passion in our relationship, I never really succeeded. We had grown complacent with each other. And then we grew apart. He found someone else.

I would like to say that I cheated on him while in Australia, or that I was about to. I would like to say many things. Truth was, my image of my relationship with Scott was skewed. I thought he was my Prince Charming and that I was living in a fairytale. Being away for so long only helped me prolong my delusion that had started off when I really only saw him a handful of times in senior year. I loved him so much, maybe because of and not in spite of the fact that we barely saw each other. We worked so brilliantly long-distance, when I couldn't tell that his romantic words weren't filled with emotion for me, when he couldn't be there to make me see his flaws. 

He fell from the pedestal. I fell from his. 

We had both come to blame my time in Australia for our separation, but wryly I believe that if I was still there we would still be together, happily deluded in thinking we had found our perfect significant others.

xXx

Juliette and I made up. I ran into her on campus and we talked for a long, long time.

"I'm a backstabbing boyfriend-stealing slut." Juliette blurted out to me when our eyes met.

I stared at her for a moment. "Yeah, you are. Bitch." After a moment, I laughed. It wasn't a good or happy laugh, I just found the whole situation ridiculous. 

We spoke about last year, we spoke about this year. We bashed Scott for a bit. I asked her if she had done anything with Scott, to which I received a resounding no. 

Finally after a bit of thought, I asked her flat out, "Juliette, _do_ you want to be with Scott?"

"No," she shook her head.

I stared at her. "But you two…"

"I thought I wanted to, in all honesty. I thought I liked him as more than friends. Last year especially, he was pretty great, you know? We got into relying on each other and you know me- I wanted more. Things were at a high when you came back; I was totally jealous. I thought I wanted him." She was playing with her hands, staring anywhere but at me. "But then I realized I really only wanted him because I couldn't have him. It was just the thrill of the chase. Which meant that I never truly wanted him at all."

"You don't? I wouldn't really hate you if you did, you know. I-I could get over it in time. So you don't have to lie."

Juliette finally stopped squirming and met my gaze. "No." Laughing, she told me, "Shelby, I'm moving to Spain in two weeks. I've got the tickets booked and everything. I want Auggie."

I was really genuinely happy for the girl. "At least one of us will have that fairytale romance with their high school sweetheart," I grinned and instinctively opened my arms to hug her. 

"We're really okay?" Juliette asked.

"Sure. As though I'd exert the effort into hating you. It's not like you did anything wrong, really. Scott's an ass, but you're still my friend."

Her face lit up. "You know you're like my best girl friend, don't you?"

I jokingly scowled. "What an honour." It took me a few seconds of smiling before I realized that I truly wasn't mad at Juliette and that being around her did cheer me up. This led to a revelation. "Juliette, why are we the ones who are chased out of our homes? Scott's the dick, but he gets the apartment to himself and _we're_ made to leave. That's bullshit- especially since both of us still pay rent. I say we kick him out. When 2/3 of the inhabitants are fine with each other, it should be the last of the three that has to leave."

"You're right." Juliette nodded decisively. 

We had on our feminist, determined faces on and stood up. 

"Are you-are you sure you're ready to face him again so soon after the break-up?" Juliette asked, studying my face with concern. 

"I'm not 'facing him', I'm helping you kick him out of our apartment for being an ass."

Her face did this twitchy thing as she hesitated in saying something. 

I rolled my eyes. "Seriously, I don't intend to talk to him for more than a minute."

"Shelby, I know he really-" She cut herself off and looked away. "But the thing- it's just-"

"Spit it out."

She looked conflicted and finally just shook her head. "Never mind." Putting on a smile, she beckoned towards the direction of our apartment. "Let's just do this."

I closed off from thinking as we walked. It was the only way I could deal. My mind was doing this spastic, horribly painful thing where I kept remembering random flashback moments between Scott and me. It's good to be broken up from him but damn, we had some amazing moments. 

He's an ass now. He's an ass now. He's an ass now.

Juliette raised her fist to knock on the door but I quickly seized her wrist. "Woman, we live here. We're not going to meekly knock." I dropped her hand and turned the door knob with a confidence I didn't really feel. 

It took a lot of acting for me not to flinch when I saw that Scott was sitting on the couch, staring at the blank TV set. 

It took a moment for Scott to register that we were there but the moment he did, he jerked forward to clench his fingers around a magazine on the table, hastily pretending like he had been reading. 

"Shelby, Juliette…" He choked out, completely caught off guard. His eyes were swimming with pain. The apologetic puppy dog. Ugh, I used to cave under that stupid expression.

"Scott." I answered tersely. 

"I'm sorry for- I've really… I'm glad you both came back," He stammered. 

"Yeah well, we realized that hey I'm not mad at Juliette, she's not mad at me. You're the one we can't be around. So the fact that we were the ones living elsewhere when you're the only one of us three paying inhabitants that's a messed up fuckwit really makes no sense." I interrupted his attempt at making peace. I was going to wait for Juliette to back me up, but one quick glance at her told me that his miserable form was softening her resolve like the sun on ice. "In other words, get the fuck out."

He looked like I had just slapped him across the face. Which, come to think of it, I really should have done a while ago. 

Juliette opened her mouth to say something but judging from the emphatic expression on her face, it wouldn't be along the lines of 'yeah, ass hole' so I shot her a discreet look. 

"You're…you're right." He swallowed. "It's unfair for you to… I'll stay with a friend until we get things sorted out."

"Do you really think that's going to happen?" I was being ruthless. 

"Shel," His eyes met mine and I felt my stomach clench up. Oh God, he's so… He's an ass, he's an ass. "Don't you think we'll _ever_ be able to be friends again?"

I was softening so I quickly told him, "Look, Juliette's gone in two weeks anyways and this apartment always did cost too damn much anyways so I'll find a new place to bunk when Jules leaves and then you can have this place back to yourself." 

"I'll be out in an hour then." The wounded look had disappeared, replaced with a neutral indifference that I recognized from the Early Days. 

"Good." Without saying goodbye, I spun around and headed for the door, subtly pulling Juliette with me. 

"It's for the best," She muttered to him before we left. 

xXx

Sitting in the apartment knowing Scott wasn't going to show up seemed utterly wrong. Even though I had lived here for over three months now, I still thought of it as _Scott's Apartment. _

I couldn't help but mull over his words to me. Could I ever be friends with him again? Our break up was bad, he had technically cheated on me, he clearly didn't care about me as much as I did him… but beneath all that, we were each other's support systems. But romantic relationships aren't a separate entity from friendships- I never believed that you could really remain friends with someone you ended a serious relationship with. It's not like you could go back to how things were before you dated- they aren't two different chemistries, it's entwined. And when one's severed, the other one is killed along with it.

He had been in too much apart of my romantic life for me to just move on from that and treat him like any other friend. A year down the line, maybe I wouldn't resent him any more, maybe my brain wouldn't do a hurtful memory montage, but it'd still sting even just a little. At the very least, I couldn't see how it wouldn't be awkward. 

But then, I am pretty young and inexperienced with this whole thing. Maybe that won't happen. Maybe Scott and I can actually salvage something. Do I want to? God, I can't even answer that much.

Juliette sat down beside me on the couch and put her arm around my shoulders. "This is good for us."

"Yeah." I said distantly. I hoped she was right.

* * *

**AN: **Yes, I suck at updating. Apologies. This is only up because someone nagged me into it in a review for another story- thank you for that, it pushed me :) Thanks to anyone who's still keeping up with this haha 


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